You're Still the One

"Kaleb, Julia, where are you?" I yelled up the stairs.

They were being to quiet for a five and six year old. Way to quiet. It was just worrying me. I sighed, walking up the stairs. I heard little soft whispers coming from a room I thought I had closed off to them. When I walked in, my heart dropped, my mouth fell open and I got the sudden urge to just yell at the kids.

"What are you doing?!"

Their heads snapped up and Kaleb slammed the book them were looking through.

"We were just reading some stuff about you and mommy. Where is mommy, by the way? No one has ever told us where she went to. Chris said she went on vacation, but she's not back yet."

My hands balled up into fists at my side and I just couldn't hold back anymore. I started yelling, pulling Julia up by her small arms and shoved her towards the door. Kaleb got to his feet and was about to say something, but I shoved him at the door and told them both to go to their rooms. They ran off without asking questions, which was a good thing on their behalf.

Everything that had been stacked neatly into boxes was now all across the room, laid open. Pictures were hanging out of the journals Amy had put together. I wiped the tears that were trying to escape. The kids were just curious and I shouldn't have blown up. Amy wouldn't want it this way. She would have been more than disappointed in me if she would have seen me go off on the kids like that. It would have just broken her little heart.

I sighed, trying to put everything back together as quick as my shakey hands would let me. I knew Kaleb was in the door way, peeking around the side of the wall.

"Come here, little man."

I sat on the floor, motioning for him to come to me and he did, dragging little Julia behind him. She had tears in her eyes as she rubbed her arms where I had grabbed her. I made a face, pulling her into my lap as Kal sat next to me.

"We are sorry for making you mad, daddy." She said, in the soft, sweet angelic voice of hers.

I just smiled, shaking my head a bit.

"You didn't make me mad. I just- I panicked a little, is all."

"But why?" Kaleb asked, looking around. "It's just books of pictures with writing to go with it. Is it that important?"

"Yes, it is actually." I took on of the books from the stacks. "Your mom put this together. She put all of them together before she left us."

"Where did she go?"

"She's in heaven, Jules."

"Is she an angel?"

"Probably. And she's watching over both of you every second of everyday to make sure you're alright."

Kaleb shook his head, getting to his feet.

"Why are you lying?"

"I'm not. Your mom died, Kal."

"How? Can you tell me that?"

"I can, but I don't know if I should."

"I'm six. I have a right to know."

"I believe you are a little too young. Don't ya think?"

"No, I don't think I'm too young."

"How about we just drop it?"

"How about we don't and you just tell me already because if you don't, I'm going to call Uncle Chris of one of the other guys and you know they'll tell me."

I rubbed my temples, closing my eyes. I knew this time was going to come, I knew it, but I didn't know it was going to be at the age six. I figured he'd wanna know when he got around, oh I don't know, let's say thirteen.

I opened my eyes when Julia rubbed my face with her small hand.

"You don't have to tell us, daddy. I don't want you to be upset."

"He does to have to tell! I won't let it drop." Kaleb said, crossing his arms over his chest.

He was acting a little to much like Amy these days. He had her attitude and Jules had her angelic, bubbly personality. I sighed, putting a smile on my face.

"I guess you guys are old enough, even if I don't think so."

Kaleb sat on the floor in front of Julia and I, leaning forward with his elbows resting on his knees.

"I'm waiting."

"I see." I reached behind me, picking up one of the books from the stack. I examined it, shaking my head then reaching for another until I finally found the one I was looking for. "Here it is."

"What, you wrote a journal about mom's death?"

"No. I'm going to share a few things with you. After I tell you what happened, we'll look through this. I can't just talk about it and just stay depressed for the rest of the day. I need some kind of boost."

Kaleb gave me a weird look, then shook his head.

"Alright, go on and tell us."

"Why are you rushing?"

"Cause I wanna know and I might have other things to do."

"Yeah, like clean that room of yours." He rolled his eyes, hurrying me along. I sighed, moving my hair from my face. "Alright, so,where to start?"

"With how she died, please."

Julia kicked Kaleb's leg and made a face.

"Stop rushing daddy, idiot."

"Whatever, I wanna know. If you don't, then leave the room."

Julia made a growling noise, but I patted her shoulder, letting her know it was okay. I took a deep breath, preparing myself for the images of that day to replay in my head. I didn't plan on going into full detail of what happened, but the images would still be there. There was no way of just blocking them from playing in my head.

"Okay, I'm going to try to explain it the best way I can. Is that good enough for you, Kal?"

"Sure, as long as I get something."

I nodded, picking at the book that laid between us.

"Your mom, Amy, was told when she was about, I'd say 15 or 16, that she couldn't have kids. We planned on adopting when she turned 18, but the day after she turned 18, she found out she was pregnant with you." I said, pointing at Kaleb, then looking back down and the images just flooded my head. "We were both over joyed, but giving birth to you just made things worst. She was weak. She couldn't do the things she had before and she wasn't as energetic and bubbly like she had been. It wasn't long after you, she found out she was pregnant again with Julia. The doctor has said before that she shouldn't get pregnant again, but your mom loved kids. She wanted more than just you two, but she didn't live long enough to get what she wanted."

"What killed her?" Jules asked, looking up at me.

"Well, she went into labor one night around eleven. I took her to the hospital and we were there a good six, seven hours before they even told us anything. It was the day after Kaleb's birthday. They moved us into the delivery room, and your mom was already pretty much falling asleep. They had to keep waking her up to tell her when to push. As soon as she gave birth to Julia, she smiled and just slipped away." I sniffled, trying to keep my tears back so I didn't cry in front of my children. I didn't want to look like a big cry baby. "I asked her to wake up so she could hold Julia, but she didn't. She wasn't breathing, her heart had stopped. She was just..gone. I shook her by her shoulders, but still nothing. That was the last day I got to talk to her, hold her, tell her I loved her. She was only 19. Still had so much going for her, but she was determined to have kids, even if it killed her. And it did."

Julia was crying now. She was shaking pretty bad, but Kal, he was just sitting there, staring at me and Jules. He finally got up.

"Julia killed mom. She's the reason mom is dead."

"No, no, no. That is not the reason, Kaleb. Don't say that about your little sister."

"I'm telling the truth. She's a demon child."

Jules started crying even more, getting up and running from the room. I shook my head, getting up and going after her. I didn't find her in my room or her's. She was out back, sitting in a little garden area, clutching the little pink teddy bear Amy had bought just two days before she was born. I sat next to her, wrapping my arms around her as she cried.

"Did I really kill mommy?"

"No, baby girl. I don't know what Kal was thinking when he said that, but it was a lie."

"You sure? Because right now, I'm feeling pretty bad."

"I'm sure." She just leaned against me as she cried. "Do you wanna go to Gabbie's?"

"Yeah. She'll cheer me up."

"Alright. I'll go call her. Maybe Chris'll drop you off at her house when he comes to pick up Kaleb."

She nodded, following me back into the house. Kaleb was sitting on the couch, arms folded over his chest and his bag sitting next to him. He was going to Chris', Amy's brother, for the night. I picked up the phone, calling Gabbie. She, of course, agreed to let Jules stay over. I mean, it Jules. Everyone loved having her over. She was that sweet. I was going to have the house to myself tonight. First time in five years.

---

I was stacking the journal back into the box when one caught my eye. It was a little black journal. I don't believe I've see in before. I sat on the floor, opening it up. Every picture from when Amy and I started off as friends, which was when she was nine and I was twelve. The day she saw me, the very first day I came over to hang out with Chris was in here. It was a little stalker-ish, but of course, it didn't effect me one bit. I mean, hello, it's Amy we are talking about here.

After reading a little bit, I realized tears were rolling down my cheeks. I wiped them away, then ran my hand over a picture. Ames and I had been 16 in this. We were sitting by the pool at Josh's for his little party he was having. Amy was in a Orange swimsuit, Her left hang in my lap, holding my left hand while my other arm was wrapped around her, holding her against me. I had never wanted to let go. Ever.

I took a deep breath, sliding the picture back into place, and putting it in the box along with everything else. I got up and walked out of the room, closing and locking the door behind me. Everything of Amy's was locked away in that room and I didn't want the kids to get a hold of it until they were old enough to actually take care of the things.

I leaned into the door, resting my forehead against it. I closed my eyes, letting more tears roll down my cheek. I pressed my lips to the door.

" I love you, Amy." I whispered, hoping she heard me where ever she was.

And I think she did. I felt something cold brush against my lips, followed by a faint whisper. If I was hearing correctly, It was an 'I love you, too.'. I smiled a little walking away from the door.