When I Look at the Stars, I Feel Like Myself

I have a bad habit of forgetting what happens just before I fall asleep. Most of the time, I remember, it's only when something majorly important happens that I forget.

Take two weeks ago, for example. I told Dalton that I love him, and when we woke up two hours later, I forgot all about it.

It wasn't until we were performing the day after that I remembered. The memory was triggered by Dalton saying, “I love you,” like he does every few days.

I've been trying to avoid him since then.

He probably doesn't even remember, since he's not weird around me. Or he didn't take it seriously. I can't imagine that he wouldn't, though, because of how I said it. I said it with such conviction, and so much meaning.

I sounded like I was straight out of a teen soap like Degrassi.

I suddenly laugh out loud. This was like Degrassi. That one chick, I can't remember her name, fell in love with Marco.

“I love you, Marco,”

“I'm gay,”

Still laughing, I walk into the store, catching up with everyone.

“What's so funny?” Calvin asks, a look of confusion on his face.

“Nothing,” I say, a giggle escaping my throat, “I just thought of something funny,”

“What might that be?”

“I love you, Marco,” I say in my best girly-girl voice, “I'm gay,” I say, loud and convincing.

“Uh-huh,” RJ and Calvin say simultaneously.

“I know that's a Degrassi reference, but how is it so funny?” Dalton asks, and I look at Riley, who has her thoughts etched across her face.

'What's Degrassi...?'

One look at Dalton, and my smile drops from my face. This wasn't funny. This was torture. His smile, his face, those eyes. Those lips. All I want is a taste of them again.

“I don't know,” I say, turning away, “It was funnier in my head,”

We're in a costume shop, Halloween is coming up soon. You First went all together, with the exception of Holland. I doubt it was a good idea on her part to put Dalton in charge of her costume.

One representative from The Maine, and one from All Time Low is also here. We're in charge of their costumes, too, since they don't know exactly what to get.

Garret is here for The Maine, and I have no problem with that. I like Garret, he doesn't bother me, and he tells me funny jokes. We watch Kekkaishi together.

It's the rep from All Time Low that's pissing me off.

Jack stayed behind with Holland, Alex is preoccupied by webcamming with Seirra, and Rian is doing the same, only his is in the form of non-stop texting and with Kara. And who does that leave?

I applaud you for your knowledge of All Time Low members, if you guessed Zack.

Zachary Steven Merrick. Could life get much worse?

“Alright!” Dalton chirps, “Let's split into groups! Riley, Calvin, and RJ can be in one group, and Garret, Elina, Zack, and I will be in the other.

“Calvin's group will be in charge of Ross, Holland, and their own costumes. My group will be in charge of... the rest!” he exclaims.

“You put a lot of thought into this, didn't you?” Riley asks, after standing beside the people she was grouped with.

“Yup!” he yells, popping the 'p'.

“Doesn't it make more sense to put one of us with the other group, that way we can divide the work more evenly,” I pipe up. I really don't want to spend almost a whole day with two of the people I'm trying my hardest to avoid. One of them gone would do wonders for me, and both of them gone will be even better. Though, I would like to hang out with Garret; he's so adorable.

“Lina, you silly girl,” he says, patting my head, “If both of us are on the same team, then we can put our brain power together and come up with the best nerdy costumes ever!”

This does make sense, but I don't want to be in this group. It's awkward.

My phone rings in the pocket of my skinny jeans, jolting me out of whatever trance I was in as our 'team' walked down the aisles of the costume shop. As I look at the caller ID, I vaguely hear Dalton say something to a store clerk about their 'finest Catwoman suit', and tune out.

It's my mom. And as much as I don't want to, I have to take this.

“Hello?” I say as I walk out a back entrance to the store.

“Elina. Where are you?” she screamed into the receiver. I may have caught her when she was drunk to sign the permission form to go on tour.

“I'm on tour,” I reply hesitantly.

“Since when?”

Anger suddenly boils up inside me. She really didn't notice until now that I've been gone for almost two months now?

“Since the beginning of September,”

“Who said you could go?”

“YOU DID! YOU SIGNED THE FUCKING PAPER!” I shriek.

“You must have forged it,” she accused.

I scoff, “You have no idea how many papers you've signed for me while you were drunk,” I reply, “I got to take Driver's Ed, Sex Ed, I got the job at the ice cream shop, I got into rated R movies--”

“You took advantage of me while I was drunk?” she asks in a disbelieving tone.

“Honestly, mother, if you're shocked by this you'd have a heart attack knowing what your clients do to you while you're drunk,”

“What I do for a living is none of your business,”

“Oh, but it is mother. What the hell am I supposed to say when someone asks me where my mom works? 'Oh, she has a fine position at the whorehouse'?” I hiss, “But even that wouldn't be true. You work in bed,”

I can practically hear my mother fuming on the other end, “If this is what I get every time I worry over you, you can expect that I won't--”

I cut her off, “Oh, but you never worry over me. You never did, not even when Auntie was alive. I've been gone for two months and you've just called to see where I was?” She tries to speak, but I'm not even close to being finished, “I'm not shocked, actually. I'm actually surprised you did notice. I was expecting to get back, and have you not notice I'd even left,”

“Elina, that's not fair. I've been busy lately,”

“Yeah, real busy,” I reply suggestively, “Don't try to deny it, mom. You and I both know what you are,”

There's a silence between us, my mom daring me to say it, and me daring her to claim she works at the bank, like always.

“I always notice when you're not here,” she whispers.

“Then how come you didn't call until now?”

“Because I know you never want to talk to me!”

This is just an act. She's playing the 'Boohoo, poor me. I'm so lonely, feel sorry for me' game. It used to work, but it won't ever again.

“Yeah, you notice all right. You found Erin, didn't you? How long was she laying there, hm? A day? Two? A week? You probably only went in to check on her because you wanted her to go to the store for you while you took care of some people.”

And just then, I know I've crossed the line. I'm never supposed to bring up Erin in a fight, unless I want an earful of my mother's shrill voice.

But I don't care. My mom deserves this, for all she's put me through.

“Elina, you listen to me. If I ever hear you say something like that again, you won't live to see the next day,”

“So, a few days, then?” I say, before hanging up.

I don't know how long I've been sitting here, shaking with anger, but pretty soon, I fall asleep. I cry myself to sleep in a back alley.

X

“So,” Dalton chirps from the front seat, “We've got Holland's, mine, Ross', Riley's, half of Elina's, and Calvin's costume. Who's left?”

Various forms of ,'me' can be heard throughout the vehicle, but I pay no attention.

“Hey, can you take me back to the venue,” I ask Garret, who's driving the fifteen passenger van, “I don't feel so hot,”

“But you are hot,” Dalton complains, “At least, you will be, as soon as we find you a corset and a miniskirt,”

I sigh, observing the costume,“This doesn't exactly say, 'Catwoman'. You didn't even get me a mask...” I say, holding up the black cat ears and tail from the bag.

“We all agreed that you would look funny in the mask,” Dalton explains, “You wouldn't look the same if you couldn't tease your hair,”

“Just think of this as a...” RJ trails off, thinking of the right word, “Modern Catwoman,”

I nod slowly, showing that I didn't really understand, but to let it go, “Just take me back to the venue,” I command, when we come up on the exit.

“No, we're shopping for costumes, and I need your help,” Dalton says, pouting at me, “Please?”

He gives me the puppy dog eyes, and I sigh, “Fine, but can we listen to something else?” I ask, complaining about our band's latest EP blaring through the speakers.

I find it really conceited to listen to your own band nonstop. I like our music, don't get me wrong. But I like other music, too.

“Like what?” Dalton asks, after playing his own drum part.

“I don't know... something else.. We Are the in Crowd?” I suggest, but immediately regret it.

I hear a squeal from Dalton, and excited chatter from Calvin and RJ.

“Jordan is so hot,” Dalton states.

“No, Taylor's the sexiest thing on the planet,” Calvin argues.

“I would go gay for Rob,” RJ admits.

“So...” I interrupt, “WATIC it is?” I reach up to the front of the van, pop out our CD, and shove in 'Guaranteed to Disagree'.

'Carry Me Home' fills the van, and Calvin and I sing along together.

X

“I don't know... This shade of green doesn't look right,” Dalton points out.

“I still think he should be Link in his Zora clothes,” I state.

“But, even if you haven't played Zelda, then you might get who he is,” Dalton says, “If we dress him up as the Zora version, then people might not get it,”

“Whatever, let's just find another costume,”

Now, we search for a Skull Kid costume for Jack, and Dalton talks animatedly to me about how good Jack will look as the stupid character.

I like Jack, and Skull Kid is pretty cool. Looking. The little punk is so annoying when you have to chase him around forever.

I always hated that part of every game...

Sooner or later, we have everyone from All Time Low's costumes, and are working on The Maine's.

“This is the perfect SOLDIER outfit!” Dalton exclaims, holding up the bag. Yeah, we're in a Cosplay store... I didn't think there was such a thing, but apparently, there is.

“But it's only 2nd Class,” I point out.

Dalton huffs, “Yeah, they come in different Classes,”

“Oh,”

“Should we buy two, or dress Garret up as 'Advent Children' Cloud?”

“Hmmm...” I murmur, examining the band member in question, “Advent Children,” I answer.

“Okay, let's go find that,” Dalton pulls on my hand, and stops anyone from following us, even Garret, and it's his costume.

“Why are we going alone?” I ask, a little panicky.

“We need to talk,” he answers seriously, and I gulp. Dalton is almost never serious.

He sighs, and turns to face me, “Are you avoiding me?

I hesitate. I have, but I don't want to tell him, because he would question why, and I don't want to tell him, if he forgot.

He heaves another sigh, and it seems my lack of response gave him his answer.

“Elina,” he says sharply, and I flinch, “I don't care if you're in love with me!”

I suck in a sharp breath, and let it out even sharper.

“I miss you. I miss hanging out with you, if this is what it takes to know something like this, I would rather not know,”

“Dalton, I'm sorry. I'm just... selfish. I thought you had forgotten, but I knew there was still a chance you knew. It was an accident that I told you, it just slipped out. I wasn't ready to tell you, but I did anyway,”

“I'm sorry,” Dalton argues, “I feel like it's my fault,”

“But it wasn't,”

“Yeah, but I didn't help it. God, I made you pretend like you were my girlfriend in Walmart!” he exclaims, “What were you thinking then?”

“I-I.. don't know,” now that he brings it up, there was a small part of my mind that thought that he secretly had feelings for me, too, but didn't know how to tell me, since he was 'gay'.

I thought that I was the only girl he ever liked.

“Elina, come here,” he pulls me into a hug, but this one is different from his others. He seems sad... distant.

I know that I can't have him, but I can still be beside him.

It's hard to think about, but I can get over him. I think so, at least. I don't want to get rid of this warmth that he gives me, the happy feeling that I get whenever I'm around him. I don't know what else could replace this certain type of warmth that Dalton gives me.

A picture of Zack slips into my mind's eye, and I smile. Maybe I can make up with him, now.

After all, we are, in one way, closer than Dalton and me. But, I don't know hardly anything about him.

Maybe I'll get to know him tonight, after the show.

X

We're all done shopping, now, and I think I can go take a nap, now. Just a short one, before sound check.

My plans are demolished when Ross and the other managers call us all over for a meeting.

“We have the details on the Halloween party ready to give to you guys,” Tim starts, once everyone settles down to listen.

“The day after the Halloween show, we have a free day, where we don't have to travel, so we decided to go to an amusement park,”

As people around me cheer, I let the information sink in. I've never been to an amusement park before. I've never been on a roller coaster, or played the games at the booths that are supposedly 'rigged'.

“Which one?” Rian asks, the first one to settle down of his band.

“Knott's Berry Farm in California,” Matt answers, smiling.

“Yes!” John exclaims, “We get to go to Knott's Scary Farm Hunt!”

“Scary Farm Hunt? How creative,” Riley scoffs sarcastically.

“But that's exactly what it is! I almost peed my pants!” John exclaims, and when Riley teases him, he defends, “I was four, okay!”

“Back to the managers,” I say, trailing off, and moving my arms towards the three men standing in front of our large semi-circle.

“The party will be after everyone gets back to the hotel.” Ross explains.

“We would have done the theme park the day before the concert, and the party after the concert, but the theme park in Utah that does a Halloween theme doesn't allow costumes, and I figured you'd all want to wear yours,” Tim continues.

“And...” Matt sings, “We've got a little surprise for Alex. Many Shades of You also has a day off on their tour, and will be joining us at Knott's,”

Alex has a stupid grin on his face, but other than that, there's no other reactions.

“Any questions?” they say in unison, taking me off guard.

When no one answers, our circle dispels, and people skip off in groups or pairs, leaving me alone with Dalton and Zack.

Dalton takes in the scene, “I'm gonna go get a Jones!” he exclaims, running off.

Zack and I sit in silence for what seems like forever, and I wish I could leave. I need to talk to him, though, and it would be rude to leave without a word. I can't think of a plausible excuse.

“I'm sorry, Elina,” Zack speaks, remorse filling his tone and features.

“No,” I say, relieved I didn't have to start, “I overreacted. I'm sorry,”

“No, you were upset. You had every right to act like that. I should have said something, but I got... tongue-tied, and I was shocked.” he says. His eyes widen, “B-but not about your mom, about... well, you slapped me. That kind of put me out of words. You hit hard, and--”

I put my finger to his lips, “It's okay, Zack,” I laugh, “All's forgiven,”

Relief fills his face, and he pulls me into a hug.

“That's good,” he breaths into my hair, “I'm glad to have you back,”

“I'm glad to be back,” I answer, smiling up at him.

His face leans closer to mine, and my eyes flutter into a blink. When I open them again, Zack's lips are about two centimeters from mine. I pull back slightly.

His eyes open slightly, looking at me, “What's wrong?”

“You don't get a kiss quite yet,” I answer, smirking.

I try to act like I'm just teasing him, but it's hard. I'm terrified of this relationship going forward. When Dalton and I kissed, it wasn't a big deal, because I knew it was just an act, and that after ward everything would go back to normal.

But... if Zack kisses me, then... there's a chance we'll fall in love with each other. I'm good at one-sided love, but if the feelings are returned...

I don't know how to deal with that.

“What's wrong?” Zack asks again, his tone different this time around.

“I-I... I can't, Zack,” I say, pulling completely away. Removing myself from his arms, from his warmth.

As I walk away, I miss him already.