Accidentally Yours

“Kat, I need your help,” I said urgently during lunch time. Beside me, Raven sighed.

“What’s going on?” she faced me, looking up from the book she was reading—The Alchemyst by Paulo Coelho—again.

“Am I abnormal?”

Her jaw dropped. “Huh?” she exclaimed exaggeratedly. "What the hell?"

“My stomach doesn’t feel like it’s getting any bigger,” I said.

“Well, what if you aren’t pregnant?”

“I wish I weren’t, but I think I am. I mean, I’m getting dreams like, having a child—“

“—a monster child, at that,” Raven put in.

“Shut up you,” I spat. Turning to Kat again, I said, “At what month will it get big?”

“In about two months, I guess.”

“By then we won’t be at school. It’s our semester break, right?”

“Yeah, but what happens after that?” she asked.

It was depressing, in fact, all too depressing. But for the sake of atoning for my sins, I would have to do it.“I’ll have to stop going to school.”

“You’re crazy.”

“I’m serious. I’d rather drop out early than to be spread rumors about,” I said matter-of-factly. “I’ll tell mom as soon as I gather all of the courage that’s still left in me.”

Raven cut in again, “I’ve been telling her all morning to not jump into conclusions. She’s really stubborn, Kat. Why not tell her that, please? You have awesome persuasive powers, don’t you?”

Kat sighed and stood up from her chair, before she wrapped an arm around my shoulders overdramatically. She fake-wiped tears from her eyes and said, “Name the kid after me when the time comes.”

Raven’s eyes widened. “Kat, you retard! You’re being too supportive!”

“Better than telling her to get a fucking abortion, right?” Kat shrugged.

“Everything’s going to be okay, you’ll see,” I muttered to no one, trying to reassure myself that somehow, everything really would fall into place.



Actually, everything was not going to be okay. I was sixteen—too young to be pregnant. I mean, I'm still a child myself, I thought. How could I possibly be a good mother?

I thought of getting a pregnancy test, but it would be too embarrassing to buy one at the store. I didn’t have the guts to ask our guidance counselor either.

I was absolutely, undoubtedly, and definitely miserable.

I leaned against a bookshelf, a book entitled Teenage Pregnancy: A Guide on my hand. Normally, it would have been embarrassing to check these types of books out, but there was no sign of anyone at all, so it was fine.

“Teenagers nowadays blah blah blah…” I muttered under my breath as I read. None of the books made any sense at all.

“Hayley!” I looked up and saw Rob walking over to where I was. Impulsively, I hid the book behind me.

“Rob?” My heart raced. He was so…I didn’t know how to describe him. I didn’t know any word that fit his beauti—then I remembered what Aly had told me. She had asked me to get away from him.

“What a coincidence!” he said, smiling cheerfully. I excused myself, but then just before I was able to move from where I was, he cornered me with both his arms on either side of me. “Not.”

“Uh—“

“I came to the library, thinking you might be here. Looks like I hit the jackpot.”

“Where’s Aly?”

“Aly?” he leaned closer, and I caught a whiff of his scent. I felt dizzy. “She’s somewhere, I guess. I don’t really know.”

“What do you w-want?” I tried my hardest to sound cold, but with him, all my walls broke down. I still loved him, still yearned for him.

“What do I want? Hmm, let me think,” he whispered. Our faces were inches apart. His green eyes were holding mine. His lips were slightly parted. My vision started to dim. “You. It has always been you.”

I thought of Aly, and somehow the thought of her rendered me able to fight back “Liar,” I spat, this time with cold, dripping acid. “Stop playing with us like we’re your dolls.”

He looked surprised for a moment, but then reverted back to his usual smugness.”Oh, so you can actually resist me now?”

“I’ve already…forgotten about the past,” Of course I lied. I still couldn’t resist him, still couldn’t look away from him. But for Aly, I would try my best to hide what I truly felt. I would try.

“I’ve been seeing you hanging around with Evans,” he said. “That’s painful for me, you know?”

“You have a girlfriend.”

“But the girl I love isn’t her,” he broke the distance between us when he nibbled the side of my neck, as if sucking blood. His lips were warm against my skin, and for the first time in my life, I felt afraid of Rob, of what he was going to do. I didn’t hate it, but I didn’t like it either.

“St-stop it...”

He did the same to the other side, and I tried to push him away with all my might. The book dropped to the ground, making him lose his guard. I pushed him again, and this time, managed to escape.

Tears streamed down to my cheeks as I ran as fast as I could away from him. My stupid heart raced painfully fast. I dared not to look back, because I was scared that if I did, I might return to his side. I might consider betraying Aly…and Raven, as well.



Someone ran fast from the far end of the hall. By the time Raven realized who it was, Hayley had already bumped into him so hard that they both fell to the marble floor.

“Sorry,” she apologized.

“Ow…Hayley, watch where you’re going—“ Then he noticed that her hands were shaking. “What’s wrong?”

She glanced up at him hysterically. “R-R-Raven…”

“What?”

“Rob…he…“

It was his name again, Raven gritted his teeth. “What did he do?”

His question had been answered the moment he saw her neck. It was reddish, as if bruising. Raven knew what it was—a hickey. A kiss mark was planted on either side of her neck.

“Did he do this to you?”

Hayley hesitated for a moment, before she nodded.

“I’m gonna beat that fucking bastard up.” Raven made his knuckles crackle. He was losing to his temper; he felt so angry that the only thing he wanted at that moment was to get his hands on Kingsley’s sorry face.

Hayley grabbed his arm. “Raven,” she muttered lowly, pleadingly. "Please."

Raven clenched his fist and eased himself to sit on the floor next to her. “Why?” he asked, his voice somewhat broken. “Why can’t you just hate him?”



“Even though he keeps hurting me…“ I began, averting my eyes from his. “Even though he’s forced himself to me, even though he looks like he’s fooling around with me and Aly…even though he likes to mess with my life…”

My love for him was too overwhelming. It was so hard, so hard to explain how much Rob meant to me. I was willing to make a fool of myself, as long as he reciprocated my feelings back. I was that stupid.

I created my own heartache, my own pain. I kept breaking my own heart. Continued loving, even when it felt like I was slowly killing myself inside. It was as if I was addicted to the pain, addicted to the pain I get from loving him. Like a masochist.

“I can’t help myself—because he’s the boy I’ll probably never forget.”

Raven didn’t say anything. He just watched as Hayley completely broke in front of him. There was nothing he could do anyway. She was as stubborn as hell—and was completely stupid too.

He would always be second great in her heart, and that made him even more stubborn and stupid than he already was.



“What?” I asked Kat from the other line.

“You heard me. We’re taking you out today. Time to cheer up,” she said. And by ‘we’, she meant Raven and her. “Come on, it’s Saturday. What else would you do a weekend?”

“Homeworks?”

“Wrong!” she yelled. “You moron. Just stop complaining and get your ass up. We’ll pick you up at nine, so you’d better be finished.”

I sighed and did as she said. Nothing was going to stop an irritated Katrisse.

After taking a shower and wearing my usual set of clothes—band shirt, pants, sneaks: the usual. I went downstairs and waited for them. It took them half an hour to arrive.

“And you said I’d better be finished by nine,” I scowled at the two of them.

“Sorry we’re late,” Kat apologized, smiling innocently, and then nudged Raven with her elbow.

“Ow,” Raven cursed under his breath. Then, to me he added, “Met trouble on the way.”

“Trouble?”

They exchanged looks for a moment before Kat spoke up. “We met Rob and Aly a while ago. At the station. And then we warned Rob—in private, of course—to lay off of you. He keeps getting on my nerves, that little jerk.”

“Kat was the one who did all the talking,” Raven commented.

“Well, I wasn’t the one who said, ‘If you ever d—ummph!‘”

Raven covered her mouth abruptly before he smiled at me, making me feel strange and weird inside. “Let’s just go now, okay? Don’t mind our friend here.”

I nodded and smiled back, a tad bit curious about what Kat had been about to say.



The first thing I said was—well, I didn’t actually say anything. I was completely speechless at this point.

“What are you thinking?” Raven nudged me with his elbow.

“Stars. Plenty of them.”

“Artificial though,” he smiled.

Kat put an arm around my shoulders and said in a sing-songy voice, “Your favorite place—next to the library, that is. Tadaa! Planetarium. I saw an upcoming event, so I had to buy you tickets.”

I glanced at both of them happily and excitedly. Planetariums! Stars! Astronomy! I hugged the both of them at the same time without thinking.

Then ever so quickly, I pulled back the moment I smelled Raven’s scent.

He glared at me. “Why are you wrinkling your nose like an old lady as if I smell like a hobo?”

“You do,” I spat unintentionally—because of the old lady part. “You smell terrible.”

Kat sighed and turned to him, “Ignore. She’s just not used to men’s perfume other than Rob’s.”

Raven’s eyes darkened slightly, and I felt afraid for a moment. Afraid of what exactly? Of Raven? No. Of Raven leaving me.

“I’m sorry,” I apologized quickly, hoping he wouldn’t be angry for too long. “It’s just that I…”

“I get it,” he said. “I get it, so don’t explain anymore. Let’s just get inside.”

He hurried on ahead as Kat and I exchanged glances. She shrugged, smiled reassuringly and told me everything was going to be absolutely fine.



Which was not the case. At all. Again.

Inside, Raven and I sat beside each other. His scent wafted through the air I breathed, and as much as I despised myself for feeling nausea, I wanted to just get away from him and rush to the toilet and vomit it all out.

Which, of course, I did not do.

“Raven,” I whispered, staring at the projection of constellations above.

“What?” he asked, voice cold.

“I’m—“ His scent again, ugh. “—s-sorry.”

He sighed. “I stink. I get it. Don’t apologize. It’s my fault I stink.”

“No!” I quickly retorted. “You don’t stink stink, as in body odor. I just don’t like the perfume you wear. It smells like—“

“Like?”

“—like winter.”

That made him look at me with wide, near-laughter eyes. “Winter? Can you smell winter?”

I looked down at my knees, unsure why exactly I told him that.“Rob’s reminded me of summer.”

“Rob again.”

“I can’t help it. I have a tortured heart.”

“Yes, you have. And that just…well, I don’t know, annoys me for some reason.”

“It’s hard to escape when you fall deep; I admit that fact,” I said. “But—someone can still save me, right?”

I wondered if he could hear my heart racing in the silence that followed after. I turned to face him, and he faced me back.

He smiled—a smile that made me want to hate myself for wishing he were Rob at the very moment. “Right,” he reassured. “You can still be saved.”

"As long as I...forget Rob?"

He closed his eyes. "As long as you're willing to fall in love with me."