When I Look at the Stars, I Feel Like Myself

Since we didn't have to buy a tour bus or any equipment, we all got about 715 dollars each from the prize money.

Needless to say, we are going to the mall. I was going to Guitar Center with Riley and Holland, too. I wanted to buy a new acoustic guitar so I don't have to play Erin's old one. Mine broke last month, completely bumming me out. We were definitely putting 'Regrets' in our set, which I played on acoustic guitar and sung.

I wrote that song about a month after Erin died.

“Alright...” Ross began, “we've got the tour information and the paperwork for you guys,” he hands us each all a small stack of papers, “Riley, Elina, you two have to get your parents to sign that, since you're underage. RJ... ask Calvin,”

“Ross,” I whined, “Can't I claim you as my legal guardian?” Let's just say my parents and I are not on 'speaking terms'. Especially not my dad...

“No, you can't,” Ross asserted, “just suck it up and talk to your mom, already,”

I pulled a pout, and got into the van, “I'm not speaking with you for the rest of the day,” I call to him from the back of the bus.

He sighs and rolls his eyes. He knows the scene with my mom and let me tell you: that's not a pretty one.

About three minutes into the car trip, I couldn't help it anymore. We're not going the right way, and I was curious. I NEEDED to know.

“Ross...” I trailed off, “where are we going?” I asked quietly, but I know he could hear me.

“What was that?” he asked, smile playing on his lips.

“I asked you where we're going...” I mumble.

“I still didn't catch that one...” he mocks.

“Where are we going?” I ask loudly.

“I thought that you weren't speaking with me,” he teases.

I yelp in frustration, “Just tell me where we're going,”

“Not the mall,” he sung.

“Never mind. It's not like I cared anyway,” I huff, sitting back in my seat.

“Put your seat belt on,” Ross commanded.

“NEVER!” I yell at him, poking my tongue out.

“If we get in an accident,” Calvin says, “you'll fly right through the windshield,”

“And it's not like we really NEED a keyboardist,” Dalton chirps.

Ouch.

“Besides,” Calvin teams up, “RJ can do it; he's a fast learner”

I play along, acting like the statements don't hurt, “Whatever. What you guys don't know; I'm really Catwoman, and I land on all fours and never die,” I state.

“Catwoman?” Dalton asks, “That's hot...” he licks his lips... sexily...

“Alright, shut up; I have to take this phone call,” Ross says, and we're quiet.

For two seconds.

“He's in the hospital?” Ross asks.

“Never fear!” Dalton shouts from the front seat, right where Ross is taking his call, “Catwoman is here!” he finishes.

“Okay, it's just a sprain, that's good,” he pauses, and winces, “Yeah, he'll have to stay off that for a while,”

“Elina will nurse him back to health!” Riley shouts, “With her sexy Catwoman powers, he'll be back on his feet in no time! But he will have the uncontrollable urge to lick himself for months afterward...” she finishes, sounding slightly confused at the end.

I smack my forehead and sigh, “Okay, I'm not Catwoman anymore!” I shout, “I'm... uh....” I start, scrambling for a girl superhero/villain, “Poison Ivy!” I shout, regretting it completely.

Everyone, even Holland this time, joins in on the excited teasing directed at me.

I sink into my seat, a pout on my face. The Poison Ivy teasing is worse, “Can I be Catwoman again? I like her better,” I ask sadly.

“Of course,” Dalton says, patting my head, “She's sexier, anyway. Fits you better,”

I beam at him, then realize, “Wait, how far does it go when a gay guy thinks you're sexy?” I ask.

“Not very far,” Holland shakes her head, “Not very far,”

“Okay, we'll be there in five minutes,” Ross finishes, closing his phone, “Thanks for keeping it down,” he says sarcastically.

“You're welcome,” Riley beams.

“Now can I know where we're going?” I ask, exasperated.

“The mall,” he smirks.

“But... but you said we weren't!” I complain.

“We weren't,” he says simply, “Now we are.”

I smack my forehead, “Well, it won't take us 'five minutes' to get there,” I murmur.

“Yeah, we're going to a different mall,” Dalton says, “Duh,”

“Well, I'm sorry I don't know all the malls within a five mile radius at all times,” I retort.

“One on the perks of being gay; you get different senses,” he smiles proudly.

Calvin suddenly gasps, “My Homo Senses are tingling!” he mocks.

Everyone laughs; even Dalton. It's nice to know he can laugh at himself and truly mean it.

It's also nice to know that the attention is off me.

“Who were you talking to on the phone?” I ask Ross, curiosity about the call finally catching up to me.

“Matt told Zack to call me; Jack sprained his ankle so Matt was busy with him,”

“Wait,” Riley suddenly stops laughing at Dalton's expense, “You were talking to Zack on the phone while we were teasing Elina about Catwoman?” she asks, a giggle in her voice.

“Yeah,” Ross laughs, getting the humor of it all.

Why does Jesus hate me?

“Oh,” Holland says, wiping tears of laughter from her eyes, “how embarrassing,”

“It's okay,” RJ comforts, “Just show him some sexy Cat-like moves; and he'll forget all about it,” he's bursting out laughing by the end of the sentence.

“Just pull out your Cat-whip and he'll be so stunned...” Calvin can't even finish his joke.

I sigh, pouting. We pull into the parking lot about two minutes later.

“Okay, here's the deal,” Ross begins, “we'll go shopping, then meet at the food court at...” he pauses to look at his watch, “Four. Any questions?” he asks.

“When do we get our money?” RJ asks.

“Right now,” he smiles, handing it out. And with that, we're off.

I went straight to Hot Topic, naturally. I wanted to buy some band tees and maybe a few Kingdom Hearts shirts.

What? It's not that weird...

I was just looking around, with Dalton and Calvin when two girls came up to us.

“Hey,” they say excitedly, “you three were at Battle of the Bands last night, weren't you?” they ask.

“Yeah,” Calvin turns on his sparkle smile, “we were You First,” he beams.

The girls almost drop dead over him, “Yeah, we're on tour now, if you want to catch our hometown date,” Dalton says.

“Really?” the girls screech, “With who?”

“All Time Low and The Maine,” I answer.

One of them looks like she's really about to faint, “Can we get your autographs?” the not-green one asks.

We sign their papers and get their Facebooks, to keep in touch with our biggest fans. It's our first encounter with screaming fangirls and it's exciting. After they're done being starstruck, we get the rest of the band who's just a store over at Spencer's Gifts, and we hang out. At least, until their moms come and pick them up.

“See you later!” RJ calls.

“Yeah, when you guys get home, give us a call,” Natalie says, pulling Stephanie with her.

When they were gone, I sigh, “I love fans,”

“They were our first, we'll always remember them,” Dalton sighs along with me.

Shopping... for clothes, mainly. I need new clothes, right? Dress to impress?

A teacher's salary isn't enough to provide for a teenager, even with a second job on the side. Wait, my mom lost her teachers license for having 'sexual relations with a student'.

At least she made a few dollars, right?

My mom seriously disgusts me to no end. How can you put your daughters around that? Ever since my aunt died, she had to make ends meet some other way.

I guess you can guess what that was.

Dad dies; we need money. Auntie steps in and helps us out a lot, since she has no one else to provide for. She was a lesbian with no children or partner. Auntie dies; we need money again.

Except this time: no one is there to fall back on.

I sigh and shake the nagging thoughts from my head. I look at myself in the mirror of the changing room. I'm wearing red skinny jeans with rows and rows of holes in them from just under the pocket down to the ankle. There's black fishnets underneath.

I slip off the shirt I came in and grab the one up for debate. I already bought it from Hot Topic, but I want to see how it looks with these pants.

It's an Adventure Time shirt. The one that says “A Double Rainbow” with the two unicorns stretching over Jake and says “What does it mean?” on the back.

It doesn't look bad so I put the pants in the buy pile and dive into a new pair of clothes.

X

By the time three o'clock rolled around, I was tired of shopping and I still had 150 dollars left. I guess I wasn't going to get that new guitar after all...

I had already bought 4 pairs of pants, 2 pajama pants, 3 pairs of shorts (sleeping, swimming, and normal), 5 tank tops/camisoles, and, like, 5 shirts. Oh, and don't forget the shoes and the jewelry and makeup.

We got to the mall just in time for all the back to school sales. So everything was at least half off. At least. Most schools around here start tomorrow, so it was up to 80% off, not to mention I tend to hang around the clearance rack.

Hey, it's just what I'm used to. Plus, when I look at fashion, I only look every once in a while, so when I see something I like, I normally don't get around to buying it until it's on clearance.

I'm super lazy when it comes to shopping. I hate it, it just reminds me of how not up-to-date I am. And it reminds me that I can't decide what's cool and what's not.

I figure if someone's selling it: someone else is buying, right?

Dalton has become my shopping buddy: he figures I'm the one that needs the most help, I suppose. Plus, the girls need to buy bras and panties still. Holland and Riley went with each other, and I went with Dalton because... well.. he's gay: he won't mind being around women's underwear.

“Alright... underwear...” he begins, “how do you girls shop for this kind of thing?” he asks.

I smack my forehead. I knew I should have went with Holland and Riley, but I was still in Van's Off the Wall trying on shoes when they left.

“Uh, well... we kind of just look around and... see what we like?” I reply.

“Okay... well... what's your favorite color?” he asks just as we arrive at the section of Rue 21.

A few girls give him a dirty look for being in the women's underwear aisle, so he flips them the bird.

“I like purple, I guess. I don't really have a favorite color. Green, too,”

“Then we'll find you purple and green panties,” Dalton smiles. I roll my eyes and we continue looking.

He points out a few pairs suitable for Catwoman, and I punch him in the arm.

“Drop it, okay?” I state with malice.

“Okay, okay... for now,”

X

By the time we're done: I've spent almost 80 dollars just on underwear and bras. I did buy 10 pairs of panties and 3 bras... but still! Everything in Rue 21 was 75% off... I'm not a smart spender...

I didn't go to Victoria's Secret because well... I don't know. I guess I wouldn't be comfortable shopping in that store with a guy, no matter how gay.

So I spent 80 dollars, and now I have 70 left...

We head to Victoria's Secret to meet up with Holland and Riley, and so I can check out the fragrance section. I got lip gloss and lotion from Bath and Body Works, but I needed some Love Spell. It's an obsession.

X

Okay, so now I have about 100 bags lined up on my arms and we're finally headed to the food court.

Dalton and I sit down next to Ross, who doesn't have any bags beside him, “Didn't you buy anything?” Dalton asks.

“It's in the van,” he states simply, eating some ice cream. Every time he looks at Dalton, I can just see the love and care in his eyes. Dalton deserves it, for all he's been through. But it always makes me jealous. Not even Erin looked at me quite like that; her's was just sisterly love. I can't remember if my mom ever even thought of me like that and my dad, well...

I don't really remember my dad.

The point is; no one's ever looked at me with that certain fatherly glow in their eyes. It makes me go insane with wonder. I wonder what it's like the first time someone looks at you like that. Do you feel the same warm glow? I wonder if the people who have it take it for granted or if they even notice.

But most of all it makes me wonder when my chance to feel that is going to come. Don't I deserve it too?

“Okay,” RJ chirps, “we're here! Let's get this party started,”

“I ordered a pizza,” Riley says, sitting down across from me.

“A pizza?” Calvin asks, “You do realize that I will eat that much, right?”

“I ordered a pizza for all of us, then, if thinking that will make you happy,” Riley rolls her eyes.

“I don't want pizza,” I state quietly. I don't really feel like eating right now.

“What will you eat then?” Dalton asks me, taking a sip from his Jones Soda. Seriously? Did he pull those things out of his rump?

“Ross' ice cream,” I say playfully, reaching across the table and stealing his cup, taking a huge bite.

“It's coffee flavored,” he states, just as I realize.

I don't want to be rude and spit it back into the cup, but I don't want to swallow it either, so, instead, I spit it out onto the table.

That wasn't very logical.

“Ewww!” Calvin and RJ whine in unison. I grab a napkin and wipe it up.

“Shut up,” I grimace, the flavor still invading my mouth. I hate coffee with a burning passion. I don't know why, but ever since my sophomore year of high school, the smell has literally made me sick.

Whatever comments they were about to make are silenced when The Maine walk up to the table, shades and hats on full display.

“Hey,” Garret says casually.

“All Time Low should be here soon,” John Ohh adds after a series of greetings.

I give a little mental shriek. Partly because I was about to meet my favorite band for last, oh, about 2 YEARS! And partly because my favorite person in said band heard all the teasing my band did about the whole Catwoman thing over the phone.

We sit around, eat pizza, (Riley did buy everyone their own pizza, but it worked out when The Maine showed up) and talked mainly about the tour.

“So is this your first tour?” Jared asks us as a group. We all fall silent afterwards, and all of my band's eyes are on me.

“Uh, no.” I state, “But we had to drop out of our first one because I had a death in the family,” I say simply. I don't want to tell them the whole story; we'll save that for another day. And, thankfully, they don't pry any further.

“Alright, here's our final copy of the set list,” John says, he's been working on it since they got here.

He put it in the center of the table, letting everyone look at it.

“Aww...” Riley juts her bottom lip out, “'Into Your Arms' isn't on there...”

John gives a rueful smile and takes the list back; no doubt to change that little pout Riley's got on. Oh yeah, John totally digs her.

“Hey, I didn't get to see if 'Fuel to the Fire' was on there,” Dalton complains.

“It is,” John grunts simply. Not into Dalton too much, though... I smile to myself.

“What songs are you guys doing? Our lists are due tomorrow, since that's the first day of traveling, ” Pat asks us.

“Oh um...” Holland speaks, “You guys listened to our stuff?”

“Yeah! You guys are good,” Kennedy assures, “Please tell me you put 'Regrets' on there,” he says, pulling his hands into a prayer stance.

“Yeah, that song is really powerful,” Garret agrees, “Who does that one?”

“Our little Lina does it all by herself,” Calvin coos and pinches my cheeks. I smack his hand away.

“I miss you with a pain that leaves me numb” Jared quotes, “I love that line,”

“Yeah,” John agrees, “break ups can be tough,” he states.

Oh, so that's what they chalked it up to. I'm almost angry at them to think it was something as stupid as a boy that I wrote that about. No, I've never written a song about a boy. Never have, and I probably never will.

Oh, well. It's better they think that than they know what's it's really about.

We talk some more about our set list, and then they show up. All Time Low.

Dalton, as usual squeals at the mere sight of Jack Barakat, and I... well I stay seated. I'm not loud starstruck I'm oh-my-God-it's-really-them-*aneurysm* starstruck.

It's kind of a problem.

After everything settles down, Ross gives proper introductions, “This is Dalton, our drummer,” he points out, going down a line of You First members “and Calvin our singer, Riley our bassist, Holland our guitarist, RJ our techie, and Elina, our keyboardist,” we all give our own form of greeting towards them, mine being a small nod and even smaller smile. I like the fact that when he pointed me out, the guys took one look and immediately looked away. Not.

I really didn't like the fact that Zack looked at me with question in his eyes and said, “Catwoman?”

Oh, Great Buddha above ... shoot me now.