Awful Direction

“I’m such a dick,” John groaned, hanging his head in shame.

The doctor, a strict, middle aged woman, coughed awkwardly and gave John a quick glare. He muttered an artificial apology and winced as she twisted his newly healed wrist in tiny circles. Perhaps this final physical therapy appointment would’ve been easier to bear had Devon come with him. She’d distract him with a line from her book, or some weird, philosophical metaphor that didn’t make sense. He knew she’d always come up with something to entertain him through the small tremors of pain. However, since they’d visited Daisy’s grave two weeks ago, John hadn’t heard anything from Devon; and it didn’t seem right suddenly asking her to come to the appointment with him.

“I second that,” Anika stated bluntly, punching John in the shoulder, “Why did you have to flip out on her so bad? Now it’s awkward for all of us.”

John rolled his eyes and rubbed his, now sore, shoulder. “I’m sorry?”

“You should be. I lost a potential friend because you’re acting like a little bitch!”

Again, the doctor looked up from her work and glared at Anika. She hardly even noticed, too concentrated on staring daggers into John’s forehead while Kennedy chuckled nonchalantly from the corner of the office. Typically, he chose to avoid situations like this; letting his girlfriend’s loud mouth do most of the necessary talking. Anika was blunt when she needed to be and, especially today, refused to show John any mercy. By now everyone knew what had happened between him and Devon a few weeks ago, and they all knew how guilty he was feeling, but only Anika had the guts to blatantly punish him for it. Which sucked, but he deserved it.

“Actually,” John spoke up suddenly, “I’m not sorry. I take it back!”

Anika raised an eyebrow, surprised by John’s sudden confidence, “Excuse me? Why?”

“It’s your fault she took me there in the first place,” he snapped, “Yours and Ketely’s. You guys are the ones who put the idea in her head!”

“W-well yeah, but—’’

“If anything, you should be apologizing to me!”

“That’s bullshit! How was I supposed to know she’d come up with this big plan to make you happier? We were just talking; I didn’t think she’d get anything out of it!”

“This never would’ve even happened if you two just shopped like normal fucking girls!”

Both apologized as the doctor gasped and placed her hands on her hips. They shared a long, vicious staring contest, with Kennedy looking awkwardly between them, before he let out a long sigh and stepped between both of them. Anika’s hard expression softened as her boyfriend sent her a stern look, whereas John shrunk a little and turned red under his good friend’s harsh gaze. You knew you had been obnoxious when Kennedy intervened.

“Both of you just stop,” he scolded, “It already happened, okay? There’s nothing you can do about it. If either of you curse anymore we’re going to get kicked out, so just relax.”

Anika looked at her hands before giggling and saying, “You’re hot when you’re annoyed, you know that Kenny?”

A wide grin stretched across Kennedy’s cheeks. Anika howled with laughter as he swept her into his arms and nuzzled his face in the nape of her neck. Meanwhile, John stared at them in silence with envious eyes. They were the happiest couple he’d ever seen, despite the fact they were constantly arguing with each other. One minute they hated the other’s guts, the next they were making out in the living room as if nothing had ever happened. To put it briefly, they shared a very exciting relationship. Full of kisses, sarcasm, sex, and wrestling matches. John looked at Kennedy now, at the way he smiled around Anika, and couldn’t help but feel a bit sick. They made it look so easy; and for them it probably was. John craved an easy relationship, but he was prone to the difficult kind. The kind that never had a happy ending.

John looked at Kennedy with his girlfriend and thought of Daisy, because she had been the one to introduce them. She had always been good with chemistry, she knew the moment Anika shook his hand they’d fall for each other. She always said she wanted to see her friends happy before she became romantically involved with anyone, and she got her wish after Ketely met Garrett. It was right after that, she agreed to go out with John.
Although everything sort of went up in flames after Jared’s breakup.

“So what are you going to do?”

John looked up from the tiled floors at Anika. “What am I going to do with what?”

“About Devon,” she replied with a duh tone, “You can’t just ignore her forever.”

“On the contrary, I think I can.”

Anika groaned, growing irritated with John apathy. “You know, I’m no matchmaker, but it doesn’t take a wizard to see the chemistry going on between you two. Are you really just going to let that slip away?”

“What are you talking about? What chemistry?”

“You’re an idiot. Honestly,” she sighed, “Do you really think you’re just ‘teasing’ when you flirt her? Friends don’t do that, John. Guys with crushes on their girl friends do that.”

“Are you done?” he asked flatly.

She glared at him. “No. You’re always in a better mood when she’s around too, or even brought up in a simple conversation. You just get this smile on your face that I’ve never seen before. You go back to being the old John, even if only for a little bit.”

Now John was avoiding all eye contact in the room, slowly soaking up Anika’s words. He didn’t want to admit she was right, but frankly he didn’t know. When he was with Devon he never heard the bells and whistles going off in his head or anything like that. They were just two friends hanging out. He never thought twice about it honestly. Still, what he was hearing now made his past behavior awfully suspicious. He tried imagining himself in a more than friend’s relationship with Devon, but could only visualize the things they together do now. Driving to 8123, constantly pretending—or so they thought—to flirt with each other, lying in the grass looking at the stars, trying so hard to cheer each other up.

And then he remembered that peculiar feeling in the pit of his stomach, the one he felt at Daisy’s grave. It had been the first, and last, time he ever felt something so quick and strong. It definitely symbolized something more than friendship, but perhaps not as strong as love. He couldn’t figure it out, whether the feeling was good or bad, because he’d never felt it before. Not even with Daisy.

“Shit,” he whispered in disbelief, “All this time…”

“Well Mr. O’Callaghan you seemed to have made a full recovery,” the doctor spoke up. Her voice then turned bitter, “Now take your dirty mouth and get out of my office.”

The three of them exited the building, Anika and Kennedy softly laughing to themselves. However John was still lost in thought, silently finishing his last statement.

All this time…have I been falling for her?

*~*

“I just got off the phone with Kennedy,” Garrett said, walking back into Devon’s room, “John’s fine. His wrist is completely healed.”

Ketely let out a sigh of relief and looked at Devon lying face down on her bed, smothered by pillows. A sympathetic smile replaced her blank expression as she sat down beside her and rest a comforting hand on Devon’s back, who didn’t even bother moving. She simply let out a small groaning noise as a sign she hadn’t suffocated yet. Although the idea had crossed her mind once or twice.

“C’mon Dev, you can’t keep blaming yourself for this,” Ketely stated sadly, “It wasn’t your fault he freaked out.”

Devon mumbled something inaudible against the pillows.

Ketely leaned in to hear her more clearly. “What?”

“I said that it was my fault for taking him there in the first place,” Devon exclaimed, shooting up straight, “If I had just minded my own business and let him deal with it himself, we could be together right now watching movies or something.”

“Personally I think he needed to visit her,” Garrett spoke up, joining the two girls on the bed, “Maybe he’ll finally start accepting that she’s gone and will move on, you know?”

“Or maybe he’ll hold it against me for the rest of our lives and shun me forever.”

“Oh please, you know he’d never do that,” Ketely replied with a roll of her eyes.

An empty look appeared on Devon’s face, she studied the couple in front of her before lying back down and staring at cracks in the ceiling. The past two weeks had been a blur, and a boring one at that. Without John to entertain her all Devon really had left for a distraction was more meetings. Meanwhile her lazy grandmother lounged in her room all day and night, supposedly brainstorming more ideas for another award-winning novel. You could hear her snoring from a mile away though, so by now Devon knew work was the last item on Michelle’s agenda. And in a way, Devon was mildly appreciative that her grandmother wasn’t smothering her 24/7. It made sulking a hell of a lot easier.

“I can’t believe I thought I could help him,” she sighed, “I’m so pathetic.”

“Don’t say that!” Ketely gasped.

“Yeah, you’re awesome Devon! You just need to get your mind off things for a little,” Garrett said with faux cheer.

His girlfriend nodded eagerly and forced Devon to sit up, holding her by her shoulders. Devon simply allowed her entire body to go limb, exhausted from supporting the weight of the world. A small part of her felt guilty for being such a poor host towards Ketely and Garrett, but that part of her was silenced by the gnawing shame she still felt for stepping on such a sensitive area of John’s life. She could still clearly picture the broken look in his eyes, as well as the desperate need to scream in her face and destroy everything in sight.

“Let’s go make something to eat,” Ketely suggested, “You haven’t eaten anything all day, so you must be hungry.”

Actually, she really wasn’t. If anything Devon felt terribly nauseas.

“We’ll make some popcorn and watch bloody horror movies all night!”

Ketely snorted. “Hell no, the game is on in an hour. I refuse to miss it.”

“I still can’t believe I’m dating a Cowboys fan,” Garrett groaned, “You’re going to have to miss this one.”

“Hey fuck you, I’m not missing anything!”

“It was your idea to distract Devon! I doubt she knows anything about football!”

Both of them went back and forth for a little until Ketely finally gave up. Devon found their bickering to be quiet distracting in itself. She admired Garrett’s relationship with his girlfriend, it was quite peculiar compared to every other couple. They didn’t really brag about each other, like most did, and typically kept the gooey, cutesy crap for the time they shared alone. Naturally though, Garrett had to be touching Ketely at all times. Rather often Devon spotted him playing with her fingers or pulling her body closer to his. As if having her company wasn’t enough. It was something Devon loved most about them; they showed their affection towards one another in the simplest, yet most passionate, ways.

“Jesus, Devon. Did your grandmother buy the entire grocery store?” Garrett asked.

The three of them looked into the pantry in awe at all the different foods, neatly organized in alphabetical order. It seemed as though she had everything, from Pringles to Cosmic Brownies. You could find any sort of junk food sold to man and maybe even more. Behind every cabinet door there lied another type of food; healthy, non-healthy, sugary, salty, low fat, border-line heart attack, et cetera. Until now, Devon had always wondered why her grandmother never asked to go grocery shopping. She was also very curious to know how whenever the milk ran out, or the last slice of bread was eaten, there was always a perfect replacement by the next morning.

“I honestly didn’t even know we had this much food,” she confessed with a laugh.

Garrett smiled at all the options. “This calls for a major junk food feast!”

“And a horror movie film festival,” Ketely cried from the living room, “I think I’ve found every blood and guts movie there is!”

“I will definitely be coming over more often,” Garrett laughed, shuffling through the cabinets.

Devon smiled, feeling a little better, and assisted in piling food onto the counter. She highly doubted the three of them could finish half of what they had chosen. By tomorrow she was sure she’d weigh over a hundred pounds heavier than ever, but she didn’t care. Back home in Washington Devon never had little moments like this with friends. Mostly because she’d never really focused on making friends. Her head rested in academics and studying for exams, which was usually a turn-off to her colleagues. The only real friend she could remember was Samantha Thomason, in the third grade.

She couldn’t help but laugh at how lame she’d been all these years. Her mother had always held such high hopes for her though, Devon couldn’t possibly let her down. At the cost of her social life, she put a little extra time into homework and tests; for her mother.

“Antidepressants?” Garrett asked, pulling them out of the cabinet, “What are these for?”

“Oh, they’re my grandmothers,” Devon shrugged, grabbing more food.

He raised an eyebrow and twisted so she could see the prescription. “It has your name on the front.”

Both he and Ketely—from the living room—were staring a Devon suspiciously, though her collected expression never faltered. A small smile tugged at the corners of her lips as she replied, “When my mom passed away, my dad’s attitude kind of went downhill. He was in a pretty bad state when the doctor prescribed him the same medicine. I didn’t want him feeling weird, like something was wrong with him, so I got some for myself. Anyway, it doesn’t hurt to have them around just in case.”

“So you take these every day?”

“Yup.”

“And what happens if you stop?”

Devon paused. “I don’t really know,” she answered honestly, “Probably nothing, but I’ve never tried to find out.”

Garrett nodded once before placing the orange tube back in its rightful place. Together they hauled their snacks into the living room, where Ketely had set up a pile of movies, and made themselves comfortable on the velvet loveseat. As the main menu for Fight Club began, Devon couldn’t help but feel sort of melancholy. An unfamiliar feeling was running through her stomach. It made her pulse ring in her ears, and her fingers itch to pick up the phone and dial John’s number. She didn’t like where things had ended between them. The hateful look in his eyes couldn’t be the last memory Devon had of him. Seeing as this awkward air between them was her doing, it was now her job to make it go away as well. Without any planning this time though, because those never seemed to end in her favor.