When I Look at the Stars, I Feel Like Myself

Holland seriously worried me back there. She looked like she was about to keel over and die. I don't know what's wrong with her, but I know it's definitely not good.

“Elina,” Calvin called to me, and I turned around to face him.

“Hey, Calvin,” I greet.

“You doing okay?” he asks, his eyebrows pulled together.

“Yeah, I'm just worried about Holland, she seems... Well, not different, since she hasn't changed,” she really looked like she was about to buy the farm. I don't think I could handle anyone else dying on me.

Scratch that, I know I can't.

“She seems...” He pauses in thought, “conflicted,” he nods, “Like she's been hiding something, and she doesn't know if she can keep it a secret very much longer,”

My eyes light up, “That's exactly it!” I exclaim, nodding.

“I would suggest we go talk to her, but... she's off with Jack,”

“Oh,” my face falls. Jack cheers her up, he's good for her. But I really want her to open up to us, as a band. I don't like all the secrets.

But, I guess I shouldn't be talking about keeping secrets.

“Jack's good for her,” Calvin soothes, “she's practically a whole different person around him,”

“I know. It's just... I care about her, you know?”

Calvin sets a hand on my shoulder, pulling me into a comforting hug,“I know,” he assures, “I know,”

X

“So,” Dalton begins in the back room of our tour bus. He and Ross called for a 'band meeting'. Probably discussing what we're going to do after this tour.

But, I don't want it to end. When this tour ends, I'll just have to go back to my miserable home life. The life where I have to go to school, the life where when I get home from said school, everything's dead silent because no one cares enough to stick around for me.

Not to mention, Zack won't be there. I feel like a weight has been pulled off my chest. He knows. He knows about my feeling for Dalton. He got me to tell him, in his own way, something I would never tell my gay best friend.

Not many people can do that.

“So,” Riley says, urging him to go on.

“As you all know,” Ross picks up, “Halloween is coming up soon,” Dalton is smiling brightly beside him.

“And it gives me the excuse to dress you girls,” he gestures to the three of us, sitting in a row, “up as complete sluts. The only other time I can do that is if you're performing a Santa-themed dance at Christmas time!” he exclaims.

I grimace, “No, Dalton,” I assert, “ I'm not going to dress like a hooker,” believe me, I know what that looks like.

“Oh, no, Elina,” he has a very, very devious smirk on his face, “I already know how I'm dressing you,”

I'll admit that I am a little frightened of what Dalton can, and most likely will, put me into.

But only to myself.

“Um, I'm dressing myself,” Riley says, “Sorry, Dal. I kind of already had an idea planned out, anyway,”

“Yeah, me too,” Holland looks apologetically.

I give them my best, 'how could you do this to me,' look. With two of his Barbies gone, he will go all out on me.

“I'm scared,” I whimpered.

“As you should be,” RJ grimaced from beside me.

X

I walk down to the breakfast room in the hotel we spent the night at. Stifling a yawn, I pour some milk into my bowl full of cereal and take a seat at the table All Time Low is sitting at. As unbelievable as it sounds, we're the first ones up.

That was my fault. Alex left the window open, and a moth flew in. I'm terrified of those things.

It flew right over my eyes, and landed on my nose. At first, I was just staring at it in disbelief, then the fear started settling in. I screamed a few times, and jumped from the bed. I did the 'get-it-off-me dance' and got tangled in my blanket. Then I fell and bumped my head on the corner of the TV ridiculously hard.

Zack was the first one to rush over to the roll-away bed where I was sleeping and ask me what was wrong.

But, when I told him, he laughed in my face.

“Ha, really? A-a moth?” he had bent over laughing. The whole time, I was just pouting at him.

“It was really big!” I tried to justify, “And ugly, too! And it... and it looked at me funny,”

Everyone was up after that, and it was five in the morning. I had just barely closed my eyes when that incident occurred.

I hate life right now. The only good thing that will come out of being off tour is a regular sleeping schedule. And eating schedule.

Zack's been watching me closely, to make sure I'm eating. Ever since that time on his bus, when I almost passed out. That's the problem with me, if there's not a set time for something, I won't do it. If it weren't for school, I'd never eat lunch a day in my life.

Or go to science class, but that's for a whole different reason.

When I get to the table, they are discussing nicknames for each other. Most of them are either vulgar or stupid, though I did like 'Lexi' for Alex.

“Let me give you some of my special nicknames for you guys!” I exclaim weakly, “I'm extra good at making terribly cute names.

“Go for it,” Alex says.

“Okay,” I begin, pointing to each member as I go along, only thinking for a split-second for each, “You, Rian, are Ri-Ri. You, Jack, are Jacky-wacky. Zack is Zackykins. And Alex...” I pause, in thought. What kind of cute nickname can you make out of Alex? The only one I could think of is 'Lexi-poo' but I don't like that one...

“Yes?” Alex says eagerly.

“You can be Lovemuffin.” I dismiss, waving a hand.

“Lovemuffin?” he questions, pulling a face.

“Yes, I can't think of a good one for 'Alex',” I reply truthfully.

Everyone has weird looks on their faces, but I'm too tired to deal with anything. I throw away my now empty cereal bowl, and go back to the table, where conversations have ensued yet again. Those boys just could not shut up to save their lives. To save anyone really. If there were some burglar that would kill anyone that made a peep, All Time Low would be the first ones down.

“Are you okay?” Zack asks me sincerely, “You look...”

I cut him off, “Tired? Yeah, I didn't get any sleep, I haven't for a while,” I leave out that the specific day I got more than an hour was the time I slept in his bunk. He doesn't need to know these things.

“Need a cuddle buddy?” he grins at me, holding his arms apart for me to snuggle into.

I do, and return the hug, sighing gently, “That would be great,”

I hear various coos from the band and crew, but not much after that.

I was dead to the world.

X

When we stop at the venue, Ross and the other managers take out their clipboards a start discussing with each other. Not long after that, they call for all three bands to their sides.

“We have already discussed this with the individual bands, but we would like to address you as a group,” Tim Kirch, the manager of The Maine began.

“It's about the Halloween party and how it will take place,” Matt elaborates

“Last night, we got everyone's costumes, and they are as follows:” Ross clears his throat.

I never heard about costumes. Were we supposed to decide already?

“So, from All Time Low we have The Legend of Zelda cosplaying, as requested by Elina,”

Yeah, that was me. I gave them the idea last night when they were talking about it. They had decided they wanted to go as a group, but they didn't know what to be.

And anyway, Jack makes a perfect Skull Kid.

“Alex will be Link, of course. Jack is Skull Kid, Zack is Ganon, and Rian is Tael. For The Maine we have Final Fantasy VII cosplaying, as requested by Dalton,”

Dalton gives me a high-five. We've got the other two bands to be something nerdy.

I like it.

Matt takes over now. I guess they figure it's nice to have a change in voices every once in a while, “John will be Zack Fair, Jared is Cid Highwind, Kennedy is Sephiroth, and Pat is Vincent Valentine. Garret will be going as Cloud. Is that right?”

The two bands just addressed nod their heads in conformation, and I stare at Pat, hoping he'll make a good Vincent.

Remember how Dalton is with Jack? Well, that's how I am with Vincent Valentine. Extreme drooling. I also do that with Zack, but John's playing him, and Riley called dibs.

Figuratively, of course.

“Now for You First,” Tim sighs, looking down at the writing scrawled on the papers, “You guys are so random and... weird,”

We all smile proudly, showing off our teeth, as if rehearsed. We get this a lot.

“Anyhow,” he dismisses, continuing with the list. I hope he'll say I didn't come up with one, when he gets to the end of the list, “Riley will be an angel, Holland a fairy, Dalton and Ross will be Ash Ketchem and Brock from Pokemon, RJ will be a Panda Bear, and Elina and Calvin are...” He trails off, squinting at the tiny writing.

Really? It's like the gods plant unwanted suspense on me, just to watch me suffer. Calvin and I are paired up as something that's relevant to each other, that much is clear. But what?

I've never been a very patient person.

Tim flips on his glasses and mouths the words to himself. The guy can't even read his own hand writing? Now, this is just ridiculous!

“Calvin and Elina will go as Batman and Catwoman,”

…

What?

“The details on the party are still being worked out. We just wanted to let you know who was dressing up as who,”

I glare at Dalton who gives me a satisfied smirk. He leans down to my ear, and whispers, “I didn't think you got enough punishment for drinking my Jones that one night,”

“Sound check!” RJ calls, setting up for us on stage.

Dalton turns away with a satisfied smirk, and I stare, wide-eyed, open-mouthed, at his retreating back.

If he thinks I'm getting into a full body leather suit, he's crazy.

X

I pound on the keys four times, the ending of our second song. Dalton pounds on his cymbals, his signal of 'let's do that again'. But Calvin jumps right into the introductions.

“Wow!” he shouts to the crowd, “You guys up here,” he gestures to a group of girls at the front of the stage, “you're just going crazy,”

They scream in response and one of them even cares to add, “You're so hot!”

“Well, thank you. That's very flattering,” he touches the space over his heart, and his eyelashes flutter down, “I'm Calvin, the bassist is Riley, our guitarist is Holland,” each gives a small nod in response, waiting for Calvin to finish before saying anything, “Dalton is our drummer,” he shoves his thumb in the direction of the drum set, and Dalton doesn't hesitate to give his response, he pounds on the bass pedal, and the cymbals a few times. When he's finished, he rolls his eyes and continues, “Anyway, our keyboardist, Elina, is the baby of the band,”

He bends down slightly to pinch my cheeks, closer to the corner of my mouth. I snap my head over and open my mouth. My teeth clamp down on his fingers, “Ouch!” he yelps, “And feisty, too,”

“You know it,” I say, setting a hand on my hip, “Without me, this band wouldn't be around,” I point out.

I'm not taking all the credit, everyone in this band plays a very important role. But it's true.

Of course, they never had to agree to come to practice. I just asked them, and they accepted.

Though, I did find a guitarist and bassist when we needed one.

“This is true,” Calvin confirms, placing a finger on his chin.

“So maybe you should be nicer to her,” Dalton points out in his microphone. He only has one because in one of the songs in our set he sings/screams. Though, he does prefer to express himself through his instrument when he can.

“This is also true,” he says, finger still on his chin.

“Dalton, you should talk,” I say, turning to him, “you give me the worst crap out of anyone in the band,”

“Now, this is true,” Calvin puts in, but the two of us ignore him.

“Yeah, but that's because I'm your best friend, and you love me,” he states, smiling.

My heart drops involuntarily. Somewhere in the calm part of my mind, I know I shouldn't be worrying about the comment, since he makes similar ones more often than not.

But the frantic part of my mind is still on edge from Zack finding out. Dalton doesn't know, does he? He can't know, he just can't. I've hidden it well. But Zack figured it out.

Zack is... Zack is a different case. He can see right through me, I'm not sure how much he knows, but doesn't let on. I hope he doesn't know too much.

“Okay,” Riley interjects into my close-to-hysteria, “Let's cut the banter, we've got a show to play,” she winks at the crowd, “You guys ready?” she yells.

Scattered screams are heard, and Holland jumps into the intro to our next song, and I try to concentrate on my notes and keys. It'll be hard, but I will get through the song.

But Erin's song is next, and I won't be able to just focus on the notes during that, since I have to sing it, too.

My concentration pattern is odd. I have to think about the notes and the words, but while I'm playing or singing, my mind wanders.

And I can't skip the song again, Ross won't allow it just because 'I don't want to think right now,'. I'm tired, still. Even though I slept until the venue, on All Time Low's tour bus. I just want to snuggle into Zack's warm chest and sleep for a year. When I couldn't sleep at Dalton's house, I'd sleep in his chest, but I like Zack's better.

It's stronger, and just as warm. I love Dalton, but I think I might be falling for Zack, too.

“Alright, Lina!” Calvin exclaims, snapping me out of my trance, “you're up!”

I nod, and RJ passes me my guitar, mouthing an 'Are you alright?'

Not being able to lie to that adorable face, I shake my head slightly, regretting it as soon as I saw the worry in his features spread.

“I don't want to talk about it,” I say, and turn away. I sit on the stool, and prepare myself for the song.

“This song is about someone I once knew,” I say, introducing the song that has brought me so much misery in the past.

But this time, while I'm playing, I feel something. It's her, it's Erin. I know she's around here somewhere, and she's smiling. Even though this song is written about her, indirectly. She's trying to tell me something, but my ears are ringing, and I can hear hardly anything.

It's her, and two others. My dad and my aunt are here, too. My aunt always promised that when we got a full band and went on tour, she would come see a show. Erin did too, and I'm sure my dad would have, too, if he would have had the chance.

They're promises are being fulfilled, and now I don't have any reason to regret anything, because they still love me no matter what.

But it's hard to let go of all the mistakes you've made. It's hard to forget, it's hard to forgive. It's especially hard for me to forgive myself. I always think about what I could have done better.

It's one of those 'coulda-woulda-shoulda' things.

They're here to make my load a little lighter, but they can only do that if I accept what I've done wrong, and forgive myself. I don't think I can right now.

“And all my stupid regrets,” I sing the final stretch of the song, and strum the last chord. The band comes back in from the wings, and RJ takes my guitar and the stool, carrying them backstage, out of the way.

“Well, that's great!” Calvin says sarcastically to the crowd, “Now we only have two more songs with you lovelies,”

“Shall we get started then,” Holland asks through her microphone, playing her starting chords. I follow her lead with my own notes, and soon Riley and Dalton begin, too.

It has a four measure instrument opening, but it's a fast song, so it doesn't take long for Calvin's vocals to come into play.

I get lost in this song, the experience I just had putting my mind at ease.

X

“Elina,” Zack calls from behind me, while the techies unhook his bass from All Time Low's set, “I need to talk to you,”

I nod, still on a high from performing. I walked off the stage for the last time, after singing 'Remembering Sunday' only fifteen minutes ago.

He pulls on my hand urgently, “Alone,” he whispers lowly.

I drop from my high, and my cation meter shoots up, “Why...?” I ask, backing away from him slowly.

His eyes widen, “It's nothing like that,” he assures, “I just... I know you've stuff on your mind that you feel like you can't tell anyone,”

I stare at him gently, not sure if I'm hearing him correctly. What exactly is he trying to say?

“But, you can tell me. I'm always here for you,” he rambles, “I won't get mad at you, or look at you differently if you tell me anything,” he says.

Should I trust him?

I have so far.

I sigh, “Well, Zacky-kins... where should I start?”