Merry Christmas, I Could Care Less

It was weird caring for someone so deeply that they made you cry.

I wasn’t used to it. I wasn’t used to caring, I wasn’t used to crying, I wasn’t used to hurting. I just plain old wasn’t used to any of this. Rightfully so, though, considering I had never experienced it. I had never cared for someone like I cared for Matty. I had never cried over someone.

Yet here I was, doing all of those things as if it were my job.

After running out of Matty’s in tears, I immediately went home. I thought of going to my flat to be with Quinn, but I didn’t feel like answering her questions. I just felt like sleeping for all eternity. It wasn’t like me, but it was how I felt.

I went home instead, calling up Jack on the way. I didn’t really feel like being alone when I got home, and he was all I had to turn to.

When he finally answered, sounding happy to hear from me, I tried as best as I could to clear the meek-ness from my voice as I said, “Could yeh come ova?”

***

Having someone find me sitting in the middle of my bed with a tub of ice cream while I wore sweat pants and cried was not my proudest moment, but it was also extremely accurate to the tee. I was upset, and at that point I didn’t care who knew.

Jack looked sympathetic when he walked through my door. “You alright love?”

My expression was flat as I dug the spoon into the ice cream and took another bite. I gave him a blank look as I said, “No.”

He made his way over to my bed and sat down. “What’s the matter? I thought you were goin’ to talk to Matt. Thought you were gonna make things better.”

I shrugged, devouring some more ice cream. “I tried. ‘e ‘ates meh though, Jack. ‘e whole-heartedly ‘ates meh and probably neva wants ta see meh again. So makin’ fhings betta is a little ‘ard.”

“Did you talk to him though? Like, did he say that himself?”

I nodded sadly. Of course he fucking said that himself. Did this bloke think I made it up just to seem extra pathetic? I didn’t need any extra help. “‘e ‘ates meh, Jack. ‘e really fuckin’ ‘ates me.”

He sighed, and then was silent. He seemed to be deep in thought. It was cute. I liked that he was so set on helping me. I wasn’t used to it, but I liked it.

“Did you invite him to the party?”

I nodded.

“What did he say?”

“Some nasty shit, and basically tha’ ‘e wouldn’t be caught dead at the party.”

Jack sighed and hugged me, which was strnge but I welcomed it anyways. “I‘m sorry, Kinley. I wish things would work out for you.”

I didn’t say anymore as I accepted his hug. I just thought to myself, yeah, me too.

***

It was unusually hard to paste a smile on my face that night.

The annual Christmas Eve party my parents threw every year was just as extravagant, just as ridiculous, as it usually was, and I just wasn’t feeling up to it. I wasn’t feeling up to faking my way through the entire night like usual.

Luckily, I had Jack and mass amounts of alcohol to keep me company.

Unluckily though, I didn’t have Matt there with me. This fact made everything worse.

My parents were unusually happy, probably with my newfound “relationship” with Jack, if thats what you’d even call it. After my breakdown with him the other night when we were getting hot and heavy, I figured we didn’t really have much of a relationship. We were friends though, and that was nice.

For some reason, I had high hopes that he’d show up. Which was ridiculous. I knew he wouldn’t show up, but there was a part of me that was thinking he might. And that part crushed any logical thought throughout the night.

I just kept checking the front door when someone new would arrive. I carefully watched each guest who arrived to see if they had stretched ears or excessive tattoos or those beautiful dimples I had grown to love.

But none of them did, as I should have expected.

I think Jack picked up on my hopes through the night and tried to distract me from them. It didn’t work though. Nothing except mass amounts of alcohol and perhaps some weed would help. Unfortunately, I only had one of the two, and it would have to do.

I ordered another martini as I carefully watched as a new couple walked through my front doors. I deflated slightly when I realized it was just another old couple and not who I wanted.

I was downing my martini rather quickly when Jack came up behind me. “You should probably slow down, love.”

I just shrugged, setting the empty glass on the bar and ordering another. “Wha’s it matta? Not like anyone will care if I vomit at the end of the nigh’ or not.”

“Gettin’ drunk’s not the problem, love. They’re just gonna run outta martinis soon,” he joked.

I rolled my eyes, accepting my newly filled glass, and took a long drink of it.

He sighed, shoving his hands in his pockets. “I know you’re sad, Kin, but gettin’ pissed won’t do anything to help that fact.”

“It’ll make meh feel betta,” I said quietly.

“Numb, Kinley. It’ll numb you. That won’t help. It’d help if you talked to Matt, figured some shit out.”

Now I was angry. Did he really think I didn’t know that? Did he really think I thought alcohol was the answer, when in reality Matty was the answer? “Yeh fuckin’ wanka,” I hissed. “Don’t yeh fhink I know tha’? Don’t yeh fhink I realize that gettin’ pissed tanigh’ won’t do anyfhing for meh? ‘cause I do. But right now, I ‘ave no ofher options.”

He sighed, but then his gaze traveled past me. “Wha'?” I asked immediately, wondering who he saw.

“Your parents are comin’,” he whispered.

Immediately, we turned into a couple. I let Jack put his arm around me while I melted into his side. We both smiled at my parents when they got closer to us. “‘lo mum, daddy,” I said to them.

“‘’lo McKinley. ‘lo Jack,” they both echoed, their voices overlapping one another.

Jack said his hellos and they brightened at his presence. It made me sick how much more they liked him than me, their own daughter.

I tuned out of the conversation then, because I just didn’t care. I finished my martini and was more interested in the bottom of the empty glass than I was in what my parents were saying to Jack and I.

Maybe I should have cared, though, because then I would have caught his entrance.

I don’t know what made me look up. Maybe it was the fact that not even an empty martini glass could hold my interest, or maybe I could just feel the change in the atmosphere in the room. Matt had a presence, after all, and it was always with him. And it certainly was different from the entire feel of the whole house.

Whatever it was, I did look up. I felt Jack tighten his grip on me--probably because he saw him too--not because he didn’t want me to go see Matt, but because my parents were still standing in front of us talking.

It didn’t matter though. None of it mattered.

I caught Matt’s eye as he searched the room for me. He seemed so hopeful, and he looked so damn good. My face immediately broke out into a smile when he caught my eyes, and I guess I was expecting his familiar dimples to show up as well.

But they didn’t. His small smile slowly turned down into a frown which changed to anger pretty quickly as he took in the scene of me in Jack’s arms.

That was all it took for me to leave Jack’s side and head towards Matt. I didn’t care what my parents thought or what Jack was saying or any of it -- I just needed to talk to Matt.

I followed him as he stormed out of the party, calling his name.

“Matt!” Matt, wait. ‘old on!” I yelled as I raced across the lawn in my heels, falling in holes as I went. “Fuck!” I exclaimed as I tripped and nearly broke both my heel and my ankle.

When I finally caught up to him, I grabbed his arm tightly and refused to let go.

He whipped around to face me. “Let go of me arm righ’ now, Kinley,” he growled. “Just fuckin’ let go.”

“No,” I said simply. “Yeh’re ‘ere for a reason, Matt. ‘m not lettin’ go just for yeh ta leave again.”

”I’m so fuckin’ stupid, Kinley!” He exploded. “I come, and yeh’re just wiff anofher bloke. I talk myself into finally comin’ ‘cause I fhink yeh deserve anofher chance, and yeh’re just wiff someone else. Why do I bofher, aye? Does it even matta anymore?”

I swallowed the lump in my throat and nodded slowly. “It mattas Matty. It mattas so much more than you realize.”

He took a step closer to me, and I continued to grip his arm. “Why, Kinley? Why’s it matta?” he growled quietly.

I opened my mouth to say what I wanted, what I needed to say, but nothing came out. “I... I...” I stuttered, something completely unfamiliar to me.

He ripped his arm out of my grasp then, rolling his eyes and scoffing. “‘s wha’ I fhought,” he muttered, turning around to leave me.

Watching his retreating figure was all it took to snap me back to my old self. “Matt, ‘old on!” I called out. He didn’t stop though. I had to do something. I couldn’t lose him, not now.

As soon as the words popped into my head, I was screaming out, “I love yeh!”

Well, that sure stopped him dead in his tracks.

He stopped short in the snow and the cold and turned to face me ever so slowly. “Wha’?”

“I love yeh Matt. I wouldn’t be out in the fuckin’ cold wiff snow all around me while I’m only wearin’ some cheap dress freezin’ meh tits off if it weren’t true,” I yelled at him.

He shook his head. “I ‘eard yeh, Kinley. I fuckin’ ‘eard yeh. But why now? Why righ’ now, why not a month ago?”

“‘cause the idea of lovin’ yeh scares me,” I offered meekly. “I’ve neva been ‘ere before Matt. I don’t know wha’ ta do or say or any of it. This is new ta meh.”

“‘ow do I know yeh aren’t just sayin’ this ta keep meh around, McKinley? ‘ow do I know yeh aren’t fuckin’ wiff meh again?”

I closed the gap between us and captured his lips with my own, wrapping my arms around his neck tightly and pulling him close. Just as I was biting down on his bottom lip gently, I pulled away with a smile on my face. “‘cause I love yeh Matt. I really do.”