When I Look at the Stars, I Feel Like Myself

Elina probably hates me for being a nosy little brat. I saw her as she just walked passed. True, I was talking with John on the phone, but she didn't even look my way. When we stopped, I saw that she was admiring the door bell. Literally, a bell above the door. I smiled a little as she pulled out her camera phone.

I went up to her anyway, I might as well apologize. “Elina, I'm sorry.” She spun around, and looked at me like I was crazy. I knew it, she doesn't want me to talk to her.

“For what?” She asked stupidly.

I gave a small hesitant smile, “For...being nosy. I had no right to ask you to open up to me. There are some things you just can't talk about. And I understand that.” I rambled.

“No, I'm sorry, I yelled at you for no reason, I treated you like I treated my sister before she died. And I shouldn't have, so I'm the one who should be sorry, Ri.” She resigned, head in her hands. I walked up to her, and, I think for the first time since her sister died, I hugged her.

She seemed a little shocked at first that I was the one who had hugged her, but then she hugged back, “I'm sorry.” She whispered again.

We hugged for a while, and then someone bumped us. We looked at Dalton, who also had his arm wide. “What? I don't get a Riley hug? Only Elina is allowed the privilege?”

“The only way you get one is if I do something to you and I feel really bad for it and say sorry. Or vise versa.” I mentioned.

“But you're a freakin' saint! How am I supposed to get one of your hugs? Do I just not get one?” He asked, ending in a pout.

I nodded, grinning wide again and turned away from him, “I'll give you a hug Dalt.” I heard Elina mention as I went towards the soda freezers. I was searching for the Dr. Pepper when I ran into John.

Literally.

“Ouch.” I muttered, smiling up at him.

“Hey, Riles. You okay? I didn't mean to run into you.” He apologized.

“Yeah.” I nodded, “No biggie. Do you know where the Dr. Pepper is, I can't find it.” I asked, taking a quick scan again.

“Uhhhh, I don't think they have any.” He answered, looking around.

“No Dr. Pepper?” I squeaked. “What kind of place doesn't have Dr. Pepper!? What state are we in?”

“Minnesota, I think.” John answered.

“That's it! We're never coming to Minnesota again!” I ranted, disappointed that they didn't have Dr. Pepper. Instead, I grabbed a thing of Smart Water.

“Hey, it's just a soda.” John backed away, a little frightened.

“Okay, you know how Dalton is with his Jones soda?” He gave me a small nod, “That's the way I am with Dr. Pepper. Just not so...extreme. I share, at least.” I chuckled, feeling normal again.

“We stop again in like...two hours. Can you wait?”

“Yeah, I think I still have a little bit in the two liter I have...even if it's going a little flat.” I pouted.

“Hey, don't pout.” He matched my expression. “A bird will poop on your lip.”

I looked up at the ceiling and spun around, “Silly John, there are no birds in here.” I pushed him lightly on the chest.

“That's what you think. Some are like ninjas and strike when you least expect it. So, no more pouting, okay?” He told me, to which I reluctantly nodded, bottom lip out. “I said no more.” He laughed, pushing my lip back in with his finger.

“I can pout if I want to.” I shook his hand off, face once again in a pout.

“I'll just have to....” He paused, a devilish grin on his face, “Tickle you!”

“No!” I squealed, “I am super ticklish, John!” I exclaimed, bursting out in laughter as his fingers attacked my sides.

“Holy crap, you really are ticklish!” He said after a few minutes of torturing me. “Even on your neck.” He said, wiggling his fingers on my flesh. I pulled my shoulders to my ears, trapping his hands.

“Yes.”

“Ow, lemme go!” He whined.

“Not until you say you're sorry.” I told him.

“Sorry!”

“Like you mean it.”

“I'm sorry, Riley, you're the greatest person to ever have lived and I should not have tickled your greatness.”

“Tickled her greatness?” Garret came to the back of the station, eyebrows raised at us, “I don't know what you've been doing back here, but this is a family place.” He said sternly.

“Family place? Says the guy who is standing next to a whole display of Bud Light.” John pointed out.

“Fine, this is a public place, and I don't think anyone wants to see, listen, or picture that kind of thing.” Garret lectured.

“Yes, Papa Garret.” I shuffled my feet, looking at the ground, though I was hiding a smile.

“You know, I think I have some Dr. Pepper on our bus.” John coaxed as we walked towards the bus, “And, unlike yours, it has never been opened. So, therefore, not flat.”

I debated. Being with John was natural. I didn't have to pretend. Being happy just came naturally when he was around. “Sure, Mr. Ohh.” I grinned, making a bee line for his bus, “But only because of the Dr. Pepper. Not because I actually want to hang out with you or anything.” I joked.

“Maybe you should feel bad about not hanging out with your band!” Dalton yelled to me.

“Awwww, sorry, Dalton.” I waved, “Hey, let me hang with John and I'll...give you a hug?” I persuaded.

“Okay!” He replied happily, continuing on the bus.

“He's right though...I haven't really spent much quality time with them lately. You're kind of monopolizing.” I mentioned, turning towards John. “Maybe I'll suggest we just have a band day. No you, no Zack, no Jack. Just You First.”

“Zack? Jack?” He asked, confused.

“Yeah. I mean...it's obvious Jack likes Holland, and well...I'm not an expert at these kinds of things but, I'm pretty sure Zack at least likes Lina a little. Don't you get that vibe?” He pulled opened the door to their bus, allowing me to go first.

“I guess, I haven't really looked at it closely, but it could be. Zack's pretty shy though, are you sure you're not just over analyzing things?”

“Could be. I am a girl, you know, and we tend to do that from time to time.” I chuckled.

“No? Really?” John gasped sarcastically.

“Unfortunately.” I sighed, smiling wide as he handed me the Dr. Pepper. “Thank you, Johno.” I cooed, getting a plastic cup from the stack on the counter. “Suddenly, I want to play a board game.” I mentioned while pouring the glass.

“I think...we have...” John stopped to think for a little while, “I think we have Sorry in the dark recesses of the bus.”

“Let's find it, shall we?” I asked, smacking my hands together, after taking a sip of the drink. “Should we start in the back room?”

“Uh, sure.” He nodded, leading the way towards where I could see Garret playing some kind of video game. He liked Zombie killing ones, so that's probably what he's playing. The first place we tried was the closet. But I regret opening it.

“No, don't ope--” Garret and John started, but it was too late.

“AHHH!” I yelled, stuff starting to tumble out. I quickly hopped back. “Why is there that much crap in here?” I asked, horrified.

“We didn't know what to do with it.” John mumbled.

“You mean you couldn't find a place for your shirt?” I asked, “Or the hot cocoa mix...? Why do you even have that?” I sighed, “Never mind, but I'm not cleaning this up.” I shook my head, stepping over the mess.

“Sorry.” Garret and John said.

“No problem...can I play some video games?” I asked, watching Garret for a moment.

“Uhhh, sure. Yeah.” Garret said, handing the controller over to me.

“Wow...John, I think I just found a new favorite person. I didn't have to fight him for the controller! Garret, you're awesome.” I complimented, and started on killing zombies.

“Hey, I'm more awesome than Garret.” John protested.

“Nope, I had to beg last time you were playing video games and I came in.” I told him, distracted as a zombie almost got me, “Now, hush, I'm trying to slay me some monsters and you're throwing off my groove.”

…..

When we got to the venue, I was lounging in the back with Garret and John while we played the game together, switching off when one person died—er—was murdered by zombies.

I strolled off the bus, a smile on my face as a remnant of time with John, to go find the rest of the band. I spotted Elina first. “Lina! Where is everyone, I wanted to suggest something.”

“Uh, we're all meeting in the dressing room. You know, as usual.” She explained.

“Oh, yeah. Sweet.” I nodded, walking alongside her to the room.

“Where's my hug?” Dalton smiled when I came in the room, I had almost forgotten about that. I quickly wrapped my arms around him. “Ahhhh, Ri-Ri hugs, a rare commodity.” He sighed, hanging on to me.

“Okay, you can let me go.” I said, face squished against his chest, “I need to ask everyone something.” He let me go and I turned to face the whole group. I took a deep breath, “Okay, so...touring has gotten pretty hectic and we've all made new friends.” I specifically looked at Holland and Elina, “And because of that, we really haven't been spending much time together...so what I'm suggesting is, and feel free to say no, okay? I just want to have a day where it's just us. All together. I mean, it doesn't even have to be the next day off. It could be tomorrow, when we only have a three hour drive to the next venue. I just miss hanging out with all of you crazy people.” I rambled.

I tend to do that when I'm nervous.

“Yeah, I'm okay with that.” Calvin nodded, looking around. In one way or another, they all ended up agreeing without much hesitation.

“Awesome. I'll pick up some snacks and stuff at Wal*Mart later tonight.” I smiled happily, not even having to think about it. Some smiles just came, but most I had to force. We all hung out, only being interrupted by Jack as he came in and sat next to Holland, until sound check.

I was last, surprisingly, lately I've been first. I think it was Ross's way of punishing me, putting me first, from when I missed it. He tends to hold a grudge like that. I didn't really like sound check, because once I started playing, I didn't want to stop.

I went and plugged in my silver bass, sighing, I started in with the bassline from 'Space' by Something Corporate, but ended up with just a string of random notes.

“You're good.” RJ told me, thumb up.

Ripping myself away from the bass, I handed it to RJ.

The hallways were narrow, only one person could fit comfortably in them, and I was starting to get a little freaked out. I saw John walking towards me, probably getting ready for his own sound check, “Hey, Ri.” He waved, smiling at me. We stopped to chat for a while, until Alex, Jack, Zack, and Rian all filed through, causing John to be pushed against me.

I was terrified and, for some reason, tears pooled in my eyes, and my heart started to beat a little faster. I looked around helplessly, trying to figure out what to do, until after what seemed like ten minutes, the line of people passed.

“Get away!” I shrieked, shoving him with tingling fingers and hands. John stumbled back, looking surprised. I threw my hands over my mouth and looked at the faces of everyone staring at me. “I'm so sorry, John, I--” But I didn't know how to explain myself. Instead, I took off in the opposite direction. The sudden feeling of impending doom still washing over me in large waves.

“Riley!” He called, but I ignored him, tears down my face.

My heart was still pumping overtime, and my breathing was turning even more shallow than it should while running. I burst through the door to the back of the venue, sitting on the steps hard, head between my knees.

“Are you okay, Riley?” I heard Calvin ask a couple minutes later. I didn't even hear the door open. He sat beside me, rubbing small circles on my back.

“Uhh, yeah...John and I were just smashed against each other and I had a mini-panic attack. I'm fine though.” I mumbled, downplaying the actual level the panic attack was, head still in between my knees. “Or...I will be in a few minutes.”

He chuckled lightly, and I closed my eyes. I loved his laugh. I leaned against him, letting his arms wrap around me. “It's okay, Riley.” He whispered.

Maybe I relied on him too much, but he was the only one I didn't really mind touching me. Apparently, I didn't even like John doing so. I huddled more in Cal's arms, “I'm sorry, Cal.”

“For what?” He asked, confused.

“You always have to take care of me, and I know you've had that enough in your life.” I muttered, burying my face in my knees.

“I don't mind, Riles, you need it and...I'll be here.” He kissed the top of my head, and I let a few more tears slip. He was too sweet to me.

“Thank you.” I whispered to him, “Thank you so much.” I repeated.

A few minutes later, I decided I was well enough to go back into the venue, but I didn't want to face John. I was glad tomorrow it would just be You First together, so I didn't have to deal with him. He looked hurt when I pushed him away.

Not physically, of course, but...emotionally. I hated that look on his face. I like John, as more than a friend. I don't think I've ever liked him as only a friend either. I don't know why I pushed him away once he was finally touching me, when usually I wanted him to hold me.

My thoughts twisted into a confusing mess. “Guys, I'm going to take a little nap, could you...keep it down?” I asked Dalton, RJ, and Elina who were all in the dressing room.

“Sure, Ri-Ri.” Dalton nodded, putting my feet up on his lap when I laid down on the couch. Elina was perched cross-legged on the coffee table, playing on her DS, while RJ sat in the corner fiddling with Elina's guitar, tuning it.

I closed my eyes, but I didn't fall asleep. Honestly, I didn't know what to feel anymore. I didn't want to keep up this stupid happy facade, but I knew I couldn't just drop it. I couldn't have the others worry about me like that.

I felt drained.

“Riley...” Someone whispered and I realized I actually had dozed off, “Riley...” They said again.

“Hmmmm?” I mumbled, turning over. It was Ross.

“Get up Riley, you have twenty minutes until your set, you need to get ready.”

“I am ready.” I shooed, only pronouncing half of my words correctly in my tired state. “Leave me alone.”

“Riley.” He said sternly, leaving no room for argument.

I groaned loudly, “Fine, I'm up.” I grumbled.

“Don't cop an attitude with me, young lady.” He warned, like a mother, but he was just playing around. So, I stuck my tongue out at him. “Real mature.” He rolled his eyes, but then stuck his tongue right back out at me. He laughed once more before walking away.

I followed suit, wiping the sleep from my eyes and yawning wide. I went to the bus to re-do my makeup and change into a white v-neck and teal plaid button up. Just because, I slipped on a pair of black skinnies. Screwing my mouth to the side as I looked in the mirror, I knew this was as good as it was ever going to get.

Sighing, I walked off the bus, five minutes to spare. I met the rest of the band side stage and they smiled at me, psyched for the show.

“Hey, so, Riley...” Holland started, “Jack told me you freaked out on John, are you okay?” She asked, concerned for me.

“Uhh, yeah. You know how I have panic attacks sometimes...well...I kind of had one.” I shook my head. I started to have frequent panic attacks about a year ago, after Erin's suicide. Before, they were just intermittently after I was diagnosed.

Though it's unsure what actually causes Panic Disorder, most cases have been linked to major life changes. Like, say, finding out you have breast cancer, or a friend committing suicide. I usually had medication for it, but before I could refill my prescription of Zoloft, we left for tour. I kept forgetting to have mom send it over to the nearest drug store. I turned to Ross.

“Ross, could you remind me tomorrow to call my mom about my Zoloft?” I asked him, and he looked up towards me.

“Yeah,” he said, taking a pen and scribbling it in his handy-dandy binder. How he carried that thing around all the time was beyond me. It looked cumbersome and annoying to me.

Then, we went on. My hands were still a little shaky and tingly, but it would eventually wear out while I played. Usually, it took a while for my body to get back in control after a panic attack, especially a big one like that.

It was one of the biggest ones I had ever had. The whole time I was onstage, I was trying to figure out what triggered it. Sometimes, though, panic attacks aren't even related to the situation you're in. Sometimes they just come.

But, I couldn't help but think it was because John was so close. It was the fact I could feel his breath float across my cheek, his body being flush with mine. It caused a commotion my body didn't know what to do with, thus spiraling into a panic induced attack.

He stirred up emotions I have never felt before, and it was a little scary.

“And, the space cadet over there, is Riley.” Calvin laughed, pointing to me. I realized, I hadn't stopped playing the song's note progression. I smiled sheepishly, “You have to forgive her, she had a little panic attack earlier today. They always knock her brain out of her head.”

“At least I have a brain.” I chuckled, stepping up to the mic.

“Oh, she got you there, dude.” Elina laughed into her own mic.

“Whatever.” He scoffed at us, “Note to all you aspiring musicians out there, never start a band with three girls, they all gang up on you.” Calvin addressed the crowd, Dalton giving a little beat in agreement.

I smiled and we played the rest of our set.

Getting offstage, I was feeling tired again. “Guys, I'm going to go to the bus.” I waved, rushing off and lying in my bunk.

A couple minutes after settling myself in my bunk, I received a text.

From: Johno
Im sorry riles.

I frowned, replying.

To: Johno
It's not your fault, I just had a panic attack.

But, that didn't mean I wanted to face him. Who knew what would happen when those emotions surged back up again? I could have another panic attack, or like...

Pass out or something.

Yeah, not something I wanted to experience. After a few more text back and forth, I told him I was going to sleep and he had to go onstage.