Freezepop

"Let's go!"

Everybody shuffles past us, back into Ryan's car but we're oblivious, just as they are. We don't hear the car doors slam, and we're only brought back to our senses when we hear everybody howling. Brendon and I break apart, my face redder than a goddamned tomato, to see all four of them hanging out of the windows, smacking the side of the car, and howling.

If I ever said I love my friends, at this moment, it's an absolute lie. I don't think I've ever hated them more. When we get up and walk to the car, Kat scrambles into the back seat, forcing us to the front where I'll have to sit on Brendon's lap. Ryan shakes his head, grinning like a fool as he backs out of the 7-Eleven parking lot and back towards my house.

"So, how long were you two sucking face before we came outside?" I see Kat's reflection in the rearview mirror, her eyebrows dancing like they're on crack, and the biggest grin on her face like she just saw Ryan naked without him knowing.

"Shut up, Kat," I mumble, sinking further into Brendon and the shadows of the night that dance around Ryan's car.

I want to disappear, and I feel so completely awkward. Brendon Urie is now my official first kiss. I have no idea if I was bad at it or why he did it. I have no idea if he likes me, and I've never been able to take teasing well, so when people tease me about something I'm confused about, it just makes me want to scream, cry, and bury myself alive. Somehow, dying of asphyxia seems so much less painful than enduring the taunting of four teenagers.

"Oh, I see how it is. You're just going to keep everything a secret from your dear old friends," she taunts. Oh, how Kat taunts, and it doesn't make me feel better, it doesn't make me want to laugh, and it doesn't merely give me bright red cheeks. It makes me want to throw up, it makes me want to jump out of this moving vehicle, and it makes me want strangle Kat so that I never have to go through this again.

As soon as Ryan's car hits my driveway, before it's even stopped, I tell everyone that I'll see them later, and I jump out of the moving vehicle and run to my house. I close the front door behind me quickly and lock it before I lean against it and slide to the floor. Tears are streaming down my face, and I'm sure that I've messed up. Somewhere along the line, I completely screwed up. Anything bad that happens from this point on is clearly my fucking fault. I know it.

I bury my face in my knees and ignore the quiet knocking on the door. Ryan's headlights are still shining through my living room window, and I really don't care who's on the other side, probably hearing me wail like a four-year-old who got their sucker taken away because they dropped it on the sidewalk, but they don't understand how that's a bad thing. They eat the worms that crawl on the sidewalk, so why can't they finish their goddamned sucker?

"Tracy, will you open up? Please?" There's a pause in which you can only hear the car running and me trying not to choke out a loud sob - I don't want my mom to wake up to this. "I know you're there, Tracy, I can hear you."

Wow, amazing how that doesn't help matters at all. "Go away, Brendon," I say as quietly, and coherently, as I can.

"What?" he shouts, presumably to someone in the car. I hear the key in the lock, and it hits me that Kat or Winnie told him about the spare key above the doorframe. The door behind me pushes a little, but I push back it slams shut again. "Tracy, don't do this. If you're mad at me tell me to my fucking face, don't whine about it behind a closed door."

That pisses me off. He's sure an understanding guy. What the hell happened to Mr. Gentleman from ten minutes ago!? I stand up and rip open the door. The forcefulness of my action scares Brendon because he jumps a little then looks at me expectantly once he regains his composure.

"I wasn't fucking mad at you, Brendon, but I sure as hell am now. God, I thought you were a gentleman?! What the fuck? I was fucking mad at Kat because she just doesn't know when to stop sometimes! Now everybody just leave me the fuck alone!"

Have I ever mentioned that, when I get really mad, I cuss a lot? It makes me feel better, like my anger flows out with the "bad words." I grab the door and throw it shut, but before it connects with the doorframe, Brendon's hand catches it. He comes in, and I take a couple of stumbling steps back. Closing the door softly behind him, he leans against it and looks at his feet.

"I'm sorry about what I said," he says quietly. "I just didn't understand why or who you were mad at."

"Am mad."

He looks up at me. "What?"

"I'm still mad. I haven't gotten over it in the past five seconds." I wipe a few angry tears off my face.

"Okay, fine. Then why are you mad?"

"I told you, because Kat doesn't know when to stop sometimes."

"But she was only teasing." He motions to the car outside, which is now silent. I guess Ryan shut it off when Brendon successfully came inside.

I cross my arms and lean against the side of the stairwell. "I don't take teasing very well, I never have, and Kat knows this. And it doesn't help that she was teasing me about something I'm confused about."

He takes a step closer to me and puts his hand on my elbow. "What are you confused about?"

"What do you think?" I mumble. Brendon leans down and kisses my cheek. I shrug off his hand and back away. "That only confuses me more. I need words, not actions."

"Fine. I like you, Tracy. I think I have since the day I met you. I'll admit that tonight was rather impulsive, because I have no idea where I stand with you, but I had to do it. I had to know what you felt like."

"You make it sound so cheesy."

"Easy? Easy! What do you mean 'easy'?! None of this has been easy for me, Tracy!"

"I said 'cheesy' not 'easy'." I try to hold back a laugh at Brendon's face.

He tugs on my arm, pulling me close and wrapping me in a hug. "Don't make fun of me."

I close my eyes and rest my cheek against his collarbone. I take a slow deep breath and relish in the moment. "I'll make fun of you if I want to."

"You wouldn't dare," he says as he reaches down to my sides and tickles me.

I pull away and hold my arms in front of me as a shield. "Remember what happened last time you tickled me?"

He shrugs. "I'll risk it?"

"My mom's sleeping, we have to be quiet."

Brendon points to the front door behind him. "Do you want to me to get everybody to come back inside?"

I shake my head. "I'm kind of tired of people right now. I think I just want to watch a movie and fall asleep on the couch."

"Are you tired of all people?" I give him a questioning look, and he points to himself. I smile and shake my head. He claps quietly. "Yay! Do you care if I join you then?"

"No," I chuckle.

"Cool. I'll tell them to get lost then."

"You do that."

He makes a retarded face as he walks out the door. I shake my head at his stupid antics and walk to the kitchen. I turn the faucet on and wait for the water to get relatively cold before I splash my face with it. I sit there for a moment, leaning over the sink with my face dripping wet before I decide to just shove my whole head under the faucet. The cold water on my scalp sends shivers down my spine, but it feels good and it's cooling me off.

"What are you doing?"

I peak up from under my wet hair to see Brendon standing at the end of the counter, watching me. "Cooling down. Can you grab me a towel from the third drawer down?" He nods and places a towel in my hand. I pull my head back, drying my hair but keeping the faucet on. I point to it and say, "You should try it. It feels really good."

Brendon looks at me like I'm crazy before he sticks his head under the water. "It's cold!"

"I know," I laugh. "That's why it's called 'cooling down'." He pulls his head out and starts to shake his head like a dog. I throw the towel over his head and hold it between my hands. "Don't do that. You'll get water everywhere."

We stand there for a minute, staring at each other. He looks like such a dork with wet hair hanging in the little bit of his face that's showing from under the towel. He leans in, and I know what's coming. I want to back away but the want of him on me again, and knowing, knowing that he likes me keeps me in my place. His kiss is soft, like it was at the 7-Eleven, and he still tastes like ice cream. I feel something wet touch my lip, and I pull back.

"What?"

"I, let's go watch a movie." I grab Brendon's hand we walk to the living room. "What do you want to watch?"

"We could watch Spinal Tap again. That movie never gets old."

"Okay," I laugh and push it into the VCR. What can I say, we're still a pretty low-tech family. I sit back on the couch, and Brendon slides his arm around me, pulling me close enough to rest my head on his chest. The last thing I remember is David St. Hubbins and Nigel Tufnel giggling about chewing gum and Brendon kissing my head.