When I Look at the Stars, I Feel Like Myself

Calvin hopped onstage after Dalton took his place behind the drum set, I followed Elina, Holland trailing after me. My left shoulder was only covered by hair, and it tickled. I didn't hate it, in fact, the cream colored short one armed shawl that angled down so it was longer on one side than the other was actually very flattering. I liked the high top white boots with silver around the lace. The gold bracelets and cream tights were probably my favorite part. I would saw that I actually like this costume and was glad Calvin and RJ helped me decide on the shawl instead of the form fitting white sleeveless dress.

I felt bad for Elina and Holland. They looked absolutely ridiculous. But, that's what they get for letting Dalton pick their costumes.

“How's everyone doing tonight?” Calvin screamed into the mic after our first song. “It's Halloween, everyone!”

“Really?” Elina said into the microphone. “I wish somebody would've told me, I would've gotten a costume!” Well, at least she could joke about it.

Calvin laughed, shaking his head, “And, what I want you guys to do for me is shout 'Trick or treat' really loud, can you do that for me?”

Dalton disappeared for a few seconds, getting the gigantic tub of candy we had got when we went out for costumes. There was a loud response from the crowd. “On the count of one,” I held up a finger. “Two! Three!”

“Trick or treat!!!”

Dalton ran up to the front of the stage and started launching candy at the member of the crowd. I swung my bass so that it was on my back, and joined in, laughing as people started to grab for the candy. “Happy Halloween, all you wonderful people!” Calvin said as everyone in the band joined in on throwing candy towards the kids.

After the giant tub of candy was halfway gone and we were getting tired and running up all our stage time, Dalton just hurled the rest of it from the container and into the crowd.

“I best we're the custodians' favorite people now.” Holland joked into the microphone in front of her.

“Hey, all in good fun, yeah?” I smiled and Elina began the intro to our next song.

“Anyway, back to what y'all came here for.” Calvin laughed, “Just, while you're moshing, don't choke on that candy. I don't want to get sued.”

The rest of our set went by without a hitch, nobody choked on the candy that we knew of, anyway. Whether it was all the candy I had eaten previous to this finally getting to me and making me hyper, or the just all around good feeling in the venue, I walked offstage more pumped for the party and day off tomorrow than anything.

Even if John peed his pants while at Knott's Berry Farm. I smiled large at the thought.

“Hey, Smiley.” Garret greeted, heading towards the stage.

“Hey, Gary.” I waved, using my pet name for him. “I mean...Cloud.” I corrected. I poked the giant spike in his hair. “Huh.” I said when it didn't budge.

“Yeah, Elina helped me.” Garret touched the top of his spiky, gravity-defying hair gingerly as if it would fall at any moment. “She helped John with his, too. It looks pretty great.”

“I have to see this.” I moved passed him to find John in the dressing rooms. “JOHNO!” I shouted happily.

“RI-RI!” He said just as loud, letting me give him a tight hug. I looked his hair. I flicked the long piece of hair hanging down in front of his face. It swung a millimeter and then went back into place. I raised an eyebrow. “Three bottles of gel for both Garret and my hair. Not to mention everyone else's. Gary's took the most, though.” John explained. “And this.” He said, pointing at the same long piece of hair I had flicked, “Is going to get annoying.”

I flicked the hair once again, laughing when John made a face as it tickled his nose. “Sad thing is, as you get all sweaty tonight, it will fall down and you'll just have to do it again tomorrow.” I pointed out to him, “Which is why, my dear Johno, you pick a simple costume.” I mentioned, stepping back and modeling my costume for him. “Like mine.” I fluttered my eyelashes.

“I do like your costume....a lot.” John's eye scanned my body, and my cheeks heated. They would any and every time he looked at me like that. Sort of like I was the only girl in the world. At least, the most beautiful.

“John, come on, we need your sexy bod onstage!” Jack shouted. Why he was shouting it was beyond me. It wasn't his band.

It is Jack, after all.

“Go destroy, Zack.” I told him, handing him his sword.

“I don't think that's your line, Angel.” John gave me a crooked smile and a kiss on the cheek.

“Fine.” I rolled my eyes, “Go inspire hope and good feelings!” I shouted after him.

…..

There was a knock at the bus door, already running late, I didn't want to answer it. But, a few seconds later, there was another impatient rap. I opened the door to John.

“Trick or treat!!!”

“We threw all our candy out last night onstage.” I smiled at him.

“Then, I'll just have to trick you.” He said mischievously.

“But I can give you this...” I said in a low voice, leaning down to give his a kiss on the lips. We hadn't really kissed sine I had told him, it was like he was hesitant to touch me. But, as I started to pull away, John's hand came up to hold the back of my neck, trapping me there.

Not that I was complaining...

“I never though I'd enjoy kissed a video game character...” I chuckled breathlessly, looking at his getup.

“And your kisses are heavenly.” He smirked, enjoying his pun.

“Ha, ha.” I smacked his chest lightly, going back onto the bus. “I need to put on my tights, so hold on.” It was the last thing I needed to do for my costume in order for me to be ready.

John's eyes traveled the length of my legs, making my cheeks heat. “Naw, you don't need tights.” He suggested.

“Do you want my dress to fly up in the wind and flash everyone?” I asked smartly.

“Yes.” He answered simply, a playful smile on his face. I just rolled my eyes and went back to the bunk area.

“You look beautiful, Riley.” John complimented, pecking my cheek. Unless I initiated it, that was pretty much all I got from him. Not that I'm not happy with it, because I totally am. It's just enough that he's giving me this much attention, really. It almost seemed unreal.

I mean, he was John O'Callaghan, he was 'wanted' by a million screaming fan girls. And, out of all of them, he picked me. Of course I was happy.

I just didn't like the fact that it seemed he was holding back. “You're not too bad yourself, handsome.” I smiled, nudging his side with my elbow before he took my hand in his and we walk to the waiting vans to take us to Knott's Berry Farm.

….

John handed me the big and soft panda that he had just won at the basketball shooting game. “Awww, it's so cute, John.” I smiled, arms around its neck, squeezing it tight. “I'll love it forever.” Panda in one arm, John's hand in mine, we continued walking, trying to catch up with the group who were now heading into the haunted scary mansion.

I gave another scared shriek as another Zombie popped out of nowhere, holding one hand over my heart, I took a deep breath, feeling my pounding heart, “I hate when they do that.” I said to John.

“See? It's scary.” He teased, “And, can you loosen your grip on my hand, my fingers are going numb?”

“Oh, yeah, sorry.” I released his hand, continuing on with walking.

“Hey, now.” He started, grabbing at my hand again, “I said loosen your grip, not let go entirely.”

“You're so needy.” I sighed, exaggerating, but I allowed him to take my hand anyway.

Zombies kept popping up everywhere, and I kept screaming every time. “I have to admit, this place is pretty scary.” I said to John as we all sat around a table, “I'm not close to peeing my pants, but it's scary.”

“I was four!” John defended once again, a pouting look on his face. I shook my head, looking down at my food. It looked delicious, but, for some reason, I wasn't hungry.

I looked around at everyone, already digging into their food, and I started slowly on mine. I couldn't just not eat. One, John insisted on paying for mine, and it would be a waste of his kindness and money to not eat.

“You okay?” John asked across from me, “You haven't eaten much.”

“I've probably had too much candy last night and I'm not feeling too well.” I excused. And, really, I did eat a lot of candy last night.

“We're about ready to go back for the party, do you want to just head out now?” John asked, already finished with his food.

“Yeah, I need to call my family anyway, on the way back.” I nodded.

“Okay.” He nodded. We announced we were going back early, and walked back to the van.

“Will they really be okay if we took one?” I asked.

“Yeah, there are two fifteen passenger vans...they can make it back.” John shrugged. I shrugged, taking my spot in the passenger side. I pulled out my phone as I did my seat belt and dialed my mom's number.

“Hey, mom.” I greeted.

“Hi, honey.” Her words were clipped, like she was angry about something.

“Is something wrong?” I was a little hesitant.

“You missed your monthly check up.”

“Yeah, I've been on tour.”

“For the passed eight months?” She challenged.

Oh, crap. “Mom--”

“Don't give me that, Riley. You know how dangerous it is for you to miss those. Your cancer could come back.” She ranted.

I gulped. “Mom, I really don't want to talk about this right now.”

“Riley, you have to go to those appointments. It's important we knew exactly when it comes back.”

“When?” I asked.

“It's likely that it's going to come back Riley, let's be real.” She sighed.

“Is Jordan there? I really want to talk to him.” My voice wavered, and I cleared my throat.

“Yeah, hold on.” Her voice was angry, and I could tell she was running out of patience. The gears in her mind were working, wondering why I was skipping doctor's visits. I knew she would get it soon.

“Hey, baby girl.” Jordan greeted.

“Hey, Jor.” I smiled. “How is everything?”

“I got a boring nine to five...”

“Really?” I smiled, “How is it?”

“Like I said, boring.” He laughed. “Not as fun as saaayyy, touring with two of your favorite bands. How is that, anyway?”

“It's pretty great, I'm having so much fun.”

“Really? Does a boy have something to do with that?” He asked.

“God, Jordan, you're such a girl sometimes. I swear you're worse than Dalton.” I laughed.

“I represent that remark.” He said proudly.

“And, yeah...I guess...one.” I blushed, glancing at John. He was staring straight out the windshield, a small smile on his face.

“Name?” Jordan tried to get out of me.

“John.” I gave an embarrassed smile, glancing again at John and he was looking sideways at me, an even bigger smile on his face.

“John O'Callaghan?” Jordan gave a squeal, “Hold on, mom wants to talk to you again.” He said, and there was a shuffling sound.

“It's back isn't it? You know it's back.” She accused. “But, you'd rather stay with that band of yours.” She spat.

“Mom, I jus--”

“Riley!” She shrieked, angry. “Instead of getting treated, you're going to have us go through all the pain over again when you get sicker and sicker.”

Tears filled my eyes, “Mom, I just want to be a normal teenager.” I whispered to her.

“Riley, nothing about you is normal. You've gone through so much, and you can't just brush that aside.”

“I am a member of this band, mom, and I can't let them down.”

“You're letting your family down.” Mom shot back, still loud. I had no doubt John heard.

John slowed the van down, looking over at me, concern filling his eyes. But, I couldn't look at him. “Is it wrong for me to want to just be a kid?” I asked.

“Well, you sure are being childish about this, Riley. You can't let it go untreated.”

“I'm eighteen in two months, mom, I can do whatever I want.”

“Riley--” She tried, desperate.

“I have to go now, mom.” I replied, shutting the phone sharply. John had pulled over into an somewhat empty parking lot.

“Riley...” He started, “Should really should get treated.” He told me.

“I thought you said you wouldn't push the matter.” I snapped, looking out the window.

“Riley, your mother is right--”

“So, you think I'm being childish?” I cut him off.

“No, but it is irresponsible that you're letting it control your life like this.”

“I'm not letting it control my life, John.” I corrected, angry, “Going to treatments would be letting it control me. I would do nothing but be exhausted, go to treatments, stay in the hospital. It's not fun, and it's suffocating.”

“You have to be careful what you say, you're lying to your best friends, and now your family is going to go through what they did when you were first treated.”

“Take me back to the bus, John.” I crossed my arms over my chest. I didn't want to talk about this. Especially not with him.

“Riley, it's not fair to your band mates, or me, that you're not doing anything about this.” He made no move to restart the van and go back.

“And what about me, John?” I yelled at him, “How is any of this fair to me?” I unbuckled my seat belt, getting out of the car, fully prepared on taking a taxi back to the buses. John had to follow me though.

“Riley, just listen!” He shouted towards me. “I know none of this is fair to you. It's not fair that you have cancer, and it's not fair that people are trying to tell you what to do, but you can't just...give up. That's not fair to you, either.” He was speed walking back over to me, trying to keep up. “I ask again, how fair is it that you're going to have people go through the pain of losing you, after everything they've been through?”

I stopped, a searing pain passing through my body. “That's not right, John.” I whispered. “You can't say that to me. I can't help what they've been through, and I could die either way, treated or not.” I furiously wiped tears from my eyes, hailing a cab.

Truth is, I've been thinking about it a lot lately. And, I've decided that once I get back, I would tell everyone and get treated. I decided it, but I didn't want John pushing it on me. I just wanted someone to just be there for me when I needed it.

I really thought John could do that for me.

“Riley, please. Just get back in the van.” He pleaded with me as a cab pulled up to the curb beside me. “You're being--”

“Childish? Irresponsible? Unfair?” I scorned.

“You're being ridiculous.” He said honestly.

I scoffed, rolling my eyes and shut the cab's door. I stomped back to the van, not because of John, because I didn't want to waste my money on a cab.

And, the guy could kidnap me. I saw an episode of some crime show like that once.

“We just want what's best for you, Riley.” John said softly as the van started moving again.

“Shut up, John.” I told him.

“What?” He was shocked. I would be too, I wasn't mean to anyone.

“I said, shut up, I don't want to talk to you.” I just glared out the front window, not looking at him but through the corner of my eye. He sighed heavily and ran his fingers through his hair.

I didn't want to cry anymore in front of him, especially not these stupid angry tears. He'd probably get the wrong message and think that I was sad. Or that I was sorry.

But, I'm not.

Okay, maybe I am a little. And that sorry feeling came even more so when we got back to the hotel, John turned to be with my hand on the door handles and looked at me. His bright green gorgeous eyes looked into my dark, almost black, brown eyes.

But he didn't say anything. And I wasn't going to say sorry. I had every right to be angry with him, with my mom. They couldn't tell me what to do, and I hated that they were trying to. After a few moments of just staring into his eyes, my heart racing, I was growing weak in my resolve. So, in order to maintain my pride, I opened my door and strode back into the bus. We would be going to a hotel later tonight.

I slammed the door to the bus, and when John started knocking, I ignored him. I'm glad I never told him the security code.

I took off my wings and halo, throwing them onto the table and kicked off my boots. After letting my anger out on the clothes, I curled up in my bunk for a nap.

I couldn't fall asleep.

A half hour later, Calvin walked into the bunk area and knocked on the wood beside mine. “John left a note that says 'I'm sorry.' Want to talk about it?” Calvin held the note out to me, I could see the words in John's handwriting.

“No.” I mumbled stubbornly, turning away from him, ignoring the note. “He's stupid. I don't like him.”

“Come on, Riley. You and I both know you don't mean that.” Calvin sighed.

“So?”

“So...” Calvin trailed off, “Whatever he did, Riley, he's sorry.

“He'll...he'll never understand, Cal.” I admitted.

“Understand what?”

“Me.” I turned to Calvin again, my eyes finding his. “And what I'm like.”

Or that I just want someone to be with me, uncomplicated. Someone to fall in love with. Calvin sighed, shaking his head once I didn't say anything else. “They party is starting soon, are you coming?” He asked.

I thought for a few seconds and then nodded. I might be avoiding John, but that didn't mean I was going to skip out on a party. Especially not if Many Shades of You was there. I loved them! I climbed out of the bunk, and headed out to put my boots, halo and wings back on.

Everyone else had left already, I'm not even sure if they came back in the first place, but I didn't care. I was ready to party!