My Angel

Alex sat in the hard plastic chair outside of the delivery room. He had his head buried in his hands, and he could not, for the life of him, stop tapping his foot. That's what he did when he was nervous, he just tapped. Right now, nervous was an understatement. He could not even begin to try to make sense of what was going on at the moment, all he knew was this was not right. He should be in the delivery room right now, with his girlfriend, and his newborn baby, he should be with them. But he wasn't, and the thoughts of why, were enough to make him sick.

He was so scared, so beyond terrified. Everything was going fine. He thought it was going flawless...sure, she was having some trouble, and sure, he knew she was in indescribable pain, but she was getting through it fine...she was... he thought she was. That is until, suddenly, as soon as he heard his daughters first cries, she passed out. Her eyes rolled back and she seemed to just fall back onto the hospital bed, in a deep sleep. The doctors rushed to get Alex out of there as soon as possible, not even allowing the young man to even get a good look at his baby. They shooed him out of the cramped delivery room, with no word of what was happening, and no explanation as to when he'd be able to see either of them...no comment on whether or not she was okay.

He could feel his heart beating uncontrollably, and he was struggling to keep steady breaths, but he had such a terrible, sickening feeling in the pit of his stomach, that everything would not be alright..that his little happy family, would not be okay. He couldn't help it when a sob escaped him. He tugged at his hair a little, not knowing what to do with himself. He needed answers, and he needed them now .
"Fuck," he cried as his foot continued to tap on the linoleum.

Alex was only 19 years old, his girlfriend, Aiden, was only 18. When they found out she was pregnant, of course, they were scared, but they loved each other, there was no doubting that. They knew that could do this together, and as the months passed, they were more than excited to start a family together. All Alex could think about right now is how she had to be okay, she had to. She had to be there for the baby, she was so excited for her, they talked and talked, and planned, and laughed and were just so ready to be happy together, with the baby. Oh God, he thought to himself, you couldn't take that away from me, from us, please....she has to be okay, please. He begged silently.

He continued to cry, his nerves literally eating him alive. He couldn't think straight. All he could think about was Aiden, her smiling, and laughing, and kissing him, her voice in his ear, telling him everything would be okay. Things had to be okay, for he feared, beyond anything else, that there was no way in hell he could raise their baby by himself.

"I love you, Aiden...please be okay," he sobbed to no one.

Suddenly, the doors to the room opened, and the doctor walked out, she pulled off her mask, and her look said it all. Alex only had to glance at her, to know what was coming. The look on the doctors face was full of sorrow, remorse, but worst of all, pity.

Alex shook his head instantly, standing up as she approached him. His face contorted in pain, and he continued to shake his head furiously as the doctor sputtered out life altering words to him.

"I'm so sorry, Alex, I really am... she had an aneurism, there's nothing we could do, we tried, we really did...I'm so sorry, she-" the doctor said, trying to be calm.

"No! Don't you dare say it, don't you fucking say it, no!" Alex cried, as the sobs escaped his chest.

The doctor gave him a frown, but continued, "I'm so sorry Alex, she's gone."

Alex felt his knees give out then, dropping to the floor instantly. He brought his knees to his chest and screamed out in anguish. His whole world crashed around him in a matter of minutes. He felt like his heart was being ripped out of his chest. He pounded his fist on the floor as he shook with sobs violently, repeating himself over and over again until the words no longer made any sense, they just came out as one mumbled consonant, "Aiden, oh God no, Aiden."

The doctor looked at him as he cried, there was nothing she could do but let him grieve.

A million things were whirling through his troubled mind, he felt like he was going to throw up. He could barely breathe. He didn't know what to say, what to think, he was so utterly helpless. He felt so alone. He sat on the floor, sobbing violently. He stood up on shaky legs, as he continued to sob, all he wanted to do was hit something, to scream, to die, he wanted to be dead. His whole life was taken from him, that's what it felt like. He pounded his fist against the hard dry wall, repeatedly, until he felt hands on his back, patting him soothingly, trying to get him to calm down. He shook away from their grasp roughly.

"Don't touch me!" he screamed as he buried his face in his hands.

He sat in the plastic chair again after a few minutes, he felt like he was dead inside. He couldn't believe it, he didn't want to believe it. After he finally calmed himself down, after he let out every single sob he had building inside of him, he sat in the chair, slumped back into the wall, kind of in a weird daze. he was trying to convince himself that this was all a dream, and soon enough, he would wake up. But no matter how hard he closed his eyes, or pinched himself, this nightmare would not go away.

The doctor gave him a long hard stare before speaking again, "Alex, do you want to see her?"

He gave her a confused look, "See who? Aiden?" he asked painfully.

The doctor shook her head, "No...your daughter."

He lifted his eyebrows, his daughter . He couldn't believe he actually forgot about his baby for a moment. But, his heart was hurting too much to remember, he supposed.

He bit his lip as silent tears fell down his cheeks, "Y-yeah... Yes," he nodded slowly.

He wasn't really sure if right now was a good time, he wasn't really sure if he could handle it, but then suddenly it hit him. He had no one. No one else in the world. His family, his friends, no one else he cared about like he did Aiden, no one. But now, now he had this little tiny baby, and without Alex, she would have no one as well. He would never let that happen. Even without seeing her, he knew that she would be his whole entire reason for living after this day, because he wanted so much right now, to be dead just like Aiden.

He walked into the nursery quietly, he spotted the bassinet immediately, and his heartbeat sped up, knowing who was inside of it. He could still feel his cheeks soaked with tears, he fumbled to wipe them away quickly as the doctor picked up the fragile infant in her arms, holding her out to Alex.
Alex's eyes grew wide, eyeing the small baby, worried. He didn't want to drop her, and she was so tiny, he was afraid she might break.

"I-I-," He stuttered, but the doctor shook her head and placed the baby into her father's arms.

"She'll be fine, you're her daddy, she needs you," she spoke quietly, nodding her head, but Alex barely heard her.

All he was focused on was the tiny being, in his arms. He let out a small laugh as the tears fell down his face again. She was beautiful.

"H-hey baby girl," he smiled, "I'm your daddy," he said quietly, rubbing her cheek with his forefinger, "happy birthday, honey," he grinned.

Her eyes fluttered open just then, and Alex's heart melted just a little bit more, she had the prettiest blue gray eyes he had ever seen. Apart from Aiden's, that is.

"Do you want to sit?" The doctor asked him, and he just nodded. She bought a chair over to him, and he sat down, carefully cradling her in his arms.

"Do you have a name for her?" the doctor questioned, smiling down at them. Her heart was heavy for the teenager, but there was really nothing she could've done to save his girlfriend.

He cringed unintentionally, he had forgotten about that part.

"I have nothing, still! It's been 9 months Alex, and I still cannot think of one single name," He heard her voice in his ear again and he bit his lip hard, remembering her words to him just days ago.

"You know what we should do? We should just wait to see what she looks like, 'cause then we'll be able to tell who she looks like, you know? Like if she's a Mary, or a Leah, we'll be able to tell the second we see her! I think we should do that!"

He remembered her telling him this excitedly, her dazzling smile winning him over instantly.

He felt the tears sting his eyes again, but he shook his head and blinked them away. He looked at his daughter once more, she made him feel better. She was so adorable, she took the pain away, even if it was just a little bit. He kissed her cheek softly as she stared at him in wonder. He couldn't help but think she was the most amazing thing in the world. He stared at her for a moment longer, contemplating what it was he should name her.

He nodded his head suddenly and looked at the doctor, "Ava. Ava Marie Gaskarth," he said with a smile, looking back at his baby.

"That's a beautiful name," the doctor smiled.

He nodded, not taking his eyes off of Ava, "For a beautiful baby."
-
3 Years Later.

"Come on, baby, we're here," Alex grinned as he unbuckled his 2 year old and took her out of her car seat, holding her on his hip.

"Gonna see mommy?" she questioned, staring at her father with large eyes.

He smiled and kissed her nose as they walked through the cemetery on a cold December day.

"Yeah babe, it's her birthday today, remember?" he grinned as he continued to walk carefully, making sure not to disturb any of the burial plots.

The baby nodded and rested her head on Alex's shoulder, staring at him adoringly. She could walk, but Alex would rather hold her close to him when they came to visit her mom. She was his little piece of her mother, and here, with Ava, is when he felt closest to her.

His heart still ached for her, but he's healing, as best as he can. Every day he stares at her picture for a little while, just remembering her, remembering them. Whenever he looks at Ava, he's reminded of Aiden, and it makes him smile, she is just like her. She has her dark brown hair, and amazing eyes, her attitude, her smile, everything about her just screamed Aiden, the only thing she has of Alex's, is his nose, and he's just fine with that.

He is trying his best to move on. He knows, however, that he could never stop loving her.

They came upon the granite headstone that read, "Aiden Krista James. The past is history. The future, a mystery. But we will hold dear our memories of her, her smile, the sound of her laughter...forever. December 19, 1988. June 23, 2006."

Alex sighed as he touched the headstone gently, "Happy birthday, Aiden," he whispered, "I love you so much, you're my angel," he murmured, just staring down at it for a second.
She would've been 21 today.

Ava was looking down at the headstone also, she had been here many times before, she knows her mother is in heaven with the angels, but it makes her sad coming here, because it makes Alex sad, and her dad is her everything.

Alex felt tears fall down his cheeks and he sucked in a deep breath. He didn't want to cry, he tried his hardest not to, but whenever he came here, he just couldn't help it.

Ava took notice to her father's tears and wiped them away quickly with her small hands, "Don't cry, Daddy," she said softly, kissing his cheek and wrapping her tiny arms around his neck.

Alex laughed slightly and hugged her tight, still looking at the headstone. He had so much love in his heart for the little girl he was holding, and for her mother that was no longer with them, he didn't even think it was possible to love someone as much as he loved Ava.

"Sorry baby, it just makes me...sad sometimes," he sighed, rubbing her back.

She nodded, "Miss her, daddy?"

He nodded, biting his lip, "I miss her a lot, doll, but I know she's smiling down at us right now, she loves us, you know," he said, kissing her cheek.

She giggled and nodded, "Love her too, daddy, and love you, too," she grinned, making Alex laugh at how adorable she was. He still couldn't believe he had made such a cute kid.

"Love you, Ava Marie," he squeezed her tight again, and looked at the headstone, touching it for another brief moment.

"Okay baby, wanna go get some ice cream now?" he asked, bringing her forward to look her in the eyes.

She nodded at him excitedly, smiling wide.

He smiled at her, "Okay great, let's get going," he said, turning back towards their car, walking away at a steady pace. He never stayed long, he didn't feel like he could stand being there for a long period of time, he just stayed long enough, to show he cared, still, and loved her, still.

"Until next time, Aiden, love you baby," he said as he walked away.

He looked at the sky briefly, knowing she was up there, knowing, she could hear him.