Your Cage Is Peace to My Soul

I walked onto the stage slowly, my footsteps echoing through the empty arena.

I looked around at the empty seats, imagining that in only a few hours it would be stacked with thousands of girls screaming my name and wanting nothing more than just to be close to me for a few minutes. I had to admit, I loved the attention I got from them. It was one of the few things that still gave me that rush that I needed. Almost nothing compared the the flashing of the lights on my face and the music pumping through my veins, it was an amazing feeling, something I could never let go of.

I took my seat in front of the microphone. II was early this time, really early, but I couldn't face Elena for any longer. I could see that she had wanted me to leave as well, she always wanted to be alone after a fight, she said she needed to think about things. I knew that the relationship we had was like none other, but I guess that's why I had become so addicted to her. I needed her to love me, but I also needed her to hate me. I guess knowing that she wanted to leave made me want to fight for her even more, and the fact that she fought to get away from me made her need me.

No one ever knew what happened between us, they could see that we loved each other, but they had no idea just how much. And they knew that we fought, but they didn't know how violent it got. She brought the worst out of me, without a doubt, but she was also the only person who could really make me smile without trying.

She dug her nails into my neck, arms and hands during last night's fight. It was red and swollen, and some had started bleeding. I had to wear my scarf and gloves to cover it up, even though we were in the middle of summer. The cuts did hurt, but it was nothing compared to the marks I had left on her.

“Bill, how many hickey's are you hiding under all those clothes?” Tom exclaimed loudly as he walked onto the stage. I turned my head towards him, giving him the guilty laugh he had wanted as a response.

“Maybe it's not hickey's Bill's hiding, Tom.” Georg said, emerging from behind my twin, “I always knew Elena had fangs.”

Tom laughed loudly, winking in my direction before bending down to pick up his favorite guitar. Georg patted me on the back as a greeting, but I could feel the pain rushing through my body as his hand hit the cuts on my skin. I cringed, trying not to bring any attention to the sudden pain that was rushing through my body. Tom and Georg continued their light conversation while I pretended to adjust my mic stand.

The sound of Tom's guitar filled the arena as he started to play the chords of one of our older songs, Georg joining in after that. Crew members started arriving, gazing up at us quickly before returning to their jobs. I could hear Gustav's drums loudly over the others, and found myself wondering if he had just arrived or had been there without me noticing.

I started singing the words of Break Away, but I couldn't get much out. My voice was almost completely gone from all the screaming I had done in the past few days, I regretted it now. I stopped singing and cleared my throat, attempting to get my voice back. With no success, my band mates behind me stopped playing and waited for out manager to make his way onto the stage. I watched David's brow furrow with concern as he made his way towards me.

“Are you getting sick, Bill?” He asked me, placing his hand on my forehead to check if I had a fever.

“No, I- I just think my voice needs some rest.” I replied softly. I tried to avoid his stern gaze. I wasn't lying to him, but it felt like I was and it seemed like he didn't believe me.

“Are you sure Bill? I could call a doctor and cancel tonight's show, you know your health is much more important.”

I shook my head, forcing myself to meet his gaze. I smiled and promised not to speak another word until tonight's show, and that I was going to be fine. David gave me one last doubtful look before dismissing us, as I walked away I could hear Tom and Georg cracking jokes about me trying to keep quiet for six hours.

I gave everyone a small wave before making my way out of the arena. Our hotel was only two blocks away from where we were performing, so that made it easy for me to walk there. I took my time, walking as slow as possible without it looking strange. The streets were surprisingly quiet for this time of day, but I preferred the silence to someone recognizing me and making me force a smile and pose for another picture.

I arrived at the hotel in 15 minutes, lingering at the entrance before entering, and instead of taking the elevator up to my room, I decided to take the stairs up to the 13th floor.

Climbing all the stairs took another 10 minutes, because I tired to climb the stairs without getting tired, but much to my dismay, I still arrived to my room way too soon. I extracted my room key from my jeans pocket, using it to open the door of room 1309.

I pushed open the door, the clean floor catching my eye first. I could still see drops of blood on the floor that Elena probably wasn't able to get out, I wasn't sure whether it was mine or hers. The bin was full of pieces of broken glass, my clothes were neatly folded and placed on the bed in two small piles. Looking at the room now, no one would have guessed what had happened the night before, it was as if it never happened and frankly, I really wished that it didn't.

“Laney?” I called for my girlfriend.

I walked into the room, passing the bed and made my way towards the bathroom where I suspected she was. The door slightly opened, the floor was wet from when I showered early that morning. The towels were folded and hanging against the wall, unlike how I had left them. I knew Elena had cleaned up, but she wasn't in there anymore. The room wasn't very big and there weren't many places for her to hide, and Elena was never one for exploring the cities we performed in, so I knew she wouldn’t just leave the room. She was the type of girl that would prefer lying in bed all day watching a movie, so I couldn't help but get worried.

I walked back into the main room and sat down on the bed. I scanned the room once more for any trace of her, but I knew it wasn't worth much. As I walked around the room, my eyes caught sight of the one suitcase lying on the floor, instead of the usual two. I felt my heart drop.

I ran around the room, looking for the other suitcase, thinking that she had put it in the closet, or under the bed. I searched the room twice, but there was no sign of any of Elena's things. She always had a habit of leaving her makeup and toothbrush on the bathroom sink, and her shoes scattered around the room, but even those weren't there anymore. I felt faint for a moment, deciding to sit down for a minute before continuing my search.

As I bent down and my body touched the bed, I heard a crinkle of what sounded like paper underneath me. I stood up again quickly, finding a note that was addressed to me lying on the bed.

Without really knowing why, I could feel my heart beating much quicker. I could feel my hands going numb with fear. I could see that it was from Elena, and that's what scared me. Despite what she had said this morning, had she decided that I went too far this time? Had she finally had enough?

Slowly, I opened the letter.

“I needed to get away. Not just from you, Bill, but from everything. I meant what I said, about not being able to leave you, and me hurting when I'm not with you. That's why it feels like I'm dying right now, I can't even breathe. I don't know where I'm going, and I don't know when I'll be back, but I can promise you this; I'll come back.

Please don't be mad at me, I really hope you understand that I'm doing this because I love you so much, and I will forever.

Elena.”

I could see black colored tear stains covering her words, and the paper smelled just like her perfume. I had to read the letter twice, because I couldn't comprehend that she was gone. She said that she would be back, but she still wasn't here with me now and she won't be until she's ready to return because I drove her away. I knew what she meant all too well, about hurting when I wasn't with her. It wasn't just emotional, it was a physical emptiness that took over my insides. It was the worst kind of hurt that anyone could feel.

`
I dropped the letter and watched it fall to the floor in what seemed like slow motion.

I wanted to cry, I wanted to bleed, I wanted to scream, but I knew that it wouldn't bring her back, and it wouldn't take away the feeling of dark abyss inside of me.

I don't know for how long I sat there gazing at the floor, but I knew it had been more than an hour. Finally getting the strength to move my limbs, I decided to text David and tell him that I was sick after all. It was hard to do, because I loved being on stage and I hated disappointing my fans, but I knew I wouldn't be able to give it my all if I was to perform that night, and then their disappointment would be even worse.

Without really thinking my next move through, I dialed Elena's number. I sat there without movement, listening to it ring. I should have known better than to think she would ever answer, but I didn't know what else to do. My days revolved around being with her, holding her because I couldn't find the strength to let her go.

And my nights were spent on stage, performing. That was the way my life was, and today, everything was different.

It was about 10pm that night that the pain hit me harder than I had ever felt it before, and I couldn't stand it. I wasn't used to feeling like that. I was familiar with anger, rage, and mostly satisfaction, but I had never hurt like this before.

I wanted it to go away, and tears didn't help. My arms were full of cuts by that time, physical pain wouldn't take the feeling away either. I sat on the floor with my head resting on my knees when Tom's words ran through my head, his ways of dealing with pain were much different than mine, If he saw me now, he would say that it was nothing a couple of whiskey shots and a good party couldn't fix. I never believed that, but it seemed to work for him.

Forcing myself up, I pulled at my clothes and ran a hand through my hair. I fixed my makeup and grabbed my wallet before dashing out of the room, feeling the urge to run as fast as I could away from that room. My taxi was waiting for me outside the hotel. I opened the door, looking back at the hotel to make sure that no one had seen me.

I told the driver to take me to the closest club, but the drive felt endless.

I wanted to get out, I wanted to lose any sense of feeling I had and I was hoping that this would help, if not, I didn't know what would.

The club was packed full of men and women dancing to the loud music when I walked in and made my way to the bar. I ordered two shots of tequila just to get me started. I've never really been the type of guy who tried to drink away his problems, but I would've tried anything at that time. Then I downed a shot of vodka and a double whiskey, by that time women were pulling at my leather jacket, asking me to dance with them.

I let myself be dragged onto the dance floor by a petite brunette who appeared to recognize me. She clutched my body tightly, pulling me towards her as she moved to the beat of the song that was playing. I could clearly see that she was drunk, I could smell the alcohol as she pulled my head down to hers.

We continued to dance for a while. She was grinding up against me hard, forcing my lips onto hers and her tongue into my mouth. I knew it was wrong, and it didn't make me feel any better, but I couldn't help myself. No one would know anyway.

She pulled away from me, breathless.

“Let's go back to your hotel.” She whispered in my ear.