Constant Companions

-x-Antonia-x-

That weird feeling returns as I watch my Mia join Justin and Sarah on the dance floor.

I smile, but I’m sure as hell not feeling all sunshine and bunnies about the scene unfolding in front of me. Someone to my left makes a comment about how cute the three of them are together, and I immediately feel sick to my stomach.

I briefly lock eyes with Sarah on accident. I look away almost immediately, only to meet Justin’s gaze, making me wonder what went wrong in the first place.

But it’s not important anymore, and I’m not jealous. Of her?

Never. But of what her and Justin have, because I don’t have it anymore? Well…maybe.

I blink, then his attention is focused back on Sarah and Mia. I sigh.

Now would be a really great time for some chardonnay.

A soft tap comes at my shoulder and I turn.

“Dance?” Matt asks, offering his hand, which I take with a half-smile as he leads me farther into the growing crowd on the dance floor.

“Epic speech there, Matt. Really, you’re a crowd pleaser,” I tease.

“You know me,” he replies, smiling. He’s right. I do know him. For one, I know that he’s using this dance to distract me from the happy circle of Justin, Sarah, and my daughter happening a few feet away.

“Thanks,” I say.

“For what?”

“You know.” He’s about to pretend he doesn’t know when we’re suddenly interrupted by Mia coming and squeezing in between the two of us.

“My turn!” she insists. Matt laughs, taking her little hands in his and giving me a smile that suggests I sit down and take a break for once.

I go to sit, watching Matt trying to lead Mia as she insistently stomps around the dance floor with him.

I catch the eyes of the woman in the blue dress sitting with Josh that I’d noticed looking at me earlier.

“Who’s that?” I ask Beth, nodding discreetly toward the table when she looks away. “Sitting with Josh.”

“No way,” she says, turning to look. “It’s Liz! I haven’t seen her in ages. Used to date Justin. I didn’t know they still talked.”

I can barely process what she’s just said before she’s trying to pull me out of my seat.

“Come say hi with me,” she insists.

“After the dollar dance,” I say, as an excuse. It’s just barely starting up right now. I don’t really want to dance with him, but I want to have awkward conversations with Josh and his friend even less.

“Alright, fine. I’ll get us some drinks. Chardonnay?” she correctly assumes.

“Thanks.”

“Get your dollar ready,” she says, not waiting for my response.

“I don’t-” I start, as soon as returns with our drinks.

I don’t want to dance, I don’t want to meet Liz, I don’t even want to be here.

“Don’t you think it’s sort of messed up to dance with your ex-husband at his wedding?” I contemplate conversationally over my glass of chardonnay.

“Strange, yes. Messed up, no…” she says, pushing me along to join the line for the dance as soon as I empty the glass. I see Mia’s sitting with Justin’s parents, so I feel relieved that she’s not off, I don’t know, dismantling the cake before it’s even cut or something just as disruptive.

“Déjà vu,” Justin says, when I step up for my turn.

“You’re hilarious,” I state dryly, starting to pin the dollar to the front of his tux jacket. “Congratulations on getting burie- er…married. Yeah. Married. Uh, again. Congratulations,” I say, to the now slightly bewildered look on his face. I unintentionally stick myself with the pin as I conclude my idiotic rambling.

And to think: I used to be the calm, collected one.

“Thanks. I think…”

“Do you remember how we met?” I ask him, after the awkward silence ends and our awkward dance begins. I’m not being sentimental, or nostalgic, or any of that crap. I don’t know what I’m being. The question catches him off guard, but the memory brings a slight smile to his face.

“You’re teasing me,” he replies. “And with my own lyrics, too.”

“I’m not. Just answer the question.” He shakes his head, still smiling.

“You were drunk,” he says, the smile turning into a smirk. “Do you remember?”

“Of course. Matt’s New Year’s party,” I reply, before reminding him, “You were drunk, too.” He laughs. I catch Sarah’s eyes over his shoulder for a split-second, and I can’t help but think about how weird this really is, for all three of us.

I can only wonder what people are thinking about me, some of which watched us do this years ago. But it’s not like I owe them an explanation or anything. We’re keeping respectable distance from each other, and it’s not like I feel anything for him anyway.

“I have a question, too,” he abruptly states. I wait for him to continue. “Do you hate me?”

“I hate…the way you comb your hair,” I can’t help but somewhat mock him with his own lyrics, since he already thinks I am anyway. He raises his eyebrows, knowing I’m skirting around the question.

“I thought you also hated the songs I wrote about you.”

“Still hate those, too,” I concede. “But no. I don’t hate you.” The song ends, and I back away. “Congratulations, Justin,” I say again. I turn quickly to leave the dance floor, because I’m feeling weird with all these eyes on me.

Congratulations, Justin.

You beat me, you fucking win.

You’re happy and I’m bitter and alone.

I head for the bar while Beth has her dance with Justin. I almost run into a woman in a red dress I don’t recognize as I get my drink. I quickly take note of Mia’s presence (running around with the other kids her age) before I sit back at the table with my fresh glass while I wait for Beth to finish.

“Let’s go say hi,” she says, tugging on my arm as soon as she returns.

I follow her over to the table, where she hugs Josh and this “Liz.”

The lights on the dance floor start flashing and I immediately want to sneeze as the dj chooses a more upbeat song for the on-going dollar dance.

“Antonia,” I shake her hand, but I’d hazard a guess that she already knows who I am, since I’d caught her studying me earlier.

“Liz,” she replies, smiling.

“Hi Josh. How’s Dot?” I ask, sitting next to him as Beth takes the seat next to Liz.

“She’s sick. Jill stayed home with her,” he says, looking a little distracted. I follow his line of sight to see the woman in a red dress hanging towards the back of the reception hall, a glass in her hand and a somewhat agitated look on her face as she surveys the dance floor. It vaguely registers that I nearly ran into her not too long ago.

I don’t ask Josh why he’s acting so strange; we barely talk enough as it is.

I vaguely hear my name and turn back to the table, realizing that Liz has just asked me a question.

“Oh. Uh…” I begin.

“She met Matt through me,” Beth offers. “They needed an artist for the second album, so I introduced her to Matt.”

“I met Justin at one of Matt’s parties,” I finish, now realizing what she had originally asked.

“You were so wasted,” Beth adds, laughing.

“They both were,” Josh amends off-handedly, but still looking as if he has something on his mind, or maybe waiting for something.

I can only shake my head and roll my eyes at the memory.