Your Cage Is Peace to My Soul

The sunshine hit my face as I strutted out of that hotel for the last time, my friends following behind me. I had my carry on swinging between my fingers and pulled one of my suitcases behind me, the guys were stunned that I had actually volunteered to help carry some of the stuff, even if it was just my own.

The smile on my face hasn't left my face since I had exited my room twenty minutes earlier, and I hadn't planned on it fading any time soon. I was in a great mood, a better mood that I had been in months. Tom, Gustav and Georg were all surprised by my sudden sunny disposition, I could hear them whispering about it as they followed me back onto the tour bus, but I simply continued to climb the stairs.

We were nearly done with our European tour, finishing off the last leg in Germany, which is very convenient for us because then we had the chance to go home and see our families for a while before returning to the studio.

I had to admit, I was really excited to go home. The tour had lasted for four months, and all we did was eat,s sleep and breathe interviews, rehearsals and shows. I couldn't wait to get home and chain myself to my bed for at least a week. I had never been the type of guy who would distance myself from the world, but after being surrounded by people almost all day every day, it would be nice to just be alone for a while. The only thing that kept getting me down was the fact that Elena wasn't there to lie in bed and relax with me. She was the one person I never minded having around.

Tom was the first to notice that my girlfriend wasn't with me that morning, but didn't take it too seriously. He saw early on that I was in a very good mood, so I guess he figured that it couldn't have been that bad, but frankly, he had no idea how much it physically hurt me not to have her by my side.

Gustav had been the one to ask me why they hadn't brought Elena's things down from the room, I could see that he was trying to be subtle, afraid that something bad might have happened between us.

I had forced myself to get used to the thought of Elena being gone by saying it to myself over and over again, because by 5am that morning, I realized that trying not to think of her wasn't working at all. I couldn't say it made it hurt less, but there was no use in denying what I had to face every morning when I woke up for who knows how long. I gave Gustav a beaming smile, telling him that Elena's sister was in labor and that she wanted to be with her family.

I went on to explain to him how she didn't want to go at first, and she felt bad about leaving me here. I said that I convinced her to go, because it was only for a little while and I knew how important her family was to her, so she left on the first flight she could book, which was yesterday morning. Gustav believed it without asking any further questions.

I assumed that Gustav had told the other two what I told him, because they were no longer huddled together and frequently looking in my direction, whispering.

We all started to get comfortable on the bus like we usually do, Gustav and Georg going to the main lounge in the back of the bus to play xbox, and Tom straight to the small kitchen to raid the newly stocked fridge. I stood perfectly still for a few minutes, gazing around at the bus as if I hadn't been in there in a long time, then I started to make my way towards my bed. Admittedly, out of all the beds I had slept on while being on tour, my bed in the tour bus was the most comfortable and I always looked forward to falling asleep on it.

I was tired, because I hadn't slept all night and I could slowly feel my good mood fading. I threw off my heavy black boots and my jacket and slipped into my bed, closing the curtain behind me. I had just lain on my back for a while after getting into my bed, not even closing my eyes, I just wanted to unwind first. My arms rested behind my head and my earphones in my ears, playing something that sounded like Last Night on Earth by Green Day.

My eyelids started to close slowly after a while, and as they did, images from the previous night flooded through my brain. It did bring a smile to my face when I thought of what I had done, and I wondered how long it would take for anyone to notice that Tonya was missing and how they would react once they found her.

Outside of my bunk, I thought I heard my brother's voice calling my name. I sat up a bit and took out my earphones, and sure enough, it was Tom kneeling down in front of my bed, calling for me.

I opened my curtain and smiled at my brother, and he smiled back at me, his brown eyes twinkling in the light.

“Tomi, come lie with me.” I told him softly, not waiting for him to speak first.

My brother and I had always been very close, before Elena and I met, Tom and I would do almost everything together. He knew everything about me, there were never any secrets between us like there was now. I wouldn't say that we weren't still close, but we almost never spent any time alone like we used to. I did miss it, but in my mind, it seemed like the time I had spent with Elena was more important.

I watched Tom pull open the curtains a bit and I moved up to give him some space. Once he got in, he closed the curtains once again and threw his arms around me.

“I missed you.” Tom said to me softly. He gave me a soft squeeze around me waist, and let go again, his hands now loosely hanging around my middle.

I turned my whole body around, with my back now facing the wall so that I could face my brother. Even in the darkness of the bunk, I could see the tiny bit of sadness that was lurking in his eyes. Tom rarely showed his sadness to anyone but me, and I preferred it that way because it made me feel like I was special to him, but I hated knowing that I was the one who caused that sadness for him because I neglected him. Tom would always be the clown in front of our friends and fans, but Tom hated being alone at night just as much as I did, and now I wasn't even there to keep him company anymore.

I reached out for his hand and started to play with his fingers while he stared at me.

“I've missed you too, a lot. I mean, I know I get to see you every day, but you're my big brother and my best friend and seeing you around other people isn't the same as when I'm alone with you, because then you're my Tomi.”

I watched his smile return slowly, and if the darkness wasn't playing tricks on my eyes, I could see his blushing faintly.

“Yeah, but if you tell anyone about my secret side, I'll kick your little ass all over this bus.” He joked. Tom knew that I would never really tell anyone anything that he had told me in confidence, it was one of the things that made us so close. I was the one who got to be with him when he cried, not just the other way around.

“But Bill, I just wanted to make sure you were okay.” He started slowly, “I've just been worried about you. I haven't really talked to you in so long, but I've noticed that you aren't really that happy, hyper little twat you used to be and I was wondering if anything happened. Because if you and Elena -”

“We're fine,” I interrupted him, I couldn't help but get a little defensive at the mention of her name.

“I mean, I love Elena and I was just so terrified of losing her that I felt like I had to spend all my time with her, and- and making sure she forgave me for any mistakes I might have made.” I corrected myself, in a much softer and friendlier tone.

I wasn't lying to Tom. I did want to spend a lot of time with Elena to convince her that I did truly love her and whenever I laid hands on her, that I didn't mean it and that I would regret hurting her for as long as I lived. I know that I became much more serious, but it was because I was constantly feeling angry, or frustrated. Angry at her for pushing me to my limits or angry at myself because I had once again inflicted pain upon her, I was frustrated because I had caused damage that I couldn't fix no matter how many times I apologized, and yet she still forgave me.

“Bill, you don't have to be so worried. I can see she really loves you just by the way she always looks at you, and I'm really glad you found someone like that. You of all people deserve someone like that, but you have to stop being so afraid and no matter what happens, I'll be here ready to make it better. ”

I tried to thank him, but I started to yawn before I could get any words out. Tom simply laughed at me until I had stopped, moving his hand away from mine.

“I'm sorry I bothered you, Billa. Do you want to sleep?” He asked me.

“You never bother me, you're more important than sleep.” I replied, yawning again, “But I am really tired.”

I turned around again, so that I was leaning against Tom and moved a bit to get his arms around me, but wasn't very successful. We always fell asleep like that when we were younger, and it became a habit when we got older because we would stay up most of the night talking. I grabbed his arms, helping him a bit, and pulled them around me to get more comfortable and snuggled up against him to stop him from leaving.

“Tomi, sing me a lullaby.” I whispered to him.

I could feel him attempting to move and I could only imagine the surprised look he had on his face at that moment. He hadn't sung me to sleep in years, but at that moment, it was what I needed to fall asleep.

“Please, Tomi.”

I heard him sigh and I smiled, taking it as a yes. He moved back to his previous position so that I could feel his breath tickling the back of my neck, it made me giggle.

“Gosh Bill, what am I supposed to sing?”

“That one you always sing to me, please Tomi.” I told him in a small voice. It became my favorite song because it was always the last thing I heard before I fell asleep, it was a beautiful song and Tom's beautiful voice only did it justice. He never gave himself enough credit. There were a few moments of silence before he opened his mouth to begin.

“... You move like water and I'm drowning in the waves that you make
While you're trying so hard to find your heart
I know you're scared
But throw that fear to the dark

One more night is all I need from you
To change your mind
There's something turning in the air tonight
I tired to show you, but the words got twisted
Got twisted …”

I never did get a chance to hear the end of the song, because after the first chorus I had already fallen asleep.

I had never slept as well as I did that morning, I slept like a baby. It was perfect, I could cuddle up to my big brother with his sweet voice ringing through my ears and in my dream replayed the events of last night to the finest detail. I could once again see myself reaching for the knife, making small incisions into the young woman's skin and watching the blood slowly drip from her skin onto the carpet.

I could see the knife pierce through her heart and lungs and chop off various body parts. She had just made it all to easy. I had cut off pieces of skin, broken her bones to make her more flexible. I imagined her screaming at me, begging me to stop, and of course then I would have laughed in her face, telling her that the worst was yet to come.

I slit her throat lightly at first, not even attempting to stop her blood from gushing out, then I started to dig deeper until I had gotten bored with the knife in my hands.

By 6am, there was nothing left of Tonya except pieces of her dismantled body lying on the floor and the blood stains that were left on the carpet, and even that didn't remain there for too long. I had simply retrieved a black bag, carelessly tossing pieces of her into it and made my way into the city, tossing it in a dumpster underneath a mountain of garbage that was already thrown away.

I had cleaned up the carpet just as Elena had done, and the blood stains weren't even visible anymore. I had stayed up all night cleaning up the mess I had made, but it was worth it just to feel that sense of power that I felt. I had no regrets, and I was glad I got to relive it again in my dream. I know that something inside of me should have told me it was wrong, wasn't that what my mother had taught me from basically the day I was born? But I didn't feel it, at all. All I knew was this was one secret I had to keep from my brother, no matter how much I loved him.

Tom and I had slept all the way to Hamburg, and when we got off the bus we were well rested. And because it had felt like I patched things up with my brother, and having the best dream I had in a long time, I was happier than ever.