Constant Companions

::|Betty|::

I may throw up. Everything about this wedding is making me sick to my stomach.

Everything about Justin is making me sick to my stomach. His hair unsuccessfully combed to look more presentable. His rented suit that doesn't look good on him at all. He looks happier than any human should have the right to be. I can tell he's nervous as fuck though. His fingers tap immeasurable beats against his leg.

I know what would help him and calm his nerves. After all these years I still know his favorite drink, a double scotch and soda, neat. Speaking of drinks the reception better have an open bar or I'm going to be pissed.

I glance around at some of the other people in attendance. Tony is long gone, no doubt he's telling the other bandmates that I'm here. I wonder how they'll react. I see Josh again, but there's really no one else I can recognize. That doesn't really surprise me; I can't imagine many of us from those days would be invited.

The music swells, the ceremony has officially begun. A tiny flower girl walks down the aisle, throwing flower petals haphazardly, pausing to wave joyfully at someone. Judging by the way Justin's already bright face lights up, I can only assume that this is the daughter Tony spoke of. Which must mean the ex-wife is who the girl is waving at. The adorable factor of this wedding has just reached its peak. If this cuteness continues much longer I will end up hurling on the pew in front of me.

I let out a small scoff, just loud enough for the woman next to me to hear and glare at me. Like I could give a fuck.

As the ceremony continues, my mind drifts. It actually psychically hurts to see Justin looking this happy. I didn't think it would. I thought I had long ago gotten over him but seeing him now, beaming at some other woman… I didn't think I'd be so emotional about it.

I don't think I've ever made him look happy. That isn't to say we were unhappy. We had some great times. I just never made him happy when we were sober. Sure there were the smiles and kisses as we nursed each other out of our hangovers, but that was more for the drugs and pain relief than for each other.

Codependency was the strongest point of our relationship. We relied on each other too much. Two fucked up people trying to fill up the hole in their life. Trying to make sure the other doesn't die trying, we couldn't even achieve that. Someone has to be the stronger one. Someone needs to be the foundation. We both refused to be.

We were too wrapped up in our own personal problems. Too self-centered to put our issues aside and help the other out. That's probably why we failed as a couple.

Not that I'm an expert at that sort of thing. Justin was the only semi-normal boyfriend I've ever had.

We actually did things that normal couples did. We went to movies we couldn't remember. We had dinner in restaurants and half the time left without paying. We went out and did things together. I like to think that he actually enjoyed doing all these things with me, even if we were drunk most of the time.

Boyfriends before and after that, if it wasn't a one night stand, were just interested in drugs and sex. Even if Justin didn't care about acting like a couple at least he pretended to.

I remember beck when we first met. I was a journalist then, still working at the same paper I am now. Only now I have a higher title, less work, and more money. Justin used to call me the female equivalent of Hunter S. Thompson, drunk or high when I was off writing my pieces. I took it as a compliment. We were both in New York, though neither of us lived there. By some chance we ended up at the same bar.

I had only been in town for a few days, but I spent so much time in that bar I was treated like a regular barfly. I vaguely remember making a crack at his hair when he ordered. And our several year relationship was born. What a waste.

The bride has just reached the alter. This is going to take for-fucking-ever. It already feels like we've been here for hours. Let's skip the sermon, the cheesy photo montage of the couple, sappy song sung by a member of the wedding party and get straight to the vows. I'm bored and in need of cigarettes and liquor.

This poor bride has no idea what she's getting into. If she did she wouldn't be marrying Justin. I know him. I know what he's capable of doing. I know how sweet nervous Justin can turn violent and spiteful. I've seen the darkest parts of him.

Some music swells and the lights dim as pictures show up on the projector. I sit through all of five seconds of it before I have to leave. I manage to make it to the bathroom before puking my guts out. Despite my earlier complaining, this nausea has nothing to do with the wedding. It's just another hazard of my "life choices". Although generally it's easier on a full stomach so I'm not dry heaving over a toilet bowl, like I am now.

These are the low moments.

Once the retching stops I carefully climb to my feet. I get a drink out of the faucet and swish the water around in my mouth to get rid of the bile taste in my mouth. The taste doesn't leave that easily though, so I go outside for a cigarette.

The parking lot in front of the church is completely devoid of people. There's just me a few feet away from the door, smoking.

I think about Justin, his now and future happiness, and his sobriety. I think back to that fateful day in the hospital when Josh told me to stay away from Justin. I think to a few days later when Justin himself told me that he didn't want to see me anymore, that he was going to try to get clean. I scoffed at him then, thinking he'd be at my door in a few months time.

Bastard. Why didn't he take me with him? We could have done it together and we'd both be sober and happy. For a moment I'm so angry I can't breathe. What right did he have to be happy?

A limo pulls up to the church, and a minute later the bride and groom rush into it. They don't notice me; they're too wrapped up in their own little world. A plan is forming in my head to bring Justin back down to my level, to corrupt him again.

As the rest of the congregation pours out of the church I spot Josh and wave at him, smirking.

Things just got interesting.