Oh Amelia

I was fired from the Arizona Diamondbacks. I literally made it to the big leagues and blew it. I tried to get my job with ESPN back but they had nothing for me. I cried for days. I felt so alone even when I got high or drunk. I wore Andrew's clothes around the house for a week feeling sorry for myself then one day I was on the right mix of things and got a job. I put my college bartending skills to use and got a job at a nice restaurant waitressing and bartending. It was like being back in college again. No 9-5, no business casual, no meetings, it was easy and easy money.

Not to mention the people. Most of them were college kids and they had access to everything. I had the most amazing coke I've ever tried, oxy, perks, weed, dabs, xanax, adderall. I was getting high and passing out every night then starting all over again in the morning. The days all blended and I can't tell you the last time I was sober.

I also can't tell you the last time I talked to John. I was constantly dodging his calls and texts. I knew I had feelings for him but I couldn't bear to let him see me this way. I also knew he wasn't stupid. He could tell I was on something and I didn't want him digging any further and judging me. He didn't know what I'd been through. Nobody had the right to judge me for using. And they sure as hell weren't going to make me stop.

I woke up around 2pm feeling terribly sober. I reached for my bowl and took a few hits to relax. Then I crushed up a couple adderall and snorted them off my laptop. Once I felt up enough I hopped in the shower and got ready for what was left of the day.

I decided to go shopping and re-arrange my living room furniture. By the time I had done all that I got a text from a friend I worked with asking me to go out with her. I accepted the offer and put on a cute floral dress with some wedges. I packed my purse which meant a packed vaporizer and a midol bottle filled with pills and baggies. I would decide which drugs to take depending on how my night was going.

I finally met up with her at a bar in downtown Tempe and we ordered margaritas as we talked. As I was about to order another, one was already placed in front of me.

"For you, señorita." A man spoke from next to me.

I glanced over at him, very impressed with what I saw. He was obviously Latino and he was covered in tattoos, similar to the way Andrew was. He had a dazzling white smile and just a hint of a Spanish accent.

"Thanks." I smiled at him. "I'm Amelia and this is my friend Jill."

Jill smiled and waved at him, seeming a little tense.

"You don't remember me?" He asked, pretending to be hurt.

"Should I?" I asked, cocking my head and thinking back to where I knew him from.

"Oscar De Leon" he stated. I have him a blank stare in return trying to remember him. "I met you at the Tailgate bar last Saturday. We were watching the Barcelona match? You went to the bathroom and never came back?"

"Ohh, okay." I pretended that his story jogged my memory when it really didn't. I knew I was at the bar last Saturday but I don't remember much else.

"So how have you been Amelia?" He asked, leaning down close to me.

I was about to answer when I heard Jill speak up.

"I should actually go, Amelia. I have class tomorrow." She told me as she began to gather her things.

"Oh no, Jill I'm sorry. You should stay! I won't ditch you." I promised as I turned away from Oscar and towards her.

"No, no it's really okay. I just wanted to grab a quick drink and it's almost 1 anyway so I should get to bed. I'll see you at work tomorrow night." And with that she paid her tab, gave me a hug, and left. Not without looking my new friend up and down a few times. I could tell he made her a little uncomfortable with how rough he seemed but he was nice enough to me.

"You are stunning, mi amor." He whispered in my ear and he placed a hand on my knee. Sober Amelia would have pushed his hand away and left after Jill, but fucked up Amelia was thinking maybe this guy would get her high for free.

"What do you do?" I asked him. Hopefully we hadn't talked about this last week.

"The fewer questions you ask, the better sweetheart." He answered as he finished the last of his beer. "I shouldn't even be talking to you."

"And why is that?" I asked, curious for his answer. I didn't see any reason we shouldn't talk.

"You're too innocent for me." He stated before ordering another beer.

"What makes you think that?" I asked, falling for his trap.

"Look at you, so young and beautiful. You don't need someone like me ruining you." He told me as his hand moved a little further up my leg.

"I'm not as innocent as you might think." I told him as I almost fell off my barstool.

"Does that mean you'll come home with me?" He grinned as he flagged down the bartender to pay our tabs.

It was already nearing 2am and I figured why not, so I nodded and collected my things. We walked out of the bar hand in hand and instead of calling a taxi he pulled my stumbling body along the sidewalk.

"I've never been to this part of town before." I stated with a Buddy The Elf like naivety in my voice.

Oscar just laughed as he held me close by him. As my hip bumped him I could feel something in his jeans. Once I realized what it was I sobered up quite a bit. He must have noticed because he rubbed my arms up and down.

"Baby, I'm not going to use this on you. It's just for protection, you know? I carry it everywhere." He told me but I was still tense. "I'm not going to hurt you, Amelia. You're too pretty for that."

I looked up into his eyes and he actually looked sincere. I stopped worrying and smiled, leaning into him once again.

We arrived at a small house with a fenced in front yard where a big dog wouldn't stop barking. We walked up the driveway and inside. His home was fairly average looking. Hardwood floors, a small couch, a couple pictures on the wall.

"Have a seat, baby. I'll be right back with something." He smiled as he patted the couch. I took a seat and watched him dart upstairs. I checked my phone while I waited. I had no new messages or calls which wasn't surprising. I was starting to sober up a bit so I popped a Xanax bar to relieve my stress when he finally came downstairs with a fat cigar-looking item and a lighter. He sat down next to me and started to mess with what I assumed to be a blunt.

"Let's see how bad you really are, baby." He chuckled as he started to heat the tube. He was lighting it from underneath, which I'd never seen before. I figured that was just the way he did it. "You can go first."

I leaned down ready to inhale when I realized what it actually was.

"Is that heroin?" I asked, already knowing the answer.

"So you're not so cool, then?" He asked, letting the flame extinguish.

"It's not that," I sighed, playing it cool, "I'm getting tested in a few days. It won't be out of my system by then." I lied.

"Ah dammit, that sucks. I guess I'll just have to light up by myself then." He chuckled as he got high. It was all I could do to not shake with fear. How could I be so stupid to put myself in a situation like this?

He started to kiss me hard and I kissed back, not wanting to resist him at all. I pulled away and put the foil piece back in his mouth. "Just because I can't get fucked up doesn't mean you shouldn't."

He smiled and continued to smoke. I kept urging him until he was high beyond being functional. I sat there with him for awhile to keep the act going.

"I'll be right back, I think I'm going to be sick." I told him as I looked for a bathroom. I found one in the kitchen and locked the door behind me. It was almost 4am at this point but I knew someone would still answer.


3:49
Please come get me. I'm scared.

3:49
On my way

I flushed the toilet and when I got back to the living room Oscar was passed out on the couch. I deleted my number from his phone and covered him up with a blanket. I gathered my things and quietly slipped out the door, locking it behind me for his safety.

As I stood waiting at the end of his driveway I shook with fear. I sat next to the fence trying to make myself as small as possible to avoid being seen by anyone. I cursed myself for not waiting inside in a neighborhood like this.

I wanted to cry but I couldn't. I was numb. I couldn't feel anything. I blamed it on the Xanax but it could have been my sheer disappointment in myself that made me feel that way too.

I was startled by the sound of a vehicle approaching until I saw that it belonged to John. I stood from my spot with my arms wrapped around myself trying to keep warm. I ran to his car and he unlocked the door for me. I got in and he immediately started driving without saying a word. He wouldn't even look at me.

"Did I wake you?" I asked quietly.

He just nodded.

"Sorry." I apologized.

He shrugged.

"Just say it." I blurted out.

"I don't have anything to say anymore, Amelia." He sighed.

I don't know why but that did it. I buried my head in my hands and started bawling while repeating, "I'm sorry."

John still stayed silent and drove back to his home. He parked in the driveway, took his keys out of the ignition, and sighed as I kept crying.

"Amelia just stop." He mumbled in a low voice.

"I'm really sorry, John. I keep fucking with you. God, I hate myself." I hiccuped as I wiped my eyes.

"Amelia." He sighed, softening his tone.

"I'm going to walk home. I'm sorry I woke you up." I whimpered as I opened the door and stepped out of the car.

"You're not going anywhere." He warned as he got out of the car and slammed the door. "You're staying here tonight."

I didn't argue. I followed him inside, taking deep breaths in an attempt to stop crying. I sat down at his counter and he handed me a bottle of water. I opened it and started chugging. I was so thirsty.

"What were you doing in that neighborhood?" He questioned sternly. I knew I couldn't get away with some bullshit answer.

"I went home with a guy from a bar." I told him truthfully.

"Jesus, Amelia. Are you okay?" He asked from the other side of the counter. He already knew the answer.

"Yes and no." I whispered.

"Did he hurt you?" John asked with a worried look on his face. I peered into his eyes and shook my head no.

"What happened?" He asked.

I looked away and moved to the couch. He followed and knelt down in front of me.

"Your hair is so long." I whispered as I tucked some behind his ear. He closed his eyes when I touched him like it was his high.

"What happened?" He repeated as he opened them.

"He-" I started, trying to think of some lie. "He tried to get me to do heroin."

"Holy fuck, Amelia!" He cried as he shot up from his spot in front of me, no pun intended.

"Are you okay?" He asked frantically as he grabbed my arms to look for track marks, assuming that I was shooting up.

"I didn't do it, John." I snapped as I pulled my arms away from him. "...but I wanted to." I admitted for the first time to him and myself. He froze and slowly sat next to me, running his hands through his hair.

"You need help, Amelia."

"I know."

We sat side by side like that for what felt like hours. I turned to look at him and he looked at me. When our eyes finally locked I saw so much pain in his. My heart broke all over again knowing I caused it. He took me in his arms and I vowed that this was the last time I would let him down.