When I Look at the Stars, I Feel Like Myself

-Stephan Ashburton-

Sierra was bouncing in her seat, I rolled my eyes, “Calm down, Sie. It's just Alex...”

“But, I haven't seen him in forever.” She groaned. “AND!” She held up a finger, cutting off what I was going to say, “There's a party. And!” She shoved her finger back in my face, “Alex told me there's this really cute gay guy there. He's a drummer.”

I groaned, my head falling back onto the headrest. “Not this again!” I rubbed my face, “How many times do I have to tell you Sie, as much as I love you, I'm not going to let you play match maker for me.”

“Oh, come on!” She slapped her hands down on my knees, shaking them. “You could...at least see if it will go anywhere?” She pouted at me, sticking her bottom lip out.

“Gah!” I threw my hands up, “Fine!” I exclaimed. She sat back in her seat, smiling wide. I looked around at our other band mates. Jake was sleeping, Austin and Cory were shouting at each other, their DS's hooked up to each other.

“I choose you, Hitmonchop!” Cory said loud enough to jolt Jake awake.

“How come you only play Pokemon when I'm sleeping right next to you?” He groaned, running a hand over his face.

“I love Pokemon!” I interjected, though they knew this already.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, and when you were younger you used to have the biggest crush on Ash Ketchum.” Cory drew out.

“And it's how you realized you were gay.” Jake finished for her.

“Well, that didn't come until much later, but...sure.” I nodded, laughing.

For the Halloween party, Cory was a vampire but not, she said, “Those stupid sparkly disgraces they have in that lame book.” Jake was a wolf. I don't know what his reasoning for that was, but he seemed to be happy with it. I think Cory actually talked him into it. Austin was Frankenstein and I was a Jack Sparrow

Mainly because Jack Sparrow is a pretty sexy dude.

Sierra had coordinated her costume with Alex's and was dressed at Princess Zelda from Ocarina of Time. She actually did look really good in pink, despite how much she didn't like wearing it. She kept messing with the banner on her skirt, and I could tell she was just plain excited. Too excited, if you asked me.

Once Alex and her were together, nobody would see them for the rest of the night, probably. I groaned at the mental imagines that gave me.

When we pulled up, Sierra was the first out of the car, Alex already there waiting for her. I walked passed the couple making out heavily. “God, they're terrible.” Rian muttered, joining me as I went to talk to John.

“Hey, Jack!” I called to the lanky weird dude talking with the fairy in nothing but underwear, wings, and high heels. He looked like he would jump her at any moment. “Have you seen Johno?” I asked.

“Yeah, but he's been mopey.” Jack answered, “He's having problems with his angel.” I raised my eyes in confusion.

“Angel?”

“Riley.” The girl next to him answered, “My guess is he did something stupid to upset her.”

“Well, bummer.” I shrugged, “Where is he?”

“Over by the drinks.” Jack answered. As I moved away, he went back to talking to the sparkly blue fairy.

“Johno!” I shouted, catching his attention. “Hey, man, what's up?” I asked, punching him lightly in the arm when I got close enough.

“Partying, what's it look like?” He asked, raising the bottle to his lips. I followed his gaze to a thin blond athletic looking girl in an angel costume sitting next to and laughing with a Panda and...

“Ash Ketchum?” I asked out loud, John laughed at me.

“That's Dalton for you.” He smiled, shaking his head. “You know, you should go talk to him.” He nudged.

“Maybe say how wonderful you are to the angel?” I teased once John's face flushed. “Gay people know everything.” I said to his questioning glance.

“Anyway, go talk to him.”

“I don't know what to say, John.” I told him, caught off guard by his persistence.

“I thought gay people knew everything.” John mocked, shoving me towards the group of people.

“Seriously, John!” I exclaimed, “I don't want to just walk up to him and say, 'hey, nice costume, I'm a big fan of Ash Ketchum' how dumb would I look? Insane, too, probably.”

John looked into the cooler, taking something out of it, it was a Jones soda. “Here, take this and just walk by. I guarantee he starts the conversation.” He had a weird look in his eye, something I didn't quite trust.

But, I started walking anyway. But because this Dalton guy looked pretty cute from where I was standing. I tried to be nonchalant as I walked by the boy and his two friends. “Am I crazy, or did Jack Sparrow just walk by carrying one of my Jones sodas....?” He sounded a little possessive of his soda. Thanks, John.

“No, I saw it, too.” A girl muttered. “Go reclaim your soda!” She cheered, ending in a laugh.

“Hey, Sparrow.” A voice challenged. I couldn't stop a smile from my face as he tried to sound like the character he was dressed as. He was actually doing a pretty good job of it, too. “I believe you have something of mine.”

I turned around, pointing at the soda, “This?” I asked innocently, twisting off the cap. His eyes widened as I slowly started to bring it up to my lips.

“Don't even think about it.” He said, still in his Ash voice.

I almost choked on the soda I was about to swallow. “Oh my god, you totally sound like Ash Ketchum!” I laughed, cleaning my face with the back of my sleeve. “That's awesome.”

“You like Pokemon?” His eyes lit up, apparently, he wasn't mad about the soda anymore.

“An episode a day keeps that sadness away.” I recited my motto. He smiled wide.

“You know, I try to explain that to everyone, everyday, but no one ever understands. Well, besides Elina...she doesn't count.”

And, just like that, our conversation picked up.

Thank you, John. I said to myself, this time not sarcastic.

It wasn't too long until we were sitting across from each other, laughing. “And then Jack bribed me to pick out this horrid outfit with Jones soda. I debated heavily on it, because, as a gay man, I can't let my fashion sense be under question. Honestly, though, what was I supposed to do? It's hard to resist Jack's puppy dog pout.”

“I know! I try to get Sierra to stop wearing all the black that she does, but does she listen?” I exclaimed, laughing nonetheless. “The only reason she's wearing pink tonight is because of Alex!”

We both looked over at the couple in question who had, surprisingly, not disappeared to do who knows what. They were cuddled together in the corner of the room, talking with giant smiles planted on their faces. “You know, Alex has been all lovey-dovey, so not what I expected him to be like.” Dalton mentioned thoughtfully.

“Yeah, they're pretty disgusting in a cute way.” We discussed as Sierra gave Alex a playful kiss on the lips.

“I approve. Any girl who dresses up like Zelda is fine in my book. Plus, I've always been a Link/Zelda shipper.” Dalton pointed out. “And any man who dresses like Jack Sparrow is the man of my dreams.”

My cheeks heated slightly, I wasn't used to this kind of attention from someone like Dalton. And by 'like' I meant, guys. Mostly, all I got were teenage girls. Which, was flattering and all, but they're not my 'type'. If you know what I mean...

“I've always had a crush on Ash Ketchum...” I hinted back.

“Twister!” Someone shouted drunkenly from the middle of the room. Dalton jumped up the same time I did. We turned to each other and shouted.

“TWISTER!”

The crowd broke out into laughter as we rushed to the mat. Dalton, RJ (the adorable little panda dude), Riley, and I were the only ones who wanted to play Twister. The others claiming they were 'too drunk', 'not flexible', or 'their costume wouldn't allow it'

Psshhhh, losers.

Riley looked like her costume would fly up if she got in the wrong position. Which Twister was known for.

And that fact became proven when, a few moments later, Dalton was called to place left hand blue. I blushed deeply, realizing what he was going to have to do. Riley's foot and RJ's right hand were taking up any other of Dalton's closest and possibly options, leaving the one in between my left foot yellow and right foot red.

He hesitated, before moving to his designated spot, which left his head right on my hip.

If I didn't already have a strong attraction to him, this wouldn't have been a big deal.

“Okay, R-Riley,” John tripped over her name ever time he announced who was supposed to do what. They needed to make up already. “Right hand green.”

“Oh, come on!” She exclaimed, frustrated. She would have to twist around and stretch, her costume already dangerously high on her hip.

“Okay, Stephan,” John cleared his throat after watching Riley and her exposed stomach for a few moments. What a creep. He paused, looking at the board and then the mat then back at the board, then mat. “I can't do this to you.” He finally concluded.

“Do it!!” Dalton demanded. John gave him a look that said, 'you don't want to go there'

“Come on, it's not fair is he gets a respin!” Riley groaned from her tangled up position. How she kept it, I have no idea, but she was flexible as all get out.

“You asked for it.” John mumbled under his breath. “Left foot green.”

I realized immediately what that would require me doing. Let's just say...Dalton's head would end up in my crotch. To put it bluntly.

Oh, God.

Not wanting any further embarrassment, I purposely lost my balance. Me falling caused Dalton to wobble dangerously, knocking into Riley as he fell. Riley squeaked at she fell to the floor. RJ was virtually untouched.

He jumped up, dancing in his adorable panda suit. “BOO-YAH!” He screamed, “I win!”

I have to admit, a break dancing panda is pretty amazing. Face still burning, I headed towards the sodas, not that big of a drinker.

-Riley-

Goodness, it was kind of adorable, Stephan and Dalton, I mean. There was something there for sure. I was happy, too, he totally deserved it for how much he does for all of us.

Not willing to accept defeat that easily, I challenged RJ to a rematch. This time, both John and Sierra joined in, Alex the spinner.

You know, I wonder why people even play this game, you always end up in awkward positions. Either with a panda and two gay men, or a female heroine, the person you're supposed to be mad at, and that same panda. Honestly, I don't think I could ever be mad at John for long.

I mean, his green eye hypnotized me, pulling me in. They were watching my less fantastic dark brown ones as he moved his hand, placing it on the dot beside my hip. I bit my lip, focusing on my next move that Alex was calling.

Which required me twisting around again. “I swear, this game hates me.” I grumbled, moving right foot red, twisting around so I wasn't looking at John or his enticing green eyes anymore. And he wasn't touching me anymore.

Problem was, he now had a nice view of my butt.

I had to be a sore loser, did it? I mentally slapped myself.

Plus, I think Alex was just messing with us. Everyone else got simple ones. I was even more suspicious of Alex's intentions when he shouted out a move that I would have to wrap my arm around John's waist for.

I shot him a glare, which he returned with a devil's smile.

I knew it.

Tired of keeping my neck up, I rested it on John's stomach, a little just to make Alex happy. Maybe he would stop being a pervert.

It was just wishful thinking, I knew.

Luckily for me, Sierra's next move caused her to fall. And, since the mat was so small compared to all of us, she knocked RJ down in the process. RJ hit the back of my knee, and I took John down with me, all of us squealing and laughing in the process.

The game had no clear winner, but I wasn't about to play again for the tie breaker.

I fixed my costume, putting my wings and halo back on.

“Riley, can we talk?” John said quietly as I joined Jake and Austin by all the snacks, grabbing a handful of peach rings.

Putting one in my mouth, I nodded.

He led me out back by the pool, where hardly anyone was even though it was warm. Suddenly, I wanted to swim. I controlled my urges, however, for John's speech. “I'm sorry, Riley.” He sighed, moving his hand up to his hair, but pausing as he realized he couldn't run his fingers through it.

“Don't.” I shook my head.

“Riley, I ju--”

“You meant it. That I was being ridiculous, and that I wasn't being fair.” I said to him, “And I see where you're coming from...but it's my choice, not yours.”

“Riley, I really really like you, and I don't want to see you--”

I cut him off once again, “You like me, huh? Why haven't we made anything official?” I asked. I'm not insecure about it, not much anyway, but he never defined it. He never even said much on it besides that he liked me. But, that could mean anything.

Like, he liked looking at me. Or that he liked stringing me along. That phrase could mean anything, really. “Is it just that you like messing with my head, making me think you like me, trying to get me to fall in love with you so that, when you tell me this was all a joke, my breakdown will be harder.”

Just as he opened his mouth again, I started speaking, “And, who said I was even going to not get treated? I just said that I wanted to be normal, and sure, mom was right, maybe I'll never be 'normal', but I just want to enjoy this,” I motioned around me, “I didn't say anything about after this was over.”

“Hey, Riley?” Calvin interrupted. “Your mom keeps calling my phone, is yours off or something?” He held his phone out to me. I wondered how much he heard.

I nodded, taking the phone and walked away from John to take the call from my mother. I walked to the front of the hotel, knowing I wouldn't be overheard here. “Mom?” I asked quietly, after that she might yell at me.

But, it was my father. “Honey,” He sighed, “Is your phone off?”

“Yeah, it's dead and I haven't had time to charge it.” I explained. “What did you need?”

“Riley, I understand...”

“You do?” I asked, not really believing it. But, I had always been a daddy's girl so I didn't doubt him too heavily.

“When my mother was going through her breast cancer for the second time, she refused to at first. You're like her in a lot of ways, you know.” He chuckled, remembering my grandma who had passed away around the same time I was diagnosed with the same thing she died of.

“You mean the fact we both have cancer?” I joked. I could only joked about it with him. Everyone else was too hesitant to make light of it. I didn't care really, it's not like I could change the fact that I had suffered from it. Sometimes, you have to learn to laugh at things.

“She eventually came around though, like I know you will.” he chuckled, “She was also the only one to ever laugh at it.”

“You do, too.” I pointed out.

“Only because I learned to from her.” He told me, “I miss you, baby girl.” He whispered.

“I miss you, too, daddy.” I matched his tone. “But, when I come back, I plan on going to my Oncologist.”

“I'm glad to hear that, baby girl.” He sighed with relief.

“I always planned on it.” I kind of lied. Mostly because I knew I would have to go, I just hadn't decided when.

“So, how are things. Are you having fun?” He asked. Where mom was always concerned about whether I was getting enough to eat, being safe, and staying away from strangers, dad always worried about whether I was having fun. I guess it's what I loved most about him.

“So much fun, dad. It's great, being on tour again.” I rushed.

“And, what's this about a boy Jordan told me about?”

I blushed, even though he couldn't see me, but then I felt disappointed. “We, uhhh, kind of got into a fight earlier today after my conversation with mom.”

“Wait, he knows?” Dad asked, surprised.

“Yeah...I told him a couple weeks ago. He was trying to talk me into getting chemo.” I explained, “When I really just wanted him there to...support me and just....make me forget about it, I guess.” I sighed, running my fingers through my hair.

“That means he really cares about you, Riley. Don't be angry at him, he's just...” Dad paused, searching for something to say. “My mom used to tell me stories about when she was first diagnosed with breast cancer. When she told dad, he flipped out. She got it at a young age, too, just before her and dad were married. They almost called it quits because she refused to get chemo before their wedding. She wanted to wait until after the honeymoon.” Dad reminisced, “Eventually, my dad won and the wedding was postponed...”

“What's your point dad?” I almost smiled at his seemingly relevant story.

“Point is, Riley, people fight for something, good or bad, because they're passionate about it. He's just fighting you on this because he cares for you a lot and doesn't want you to--” He cut himself off, unable to get the words out.

“I understand, dad.” I said quietly, sparing him from having to explain further. “I get it.”

“So cut the boy some slack, will you? You're both young, and he's probably scared.”

“I'm scared, too.” I agreed, “And, I will.”

“And, when you come home, I'm going to have to have a talk with this boy.”

I let out a loud laugh, “All right, dad. I'll be sure to bring him over.”

“Now, I'm going to hand you over to Brandon. He's doing a potty dance waiting to talk to you.” Dad chuckled. I gave him confirmation and there was a paused.

“OH MY GOD, RILEY! You won't believe what happened to me today!” He screeched, I had to pulled Calvin's phone away from me ear. Before telling him to go on, I laughed. “Autumn and I got an apartment together!”

“Really?” I squealed. I love my oldest brother's girlfriend. She had encouraged him to stop being a couch potato and told him to go back to school. And now, apparently, they were living together. “Do you move in tomorrow?” I asked.

“Yeah!” He sounded so happy.

“I'm happy for you, Bran.” I congratulated. “But, don't get her knocked up...” I thought about my statement. “Actually, do. Make sure it's a girl though, I want to dress her up like a doll.”

“Riley, there are some things I have no control over.” Brandon pointed out to me.

“Like your hormones?”

“I don't want to talk about those with my younger sister.” He groaned. “OH! Jordan told me you had a thing with Mr. O'Callaghan?”

“So, you want to talk about mine?”

“Ew, no. I just want to be informed so I know who I need to beat up if you ever come home crying.”

I smiled wide, “It's nice to know you guys have my back, really. But, I don't know...”

“What don't you know?”

“If it's even a 'thing' yet...we never really defined it and well, we got into a fight today.” I yet again explained.

After I was done explaining, Brandon hummed a long 'm' sound. “You know what?”

“What?”

“You really like him.”

“Yeah...and?”

“So, you should know what you should do...”

“Which is?” I baited.

“Run up to him, kiss him real hard and then take him to your room an--”

“STOP!” I exclaimed, “Right there. I don't want to hear that. And you shouldn't be telling me to do that. Aren't you supposed to say to wait until I'm married or something?”

“Why, Riley dearest, I have no idea what you are talking about. I was going to say take him to your room and tell him to stop worrying about you. You're a big girl, you can take care of yourself. And, for God sake's, tell him that you are going to get chemo when you come home. He doesn't need to worry like that.”

They were right, certainly, but I couldn't talk to John tonight. One, I had embarrassed myself by going off on him like I did, and two, he was probably drinking by now. He tended to do that at parties. He was a little buzzed when I had talked to him anyway.

“I will.” I nodded though I knew he couldn't see it. “Thanks, Brandon.”

“I approve of him, Riley.”

“You don't even know him!” I laughed.

“But, he makes you happy, doesn't he? And if he makes you happy, I have no reason to hate on him.”

“Awww.” I cooed. “You're such a sap.” I teased, though I was actually quite happy about the fact that he was supportive of John and our relationship...whatever that was.

“I try.” He replied cheekily.

“I have to go.” I started, I didn't want to run down Calvin's phone battery, “But tell Blake and Thomas that I love them...and hi.”

“Will do, Ri-Ri.” He said happily.

“And, Brandon?” I said in closing.

“Yeah?”

“Tell mom I'm really sorry for disappointing her and not telling her, and just...I'm really really sorry.”

“Okay, Riley. I love you.”

“I love you, too, B-ran.” I said, closing the phone.