When I Look at the Stars, I Feel Like Myself

I managed to stay awake for the Maine's set, but I was fading fast. I hadn't slept at all last night, meaning I was going almost two days without any sleep. I lean against the wall, as John and the rest of the band exit the stage, John leading. “Hey, Riley.” He greeted, pecking my cheek.

I looked around quickly, the only ones who saw were his band. I wasn't exactly sure why, but I was a little nervous about the rest of You First finding out about John and I. I mean, we hadn't even formally defined our relationship. And I wasn't going to be the one who brought that subject up with him.

“You okay, Ri?” He asked after not earning much of a response from me.

I nodded slightly, feeling a little light headed as my eye began to droop, “Just a little tired.” I slurred, “I didn't sleep last night. Did you know that, after 17 hours without sleep, your senses are impaired enough to be considered drunk?” I spewed.

“You kind of do sound drunk,” John agreed, wrapping an arm around my waist for support.

“I haven't stay awake this long since the day after I was considered 'cured' and my brothers insisted we build a fort in the basement and play video games.” I chuckled tiredly, letting some of my weight rest against John. “To keep me awake, they literally poured ice cold water on me. It was great.”

“Whoa, Riles, didn't know you were starting the party without me.” Dalton laughed, as John led me out to the buses with me stumbling alongside him even though he was holding most of my weight.

“She's just sleep deprived. Did you know that after 17 hours of being awake, you could be considered legally drunk because you're so disoriented?” John relayed my useless fact to Dalton, one I had told him before.

“She told you that one too? She has a knack for remembering useless things...” Dalton smacked John's back as he continued back into the venue.

“I'm going to take you to your bunk, okay?” He asked.

“Noooo.” I groaned, “The rest of the band will come and be all...loud and stuff.” I grumbled. Even though I was so tired, the fact that John's arm was wrapped so securely around my waist was, to put it simply, keeping me awake due to the pure electricity that flowed from his fingertips and into my side.

Momentarily, I worried about the well-being of my internal organs. That is, until John's voice cut through the sleepy haze surrounding my mind, “Do you want me to take you to my bunk? I can keep the guys reasonably quiet...”

I give a noise of agreement. “You know, sometimes I worry a lot...”

“What?”

“About...Holland...I don't think you can tell, but, she's gotten thinner. And, poor Elina, she had to go through all of that terrible stuff, and I don't think she knows how to really cope with things as well as others do...” My ramblings were probably brought on by the delirious state being sleep deprived was putting me in.

I felt like I could sleep a million years.

“It's okay to be worried, Ri. It's natural. If your band is like a family, I could easily picture you as being the mother figure.” He replied, trying to console me.

I gave a snort of laughter, “Or Calvin.” I rolled my eyes, making myself dizzy.

“With the exception of Ross, I'd say Calvin is the dad.”

“Are you suggesting something?” I asked.

“That you and Calvin are very...parent like...?” John said innocently.

“I think you're trying to say that our family has two daddy's.” I smiled up at him, he shook his head in laughter.

“Wrong again, Riley. I was saying, if Ross wasn't as much a part of the band as you, Calvin would be the father.”

“So, now you're saying Ross and I would make a fine couple?” I loved teasing him like this, I realized.

“Oh, yeah, totally, you crazy girl.”

“Give me a break, I haven't slept in...” I held up some fingers, trying to count quickly. “Since I woke up at six o'clock yesterday morning.” I gave up on trying to count it as John punched in the security code for his bus, opening the door and trusted me enough to at least not fall down while walking up the steps without his assistance.

“Careful.” He warned, “There's probably crap spread out all over the bus, you might trip.”

Or maybe he didn't really trust me to not fall.

“Listen, when I said that I was sensically incapable of being...sober.” I explained, a confused look on my face, “It didn't mean to be taken that I treat drunk like idiot.” I jumbled up my words.

“Girl, you are a mystery. How do you go from making up your own word to using an SAT word and then going all dyslexic on me?”

I leaned in close to his face, a broad and flirtatious smile on my face, “Magic.”

“Or, you actually being a drunk idiot...without the alcohol.”

“Maybe, maybe not.” I shrugged, crawling into the bunk he motioned to me. I wasn't sure if my head actually hit the pillow before I was asleep, all I knew is that I fell asleep fast. Proving how tired I was.

When I woke up, I could feel a warm pounding on my cheek. Blinking to dispel the headache, which didn't work, and looked around. My eyes adjusted, and I looked upon John's face. From what I could understand, it was early morning, and the bus had stopped.

I rubbed my eyes, noticing John wasn't wearing a shirt. My cheeks heated up, even though there was really nothing to be embarrassed about. I mean, he was frequently shirtless. Just never frequently shirtless while I was...you know...

Sleeping with him.

In the most innocent way, of course. But, at the thought of the not innocent way, my cheeks heated further.

God, I am such a girl sometimes. A really nerdy girl.

But then again, it wasn't like we shared a bed often. The only times so far was last night and the time that I was sick.

Since I couldn't bring myself to lay back against John, I rolled onto my other side and tried falling back asleep. But, it seemed, that one kiss was making me weird. Before, I could have slept in the same bed with him a million times without a thought about...that...but, now that we've kissed and he's admitted he likes me, I couldn't think of anything but that.

His body heat radiated off of him, and I could feel its intensity through my back. A little bit later, he stirred, rolling to me and wrapping his arm around my waist. “Ri?” He whispered, half asleep.

“Yeah, John?” I answered, my voice matching his volume.

“You sleep a lot.”

“Only when I went longer than 24 hours without it.” I answered.

He kissed my temple, making me mentally swoon. “Good morning.” He greeted.

“What time is it?” I asked, and judging by the absence of light on the bus, I would guess it was still dark out. John shuffled around, looking for his phone. When he finally retrieved it from under the pillow, he relayed the time.

“5 A.M.” He answered, running a hand over his face.

“You could go back to sleep...I'm too awake now, so I could just go watch a movie or something in the back.”

John's arm tightened around my waist, and he buried his face in my neck, giving a grunted protest. “You're staying right here.” He told me.

I sighed, but sank further against John. I never really thought I'd enjoy all of this touchy-feely crap, but, with John at least, I didn't mind it one bit. In fact, I rather enjoyed the way he made my heart race, and my cheeks heat.

I never really found out the reason for my sudden panic attack that one time, but I highly suspected that it was because of the way John was pressed up against me like that. And the first time, too. It was like a running straight into a fire, licking an electric fence, and getting the wind knocked out of you at the same time. The fact that I didn't know what that feeling was, combined with not having my medication, it caused an attack.

But now that I was medicated and knew what to expect while touching John, it wasn't bad. It was less like suddenly dying and more like...I don't know...the aftereffect of running in the hot Arizona desert. Hot, a little painful, but it felt good.

“You know, 'Into Your Arms' isn't my favorite the Maine song...” I started lazily, not objecting one bit to John's request.

“Oh, yeah?” He questioned curiously, “What is then?”

“'We All Roll Along'” I answered, giving a big yawn. “Because it...speaks to me, I guess you could say.” I shrugged one shoulder. “I mean, I've always wanted to do some many things, but I was afraid to actually....you know, live. I mean...actually, I don't know how to explain it further than that...It just reminds me every time I listen to it that we shouldn't regret what we do. I'm happiest when I play, and I know that it won't necessarily last.”

“What do you mean?” John asked, shifting so his face hovered about my own, looking at the side of my face.

“We only breathe for so long.” I quoted, turning my face too look into his eyes, which appeared to be green now. I love his eyes the most when they were green. “I kind of want to get that tattooed...” I started, “It's on my list...”

“Your list?” John's eyebrows knit together. I was more awake now that we were actually talking.

I pursed my lips, turning my body around fully to face him. “Yeah...you know how in 'A Walk To Remember', she had that list and Landon helps her with it? That's where I got the idea. Only, instead of a fake tattoo, I want a real one.”

A brief flash of sadness flashed through his eyes, “Oh.” was all he said, until a few minutes later, “What are the others?”

“I only have a few, really...I haven't made any more since I started the list...” I stalled.

“And they are...?” He baited, looking cutely expectant.

“And they're kind of dumb, because I made them when I was fourteen...” I sighed before holding up five fingers, “Visit Mount Rushmore, get a tattoo, camp out under the stars in the middle of the desert, and travel around the world.”

“Well, with your band you can do the last on.” John stated obviously.

“Yup.” I nodded, proud.

“What's number five?” John asked.

“What?” I asked.

“You held up five fingers,” He took my pinkie in two of his fingers and wiggled it, “But you only said four things.” He pointed out. And, of course he would pick up on that.

“Oh.” I blinked, “I can't tell you, it's super secret...”

“Really?” He raised his eyebrows. “You sure you can't tell me?”

“I'll let you know when it happens.” I winked.

“Is it something like, 'marrying in the church that my parents were married.'?” John asked.

“You've actually seen that movie?” I asked, avoiding the question.

“It was the worst two hours of my life.”

“Aw, why? I actually like that movie...even if it hits a little too close to home...”

“It was good...but I...don't like crying, that's all. And I cried a lot during that movie.”

I laughed, showing my teeth through my smile. “You know, most guys wouldn't admit that...”

“You avoided the question, it is something like that isn't it?”

“Maybe, maybe not.” I shrugged. “Not as...okay, it's as cheesy...but..not marriage.” I was stupid and naive back then, not really knowing what I wanted when it came to life. It was completely out of the question at the time, and as I grew older I distanced myself away from that kind of affection.

My number on thing to do before I die: to fall in love mutually. Before I met John, I had pretty much given up on that one, but now it seemed like a possibility. I don't think I want to stop this anymore. I mean...John told me I shouldn't be holding back when it comes to doing the things I want to, right?

“I'll get it out of you eventually.” He warned.

“Probably.” I nodded, while stifling a small yawn and John smiled, shaking his head. He did that a lot when he was around me. I don't know what that little head shake was, but I wanted to. “What? Why do you shake your head at me all the time?” I wondered.

“Well...I just can't believe how...”

“How what?”

“Adorable you are sometimes.” He started laughing when my cheeks flushed at his complement. He swooped his head down to kiss my temple again. “Do you want to go get breakfast with me?” He asked. I thought about it, and while thinking, my stomach growled. “That answers my question...come on.” He slid out of his bunk them proceeded to help me out.

“Where will we go?” I asked as he pulled on his shirt, much to my dismay.

“Who cares?” He shrugged, taking hold of my hand and leading me out of the bus. “We'll just...commandeer a van thing and see what we can find.”

“Commandeer? You are a pirate now, John?” I giggled.

“Arrrr.” He growled in a rough pirate voice. It was kind of...sexy.

I smiled, “It's so early though, what's open?”

“Denny's is always open, along with...uhhh...”

“Denny's it is then, I guess.” I nodded.

After driving around for a good twenty minutes, I turned to John, “You're going to get us lost, we should do back and just...raid my fridge or something. I'm too hungry to go on much longer.”

“We can stop at this gas station and get some donuts and milk...” John pointed, turning in the lot before I even answered. It was close to the venue, so we could grab breakfast and then go back quickly.

“Sure, John, that sounds like a fantastic idea.” I said sarcastically, unbuckling my seat belt.

“Heyyyyy,” John whined, and I turned my head to him. The little trickster then placed a little butterfly kiss on my lips. Which almost made me forget about my hunger. As I was about to pull him in for a deeper, more fulfilling kiss, my stomach growled loudly and embarrassingly.

“I didn't each much yesterday...” I excused, trailing off.

“We better get you nourished them.” John smiled, opening his door. Hands clasped, we went to the gas station. Just as we were about to go into the actual building, we were stopped.

“Look who's here!!!!” A familiar voice yelled. Dalton.

“Have you even slept yet?” I asked both him and Elina as they rushed over to me, energy drinks in their hands.

“For about two hours but then we woke up and started to play video games. But we got bored so we walked here about a half hour ago, look at this place! It's like a freaking Walmart! It's huge!” Elina rushed.

“You're holding hands!” Dalton squealed like a teenage fan girl. “Does this mean you're together now? Did John-John and Ri-Ri finally bump uglies?” He was practically bouncing off the walls.

I groaned. “No, Dalton, we didn't 'bump uglies' whatever that means...” I rolled my eyes.

“It means you had sex.” Elina butted in. “You didn't come on the bus last night, I think you did.”

“John-John, tell the truth!” Dalton pestered.

“If you call me John-John one more time...I'll...steal all your Jones sodas.” John threatened.

“Oh, no.” Elina said, suddenly very serious.

“You'll probably want to run now,” I told John, letting go of his hand.

“What, why?” John asked, looking down at me.

“Just do i--”

But, I answered too late, and John was sprawled on the ground, Dalton on top of him. “Dalton!” Elina yelled.

There was really no reason to fret, however, because all Dalton was doing was tickling John. “Stop! Please!” John begged in between fits of laughter. This was possibly one of the strangest sites I've ever witnessed. Too strange even, to wait around.

“When you're done, I'll be in here getting donuts.” I announced, turning back towards the doors. At least, now I knew that John was ticklish. I gave myself a devilish smile as I went into the back to get the milk.

As I was looking at the donuts, debating on either powdered or chocolate covered, arms wrapped around my middle from behind. “I can't decide, which do you want?” I asked.

“You left me out there to fend for myself.”

“Sorry, Johnny, my hunger made me too weak to save you.” I covered, smiling again to myself. “Did you have fun?”

“Dalton's a weirdo.”

“We all are.” I laughed, “Answer my question, which one do you want?”

“Get both packages.” He said simply.

“Piggy, piggy, piggy.” I teased, lifting my chin to look at him. To which, he made an oinking noise at me. As we walked up to the register to pay, John still didn't let go of me, which made walking kind of awkward.

“Let me go, John.” I whined.

“No.” He refused as I pushed the door opened and continued to struggle out the door.

“If your arms are around me, how are you going to eat your donuts?” I asked, opening the package and putting a powdered one in my mouth.

“You can feed me.” He suggested, opening his mouth wide. I laughed, looking up at him again so that I could see where I was stuffing the donut. Which wasn't his mouth.

“Ow!” He exclaimed, snorting and removing his arms from around me. “That's my nose! I just snorted powdered sugar!”

“Neener-neener!” I taunted. “I thwarted you!” As he was rubbing his nose and getting all the donut residue from his upper lip, I climbed into the front seat of the van.

“Do you even have your license?” He asked, peering at me curiously.

“Psshhhhh, yeah, totally.” I rolled my eyes, holding my hand out for the keys.

“Not until I see it.” John demanded, holding his own hand out.

“It's in my bag in the bus.” I excused, poking him. “Don't worry about it.”

“No, what if we get pulled over? I'll be held responsible...maybe. I'm not really sure how those things work.”

“Naw, we won't get pulled over...I am a great driver.”

“Fine, but if I find out you don't actually have your license...I won't talk to you for a good three hours.” He said, handing me the keys. I waited until John was seated and buckled and the keys were in the ignition.

“I can live with that.” I smiled as I pulled out.

“Wait!” John exclaimed, “You lied to me!”

“Psshhhh, I have my learner's. I just haven't gotten around to getting my license.” I shrugged, “It's not a big deal, there's like half a mile until the venue, I won't get pulled over.” I insisted.

As I said it, lights flashed in the rear view. “Oh my god, I'm going to get arrested.” John ran his hand over his face. I saw Dalton and Elina up ahead, they had turned back at the flashing lights and were pointing and laughing at us, not longer walking back to the venue.

“Calm down, maybe he won't even ask for my stuff.”

“Wishful thinking. Maybe if you flash him, he'll let us off.” John suggested.

“I'm not flashing a police officer!” I exclaimed, rolling down my window to talk to the cop.

“Ma'am.” The officer looked up, and, apparently judged me by how young I looked. My cheeks heated at the fact that he could have possible heard my last statement. “Are you aware you have a tail light out?”

“No, I didn't, officer.” I replied cordially.

“Can I see your license and registration?” He asked. Could they even ask that if they were just warning of a light out? Again, he probably only asked because of how young I am. John sucked in a breath beside me.

“Uhhh...how much in trouble would I be if I said I didn't have it with me?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.

“I'll need your name and birth date to look you up on the system.”

“I only have my permit...” I stated. The officer looked like this situation couldn't possibly get worse.

“Is he 21?” He said, motioning to John.

I was relieved, something that apparently wasn't against the law, “Yeah, he is.” I nodded.

“Then I'll need to see his license.” The officer elaborated when none of us moved. John quickly searched his pants pockets and pulled out his wallet, handing over the plastic card.

“You're a long way from home.” The officer stated, looking over it momentarily and handing it over. “I'll let you off with a warning this time, but you.” He pointed at me, and looked at my ashen face with stern eyes, “Permit on you at all times when driving and you.” He turned his gaze on John, “I don't care how cute you think she is, don't let her drive without her permit and get this tail light fixed.”

I let out the breath I didn't realize I was holding and turned to John as the officer walked back to his cruiser. “Want to switch?” I asked.

“Yeah.” John nodded, already out of his seat belt.

We drove about a block to where Elina and Dalton were still laughing and picked them up. “What was that all about?” Dalton asked.

“We have a tail light out.” Was all John offered up.

“You got caught by the fuzz!” Elina exclaimed. With that said, we drove to the venue, the only sounds were Elina and Dalton's hyperactive chatting.