When I Look at the Stars, I Feel Like Myself

“Wow...” I say slowly, examining Zack's costume, “You're definitely not as sexy when you're Ganon,”

He smiles creepily, “You think I'm sexy?”

“Not like this. I might have to leave you for Garret. Cloud is a lot better than Ganon,” I reply honestly.

Zack suddenly pouts, “Why would you suggest a costume you didn't like?”

I shrug, “No one else in your band is muscly. And we did need the villain,”

“Alright, Lina!” Garret exclaims, John in tow, “Gel us up!”

I do Garret's hair first, I this it's better to do the hardest first. When I'm done gelling the spikes up, I straighten the hair in front of his ears, to make it straight like Cloud's.

“There you go, Gary,” I say, patting his back, freeing him from the wooden chair he was sitting in, and replacing it with John.

“Okay,” I say, getting the laptop from the corner of the room, and pulling up two pictures.

“Which one?” I ask.

“Um, aren't they the same person?”

I punch him in the arm, “I meant the hair style, you smart ass,”

“Uh,” I flip back between the pictures, and he stops me once, “That one,”

I turn the computer back around to look at the image and frown. I was really upset when Zack changed his hair in the game, because his hair with the swoopy thing down the middle makes him look too serious and... old. I like the happy, cheerful, puppy Zack at the beginning.

An odd thing to get upset over, I know, but I like video game hair.

“Riley likes that one better,” he explains, a smile playing on his face.

I roll my eyes, when I turn to grab a bottle and a half of hair gel. Of course he would choose that one because of Riley. I can't believe I didn't realize it sooner.

“I liked the other one better,” I say, trying to make conversation with John as I style his hair.

Garret and I talked, but just about Kekkaishi. Not really anything worth mentioning.

“Why?”

“I don't know... this one looks too... grown up for him.” I explain, “He's only twenty-three when he...”

I stop. Poor Zack. And Cloud didn't remember any of it, for a long time. I cried when it happened. I guess I'm just really sensitive to death. Especially someone I've been playing with for about three days straight.

Okay, that sounded really wrong, but it's from a gaming stand point, I swear.

“When he what?”

“Never mind, I don't want to spoil it for you,” We fall into a silence after ward, but it's not uncomfortable. He waits patiently for me to finish, and when he's done, he skips off going to 'find Riley'.

I sigh, leaving the empty bottles of gel where they are, and lay down on the couch. The cushion below my feet sinks in with the weight of another human being.

Open my eyes just a crack, and jump when I see Zack, “You were here the whole time?”

“No, but when I saw John come out, I figured I'd come back in,”

“What if I were changing?” I say, given the fact that I'm not in my Catwoman costume yet, it's a very likely possibility.

“I would have closed my eyes and turned around,” he answers.

“Okay, good. If you refuse to leave, you'll have to 'close your eyes and turn around' right now,” I say, and he obliges. I turn my back to him, to, getting my costume from my bag.

It's a black corset with many buckles, and a matching miniskirt. Then I have tall boots and fishnet tights. Covering my arms is the same black fishnet, only with feathers at the end.

This will take forever to put on.

I start with the tights, my back still turned to Zack. He could be looking, for all I know. Strange thing is, I don't really mind. Let him look.

But, it's odd because I never liked Dalton just standing there while I changed, I even made him leave the room. Even though I knew he would keep his gaze eye level, it still freaked me out.

And Zack would like what he sees. At least, I hope he would.

I look in the full-length mirror. I've never thought I was fat, no. The doctors proved I wasn't, I've been borderline underweight most of my life. I've never thought I was pretty, but I never thought I was ugly, either.

There's just something about me that people can't stand. They assess me, feet to head, but then they look away, obviously not interested, and sometimes frightened.

I'm average. Even with the nose ring, and the belly button ring, I'm just average. The teased hair, the eye makeup, everything I try to do to make me stand out just makes me average. All the guys I've been on dates with have said I'm 'cute'. But, they never come back for more. I guess being cute in someone's eyes isn't good enough.

I choose to put the corset on last, not wanting to try to squeeze into that thing. Dalton said the smaller the better, for me. It will push my boobs up, make it look like I actually have some.

“No worries,” he had said, “Not like you've got any fat to pinch, anyway,”

I could zip this stupid thing up in the store, but I don't want to get my feathers caught.

I heave a frustrated huff, and Zack speaks up, “Can I look to see what's wrong?”

I turn around, but he's already looking, “Uh, I guess I have no choice.” The statement sounded more like a question in my ears.

He smiles a nice smile, “Need some help?”

“Yeah, that would be great,” I replied. I could just take off the stupid sleeves with the feathers, but I like the idea of Zack zipping me up.

That sounds like some kind of sexual term.

His fingers slide underneath the hem of my top, to hold it while he's zipping. My breath hitches in my throat at the intimate contact.

Plus, I might be ticklish on the small of my back.

“There,” he says, putting my hair back in place, “Need help with the tail?” he smirks devilishly.

I almost say yes, until I realize just where the tail is, “I think I've got this one,” I say, blushing a little, “But you can help me with the ears,”

I stick the tail into one of the silver hoops on the skirt, that's supposed to act like a belt loop. I wonder if the designer of this skirt took another look at this and said, “This would also be a great place to hook a tail,”

Musing to myself, Zack looks down at me and smiles.

“What's so funny?”

“Nothing, it's funnier to myself,” as I smile wider, so does Zack, “What's so funny?” I retort back to him.

“Nothing I'm just happy,”

“What's there to be happy about?”

“Well, when you're happy, I'm happy. I like seeing you smile,” he says, looking down, “You kind of... break my heart when you're sad. Depression isn't your best look,”

At the comment, I smile, then frown, then blush, then frown again.

“I don't like the fact that I break your heart,” I say, still frowning.

“Then, quit doing that with your lips,” he says, pulling the corners of my mouth up, “There we go. These lips look much more inviting,”

I blush, and turn away, “I, uh, have to do my makeup,”

“Wait! You only have one ear,”

“No, Zack,” I tease, “I currently have three. And two of them work, somewhat,”

He hits me lightly on the shoulder, “You only have one cat ear,”

While he puts the other ear in my hair, I do my makeup at the vanity table.

But, I can't get it quite right. It's not even on both eyes.

I sigh, “I need Dalton,”

Zack sighs, too, “What do you need him for?”

Was that a hint of jealousy in his tone?

I decide to let it go, “Because I'm dumb and can't get my makeup right,” I answer.

Zack says, nothing, but leaves the room. I sigh once more, and look at the package of fake fingernails that's supposed to go with my costume. No way will I be able to play keyboard with obnoxious, pointy fingernails in the way.

Though, they do look like cat claws, and with the feathers on the arm sleeves, I look like I have kitten mittens.

“You rang?” Dalton says, when he enters the room.

“Yeah, I guess so,”

“Zack told me you needed help with your makeup, and yes, you do. But, he seemed kind of pissed,” Dalton picks up the applicator, “What did you do?”

“I just said I needed your help, and he got mad and stormed off,”

“Tsk, tsk, Lina,” Dalton scolds, “You don't mention others that you like in front of boys that like you so openly,”

Zack likes me openly? I guess I don't really know how to tell.

I say nothing, but let him gently brush my eyelids with the brush, calming down a little.

This leaves my thoughts to wander. I think of everyone new I've met. When they first took a look at me, they'd look away almost immediately. And why not? Riley has the face of angel, and the compassion to match. And Holland has blue hair, that sticks out enough.

I sigh, and decide to ask the question, just to get it out of the way, “Dalton, what's wrong with me?” He stops, and puts down the brush. I open my eyes, and look up at Dalton.

“Nothing, Elina. Not a thing is wrong with you, why would you think that?”

“Well, it just seems like... every time someone looks at me, they look away immediately. I'm not grotesquely obese, and I'm not ugly... am I?” it's very rare that I question my looks, but it seems now it's warranted.

“No, Lina,” Dalton soothes, pulling me into one of his comforting hugs, “It's not you, but it's not them, either,”

“What do you mean? What is it, then?”

“It's... it's your eyes,” he answers, “There's something in them that just says, 'back off'. I think it intimidates most people,”

I let this information sink in. It makes sense, but it doesn't, at the same time. I examine my eyes in the mirror, and they don't look any different from what I'm used to.

Then, I look into Dalton's eyes. Warm, inviting, but with a touch of sadness. And not just because of the situation, either, it's a deep scar that runs through his soul, and shows through to the window of his soul.

I look back to my own eyes in the mirror. I can't see anything but brown. It's not even a good brown, like Riley's. Mine remind me of murky water, mud. Riley's are so dark, so deep that you can't ever know what's behind them.

There's nothing else to see, no matter how hard I look. No emotions, no thoughts, not even any real life. I look away, shocked by what my own eyes have showed me. There's just brown, and then The Wall. Nothing else to see, so why bother looking?

I look down again, sighing. I doubt there's anything to change that.

“There's something you can do about this,” Dalton says, probably reading my thoughts.

“What?”

“You can let someone in,” he states, “To everything. I know you've told Zack what even I don't know, but there's something else you're hiding. Whether you know it or not,”

And with that, he leaves the room, leaving me to do my eyeliner myself.

X

Wake up! I command myself. Today the sun is shining, and you're in California. It's bound to be a good day. Not to mention we're going to a theme park. Roller coasters sound fun.

I walk out to the front room, where Calvin, RJ, and Dalton are playing video games. I watch them intently, waiting for my turn to play. I see a vague shadow pass the hall from the bunks, but think nothing of it. It's either Riley or Holland, just waking up.

“Um, does this look okay?” Holland's voice drifts to the seated gamers.

No one says anything. I pretty sure everyone's jaw is slack, like mine. I've never seen Holland like this, she always wears sweats, or jeans and a t-shirt.

“Well?”

When Calvin says she looks like a wet dream, I almost choke. TMI, dude.

Recovering from my shock, I ask, “What possessed you to put that on?”

“Why don't you ask Dalton?”

I look over to him, and see him smirking in satisfaction. He catches my look, and smiles at me, “I'm getting Jones Soda for a month out of this,” he makes a vague gesture to Holland's costume, and I roll my eyes at him.

“Jack bribed you?”

The conversation continues, Holland cutting in a few times, until she says, “I'm fine, Elina. I just wanted to make sure it didn't look stupid, though,”

I make sure she's comfortable again, just to be sure. She shrugs, and I look her up and down, “Well, you look good. You should get a belly button ring,” I say.

“That'd make Jack go insane,” Dalton agrees.

I roll my eyes at him again, “Just like it would make my mom go insane?”

“Yeah, remember her face?” Dalton asks.

“She was so pissed,” I laugh.

“Erin was jealous,” Dalton muses, “Good thing you're so good at forging your mother's signature,”

“Yeah,” I agree. But, it's not true. One of the many things my mom signed while she was drunk. And the nose ring, and the two tattoos I have. All in the same night.

“Let's see that tat you got,” Dalton says, he asks to see it every once in a while, and I don't blame him, it's amazing. A bird, carrying my favorite flower, a tiger lily. It's not flying, and trapped in a cage. Underneath it, it says, 'I just want to be free to spread my wings fly'.

I adjust my hair and my tank top strap so he can see it on my shoulder. He pokes it, examining it closely, “Hmm... needs a touch up,” he provides.

“I want another one,” I say, “Let's get one on this tour. Are we stopping in Montana?” I direct at Ross.

“Uh, yes we have a small concert there,”

“Sweet. Remember Monica, who moved to Montana?”

“Yeah, what's she up to now?” Calvin asks, he used to date her, they were the same age.

“She helps at her brother's tattoo shop. Don't ask for a parent's signature,” I inform.

“Alright, let's got you inked up!” Dalton exclaims, “When are we stopping there?”

“I left the schedule in my other pants,” He says, going to the back room, no doubt to change into his Brock costume.

“Let me go change,” I say, patting Dalton on the shoulder.

“Wait! What about your other tattoo?”

X

“Let's go on that one!” Garret exclaims happily, pointing to the terrifying-looking ride.

We head to the Boomerang ride, which, apparently, takes you backwards as well as forwards. Rian walks slowly behind the group, looking sad.

“What's up, Ri-Ri?” I ask.

“Kara broke up with me,” he pouts, breaking my heart.

“What? But, just the other day, you were texting her nonstop.”

“That was me trying to talk her out of it,” he sighs.

“Aw, I'm sorry,” I comfort, putting an arm around him, “If it makes you feel better, I would date you, if it weren't totally inappropriate,”

“That doesn’t stop you with Zack,” he complains.

“I don't see the two of us going on a date. Truth is, I'm not even sure if he likes me,” I say, not bothering to deny that I like him, it's pointless. And, ignoring the fact that Dalton told me he does like me, he could be wrong.

“Are you kidding me?” Rian asks in disbelief, “It's obvious he does, he's just holding back because you're so... unattainable,” he explains.

“Unattainable?” I ask.

“Yeah, you seem totally content with having just you and Dalton, with your band on the side. It's like you have no room for that kind of relationship.”

I look up to Zack, sadness filling my eyes. I didn't realize how much I might be hurting the people around me, shutting them out, “Well,” I reply, “Maybe I'll just have to make room,”

Rian smiles at me, “I think he'd like that,”

After we get off the Boomerang, something pops out at us, causing everyone to scream. After, they laugh, except me, I pout.

“That wasn't very funny,” I complain.

“That was hilarious!” Calvin argues. After a few minutes of laughter, he continues, sighing, “I'm hungry,”

“Let's get some food,” Zack suggests.

Dalton runs off, toward the giant park map screaming, “I'm thinking wings,” But, he mispronounces 'wings' so it sounds more like 'wangs'.

Calvin yells after him, “Dalton, you're always thinking wangs,”

I bend over laughing, “Now that was funny,”

Calvin smiles proudly, “I try,”

“Luckily,” Calvin starts, in line for another ride called Jaguar, “You're tall enough to ride all the rides,” he finishes in an excited baby voice.

I kick him, “I'm not that short,” I complain.

“Pssh, 5'4 is pretty short to me,” he says.

“I'm 5'3” I correct.

“Yeah, that's better,”

“I read on the website that you're actually not allowed to wear costumes,” RJ says.

“Yeah, well we're special,” Rian says.

“We broke the rules, didn't we?” I ask.

“Yeah,” Zack says, admitting defeat, “Hey we haven't got caught. Yet,”

Ah, well. We're already here.