Hide and Seek Among the Sunflowers
Chapter1/1
I sat in our bedroom, photos and letters scattered about the bed that we used to share. Tears leaked from my eyes as I reflected on past memories and the special things that we used to share. This house is so empty without your presence. The life has been sucked out and drained away. I get up from my spot on the bed and sulk to the livingroom. I hunker down by the couch and sit cross-legged, staring in quiet contemplation at the stains on the carpet. Your very life support had ran from your veins and painted this carpet red. I still hadn't worked up the courage to clean it. People had come and gone, their attempts to heal me doing nothing. You were the one, my love and saviour. I lived my life solely for you, and only you.
The streets below our apartment in the busy downtown area of Huntington Beach are littered sporadically with people, all living their lives. Some laughing, others talking on phones. Even though you no longer grace this world with your presence, it has continued to function without you. I feel angered and terribly sad but most of all I just feel void inside. You were always around through the good and bad times, I have lost count of the millions of times that I came to you for help. You were always my shoulder to cry on... We started off as friends, best friends but our relationship quickly grew and blossomed into something that to this day, I still cannot begin to explain, for I will never be able to find the correct words to describe what we had.
You always said that nothing would stop us, we would always continue living in this world. Sometimes when I'm alone at night, I lay still in our bed and think of the promise we'd made to each other. "I'll be with you until death due us part Johnny." Those were the words that you'd spoken to me. You promised that we would die together, that you'd never leave me alone. When I think about the fact that you broke our pact, I can't bestill the feelings of anger that stir in the pit of my stomach.
Even though I feel betrayed at times, I understand that it was your time to go. I could never let you live life in agony; it just wouldn't be right of me. I continuously find myself returning to the letter that you'd left beside your seemingly sleeping form. You looked so peaceful in your slumber. It wasn't until my fingers had brushed your face that I'd realized what you had done. Your skin was no longer warm and soft, not the way that I'd remembered it. No, it was cold as ice, lifeless in all ways. I will never forget that day, the memories always float back to me at the most inopportune moments. I don't know when you decided that this was for the best, you were always such a happy kid. I never expected that the love of my life would end his life.
To this day I still read the letter, every morning when I awake and every single night before I lay me down to sleep. I really have no legit reason as to why I still read it. Perhaps after all of these months, despite the fact that I have willed myself to move on, I still can't help but to dwell on what was. Not only what was but why... I keep searching for closure, the incessant need to finally understand why it was you did this is frequently present.
Remember that time when we were five? We were playing a game of hide and seek in my Mother's garden out back behind the shed. It was my turn to find you and you'd hid in the massive patch of sunflowers. I walked around in circles for what seemed like forever until I'd finally given up. I went around to the front of the house and sat on the steps. I rested my face in my tiny hands and began to sob. I'd thought that I'd lost your for an eternity just because I couldn't find you in my own back yard. It seems silly now but thinking about it brings a slight smile to my face. From a young age I'd known that we were meant to be, I'd spent many years waiting patiently for you to realize it as well.
The first time that you told me you loved me, while we were sitting out front on the porch swing of your parents' house, I'll surely never forget that day. That had to of been one of the best and happiest days of my life. It was the day that my dreams were finally being fulfilled. I felt so complete in that moment, I felt like I could do anything as long as you were with me, by my side. Now that you've been taken away from me, I honestly don't know how I'll go on without you. I know it sunds extremely pathetic and cliche on so many levels but Jimmy, you were my antidote. You kept me strong and alive. You restored the beauty to my life. You made my life brighter and I'll never be able to thank you enough for it, especially since you're no longer here with me.
When a person spends their days in solitary confinement like I do, they suddenly have all the time in the world to sit down and actually think. I was constantly going and never had enough time for you and now that you've departed, I have all the time in the world. Life can be so cruel in that sense. I always used to curse myself and complain about never having enough time and now I mentally kick myself because I have an overly excessive amount of alone time. The thoughts that I could never have to myself before are now contantly picking at my brain. They've become my latest plague. It's pretty sad when you actually stop think about it. I, Johnny Seward have become a victim to my own mind, I've fallen at the mercy of my own subconcious.
I know that you said that you only meant well, that it's all for the best. If this is true then why can't I subdue these feelings of loneliness and doubt? Maybe this is how everyone feels when they lose their life partner. If this is true then my heart definitely goes out to anyone who has ever known loss like I now do. I'm reading the letter that you left addressed to me while I write this. They say that one way to bury your feelings so that they may forever rest in peace is to write them down, then burn their contents over an open fire. It's not that I want to forget you Jimmy, I feel as though I need to do this so that I can have some much needed peace of mind. I know that you've moved on to a better place now and if I ever wish to re-live my days of good cheer then I really need to burn this letter. In the end you must know that I'm taking all of this with a grain of salt, I'm not exactly the superstitious type it's just really come down to the wire for me. I've tried all that I can to put my soul at ease and this is my final plea for a curtain call that will not result in the death of me.
After all is said and done I might feel a little less tied down and a little more free. This is what I hope for at least. I really can't stand to live in eternal dark and sadness. Your death has brought me to ponder many things in this life. I finally realize that life is not everlasting, not the mortal part of it anyway. Everyone's life comes to a stop at some point in time. To outsiders it appears as if I walk alone now but, I know in my heart that your soul will always travel beside me, no matter where I may roam. You'll be the air I breathe, the rain that falls from the clouds and the sun that shines upon my every new day. Even if things don't seem to add up, I'll have outgrown all the anger; it's not really the answer to my problems anyhow, more like a symptom to my mental disease. That disease is known as loss.
My road may no longer be paved in gold but the silver that has replaced it looks just as beautiful, and from down here I can see your face smiling down at me. The choice you made might have been a tad bit selfish and uncalculated but I know somewhere in your heart you thought it right. For this I will never judge you and you will always live inside of me Jimmy Sullivan... Until death brings us together once again.
Love always and forever, in life and in death,
Johnny Seward.
The streets below our apartment in the busy downtown area of Huntington Beach are littered sporadically with people, all living their lives. Some laughing, others talking on phones. Even though you no longer grace this world with your presence, it has continued to function without you. I feel angered and terribly sad but most of all I just feel void inside. You were always around through the good and bad times, I have lost count of the millions of times that I came to you for help. You were always my shoulder to cry on... We started off as friends, best friends but our relationship quickly grew and blossomed into something that to this day, I still cannot begin to explain, for I will never be able to find the correct words to describe what we had.
You always said that nothing would stop us, we would always continue living in this world. Sometimes when I'm alone at night, I lay still in our bed and think of the promise we'd made to each other. "I'll be with you until death due us part Johnny." Those were the words that you'd spoken to me. You promised that we would die together, that you'd never leave me alone. When I think about the fact that you broke our pact, I can't bestill the feelings of anger that stir in the pit of my stomach.
Even though I feel betrayed at times, I understand that it was your time to go. I could never let you live life in agony; it just wouldn't be right of me. I continuously find myself returning to the letter that you'd left beside your seemingly sleeping form. You looked so peaceful in your slumber. It wasn't until my fingers had brushed your face that I'd realized what you had done. Your skin was no longer warm and soft, not the way that I'd remembered it. No, it was cold as ice, lifeless in all ways. I will never forget that day, the memories always float back to me at the most inopportune moments. I don't know when you decided that this was for the best, you were always such a happy kid. I never expected that the love of my life would end his life.
To this day I still read the letter, every morning when I awake and every single night before I lay me down to sleep. I really have no legit reason as to why I still read it. Perhaps after all of these months, despite the fact that I have willed myself to move on, I still can't help but to dwell on what was. Not only what was but why... I keep searching for closure, the incessant need to finally understand why it was you did this is frequently present.
Remember that time when we were five? We were playing a game of hide and seek in my Mother's garden out back behind the shed. It was my turn to find you and you'd hid in the massive patch of sunflowers. I walked around in circles for what seemed like forever until I'd finally given up. I went around to the front of the house and sat on the steps. I rested my face in my tiny hands and began to sob. I'd thought that I'd lost your for an eternity just because I couldn't find you in my own back yard. It seems silly now but thinking about it brings a slight smile to my face. From a young age I'd known that we were meant to be, I'd spent many years waiting patiently for you to realize it as well.
The first time that you told me you loved me, while we were sitting out front on the porch swing of your parents' house, I'll surely never forget that day. That had to of been one of the best and happiest days of my life. It was the day that my dreams were finally being fulfilled. I felt so complete in that moment, I felt like I could do anything as long as you were with me, by my side. Now that you've been taken away from me, I honestly don't know how I'll go on without you. I know it sunds extremely pathetic and cliche on so many levels but Jimmy, you were my antidote. You kept me strong and alive. You restored the beauty to my life. You made my life brighter and I'll never be able to thank you enough for it, especially since you're no longer here with me.
When a person spends their days in solitary confinement like I do, they suddenly have all the time in the world to sit down and actually think. I was constantly going and never had enough time for you and now that you've departed, I have all the time in the world. Life can be so cruel in that sense. I always used to curse myself and complain about never having enough time and now I mentally kick myself because I have an overly excessive amount of alone time. The thoughts that I could never have to myself before are now contantly picking at my brain. They've become my latest plague. It's pretty sad when you actually stop think about it. I, Johnny Seward have become a victim to my own mind, I've fallen at the mercy of my own subconcious.
I know that you said that you only meant well, that it's all for the best. If this is true then why can't I subdue these feelings of loneliness and doubt? Maybe this is how everyone feels when they lose their life partner. If this is true then my heart definitely goes out to anyone who has ever known loss like I now do. I'm reading the letter that you left addressed to me while I write this. They say that one way to bury your feelings so that they may forever rest in peace is to write them down, then burn their contents over an open fire. It's not that I want to forget you Jimmy, I feel as though I need to do this so that I can have some much needed peace of mind. I know that you've moved on to a better place now and if I ever wish to re-live my days of good cheer then I really need to burn this letter. In the end you must know that I'm taking all of this with a grain of salt, I'm not exactly the superstitious type it's just really come down to the wire for me. I've tried all that I can to put my soul at ease and this is my final plea for a curtain call that will not result in the death of me.
After all is said and done I might feel a little less tied down and a little more free. This is what I hope for at least. I really can't stand to live in eternal dark and sadness. Your death has brought me to ponder many things in this life. I finally realize that life is not everlasting, not the mortal part of it anyway. Everyone's life comes to a stop at some point in time. To outsiders it appears as if I walk alone now but, I know in my heart that your soul will always travel beside me, no matter where I may roam. You'll be the air I breathe, the rain that falls from the clouds and the sun that shines upon my every new day. Even if things don't seem to add up, I'll have outgrown all the anger; it's not really the answer to my problems anyhow, more like a symptom to my mental disease. That disease is known as loss.
My road may no longer be paved in gold but the silver that has replaced it looks just as beautiful, and from down here I can see your face smiling down at me. The choice you made might have been a tad bit selfish and uncalculated but I know somewhere in your heart you thought it right. For this I will never judge you and you will always live inside of me Jimmy Sullivan... Until death brings us together once again.
Love always and forever, in life and in death,
Johnny Seward.