Merry Christmas, I Could Care Less

I don't think I ever cried over a boy. Actually, I didn't cry over much of anything really. I didn't cry when my grandparents died, I didn't cry when my first boyfriend broke up with me, I didn't cry when I broke my leg when I was 15. Sometimes I thought I lacked tear ducts, but I think what I really lacked was a heart. One that worked anyway. I mean, I was sure I had one, because sometimes it started to beat a little quicker when Matt had his hand up my skirt and sometimes it clenched when I was watching some movie where an animal died, but I think it just didn't work the way everyone else's did.

So could you imagine my surprise as I sat in the middle of my king sized bed at my parents crying my fucking eyes out? And you think the first time I cried in for-fucking-ever wouldn't be so serious right? Because it was almost like I had forgotten how to cry, right? Wrong. The sobs that were racking their way through my body physically hurt me, my stomach clenching so hard that I had to run to the bathroom and puke. So just picture me hunched over my toilet bowl covered in tears, sweat, snot, and puke and all because Matt Nicholls had told me the absolute truth and I didn't like it at all.

I guess I had grown sort of accustom to having complete control over him. Whenever everything else in my life was shit, I knew I could count on Matt to make things better. I knew he would jump through fire just to make me happy. And I took total and complete advantage of that. Because I knew I could. Because I knew that even though sometimes Matt was a dick, and he wasn't a complete pushover to everyone he met, he would always do whatever I wanted him to. I guess it took me crying with my head in the fucking toilet to realize how completely fucked up it all was.

I guess I fell asleep like that, and while I'm willing to bet I looked attractive covered in puke, tears, and snot, I was slightly perturbed when Victoria woke me up the next morning.

"'re yeh okay Miss. Jacobs?" She asked, shaking me softly. I lifted my head up quickly and looked at her through half lidded eyes.

"'ow many times 'ave I told yeh ta call me McKinley?" I mumbled, struggling to push myself to my feet. I ended up doing so with help from Victoria, who didn't even react when she saw how horrible I looked. Years of experience, I'm sure.

"'re yeh wha' do yeh call it? Hung over...?" She questioned as she helped me up into my bed. I took my shirt off, not caring Victoria was still in the room, and tossed it to the end of my bed.
I laughed, "I almost wish," I rolled my eyes. "But no, I'm just....I dunno, sad I guess."

"Does it 'ave anyfhin' ta do wiff tha' boy yeh've been bringin' around lately?" She asked slowly. I grinned at her even though she had made me think of Matt again. I had known Victoria since I was a kid and she was probably the only thing that kept me sane while I was living at home. She was a short woman and rather round with bright curly red hair. She was nearing her 60s and was quite possibly one of the nicest people I had ever come in contact with. It always made me wonder why she would work for people as horrible as my parents. "'e's proper cute, yeh know?"

I laughed again, "Yeh fhink?" I asked, scrunching my nose up at her. I pulled the blankets over my chest and wrapped them around me, covering the bra I was now wearing.

"Oh yes," she nodded, smiling widely. "Me husband 'as tattoos, I've always been rather fond of them," she divulged. "An' tha boy is proper polite too. Always said please an' fhank yeh. 'e's in a band too, yeah?"

"Yeah," I nodded. "Bring Me the 'orizon. Not sure if yeh've 'eard of 'em or not. I didn't know yeh husband 'ad tattoos, Victoria!" I smiled, nudging her slightly.

She giggled and blushed, "'e was proper dreamy when we were younger. Still is!" She laughed. "But I wanna know wha' this boy did ta yeh ta make yeh so sad, love. Yeh look like....yeh don't look yehself," she finally said. I sighed at her and shrugged, suddenly feeling rather awkward.

"'s more of wha' I did..." I mumbled, picking at a hang nail. "An' 'e jus' called me las' nigh' an' called me ou' on all me shit, yeh know?" I shook my head, fighting back more tears. God, is this what it felt like to have a heart? I wasn't sure if I liked it just yet. "I guess I jus' couldn't 'andle it."

"Keep 'im," Victoria said immediately. My head snapped up and I looked at her, completely perplexed. "If 'e calls yeh ou' on yehr shit 'e's a keeper. Who wants someone who lets them walk all over them?" She clarified as she began to pick up the clothes that littered my floor. "Anyway, I 'ope yeh feel better. I'll 'ave Lucy make yeh some chicken noodle soup an' I'll bring it up in a little, okay?" She rattled off as she scurried around the room.

She was gone before I could even respond.

***

I guess I had lost track of the dates because apparently Christmas Eve was a mere three days away. We were having a much smaller get together with Jack's family again so our fathers could finalize their business deal and I couldn't lie and tell you I was looking forward to it.

First off, I knew I still looked like proper shit because I hadn't put nearly as much effort into my appearance as I usually did. Second off, Jack bored me and I knew I'd be forced to play nice with him and. And third off, I fucking missed Matt and he hated my fucking guts.
I had planned on just getting by during dinner. You know, making small talk, keeping my parents happy, drowning my sorrows in Lucy's amazing food. But instead I had maybe a little too much to drink and ended up submitting to Jack's awkward advances. His hand was up my dress and I was pressed against the door to my bedroom, my hands playing with his hair as I desperately tried to act like I was enjoying it.

"You're the prettiest girl I've ever met, Kin," he muttered against my neck. I fought back a sigh as he spoke the nickname Matt had I become so accustom to calling me.

"Let's jus' go in me room," I groaned, opening the door with my free hand. We stumbled into my bedroom messily and I fell back against the sheets with a soft thud as he kicked the door shut behind him. I immediately flipped us over so I was straddling him. I pinned his arms above his head as I looked down at him. "Do yeh wan' me?" I purred. He pushed his hips up into mine and that was answer enough for me. "What're yeh gonna do ta me?" I smirked.

"Whatever you want," he spoke desperately.

I smiled again, "Prove it."

And he did. Well, at least he tried. My dress was off in less than a few seconds and he had just taken to nibbling lightly at my ear, something that normally would have made me scream, but instead it just reminded me of Matt.

"You're amazing," he whispered lightly into my ear. He had just pulled his boxers down to his ankles when I started to cry again. My head was cradled in the crook of his neck and he was hovering over me, his hands on either side of my body ready to fuck my brains out. And instead I just fucking cried all over him. "I uh, I'm sorry?" he apologized, stuttering awkwardly.

"N-no!" I blubbered, sucking in a shaky breath. Jack slowly pulled his boxers back up and I didn't bother to cover up my goodies as he looked at me awkwardly. "'s jus'...I can't do this. I've got...well, yeh see I 'ad this realleh great guy an' I kinda fucked it up," I cried, my make-up pouring down my face in rather unattractive streams.

"That bloke you brought to the parties?" He asked. I just nodded, unable to really form any substantial words. "What did ya do to him?"

"I-I-I," I began, before bursting into another fit of tears. "I made 'im come to tha parties wiff me cause I knew he'd piss off me parents. 'e's everyfhin' they'd hate an' they jus' never cared about me, yeh know? They're always lookin' down on me an' I never knew why. So I jus'...I gave them a reason ta 'ate me," I admitted it finally.

Saying something out loud and thinking it are two totally different things for more than the obvious. In your head, you can constantly justify yourself with most of the time, extremely ridiculous justifications. Once you say it out loud, you're subject to the scrutiny of others. And I wasn't sure if I wanted Jack to be the first person who heard me admit such a horrible thing out loud. Jack was such a sweet kid, and I was rather certain that I scared him quite I bit. I could only imagine the things he thought about me now.

He didn't say anything for a while actually, instead just choosing to stare at me with a set of wide eyes. I already knew he was silently judging me and I was getting mentally prepared to defend myself to him. Although, I probably shouldn't have even been doing that. I had no reason to defend myself. I had fucked up. Big time.

"I woulda never known," Jack shrugged, shocking me slightly with his response.

"Wha' do yeh mean?" I asked slowly.

"Well, when I saw you two you always seemed like you havin' a lot of fun. You seemed happy," he explained simply.

"We did?" I sniffled, a small hint of a smile crossing over my recently morbid features.
Jack nodded, "He always looked at you like he really cared about you, ya know? And you were always smiling."

My smile got wider and I think I might have blushed at the thought. Just think of it, me sitting half naked in front of a boy blushing because he was complimenting me on a relationship I had with another boy. Weirder things had happened, I suppose.

"Do yeh fhink I should go say somefhing to 'im?"

He nodded again, "The sooner the better."

I was so fucking happy that I launched myself over to him and kissed him hard on the cheek. I grinned widely and then hopped off my bed, gathering the dress I had been wearing a few moments prior.

"Thank you so much," I grinned widely, leaving another short kiss on my cheek before running out of my room.

My knee shook the entire bus ride and I couldn't stop my palms from sweating. I hadn't been this nervous since I had almost been arrested from underage drinking with Quinn when we were both 16. When I finally arrived at his building I was nearly pissing myself from nerves. I decided to take the stairs to give me a bit longer to rehearse what I was going to say in my mind. Thankfully, by the time I reached his door I already had a proper speech ready. One I was sure would make him forgive me.

My clenched fist was hovering over the door when it opened slightly. I heard giggling and I rolled my eyes and nearly gagged at the thought of seeing Tom and Quinn after they just fucked, but when the door opened a bit more, the sight before me was much different than the one I had imagine.

It was just a small kiss. More than a peck, but less than a full on make-out session. They didn't notice me. Not until she turned around to leave, her entire being completely screaming "walk-of-shame". She raised an eyebrow at me, but I wasn't look at her. Matt looked completely shocked to see me there. I mean, I'm sure he hadn't expected me at all.

"So this is wha' it feels like, yeah?" My mouth twitched into an awkward sort of nervous smile.

He stiffed his posture then, his grip on the door handle turning his knuckles white. "Wha're yeh doin' 'ere McKinley?" He asked, his words rigid.

"I was jus'....seein' if Quinn was 'ere," I quickly lied. If you ask me now I'm not sure I could tell you why I lied. Why I didn't give him the speech I had planned out anyway. Maybe it was because I was too scared. Maybe it was because I didn't want to seem as fucking pathetic as I'm sure I looked. Either way, the words rolled off my tongue easily and the nameless girl slipped by us quickly, mumbling a quick good-bye to Matt before power walking to the elevator.

"Yeh've got a lotta nerve, yeh know that?" He growled. "I fhought I made it clear I don't wanna see yeh again. Yeh 'aven't got a place in me life anymore."

"I guess I'll jus' give 'er a ring, yeah?" I smiled uncomfortably again, ignoring the words that stung my heart. I could feel myself wanting to cry again. But I sure as hell wasn't gonna let him see that. "If yeh see 'er tell 'er I was lookin' for 'er, yeah?" I rattled an excuse off. "I'll see yeh around," I called over my shoulder as I practically ran towards the elevator.

As soon as the doors shut I let the tears fall freely. I was turning into such a whiney bitch.