When I Look at the Stars, I Feel Like Myself

“Alright...” Calvin sighed, sitting down on the bus as we parked at the venue, a thoughtful look on his face, “What are we going to do?” He asked. I looked quickly over at him, I had been spacing for a good five minutes. About what, though, I wasn't quite sure.

It seemed my mind just went from place to place leaving no permanent mark of what I had been thinking of.

Elina was the one to answer his question, “I don't know, we have all those video games in the back...”

“All we ever do is play video games.” Holland pointed out, not sounding angry or even annoyed, it was completely objective.

“I think we have...Monopoly somewhere...” Dalton suggested.

“No, that game is so boring.” RJ sighed.

“What about...the Nerf ball we bought a couple days ago?” I said without thinking about it, “We haven't even opened it yet, we could play like...flag football or something.”

“I'm down, but there are seven people, that's an uneven team.” Ross pointed out.

“Riley could ref.” Holland volunteered, “She does it all the time anyway.”

“And she's too dainty.” RJ laughed, “Even if we're not playing tackle, she'll be crushed.”

“Actually, I do want to play...anyone want to just switch off with me?” I spoke up, and everyone looked at me weird. “What? I just want to try something new today. I mean, it can't be that hard to like...grab a flag.”

“Alright, so, who is switching off with Riley then?” Calvin asked, giving me a small smile.

“I'm not feeling too well today, I'll switch.” Holland answered, looking around for approval.

“Let's get this party started!” Dalton cheers, running out of the bus doors, we all saunter out behind him where we see he is already in the patch of grass across from the venue. As we slowly make our way over to him, teasing him, he hops around like an impatient dog.

“Slow down, sparky.” Elina laughed, clapping a hand on his shoulder, “We'll get to play.”

“How many Jones sodas did you have, Dalt?” I asked, laughing slightly.

“Three...” He trails off, grabbing the ball suddenly from Ross' hand, then stops. “We don't have any flags...”

“TACKLE TIME!!” Calvin yelled, hitting Dalton in the side. They tumbled to the ground in a fit of laughter. Elina, Holland, Ross, RJ, and I just stared at the two boys, who are now rolling around, wrestling playfully.

“You know, they don't seem to snap at each other as much now.” Elina stated thoughtfully.

“I was just about to say that.” Holland agreed.

“Does this mean they're officially 'friends' now?” I asked, equally thoughtful.

“May...be...?” RJ put in. We all contemplate this situation while they continue to wrestle.

“Ouch!” Calvin interjected the laughter with a cry of pain.

“What happened?” I responded, alarmed.

“Dalton hit me in the nose! Get off me, you butt wipe!” He snapped, pushing Dalton off of him finally.

Elina sighed, “Well, it was nice while it lasted.”

“Agreed.” Holland muttered, and I turn to Calvin, his nose is bleeding.

“You're bleeding!” I yelped, rushing to him.

“Shoot!” He gasped, holding his nose.

“I'll go get some ice.” I scurried off to the bus where I think we have a little bit of ice left in our mini freezer. I grabbed a plastic baggy and stuff it full of ice, finally wrapping it up in a clean shirt before going out the bus again.

“Aww, Ri-Ri, you're so kind.” Dalton cooed, “Even though he doesn't really deserve it.” He added under his breath.

I gingerly press the ice to Calvin's nose and eye area, I can already see a bruise forming. “Jeez, how hard did you hit him!?” I exclaimed as he winced, laying his hand on top of mine.

“It was a love tap...” Dalton defended, kicking the ground with his shoe.

“What did I tell you about those?” Elina said in warning.

“They didn't count for anything...or something like that.”

“So, what should you stop doing?”

“Giving love taps or I will have to suffer the wrath of CATWOMAN!” He ends in a fit of laughter.

Elina slapped her forehead hard, “Not this again!” She groaned.

“Careful, I'm not going to go get another bag of ice.” I warned, pulling my hand out from under Calvin's. “You okay?” I asked him, looking him in his good eye.

He nodded, “Looks like I'll be the one sitting out and reffing though.” He chuckled, and motions to all the others already making teams.

“And, Lord help me, I'm on Dalton's team.” I joked back, running to join.

“It just means he won't be able to tackle you!” Calvin shouted back, “And you don't want that!” He added, gesturing to his nose.

I gave one last laugh before going to join. Holland had apparently found a few dish towels for everyone to use as flags, I tucked mine into my waistband before being passed the ball.

Let me just say, I do not play enough to be tossed the ball first play. I felt my eyes go wide and someone shouted at me to run, I think it was Dalton. So I did.

Elina was up behind me along with Ross and Dalton guarding me. But, Elina being as tiny and catwoman-like as she is, she slipped through both of them and grabbed my flag.

“Poo.” I muttered, a pout on my face.

“No, you did good.” Dalton reassured me with a hard pat to my back.

“Nice rushing!” Holland came up, giving me a smile which I returned.

“You know, you should play more. You're actually very good at this.” Elina, even though she was on the other team, congratulated.

...

“Team huddle!” Dalton screamed a while later. We were down by two and it was apparently the 'last quarter' even though I have no idea how they knew that since we weren't timing anything.

Holland, Dalton, and I moved a little bit away from Ross, Elina, and RJ, so that he could talk to us. “Okay, I've got Elina. We're throwing the rules completely out the window and we're going to tackle everyone we can. Riley, you take down RJ, and Holland, you've got Ross.”

“Wait!” I objected, “I can't take down RJ, that just seems really...evil...he's too adorable.”

“And I can't take down Ross! He'll like...ground me or something.” Holland protested.

Dalton rolled his eyes, “Fine. Riley, you've got Elina, Holland you take RJ and I guess I'll tackle Ross. He won't punish me that bad.” He eyed the other team, who were looking at us like we were nuts and tapping their toes.

Calvin was still sitting in the grass, melted bag of ice sitting beside him in the grass. He seemed to be having fun with his camera. Taking pictures and catching certain things on film. “Ready, break!” Dalton hollered.

“Ouch...” I mumbled, hand to my ear as we went back to the field. I rolled my eyes at Dalton and focused on Elina. I don't know how I'm supposed to tackle her to the ground, we're both twigs. Not to mention she's probably tougher than me.

“Blue 42! Hut! Hut! Hike!” RJ exaggerated, snapping the ball back to Ross.

I ran after Elina, throwing my body towards her and waited for the impact. I heard her squeak in surprise, and Ross let out a surprised 'get off me!' Along with protest from RJ, I figured we did our job.

“I'm sorry!” I apologized vehemently when I got off Elina. “Dalton made me do it!” I pointed my finger at Dalton, who was now getting a noogie from Ross.

“Yeah?” Elina challenged, and I was a little scared. She may be small, but she carries a whole load of evil. And then she lunged at me. Her thin arms wrapped around my torso, knocking me off balance and to the ground.

I groaned in pain as my elbow hit a rock. “Elina, you are the devil.” I teased, standing back up. “I think I twisted my ankle.” I frowned down at the throbbing joint.

“Did I do that?” Elina asked, suddenly apologetic.

“Naw, I probably did it when I was running after your skinny butt.” I nudged her as we made our way back to the group. Everyone else waiting around by Calvin watching some of the footage that he got.

Ross checked his watch, “Well, that consumed a lot of time, we've only got another hour until we have to go back in the venue...anything else you want to do?” He looked around the group, as Elina and I joined him.

“We could go...have a soda chugging contest.” Elina suggested jokingly.

“No one is touching my Jones!!” Dalton said protectively.

“I was joking, Dalt. You know how I am with soda. It'll go right through me and I'd have to pee halfway through the set.”

“You know, that was probably more information than I needed.” Holland sounded, looking a little grossed out. I went towards Calvin to look at some of the pictures he had taken while the others discussed what we would do for the next hour. At the rate it was going, we'd probably still be arguing about it until we had to play our set.

“Hey, you're limping a little bit, you okay?” Calvin noticed right away.

“Yeah, I just need to walk it off.” I dismissed, “Anything good?” I asked, pointing towards the camera.

“Yeah, we actually got a few shots we can put up on Myspace and all that social networking hooplah.” Calvin mentioned, resuming his flipshow through the pictures.

“Hey, that's a really good picture.” I pointed. It was of me, Elina, and Holland. Holland and I were glaring playfully at Elina across from us as we leaned over to start running when it was time. I grabbed the camera from him and turned the lens on him. “But we don't have any of you.”

“Ah!” Calvin exclaimed, “I have a bum eye.” He laughed, covering it up. I grabbed his wrist, pulling his hand away.

“No, you still look sexy.” I smiled, taking a picture of his pout.

“Hey! We're going to play Twister!” Dalton yelled at us, snapping us to attention.

“How does that...why?” I asked, confused as to why we even had a Twister game.

“Because....it'll stretch us out before we play.”

“Or injure us.” I muttered, getting up anyway because it was obvious Dalton had no real reason to play the game. “I call being the spinner!” I raised my hand.

As we went back towards the bus, John was walking to his. “Hey, guys!” He greeted, stopping us, “How is your band day going? I saw a little bit of a football game going on.”

“It's been great.” I avoided eye contact with him. I haven't seen him except for a few moments in Wal-Mart since the panic attack. And, to me at least, it still felt a little awkward.

“So, are you free yet?” He asked me, “I need to talk to you.”

“Nope, we're still hanging out as a band!” Dalton saved me with his hyper comment, he nudged me in the shoulder before walking away.

“I'll...I'll talk to you later, okay?” I nodded, going after Dalton and the rest of the band.

I don't know what was funnier, watching Dalton somehow get tangled up in the mat for Twister, or Elina teasing him in the big ball of plastic with one of his Jones sodas. As he reached helplessly for the carbonated drink, Elina yanked it back just a few more inches.

How I missed days like this.

I leaned back on the sofa, watching the scene unfold, and when Dalton finally released himself, he sat on Elina. It seemed that was his favorite thing to do. “Thanks to that little episode, we don't have any time left to play Twister.” Ross pointed out, not seeming disappointed in the least.

And we all cheered, except for Dalton.

“You just wanted to feel me up, didn't you?” Calvin joked, elbowing Dalton in the side.

“You know it, baby.” Dalton wagged his eyebrows and they laughed.

“They're so moody.” Ross sat next to me, watching again as the two boys mess around like best friends.

“These mood swings are going to give me whiplash.” Holland muttered, sitting on my other side.

I noticed again how thin she was getting, almost too thin. I know I shouldn't talk, considering what I looked like, but I ate healthy and did everything I was supposed to, and I was still this thin. I hardly ever noticed Holland each anything beside junk food and maybe a few bites of oatmeal at breakfast.

Who willingly ate oatmeal?

I get grandparents and other old people, because that's probably what they grew up on. But, nowadays there are so many other good things to eat at breakfast. I usually had two pancakes and a banana, sometimes orange juice and sometimes apple juice, depending on what I was in the mood for.

And that was a healthy breakfast, not that oatmeal isn't healthy, but it just taste....awful. And it reminds me of throw up.

As my mind went on its tangent, we walked to the venue doors. “You look pained, what are you thinking about?” Holland asked, concerned.

“Oatmeal.” I answered, looking at her. “I don't know how you stand the taste.”

Something flashed through her eyes, but I didn't catch what it was in time before it was gone. “I manage...I'm kind of used to it. My mother fed it to me all that time.”

“Oh...so it's an acquired taste?” I smiled. “I've never tried it enough to like it.” I laughed.

“Yeah, it takes a while to get used to.” She nodded.

Holland didn't usually talk to anyone of us, and especially not like this. When she talked this much it was usually about our music. It was as nice as it was strange. Why couldn't we all be like this all the time?

Most of the time it's Dalton and Elina off in their freaky best friend world, and Holland's off in hers or with Jack. Calvin and RJ stuck together like only brothers understood, and I was usually alone or running.

We were hardly ever together as a band anymore like all the rest of the bands on tour seemed to be. I mean, All Time Low practically partied 24/7 with each other either on their bus or just goofing off in the venue. The Maine took part in the ATL parties together, or killed zombies in the back of their bus.

Point is, they were mostly all together all the time. And we weren't.

Does that make us any less of a band?

I'm not pushing the blame on everyone else, because my mind is always elsewhere, trying to figure out what I'm going to do. Elina has her own problems that she feels like she needs to sort out on her own. I don't know what's going on with Holland, but whatever it is, I can tell it's not good.

I looked around at the group as we now sat around the dressing room. We again were separated, in our own little groups with Holland and I sitting by ourselves on opposite sides of the room.

A weight hit me, somewhere in the chest were I suspected my heart was, and I stood up. No one even noticed as I walked out of the room in a hurry. I needed out of there. I went back to the bus, I needed my Prozac. I remembered I hadn't taken it yet since we picked it up at the pharmacy, and I really needed it.

As I walked off the bus, my phone rang in my pocket. The ID read 'Johno.' I flipped it open after chugging down half the bottle of water with my pill. “Yeah?” I answered.

“Hello to you too, sunshine.” He chuckled, “Can I talk to you yet?”

“I don't know John, we're supposed to be onstage real soon, I don't think I can.” I excused, trying to prolong this conversation. I didn't want him to ask, like I was sure he was going to, why I had the panic attack.

Of course, I could lie and say that it was just a random episode, and not what it really was. But, like many times before, I felt like I couldn't lie to him. “Oh,” He sighed, “Well, after your set, then?”

I guess that was as long as I was going to get until he realized I was avoiding him. “Yeah, sure, Johno.” I nodded even though he couldn't see it.

“One question, though. You looked a little....flustered when you went outside, are you okay?”

And there it was, his 'you okay?' question.

I smiled faintly, “Yeah, I just needed....” I didn't want him to know I was medicated. It was enough he knew I had panic attacks sometimes, but I didn't want him to know about the crutch I needed. One of my weaknesses. I didn't want to let him in for fear of having to leave him behind too soon. “I just needed some air.” I lied, and instantly felt bad. We said our goodbyes, and I continued into the venue.

For some reason, I hated lying to John. It was like kicking a puppy or taking candy from a child. It was one of the worst feelings I had ever felt, and that's saying something since I've been through a lot in my life. And he didn't even know it was a lie. He trusted that I wouldn't lie to him. And apparently not on something so small like this.

If he only knew what else I was keeping from him...

But, of course, that's the point, he's not supposed to know. No one is.