My Bulletproof Heart, Your Hollow Point Smile

I walk the few houses down my street, getting to Ashley's porch. I straighten myself out and knock on the door. I check my hair through the window and pat it down. A minute or two goes by and Ashley's mother opens the door. I smile down at her and ask her how she is. We make small talk and I finally excuse myself to go upstairs to talk to Ashley. I make my way up the stairs and down the corridor to her room feeling happy for some reason. I knock before inviting myself in. I find her reading a book on her bed her legs up against the wall and her head hanging off her bed. I chuckle and shake my head.

“Dude doesn’t that hurt your head?” I ask her.

“Nope,” she smiles as she flips the page.

“You’re crazy, all the blood is going to the head and-“

“Good, that means I’m thinking faster.” She cuts me off.

“Not exactly,” I laugh at her. She makes a face at me and closes her book dropping it on the floor. She gets up and sways for a moment before composing herself.

“So it does hurt your head?” I sit next to her. I watch as she pulls a bemused face; I smile at her as I poke her forehead.

“Shut up.” She scowls. She crisscrosses her legs on the bed and faces me. She reaches out and messes with my hair. I scrunch up my face and smack at her hands until she pulls away pouting.

“So guess what?”

“What?” she bounces in place.

“I preformed today at the fair thing down in the main street.”

“And you didn’t bother inviting me?” she gasps as she throws me one of her pillows.

“It slipped my mind!”

“Little bitch. You have to make it up to me now.” She states.

“Okay, fine! Do you have a guitar with you right now?” I challenge her.

“As a matter of fact I do.” She says with a smug look on her face.

I stare at her in disbelief as she gets up from her bed and goes to her closet. She walks in and I hear clatter; seconds later she appears with a light brown acoustic guitar in her hands. She smiles as she wipes off the dust from it. I’m guessing the guitar has been in there for a real long time. She walks over and hands it over setting it on my lap.

“Um I don’t know how to play it but I’ve had it for years, my um… dad gave it to me before he left.”

“Oh, how old were you when…”

“Thirteen but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that you play me that song you sang!”

“Okay okay.” I smile. She sits down as I begin strumming the guitar and I sing the song all over, but this time trying to make my voice sound like different people and pulling faces at her. She rolls her eyes at me and continues smiling through the song. I stare at her as I continue the song, watching her eyes light up. I look away smiling as I sing the lyrics. My fingers stutter on the strings a bit, messing up the flow of the song. I stop all of a sudden and lower the guitar; I reach out to her and grab her chin; pulling her towards me I kiss her. She stutters as she tries to make something out of this. She finally reacts and puts her hands around my neck. We sit there kissing for a few minutes until she decides to pull away and stare down at the guitar.

“Um… I don’t know where that came from.” I speak up.

“Me neither.” She says timidly. We sit there in awkward silence as we look at anything else but each other. I put the guitar behind me on the bed and clasp my hands together waiting for her to say something.

Do something. Anything.

I look at her as she brushes her hair away from her face.

In my seventeen years of living I never would have thought I’d have feelings for a girl. Let alone someone I got along with very well and considered my closest friend. It’s something special. I share her with nobody –well at least not with the people I usually hang out with. This something is special. It’s not something you can label so easily like friendship, because this is something that has shared a kiss, something that has an added feeling to it. Something that hasn’t been talked about but can be felt. And it feels like you’re breaking some sort of rules, the rules of liking someone else but then having your feelings stolen by someone whom you’ve shared experiences with. It gives you a sort of adrenaline, like when you’re running away from an old man’s lawn after having stepped on it; you feel guilt for messing with the old man but can’t help but feel elated all in the same time. This isn’t something you can easily disregard as love; it’s the beginning of something lesser –but not in meaning. It might be the beginning of the end, and it might be something I’m willing to opt for. And maybe it doesn’t always have to be about liking that one person, even if deep down you’ve always wanted them and dedicating your whole life to. They won’t wait for you and I sure as hell wouldn’t want to wait for them. It’s time I’ve controlled the direction of my life. If those I want don’t want me in their life, then there is no point in fighting for them to stay. It’s like trying to get a blind person to see what you see.

I look down at my shoes and go to scratch my head; she purses her lips and looks at the posters hung up on her teal walls. She smiles at them and goes to say something but is interrupted by her phone ringing. She hangs up as soon as she reads the screen. She looks up, but this time she stares at me as she wears a gentle smile on her lips.

“You know, turquoise is my favorite color.”

“I can tell.” I chuckle.

“I’m not finished,” she laughs, “turquoise…it helps to open the lines of communication between the heart and the spoken words, I guess kind of how we are doing now. I’m going to go all sappy on you but… before this… I didn’t think I’d get a shot with you. I was kind of torturing myself just staying here with you, listening to you speak about a guy who wouldn’t even bat an eyelash at you,”

I feel the unsettling feelings swim inside me as I stare back down at my shoes. I shouldn’t even be here. I shouldn’t deserve this. This is too much; I’m going to mess it up. I can feel it. But still, I’m stubborn and selfish. Even if it isn’t the kind of affection I want from the person I most desire.

“Hell, I didn’t even think about getting you to like me… and it sort of just happened on its own.”

I scoff and nod at her, knowing that even I didn’t see this coming. I never planned for this to happen. I would’ve thought we were going to be really close friends and probably be as comfortable as to change in the same room. But even then nothing could have prevented our feelings from showing.

“And it’s not like I’m asking you to forget about him, I-“

“Just want to give it a shot, right?” I ask, finishing her sentence. Her cheeks go a faint rosy color as she nods timidly.

“Well I don’t want to give it a shot,” I say, seeing her facial expression falter, “I don’t want you to just be a side thing while he finally decides what he wants.”

“So you just want to wait. I get it...”

“No I’m asking… if you… want to go out with me. I’m through being miserable over him.”
She smiles as she brushes the sleeves of her shirt against her damp eyes.

“So, is that a yes?”

“Yes,” she laughs.

I smile back as I reach out to cup her face once again and pull her in. All thoughts of Gerard left this room as soon as I entered it. I have no intentions of facing them, not now when there’s finally something better for me. So yes I’ll be selfish about it; I’ll face the consequences later as I kiss her each time harder than the last. This is something I can enjoy now and cry about later. For now, this is better… this is better than hoping for Gerard to come to his senses. This is better than having to torture myself over seeing him with his pregnant girlfriend. This is better than moping around and waiting. Because screw waiting when everything you need is happening now.