When I Look at the Stars, I Feel Like Myself

I was scared. Scared for Elina, scared for Holland, Calvin, RJ, Dalton, even Ross. I was afraid for all of them. I don't even know why. I was just in one of those moods. Mainly, I was scared for myself. My breast was so sore today, I almost didn't want to play because the strap to my bass came right over it, but I pushed through it and finished the set like a champ.

“Hey, Riley, you okay?” The fact that he always asked me this question should have bothered me, but it didn't. I don't even know why it didn't.

“I don't feel well.” I mumbled to John, curling up on the couch.

“Awww!” He cooed, rushing over to sit next to me. “What hurts, darling?”

I couldn't tell him my boob. One, it's slightly embarrassing saying it to a guy, and two...well.... “Everything.” I moaned, putting my hands over my face.

“On a scale of one to ten, how bad?” He asked, in complete seriousness.

“About a six, Doctor Ohh.” I replied.

“Do you want me to kiss it all better?”

I was glad my face was being covered so he didn't see the blush that immediately rose to my cheeks. “No.” I laughed, despite my heated cheeks.

“Are you running a fever?” He asked.

“No, I don't think so.”

“Call me doctor again, I liked it.” He teased.

“Shut up, John.” I laughed. “Can you go find Cal, he's like my mother when I feel sick.”

“Yeah, sure.” John then left, leaving me alone. He came back about five minutes later, no Calvin in tow. “He was super busy.”

“Doing what?”

“He didn't say, but he did look busy.” John shrugged, “So he told me to take care of you.”

“Oh, yay. I get a certified doctor to take care of me.” I said, rolling my eyes.

“Do you want me to take you to your bus?”

“Only if it's in the form of a piggy back ride.” I answered, nodding. He chuckled at me, and I climbed on his back. “You're comfortable.” I snuggled in between his shoulder blades.

“Calvin warned me you're clingy when you're sick.” John laughed, the sound echoed through his back and rumbled in my ear. “It's adorable.”

“Well, that means you know I won't want you to leave, right?” I said, voice small and serious.

“Yeah, and I won't.” I really wish he meant forever.

What? Where did that thought come from? I didn't really want that...did I? I already told myself that I wouldn't let him fall in love with me, but I think I'm failing.

As soon as I was cuddled in my bunk, blankets up to my chin, John smiled down at me, “Anything else you need?”

“No.” I shook my head. And, slowly, he climbed in next to me. “Do you need blankets?” I asked him. He took me in his arms and shook his head.

“I'm just going to lay here and hold you until you're better, okay?”

“Okay,” I whispered, “That might take a while.”

“I've got all the time in the world.” He said back just as softly. He breaks my heart in the little things he says sometimes.

“I'm—I'm really, really afraid.” I whimpered.

“Of what?” He asked, giving me a small squeeze.

“Of...” I didn't know how to finish without giving anything away. “Of...” Tears filled my eyes. I don't know if it was the fact that I was sick or what that had me all emotional, but I was starting to cry again. “I'm afraid of not knowing.”

“Knowing what?”

“What could have been there for me.” I answered, burying my face in his chest.

“That's why...sometimes, Riley, you have to break from your routine and just go crazy. Make the most of each second you've been giving because one day, it'll all be taken away from you.”

There he goes, with the heart breaking again.

“John...” I started, not sure of how to continue. “Thank you for being here with me.”

“Do you want to talk some more, Ri? I'm a good listener.”

“No.” I shook my head, “I want to go to sleep.”

And maybe, never wake up.

“Alright, sleep tight, hun.” He said as I closed my eyes and tried going to sleep. I couldn't for a while, his proximity was distracting me. But once he started running his fingers through my hair, I was out.

-Calvin-

Once I was finished helping load the trailer with Ross and RJ, I went back to the bus to check on Riley. I didn't expect to find John there in the bunk with her. I felt a tiny stab of jealousy. That was my job.

I don't know if she remembered, but she told me once why she doesn't like people touching her. Considering her state at the time, I would say that she didn't recall a thing about that conversation.

“Cal, can you stay with me at least until I fall asleep?” She asked me in a tiny, helpless voice. It was around two weeks after she joined 'You First' and she was staying over at my house while her parents were out of town. I guess she didn't want to be a part of her brothers' rowdy parties.

“Yeah, Ri.” I nodded, even at that time I liked her. “But I thought you didn't like people to touch you?” I began, though sliding in the bed next to her. I felt her forehead as her eyes drooped, she was burning up.

“I don't...do you want to know why?”

“If you want to tell me...” I began, unsure of what the story could be and fearing the worst.

“When I was thirteen, I started getting really sick, so I was taken to the doctor, a couple days later, they diagnosed me with breast cancer.” My heart stopped abruptly, I couldn't believe it. Breast cancer? Wasn't that only for older women? “And, after the surgeries that I had to go through to remove the tumors...”

Tumors? As in...plural? This just kept getting worse.

“I didn't want to be touched. At first it started with just my chest, but then I just despised human contact.” Her voice was fading and I had to strain to hear her. “But...your arms are comforting...even just a little.”

Despite what I had just heard, my heart skipped a beat. I made her comfortable? I felt giddy almost. “I'll be here whenever you need me to hold you.” I whispered to her, and then she was asleep.

Every day since then, I have felt myself keep a close watch on her, even if I was doing so unconsciously, because I didn't want to miss an opportunity to fulfill my promise. But, already, I was missing out because of John.

I had been busy...I don't know why I didn't come to her when she needed me.

Though, they looked comfortable enough. Riley almost looked....peaceful.

Lately, I've noticed her looking in the mirror, not with her usual confidence, but with a certain loathing in her eyes. Like she hated what she saw there...I'm worried about her, but I know she won't open up to me.

Maybe she'll open up to John. She's been giving him the kind of attention I craved from her. I just hope that she's not getting sick again. I had looked up a lot about breast cancer since then, and it could come back, like all cancers.

There didn't seem to be any visible signs to it that I could look for, there were just ones that only the person with breast cancer could identify.

The only way I would know is if I felt her up.

My cheeks went red just as the thought, closing her curtain, I went back into the lounge area to play some poker with the rest of the band.

-Riley-

When I woke up, I had my arm around someone's waist, my head resting on their chest. I looked up, expecting to see Calvin, the one I usually used as a pillow when I was sick, but instead met eyes with John.

“Morning, Starshine.” I almost jumped back and screamed, but I refrained. “You okay?” John asked, feeling my forehead for any remains of a fever.

“Just peachy.” I told him somewhat sarcastically, pulling away to rub my face.

“Do you still feel like poo?” He asked, causing a smile to break out on my face.

“Poo?”

“Yes, poo.” He nodded, proud of himself.

“Yes, John, I still feel like poo.” I chuckled softly, turning away from him and cuddling with my pillow.

“Aw, no love? Seriously?” John whined.

“I suspect you want to go do other things.” I answered, trying to go back to sleep.

“Nope, I said I would hold you until you get better, so that's what I'm going to do.” He declared, wrapping his arms around my waist. He is so sweet.

“Suit yourself, but I won't be much fun, I'm tired.” I told him, yawning.

….......

“GET OUT OF BED!” I woke again to the sound of screaming, an arm was tight around my waist. “SOUNDCHECK IN FIVE MINUTES!”

Ross.

He wouldn't let me miss another one. I groaned, feeling my head start to pound. “John?” I tried waking him up, “John?” Shaking him, he slowly began to wake up.

“Hmmmm?” He moaned, rolling over.

“Get out, I have to go do soundcheck.”

“No, I'm warm.” He refused.

“Please?” I asked, pouting though I knew he couldn't see it. “Ross will beat me black and blue if I miss another one.”

Reluctantly, John got up and let me out. In the same clothes I had changed into after the set last night, I went to do soundcheck.

“Are you feeling better?” Calvin asked me, feeling my forehead.

“Just a little, I can manage the rest of the day.” I nodded.

…..............

“Get off, you're crushing me!” I heard Elina shout from behind the dressing room doors, cocking an eyebrow, I opened the door slowly. Dalton was sitting on Lina's back, sipping a Jones soda.

“What's going on here?” I asked, smiling at their crazy antics.

“She's being punished.”

“For what?”

“She knows what she did.” He glared down at Elina, who was now pounding on the floor with her fist.

“It was only a sip!”

Oh, she took a drink of his Jones soda. Even all the other bands and crew knew not to do that, and they hadn't even known him that long. “She deserves it.” I sided with Dalton on this one and continued into the room, snagging a water from the fridge before sitting down on the couch, feet tucked under me.

“Are you feeling better, Princess?” Dalton asked nonchalantly from his perch on Elina.

“Can we not make conversation while I'm suffocating down here?” Elina struggled to breathe. Dalton sighed and got off of her, mumbling something along the lines of 'drama queen' before sitting next to me.

“Yeah, not one hundred percent, but I'll get there.”

“I saw you and John last night, may I say...so adorable?” He gushed. Sometimes, like this, it was nice to have a gay man in your group. He was girly, if not more girly, than we were at times and it always made my day.

I stayed silent, blushing slightly, “Oh, don't go all silent on me, girly, what's the deets?”

Deets? What the crap is that? I didn't have to say it for Dalton to get I had no idea what he was talking about. “Details? Come on, Riley, get with the times!”

“Oh.” I replied, glancing quickly at Elina. I wanted to talk to her, but I couldn't with Dalton there. I indulged his request though, otherwise he wouldn't leave me alone, “I don't know...I was just sick and Calvin was busy so he...took me back to my bunk and we--”

“Made out heavily.” Dalton finished for me, “I knew it was coming! Totally called it.”

“No!” I yelped, blush growing a deeper red. “We just...talked....and I went to sleep.”

“What did you talk about? Jumping each others bones?”

“No!” Now he was just being ridiculous. “I don't really remember, I was too out of it.”

“So, it could have been about doing it?”

“Absolutely not.” I pushed him off the couch, “Get out of here, I need to talk to Elina.” I pointed to the door.

“Can I hear?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“It's about my period and I just needed to ask--” I didn't even get the rest of the sentence out before Dalton rushed to the door.

“Don't need to know these things, I'm leaving.” He waved, shutting the door. I scooted closer to Elina, she was expectant.

“You don't really want to talk about your period, do you?” She asked, giving me a grossed out face.

I laughed, “No, silly.” I shook my head, then looked at her silently.

“What did you need then?”

“Are you...doing okay?” I asked, not sure where I was going with this.

“Yeah, why wouldn't I be?” She told me, looking a little confused.

I sighed, she wouldn't tell me so easily, “I know how hard it must be, to think you have to deal with all your problems by yourself, and to not know what to do...or tell anyone about your feelings...but...I'm here for you, Lina. I maybe not be able to empathize completely, but I do know how much pain you must be feeling...”

“What do you know about it, Riley?” She spit out, angry. “Your life is so perfect. You have parents who are together, they don't fight, they don't cheat, your brothers protect you and they love you so much. What could you possibly know about pain? About how much it hurts?” Her voice was wavering and she took my silence as a go-ahead to yell some more. “Your life is all rainbows and butterflies, I bet you've never had a bad day in your life.” She finished, storming out of the room.

I stared at my hands. I didn't blame her and I wasn't even angry. Sometimes, when you're in too much pain, you get mad. And you start to take that anger out on your closest friends. I put my face in my hands, feeling my stomach churn some more.

After a couple more minutes, I wiped my eyes, put on the same small smile, and went to meet the others, hoping against hope that all these bottled up emotions don't suddenly explode one day. “Hey, Holland,” I waved, going passed her as she talked to Jack, I gave him a greeting, too.

“And then the guy says 'I was talking to the duck!'” I heard Calvin's unmistakable laughter sound from a ways away, I followed it.

“Riley! Baby!” RJ came to me, “You're better!” He exaggerated his movements, giving me a quick hug. I laughed a little.

“RJ, you're a crack head.” I shook my head.

“But you love me.”

“Yeah, somewhat.” I replied, looking around. Alex, Pat, Jared, Rian, Calvin, Ross, and Zack all were gathered around. “What's going on here?”

“Drug deal.” Jared shrugged, like it was nothing.

“Oh, what do you have?” I asked eagerly, playing along.

“Anything you need, toots.” Alex said in a weird accent.

“Toots?” I rose an eyebrow at him. Alex just shrugged. Weirdo. “No, seriously, what are you doing?”

“We're just waiting on John and Garret so we could go out for a bite to eat.” Calvin answered, looking at his watch, “But they're late.”

“May I join?” I asked. I needed something to distract me.

“Boys only.” Calvin responded.

My face fell, “Really?” I pouted.

“Oh my gosh! We have to invite her now, she just looks like a kicked puppy.” Jared gushed, “It makes me want to cry.”

“Fine.” Calvin sighed dramatically, “You can come.”

A smile lit up my face just as John and Garret walked up, “Hey, Riles, are you doing better?” Garret asked. Did everyone know I was sick?

“Yeah, I'm fine.” I nodded.

We left and went to Denny's. Sitting in between Calvin and John, I tried to join in the conversation, but what Elina said to me kept bothering me.

I knew I had a perfect life as far as my family went, and aside from my parents fighting in those few months before I was diagnosed, there was never any doubt that they would stay together. And, after I left Tuscon, I had a pretty good life in general. Aside from the fear. It was just that terrible year that I was stuck on. I had no reason to, either.

“Hey,” Calvin's knee hit mine, “You okay?”

I nodded, “Yup.” I looked at him, eyes shining with tears.

“No, you're not. Baby, what's wrong?” He said softly. I kind of liked it when he called me baby, not going to lie. It seemed these days, though, I was on the verge of crying every moment.

“Nothing...I'm not going to bring you guys down anymore, I'm just going to go back to the hotel.”

“No, it's okay, Riley...you can stay here.” Calvin tried to make me stay. “Plus, how are you going to get there?”

“Walk, it's not that far. I haven't had my run today, either...” I needed to clear my head.

“You didn't even eat anything.” John pointed out to me. I shook my head some more, already leaving. “I'll catch you guys later.

“Wait, I'll go with you.” John stood up and came with me just as Calvin was getting up. Calvin sat back down, a weird look on his face.

“John, I just really, really need to be alone right now, okay?” I whispered to him, not trusting my voice to go any louder.

“But, it could be dangerous out there, you don't know the area, who knows who could be lurking out there.” He worried.

“I'll be fine, John. I know where I'm going.”

“But--”

“How about, I'll call if I need anything, alright?” I said, smacking my pocket. I needed to get away.

I could feel myself sinking. Maybe I wasn't so emotionally stable as I had first thought. On the walk back, I decided, if everyone thought I had a perfect life, I would act like it too. Which required more fake smiles and forced laughs. I had been doing them so long, I think I can manage this.