When I Look at the Stars, I Feel Like Myself

We were on stage, and my song was next. Dalton shoots me a worried look. He knew what today was, everyone knew that. I was going to be fine, and I shot him a look that said so, grabbing my guitar and sitting on the stool.

It was Erin's guitar, it only seemed fitting.

“Uggh, anything but this song tonight...” I groan into the microphone, “How about something different? Like, a... Yellowcard?” I played the first few chords of “Only One” on my acoustic guitar sitting comfortably on my knees.

A few cheers came from the crowd at the idea, but, since we were only an opening band, no one really cared all that much. They wanted to see The Maine and All Time Low, after all, that's what they paid for.

I suggest a few more songs, and get little reaction from the crowd.

“So, you don't want to hear a different song...” I blew some hair out of my face.

I looked behind me to see the worried faces of my band mates. Riley mouths something to me, I think it's something like, “Get on with it,” but I can't be too sure. My vision is still fuzzy.

“Oh, hey Alex, John,” I say casually into the mic. I get a lot of screams from that.

“Now that I have your attention, I'm going to tell you a story.” a few groans can be heard from the crowd, a few male laughs, probably at the ridiculousness of the girls.

“The song I may play after this is about someone I once knew,” I said, giving the usual intro to the song, “A girl. She was my best friend. How many of you are here with your best friend tonight?”

I get multiple cheers from the crowd, urging me to go on. I can do this. I can make it through this stupid song, I can make it through today.

Or not.

“Well, you better hold on tight to that best friend because she, or he, won't be there forever. You don't want to make a huge mistake and lose them forever,” I pause to gather my wits.

“My best friend was my sister. We did everything sisters do, we laughed at stupid things, cried because of stupid things, and got into fights over stupid things. But we almost always made up. Almost,”

I strum on my guitar a few times to choke down tears. I look into the crowd, and see faces staring intently at me, and a few not even looking, “Hey, you guys all on your phones tweeting about how lame I am, shut up and pay attention because this is where it gets good,” I joke into the mic.

A few laugh, a few don't, but it's given me enough time to get my act together and not cry through this story, “There was one fight that got her thinking way too much. I yelled and yelled at her and she just sat there and took it. My mom was the kind of person that says, 'if you screw up, everyone gets a punishment,' she was a school teacher, so you can't blame her,” I pause to take a breath, “Well, my sister screwed up, and I wasn't able to go to a gig we had that night, I yelled at her, but snuck out anyway.” I look down at the stage, “I shouldn't have yelled.

“We got picked up at that gig, and my sister convinced my mom to let me go on tour,” I pause to recollect, “we got a record deal, and tour dates for the next month. It was the greatest moment in my life.

“About a week into our tour, she committed suicide.” I pause for a very long moment, “Does anyone know what day it is?” the crowd is dead silent, of course they know it's September 10th, they've probably been waiting for this day for at least a week. Since they bought their tickets, “It's national Suicide Awareness Day. It's also the first anniversary of my sister's death and her birthday.” a few tears escape my lids. I don't know if she planned that on the Suicide day, but I know she planned for her birthday.

“In the note she left she wrote, 'Elina got me thinking, I screw everything up. I screwed up our relationship by getting a bad report card. I got 6 f's in the first place,' she wrote that because of me. She hated me in that moment, I just knew it. She didn't use “Li-Li” or “Lina”. Just “Elina”. I screamed at her in that fight to stop calling me stupid baby nicknames. Looking back, I realize she was a lot happier after that fight, but she always called me “Elina”.

“When a person decides they are going to commit suicide, when everything is all planned out, they are more like what they used to be. They act more like themselves, but the truth is they're not getting better. When their mind is made up, they say their goodbyes to everyone in their own way, and they feel better knowing it's going to be over soon.

“While normally this only happens for a few days before they do it, my sister waited for a month. She was waiting until I went on tour so I wouldn't have to see the body. But I did see it, at the funeral. Well, before. It was closed casket, but I didn't get to see her one last time before that. I was the last one to see her before it was shut for good.

“Obviously, our touring was canceled, our record was on hold, and our band almost broke up because of it. Because of me. All because I yelled at my best friend. So, please, if you're here with your best friend, or better yet, your sister or brother, let her, or him, know how much you love them. Don't take them for granted, and please, please, always say you're sorry.”

I play the intro to the song I wrote after the incident. My mouth freezes up as memories of her take over.

“You're the light of my life, you know that Li-Li?” she asked me, eyes shining bright.

“Li-Li, it'll be okay, dad will be fine,”

“I'm sorry, Elina, but... daddy's not coming back,” my mom speaks to me this time.

“He's in heaven now, singing with the angels,” Erin tells me, with a forced giggle, “Mary Ann from church said so,” I get confused because Dad doesn't sing well at all, so why would the angels want him in their chorus? I almost question my sister, but think better of it. Even as a seven year old, I knew what was appropriate for what time.

“Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you,” she wasn't just my sister, “Happy birthday dear Erin and Elina, Happy birthday to you,” she was my twin.

I don't know how long I've been just sitting here, mouth open, ready to sing the words, fingers poised to strum the next chord, all I know is that I can't do this.

I set the guitar down, and walk off the stage.

Riley rushes after me, and the rest of the band, too. Only Dalton pauses to address the crowd, “Sorry, lovelies, but this will be the end of our set.” then he turns and follows the rest of You First.

The crowd sits down and talks as they wait for The Maine's set to start. Some of them are watching the stage, having nothing to say to anyone. A few are crying, they've probably lost someone, too. Didn't get a chance to say goodbye.

X

Everything is quite normal, so far, as concerts go. The Maine is almost finished with their set, and All Time Low has left the dressing room to get ready.

They were in to comfort Elina. But she wouldn't stop sobbing enough to get two words in, so most everyone gave up. Except Alex, who knew enough to just let her cry.

Zack walks back in, to get Alex. The rest of Elina's band went in search of food, so after Alex left, she was cold because he removed himself from the hug. He had reduced her sobs to sniffles by rubbing her back. Though, she couldn't help but notice how his arms weren't as strong as Zack's. They weren't as comforting. She was almost asleep when Zack beckoned him.

“Hey,” a quiet voice said, causing Elina to look up. Zack puts his hand on her shoulder, comforting her.

She pulls him into a hug, wanting to feel his warmth and comfort again. She wanted to thaw the thumping ice block in her chest. She can almost achieve that with Zack hugging her.

He sits down on the couch beside her, and returns the hug. She buries her face in his chest. He rubs her back and plays with her hair, waiting for the right moment to speak.

He always knew when that was in these situations.

“I'm not going to say it's okay,” he whispers in her ear, “Because it's not,”

He always knows when she needs to process information, too.

“But it is going to be okay,” he says. It's corny, but it lifts her mood. She pulls away and smiles at him.

“Thanks, Zack,” she says, voice hoarse from hysterics.

She just finishes kissing his cheek when Rian opens the door.

“Hey, man, we really gotta get out there,” he says to Zack.

“Okay,” Zack lets go of me, and offers his hand to me, “Watch our set?” he asks.

I smile, “Of course,”

X

On the surface, I am happy and dancing along with the members of The Maine and You First. Everyone thinks I've forgotten about the past for this moment, that I can truly be happy for myself and I can get over this with time.

On the inside, I want to scream. Scream until my lungs give out, until my voice can't be used anymore. Until my throat bleeds.

But no one will see this side of me. I've done good to hide it, and I'm not going to break down The Walls. Not for anyone.

A picture of Zack flashes through my mind, and I almost feel guilty for shutting him out. But then I realize that it's just the crush I've always had on him, even before Erin died. And my mind is distorting every look, every word, every touch to mean so much more than he intended.

That's how it's always been. I'm not pretty enough, I've never had a steady boyfriend in my life. I used to think it was just because I was really quite in class, so everyone was intimidated by me. I met everyone I know through Dalton or Erin.

But I don't talk to the people I met through Erin very much anymore. More as, they don't talk to me. I look too much like her and it causes them pain.

In my freshman year of high school, a rumor was spread about me that I slept with the gym coach from eighth grade.

That wasn't me, it was Erin.

But I took everything, because I can let things people say bounce off of me. Erin couldn't and that was her downfall. At least, I used to be able to do that.

Now, everything even semi-insulting anyone says, I take it the wrong way. I take it in the not joking manner. But I just smile and pretend like I'm laughing, too.

“Do you mind if we slow it down for a bit?” Alex asks on stage.

Three sweating members of All Time Low are just behind the curtain, waiting for the acoustic song to be over.

“This song is called Remembering Sunday,” Alex states, receiving loud, earsplitting screams from the crowd. And he loves it, I can tell by the smile on his face.

This was Erin's favorite song.

Alex plays the chords, and starts the first verse. This time, instead of feeling sorry for myself and being in pain over the loss, I remember Erin sitting at her desk for days in the summer, trying to learn this song on acoustic guitar.

In spite of the thoughts nagging in the back of my mind, I smile because I'm happy. I'm happy knowing that wherever she is, she's smiling because of this song.

And she's smiling because she's proud that I can pull myself together for this tour, which gives her a reason to be insanely jealous of me.

But I'm not sure if she can see the inside of me. Behind The Walls. If she could, she wouldn't be proud of that.

I walk out just before my cue, and sing the girl vocals, thinking about Erin the whole time, “I'm not coming back, I've done something so terrible, I'm terrified to speak, but you'd expect that from me. I'm mixed up, I'll be blunt, now the rain is just washing you out of my hair,” I sing quiet at first, then louder as it goes on.

“And out of my mind, keeping an eye on the world, from so many thousands of feet of the ground,” I'm not too sure about this, but I guess it's a possibility, “I'm over you know, I'm at home in the clouds, towering over your head,”

Please don't be over me. I don't want you to forget me, as selfish as it may sound. I don't want you to forget why you died. Why you took your own life.

“Thank you,” Alex says, and the rest of the band piles on stage once more, and they all give me a hug.

As Zack hugs me, he whispers right in my ear, “Be strong right now,”

I have no clue what he means by 'right now', but I know it can't be good. It either means that he can see what I really feel like and wants me to know that I need to be strong enough to fix all the broken parts of my body.

Or he means something entirely different.

“Now, we don't have this song on our normal set list, so you guys get an extra treat,” Alex says into the mic.

“No!” Jack screams, “This just means they get 'Dear Maria' cut off the end!” various forms of 'boo' can be heard.

“I thought and thought about adding this song for just today for a long time. I've always wanted to do it every time we've had a date on September 10th,”

Oh, fuck.

“But with what happened with Lina earlier, I figured this would be the perfect time to do it.”

I can't do this.

“This is a song about suicide, too. My brother's, in case you didn't know,” Alex always does something nice for me, then screws it up unintentionally, “It's called Lullabies.”

“Make it a sweet, sweet goodbye...” he sings. Tears well up in my eyes, threatening to spill. I'm going to sit here and listen because I need to stop being such a baby.

And I need to stop crying, dammit.

I vowed never to listen to this song again, it's sounds so angry at his brother for the choice he made. I don't like being angry at her.

Not anymore.

Dalton sits beside me, and pulls me into a side hug, just as the chorus starts.

He cries with me, and now I don't feel so bad.

X

We go to a diner after all the fans leave, and everyone is saying what position they are in their family. I tune out because I always shared the oldest child with Erin, since we were twins.

Well, technically she was older but...

That doesn't count.

The table was really crowded, and I was brushing shoulders with Dalton and Zack.

I had to keep Dalton separated from Zack. His favorite is Jack, though. Don't ask me, because I don't know. I don't want to know, really, why Dalton has the hots for Jack. He told me once, but I prefer to repress unpleasant memories like that.

It's not that I'm a homophobe, I wouldn't be in this band if I was. I don't like hearing what anyone would like to do with anyone in a bed with the lights off. Gay or straight.

“It's kind of disgusting,” I say out loud, without realizing.

Jack looks confused, “You think rainbows and butterflies and unicorns and bumble bees are disgusting?”

“Uh... no.” I reply, “I was just thinking out loud.”

“About rainbows and butterflies and unicorns and bumble bees?” He asked, still confused.

“No, I wasn't paying attention to you,” I didn't mean to make the statement hurtful.

“You little bitch!” he yelled at me.

Ouch.

“Yeah, seriously? Who doesn't pay attention to Jack?” Alex defends.

“Everyone does,” Dalton agrees with a smirk on his face.

It's like they're ganging up on me, degrading me because of a misplaced emphasis.

But I play along, “I definitely do not pay attention to people called Jack,”

The Maine walk in and John makes a comment about being in bed with someone, probably Riley, and it turns into a borderline screaming match between the two. To diffuse the tension, I scramble for some funny memory I could share with Riley.

“Hey, y'know what I just thought of?” I say, “The first time I ever had two-tone hair...”

Riley laughs, and starts discussing with me. The table gets noisy as several groups are immersed in their own conversations.

A waitress comes up and says, “Is everyone in your group here now?”

“Yeah,” we all answer.

“Can I get you drinks?”

I order a Sprite because they don't have Dr. Pepper. Those freaking titty-munching douche bags. Who doesn't have Dr. Pepper at their restaurant?

Apparently, these guys.

I remove myself from the conversations around me. I don't feel like talking much anymore. It's been a long day. Way too long.

Zack nudges me with his shoulder, probably on accident. Everyone is so close together, even more so with the whole group. At least it smells nice.

I inhale a deep breath, smelling Dalton, me, and Zack. Zack's is the strongest, since he just stepped out of the shower before coming here to eat. It smells like Dalton and Zack's AXE, both blending together.

Needless to say, it smells very nice.

“You alright?” Zack asks me. So his nudge was intentional. This doesn't get my hopes up.

At least, I wish it wouldn't, “Yeah, it's just been a really long day,” I half-lie. I'm not okay, but I really am sick and tired of today.

Riley suddenly squeals, “Elina! I just remembered about your presents!” she exclaims.

I sigh, “I told you I didn't want anything this year,”

“I know, but I got you something anyway!”

She runs across the street to the bus to get it out.

Dalton gets something out too. “Pour vous,” he smirks at his knowledge of the French Language.

“Fous le camp,” I say back to him.

The members of All Time Low do the whole, “Ohhhhh...” thing and Jack even cares to add, “Oh, no she di'n't!”

“Of course, that's the thing you remember from French class,” I roll my eyes.

“Well, maybe they shouldn't have had in the dictionary in the first place,” Rian retaliates.

“True, true,” I say, “Je ne sais pas... Peut-être que vous pourrize dire, 'Je t'aime, bébé. Tu es mon étoile brilliante'?” I receive blank stares from everyone. I decide I'm not going to translate, either.

Riley runs back in, with four presents, “I got everyone else's too!” she yells.

I open the cards first, I'll get to the presents later. Most of them are funny, and have messages like, “Happy seventeenth!” Riley's card is home-made.

The waitress comes back with our drinks and takes our food. I order the first thing I see with chicken in it.

“Open the presents now!” Dalton demands.

“Pleeeaaassseee?” RJ pouts.

From RJ I get a Pillow Pet, the bumble bee, from Riley I get a really cute dress and necklace that will match perfectly with my heels at home, from Dalton I get a pair of mood earrings (I'm obsessed) and a belly button and nose ring, from Calvin I get a CD from Before You Exit (my mini-crush), and from Holland I get a jacket that I've really wanted for a while. It is a guy's jacket, so the smallest size is way too big on me, but I don't care. It's so freaking cool! It's black and green striped with small, bright blue and yellow lightning bolts decorating it. And from Ross I get some new guitar straps, that will also go on my key-tar.

I hug everyone and give them a kiss on the cheek. When I sit back down, the food is here and everyone else is questioning me.

“Wait, it's your birthday today?” John Ohh asks me.

“Yeah...” I reply tentatively.

“So that means...” Rian puts two and two together slowly in his head.

“You and your sister were twins,” Zack finishes. He probably knew all along.

I look down at the table, not wanting to meet anyone's eyes. “Yeah...” I wonder if they understood how strong the connection is. I wonder if they have a clue what it's like to have that your whole life, and suddenly waking up in the middle of the night bawling because you feel so empty inside.

And you don't know why until you get the call. Then you understand and cry harder, if it's possible. It's like something inside you just snaps, you don't know why or how, and you sure as hell don't know how to repair it.

“I'm sorry...” Someone says, I'm not sure who. My ears are ringing from trying to hold back tears.