Oh Amelia

"Do you.. love me, John?" I asked hesitantly.

I bit my lip as I looked into his eyes. A part of me didn't even really want the answer. If he loved me that's just one more person I'll disappoint. And if he didn't? Well I guess it wouldn't be much of a shock.

"Amelia...I, uh, I do really care about you but this isn't how I want the first 'I love you' to go." He explained, still knelt down in front of me.

"John I don't-" I started to say as I put my hands up, subconsciously blocking John from me.

"I know, okay? It's barely been a year since Andrew died and you're not ready. I know that." He sighed as he rubbed his face with his hands. "But someday you'll be ready and I'll be right here waiting for you."

I swallowed hard. My feelings for John were so complex. I like him. I really like him. But at the same time, my feelings make me incredibly guilty. Once the guilt kicks in I remember that I'm a worthless drug addict and it pushes me over the edge every time.

"It'll never happen, John. It was stupid of me to move here. Since I probably don't have a job anymore I'm just going to go back to California when my lease is up. I can't do this anymore-"

I was cut off by John pressing his lips against mine. It felt amazing to have somebody touch me again. I deepened the kiss and wrapped my arms around John's neck. His slid his down my sides and under my butt. Then he shifted me so I was laying down underneath him on the couch. I wrapped my legging-clad legs around his waist and he moaned into my mouth.

I broke away from the kiss and started to kiss down his neck.

"Ohh fuck." He groaned. "Wait, stop. Stop."

"What?" I asked, confused.

"I don't want this to happen right now. You're upset and vulnerable and it would just be wrong." He sighed as he stood up from the couch.

"What's going on with you? One minute you want me and the next you don't. I don't understand." I stated boldly.

"It's complicated, okay? I just- I should go." He sighed as he grabbed his jacket. "I'll call you tomorrow."

And with that, he hustled out the door.

I just sat there with my mouth agape. I glanced down and out if the corner of my eye I saw my wedding photo. It was eye level to John's previous position on top of me. I flipped the photo down and stood up. I walked to my room and got into my stuff. I picked out a few pills and popped them before taking a swig of water. I walked into my kitchen and got into the freezer where I kept my vodka. I poured some into a glass with ice cubes and I sat on the couch. I felt relaxation wash over my whole body and I was no longer worried about John or Andrew or myself. I was in a new world where I didn't have to think about my life at all for a little while. Isn't that why everyone does it?

After about half the glass of vodka was gone I started to get drowsy. I set my glass on the end table and laid down on the couch. I don't remember much about going to conscious to unconscious at the point.

John

Why do I always do that? I can never close with her. I had her right there and I still couldn't do it. Maybe it's because deep down I know she's not ready. Every time I talk to her I can just see how much she hates herself. It's hard not to but she has to love herself before I can love her.

I remember when Andrew introduced us for the first time. He wasn't the type for serious girlfriends but she was his world. I'd never seen him happier than he was with her. In fact, I don't think I've ever seen a happier couple.

When I first saw Amelia it was in one of Andrew's Instagram pictures. I thought "damn, nice job" for him to get a girl like that. The first time I saw them together was when Lex and Lorne got married. She came to the wedding in a blue strapless dress and she took my breath away. I was pissed that he met her first. Everybody's attention was on Lex that night except for mine. I couldn't take my eyes off of Amelia.

Then at the reception she was hysterical. She and I shared the same goofy sense of humor. She had everybody cracking up. She was perfect.

Despite my feelings for her, I was always rooting for her and Andrew. They were perfect for each other and it was no surprise when he proposed. I was genuinely happy for them but I wanted so bad to be him.

I went to the wedding and that's when I think I really fell in love with her. She walked down the aisle and she looked so beautiful and happy. I remember wishing that someday I'd make her that happy. I don't think that's going to happen.

When I heard the news about Andrew my heart fell. He had been one of my best friends from touring and I couldn't imagine a world without him. But then I thought about Amelia and the heartbreak she would be going through and his death hit me even harder because I knew that nobody could make it okay for her and I've always resented that I didn't try harder.

Now I finally kiss her and then run away afterward. If I hadn't fled things would have gone a lot further though. Sex complicates everything and I wasn't ready for that.

When I got back to my apartment I went straight to the bathroom. As I was washing my hands I saw it again. The little bag that someone left from the party. It had a white residue in it and I knew exactly what it was and whose it was.

She was starting to scare me. Drugs, acting crazy, no Andrew. She lied when I confronted her. The drugs almost made her lose her job. If she's so open about doing cocaine at my house, who knows what else she's on.

As I thought about it more I started to get really scared. I fell in love with Amelia but she's a different person now.