When I Look at the Stars, I Feel Like Myself

I haven't talked to Zack since that night on the bus. He has my number, I have his, but I 'm waiting for him to text me. I never really liked making the first move. I guess that's why I've never had a boyfriend. I've been on a date, sure. I've been kissed by a boy, but not for longer than a minute.

"Hey, Lina," Dalton says casually, smiling down at me.

"Hey, Dal," I say back, heart thumping faster than it should. Dalton is the reason I've never been on more than two dates with the same guy. Because I stayed on All Time Low's bus the other night without telling Ross, he changed my sound check so I went after Riley. When I got off the stage after, Dalton looked a little disappointed when he glanced at me.

“Elina,” he had said, “You were supposed to play Sonic with me last night,” I felt so bad that I had to come back on the bus. Plus, there was no reason not to, since Riley and I weren't fighting anymore. But I still didn't want to. I don't really want to be around people that much anymore.

“Let's go get some Jones!” he exclaimed, pulling me along and out of my thoughts.

“Watch it,” Calvin yelled, “some workers are looking for hoodlums!”

I knew what that meant. We knocked down the entire woman’s clothing section. Well Dalton did, but the point is; we've been kicked out of Walmart for less.

In the soda aisle, we see John and Garret standing there. Kennedy quickly walks up, and they have an argument over what kind of pop to buy.

“Coca-cola!” Garret yells, “I haven't had that in a while,”

“Pepsi!” Kennedy retorts.

“No, Dr. Pepper,” John asserts, literally putting his foot down. He lifted it up just to set it down again, though it was effective.

“Alright, man,” Garret huffs, “Jeeeeezzz,”

“I've got a solution to this dilemma,” Dalton puts in, “Just buy some Jones!” he says, lifting the bottles for illustration.

“Or,” I say, killing Dalton's proud smile, “You could buy all three,” I suggest, “It's more logical than buying something that wasn't even suggested,”

Dalton pouts at me, “I was just trying to help,”

He walks out of the aisle and halts, “Elina,” he calls in a panicked whisper.

I walk over to him, and my eyes widen. There's security guards on the other side of the hallway, in the baby aisle. I wasn't even aware that Walmart had guards.

“We need something inconspicuous!” he yelps, still whispering.

I look around. We could always just walk away, but they would probably find us eventually. The guards are walking steadily towards us, still not looking up. Dalton grabs my hand, lacing his fingers with mine.

He leans over and whispers in my ear, “What's more inconspicuous than a couple?”

My eyes widen once more, as he pulls me off towards the very baby section the guards are in.

I know what he's thinking, so I plaster on a ridiculously happy smile, and when we stop to look at some newborn toys, I put a hand on my stomach. I play along to his plan, “Do you think it's a girl or a boy?”

“I want it to be twins!” he exclaims, “A boy and a girl, that way, they'll always have someone to talk to,” he doesn't understand. Twins are really close when they're younger, sure. And they have that unbreakable bond that lets them know when the other is in trouble, but... there are some things you can't tell anyone, not even your twin.

I laugh anyway, “Sure, honey,” I say patting his chest lightly. He places a hand on my stomach.

“I can't wait until you start showing,” he coos.

“You can't wait until I get fat?” I ask, feigning offense, “Some boyfriend you are!” I had to say boyfriend, since it would be very easy to notice the lack of a ring. And, we don't look even close to being old enough for marriage.

He laughs, and leans his face in closer to mine. My hearts stops. The guards are still in this aisle, right next to the strollers. They seem to be talking on some kind of walkie-talkie. I notice their night sticks and gulp. Those look pain-inducing. His face comes closer still, it seems he's going to kiss me.

Instead, he redirects to my ear, “To seal the deal,” he whispers, talking about our disguise, and heads for my lips again.

He stops just short, and asks, “You don't mind, do you?” he whispers quietly. I shake my head slightly, and close my eyes. His lips brush mine, and press down slightly. I press back, and wrap my arms around his neck. His hands hold my waist.

His lips ring at the corner of his mouth is slightly cold, but warms up in a second or two. Every second goes by quickly, though I wish time would stop. All too soon, he pulls away, and wipes his forehead in relief.

“Phew!” he exclaims, “That was a close one,” the guards are gone, and the four minutes I was Dalton's girlfriend are over.

I wish they would have lasted.

Dalton's

I can now officially say that I like kissing boys better than kissing girls. Not saying that Elina is a bad kisser, she was actually pretty good. It's just... different kissing men.

“Let's go find the others,” Elina suggests. She looks a little shaken up, like something's bothering her.

Oh, well. If it was that important, she would tell me. She always has.

If it weren't for Elina, I would have never accepted it. I would have never told my parents, I would still be dating girls to prove that I'm 'normal', I wouldn't be openly gay.

If I were still hiding, Elina would be my girlfriend. If I weren't even gay, she would be my girlfriend. She's so... different from other girls. I can tell she doesn't want a lot of the things other girls want, like someone with huge muscles, someone to screw. That's not the reason she likes Zack. In fact... it seems like she doesn't want anything to do with that part of a relationship.

It seems like she's afraid.

“Yeah,” I agree. Elina worries me with all these blank stares, all the sobbing fests. She was never like this normally. It just must be the touring that's got her. It's quite stressful.

She hasn't slept in a while and she gets really emotional when she doesn't. Right after what happened to her aunt, she used to stay over at my house, and she would curl up into my side, sometimes just trying to sleep. Other times crying. Her aunt died of leukemia, and she hated just watching her die like that. Just withering away. Accepting it.

“Dalton?” Elina asks, ripping me from my worry.

“Yeah?”

“Um,” she pauses, mulling something over. She gnaws on her bottom lip, which is what she does when she's seriously debating something important, “Never mind,”

“What is it?” I ask, curiosity getting the best of me.

“Nothing. I'll... I'll tell you later,”

“ELINA!” RJ shouts from behind us.

“RJ!” she yells back, wrapping her arms around him.

Though they're the same age, RJ has always considered Elina a younger sister he has to protect. That's why he was pacing a good deal of the night when Elina stayed the night on a tour bus with nothing but guys. He really worries over her, too. That and Holland, who has always seemed distant. Ever since we all met her, she has been hiding something.

At least, I think so.

They start discussing the good memories of math class first period last year, and I walk to the group of other musicians, leaving the two behind.

Elina's

I wanted to tell Dalton how I felt. I should have. I at least wanted to hint at it, but I didn't know how to say anything without making it completely obvious. I don't think anyone suspects that I like him, it never would have crossed their mind. Who would love someone they can't ever have?

“We have to get out of here,” Ross says, when we finally head to the group of the touring bands.

“Why?” Jack asks, just showing up.

“Dalton had an...” he lowers his voice, “Incident,” Ross gives him a sharp look, though still soft and caring. Dalton shrugs and smiles sheepishly, “And now they're after us,”

He points behind his shoulder, towards the mustached officer patrolling the cottage cheese. Jack is bouncing on his heels with excitement.

“This is so cool! It's like Mission Impossible!” he turns around and yells, “Colussy! I need you to do your job!”

“What?” he yells back, somewhere else in the store.

Jack is about to reply, but Holland clamps a hand over his mouth, “This isn't helping the situation...”

“Why is it so important?” Zack asks, he was quiet the whole time, like usual. But that doesn't mean I didn't notice him. It's hard for me not to.

“Well...”Calvin launches into a past tour story.

”We have to stop at Walmart, Ross!” Dalton whined, “I ran out of Jones!”

“I have to check with the other bands' managers.” he soothes, “Can you wait?”

“Nooo!” he yelps dramatically.

“Dalton! Chill! Just take a nap, it will all be over soon,” Elina rubbed his back, calming him. A little.

“You drank that much soda in three days?” Holland questioned, eyebrows furrowed.

“I had to stay up to beat the boss in Zelda,” he shrugs.

“Was it the one in the Desert Temple?”

Dalton turned to Elina, nodding, with a grimace on his face, “I got to ten game overs, then I stopped counting,” he sighed. Dalton's not good at bosses, especially that one, because the way to kill it was not obvious. At. All.

“We're not even close to a Walmart,” the bus driver puts in, “So you'll have to wait anyway,”

It went on, Dalton whining, occasionally whimpering in his sleep. Dalton + Jones Soda Withdrawal = at least 30 minutes of torture to anyone in the vicinity.

“We're here!” Riley exclaimed. Dalton shot up, eyes open wide.

“Where's my Jones!?” he yelled, running off the bus.

The full details on exactly what happened are unclear. But, they had caused a shortage in the lights in the bathrooms, the display for the Wii games had tipped over, and there was a small explosion in the kitchen appliances.

Needless to say, they were not welcome here.

“Yeah,” Calvin trailed off, ending his story.

“They told us that if we ever caused problems here again, they'd arrest us,” RJ puts in.

“And Dalton caused problems again,” Holland sighs.

“I hope we don't get arrested,” I grimace.

“So, it was this Walmart?” Alex asks.

“Yeah, about a year ago,” Ross answered, “It's not likely that they forgot. Dalton is hard to forget...”

“Where is Dalton?” Riley asks, looking around.

“Balls,” I muttered.

X

Everyone split up, to look for Dalton. Somehow, I got stuck with Zack. Not saying it's a bad thing, but... I thought this was supposed to be a day for just You First members. Maybe that's not until the venue...

“Where do you think he'd go?” Zack asks me.

“Uh... I don't know,” I answer, “Dalton is pretty unpredictable,”

“Really?”

“Really what?”

“You don't know where he'd be?”

“How is that such a shock?”

“Nothing, you two just seem really close,”

The air between us draws still, and we are silent. The Electronics are clear, and the art supplies, too. He may have been there, since he enjoys making beaded bracelets, but he probably left already, if he was there in the first place.

“Dalton and I...” I trail off, not sure what to say, “we've been friends since I was in ninth grade,” I leave it at that.

“What grade are you in now?”

“I'm a senior,”

“But you were sixteen when the school year started,” He states, with a look of confusion.

“My mom and dad registered us early, we had to take a test to prove we were ready for Kindergarten,” I say, referring to Erin and me, “It wasn't that hard to get us in, since it was only two and a half weeks until we turned five,”

He nods in understanding, and we go back to silence. I think he has more questions, but I don't want him to ask anymore. I've been in a good mood today, and most of yesterday, and one thing said the wrong way can set me off. He doesn't want to pry too much into my past, no one does. I don't even want to do that.

“So... you're good friends with him?”

“Yeah, the closest,” I say in a mock valley girl accent, “We used to, like, have sleepovers! Pizza, pillow fights, we had everything,”

He laughs at my ridiculousness, and I laugh with him. My stomach starts hurting after a little while, so I try to make myself stop laughing. It works, when Zack asks another question.

“You really use to have sleepovers?”

“Yeah, after I was sure he was gay. And especially after my aunt died,” I trail off, looking down. I don't want to think about her last few days alive. Her eyes were glossed over, like she was already dead, but she was still talking to me. Dalton came over to visit her, too, in the hospital. He was the only one of my friends at the time that she approved of. When he told her how I stuck up for him that day we first met, she looked at me and said, 'That's my niece,' patting my head. She was always proud of me for that, for being friends with Dalton and sticking up for him when people would tease him.

Not saying he couldn't ever stick up for himself, but it's harder to put up a good fight when you're the one being teased. Everything you say, they laugh at. And, let's just face it, I can be a lot sassier than Dalton.

“If you don't mind me asking,” I look up at him, “how did she die?”

I pause, and gnaw on my bottom lip. Should I tell him? So far, the only other person that knows how she died is Dalton, not even Riley or Holland knows. But, I told Zack all about my dad, and up until then, Dalton was the only one who knew that.

It scares me how much I've already let him in.

Though he still has a very, very long way to go.

“Leukemia,” I say shortly, looking at the ground.

“Oh,” he says, as if it's the only thing he could say. But he continues, still, “So that's another reason you said Andrew McMahon was your hero?”

I blush, I didn't think he'd remember that, “Yeah,”

“And no one else in your band knows but Dalton, right?”

I never thought he would get that one. It's not that obvious... is it?

“And he's the only other one in your band that knows about your father, too?”

“No, RJ knows a little bit about my father,” I answer truthfully, “Just not how I saw him die,”

“Okay, so let me get this straight,” he says, putting his hands in front of him, “Two of the most traumatizing moments in your life, and only Dalton and I know about them?”

After a long moment of contemplation, I nodded my head.

“Elina,” he soothes, touching my hair, “It's not good to keep things inside” He pulls me into a hug, and I wrap my arms gratefully around him.

He strokes my hair, and I could just fall asleep in his arms. He starts rubbing circles into the small of my back, and it kind of tickles. But it feels too good to tell him to stop. He, as a person, is just very relaxing.

I look up at him, “Zack...” I sigh, going to put my face in his chest again. He catches the side of my face, and pulls me closer to him. Leaning over, his lips come closer to mine.

He's about to kiss me. I don't know what to do. I don't really want this, not like I wanted to kiss Dalton, but I... I don't know if I could kiss two boys in one day. Dalton won't mind, in fact he'd probably start gushing if I told him, but... The two guys I trust the most, if both of them were to kiss me in the same day, I wouldn't be able to take it.

“Hey!” a voice calls out to us, breaking us quickly apart, “You're that girl from the baby aisle!” the officer exclaims.

I nod, and smile at them, “Yeah, that's me,”

“Where's your boyfriend?”

“He went to go get dog food,” I make up on the spot.

“Yeah? Who's this?” he asks, gesturing to Zack.

“Oh, this is my...” I think of a lie real fast, “This is my boyfriend's brother,”

“You two seem pretty close,” he eyeballs the two of us real good, though we're standing almost four feet apart now.

“He helped me out a lot, whenever I would think about breaking up with him. And now I have a baby,” I laugh and smile, patting my stomach.

He opens his mouth, laughing, and is going to reply. But, then his walkie-talkie crackled, and he held up a finger. The noise on the other end is unintelligible, and he replies back in a hurried whisper, “I'm on my way,”

He turns back to us, “I've got to go deal with an idiot in trying to take fish from the fish tanks,” he says apologetically, “Congratulations, once again. I remember me and my wife's first kid. She was just as ecstatic as you are. She looks a lot like you,”

I smile at him, and say my goodbye, and he walks away, whistling a happy tune. I sigh, wishing his happiness wasn't based on a lie to get out of trouble.

“Um,” Zack interrupts, “What the hell was that all about?”

Oh! Zack has no clue what's going on, and now I feel really bad for leaving him out of the loop. Well, I didn't expect that to happen, but... I still should have told him.

But why? Why should Zack have any part of my life?

Because he wants it. He wants to know about my past, he wants to know everything about me.

And I think that's my biggest fear.

“Dalton and I had to act like an expecting couple so the officers wouldn't be suspicious,” I dismiss, acting like it doesn't bother me one bit.

“Wait...” Zack trails off, thinking, “Could that 'idiot' in the fish section be Dalton, by any chance?”

“Oh, balls!” I mutter, “Yeah, it probably is,”

We hurry to the fish section, and the officers are already there, with no Dalton in tow. He must have ran off before they could get here.

“We already threw your boyfriend out,” the officer tells me, “he says he'll be waiting for you outside,”

On the way to the buses, we bought all of our stuff, and Dalton's too, Zack asks a question I never thought he would even think of, “Was it hard?”

“What?”

“Having to pretend to be his girlfriend,” Zack clarifies, “I can tell you like him,”

And just when I was starting to be happy again.