When I Look at the Stars, I Feel Like Myself

The morning passes by rather quickly, and, despite the fit that Holland threw this morning, everything was pretty much normal. After getting Holland to try and eat even three pancakes, then turning into three bites, John came.

We shared some microwave pancakes and each had a glass of apple juice before heading to explore the venue. The mountains surrounding the place are snow covered already even though it's still November, and I shiver slightly in the walk.

We've only been on tour once before, but that was during the summer, so I didn't realize how cold it was in other states. Out the doors, I stare at the mountains a little bit more, “They look like a painting.” I mentioned, John standing beside me patiently.

“They're almost as beautiful as you.” John complimented, rocking back on his heels.

“Be serious, for once, please.”

“I'm always serious.” He again cheesed as he took hold of my hand, and we walked around the venue some more. It was a pretty neat place. The floor was black, and you could see stuck on gum and other weird patches of unknown substance and the rafters are just plain wood. That's not was catches my eyes, though, it's the disco ball hanging from the middlemost rafter, sparkling in what little lights were on in the place.

I had never actually seen a real disco ball being used like that. John leads me to the stage, where there is a red curtain covering the other half, and I wonder if they'll use that sometime tonight. Like, close it between acts and open it when they're about to start.

We climb up, peeking behind the curtain, eventually settling down at the edge.

“You know what makes me sad...” John started, pouting. My mind snapped back to him from Holland. It seemed a little too easy to get her to eat the pancakes this morning, even if it was only three bites. Not to mention the fit...but it seemed just...

I only want her to get better.

“Hmm?” I asked, looking towards him. We were sitting the venue stage, feet dangling and looking at the empty floor.

“We haven't gone on a real date yet and guess who is?”

“Elina and Zack.” I said, “So? I'm happy just sitting here with you. Talking.”

“As flattered as I am, I'm bored!” He whined, “And we weren't even talking.”

“Fine. What would we do?”

“We could to to In-N-Out burger.”

“They have those in Phoenix.” I groaned, “Let's go someplace they only have in—where are we?”

“Utah.” He informed.

“Let's go someplace only in Utah.” I bounced.

“Uhhhh...” John thought, “I don't know if it's a strictly Utah place, but we could go to Arctic Circle.” I groaned, getting up to go change. It was about twelve degrees outside (okay, maybe not that cold, but I was born in a desert, give me a break), and I was only in sweatpants and thin hoodie. When we hit the outside, I shivered, speeding up my walk to get to the bus faster. John said he had to grab something from his bus and we split.

Dressing in my favorite pair of flare jeans, my thickest socks, and a light pink low cut blouse. As I was tying my black converse, Jacket across my lap, John waltzed in, thick fake fur lined coat in his hands. It looked really warm. “Hmmm....” John said thoughtfully, “You look so good right now, I don't think I want to give this to you.” He pulled the coat out of my reach as I grabbed for it.

“But, John, I'm cold.” I whined.

“But, Riley, I only ever see you wear chunky hoodies or large flannel shirts.” He mocked my tone.

“You're such a man.” I rolled my eyes as he headed towards the bus door, still carrying the coat. “Hey!” I protested, “I'm going to freeze!” I complained. John just kept walking. “What if I promise to stop wearing hoodies so much?” I tried, already my teeth were chattering. I get cold really easy. John stopped and I practically pounced on the thick coat, cuddling to the fur.

“It's so soft.” I mumbled. John pulled me into his arms, adding more warmth. “You're a meany pooface, John.” I grumbled.

“What?” He asked, surprise making his voice raise an octave.

“You made me cold.” I stepped back, stern look on my face.

“But I also warmed you up.” He mentioned, giving me a smile I couldn't stay even fake mad at.

Realizing we would have to walk, I frowned deeply, “I'm going to turn into a Riley-sicle.”

“It is pretty cold.” John agreed.

“How does the temperature change so dramatically from one state to another? They're connected!” I exclaimed.

John smiled, “Classic first date. Talking about the weather.”

“Well, maybe if you were more interesting...” I trailed off, nonchalant. John let go of my hand and flipped the fur lined hood over my head. I couldn't see. I tilted my head back to look at him, sticking my tongue out.

“That wasn't very nice.” I said.

“Your nose is red.” He poked it.

“Don't try to change the subject, Mr. Ohh.” I reprimanded much like a teacher would a student.

“But, you're cute.”

“You're so cheesy.” I rolled my eyes, flipping the hood back again, Just in time for John to swoop down and plant a kiss on my cheek.

“But I'm yours.” He grinned, then started humming the Jason Mraz song. This man could do nothing wrong.

“We're here!” John sang after a good twenty minutes of walking in the cold and I felt my toes would fall off. John swung the door open, letting me go first. I gave a cheer and let the warmth sink into me slowly. We ordered our food, got our drinks, and sat down at a booth. Noticing I was still shivering slightly, John sat beside me. He wrapped me in his arms.

When I buried my face in his neck, he flinched, “Your nose feels like an ice cube.” He mentioned, searching for my hand. The one he had held the whole way here was warm while the other was red with cold. “Awww, poor you. Maybe this wasn't a good idea.”

“It gives us an excuse to snuggle in public.” I smiled, my shivering had stopped, but the cold remained.

“You know, that's a good point.” John once again put that hood over my head, chuckling.

Soon, the food was in front of us and I was eager to have the hot substance in my stomach.

“Okay.” John said after going to the counter by the soda and getting two plastic condiment cups full of this salmon-ish colored sauce. He sat down, grabbing a fry and dipping it in. “You have to try it.” He then held the fry out to me.

I glanced at it skeptically, I wasn't really a big fan of eating anything pink. Especially when I had no idea what it was. “What's in it?” I asked.

“I have no idea, but it's good.” John said. Reluctantly, I took the fry from him and took a bite. As I chewed, I dipped it back in the unknown sauce. “Ew, double dipper!” John said childishly, pulling the cup away from me.

I swallowed, “We've shared enough germs.” I said to John, completely ignoring his protest and dipping the fry in. These fries were huge!

“So, you like it?”

“Yeah, though the fries are good enough without it.”

“This is also true.” He nodded. My feet swung as I ate, as they normally did as I did a little happy dance.

And, when we were done, John stupidly got a milkshake, even though I reminded him how cold it was.

“You can't just not get a milkshake. In fact, I'm appalled at you.”

“Well, excuse me, Mr. Ohh.” I grumbled.

“Come on, just taste.” He held out a spoonful with a large cookie dough chunk on it.

“You know, I've always wanted to see if the cookie dough in this ice cream would bake like real cookies.” I pointed.

John's face lit up. “That's a fantastic idea!”

Oh, no.

He shoved the spoon in my face once again, “Taste.” He said impatiently. “And, hurry up, we have to get back to the bus.”

“What are you planning, John?” I asked suspiciously.

“We're going to make cookies.” He grinned, pulling me out of the booth. With one last wave to the ladies behind the counter, we went out into the cold once again, going faster than before.

We reached the bus in a little over fifteen minutes, cold and shivering. “Where's the fire?” Garret asked as John rushed to the kitchen area, going for the toaster over with the milkshake he had eaten on the way, picking around all the cookie pieces.

“We're making cookies, apparently.” I shrugged, joining John. “This is silly, John.” I laughed as he got out a square of tin foil to put the cookies on. “I'm not even sure a toaster oven in like a real one.”

“Sure it is, we're made cookies in it before.” He said distractedly, totally focused on the task at hand. He's so cute when he's determined.

“I'm going to make a little person shape.” I announced, rolling a piece up to make a stick figure body, using more for his limbs and head. I always loved making weird shapes with my cookie dough.

Soon, we were laughing. They were like cookies, they were just smaller and took less time.

“I wonder if this is how they make 'Cookie Crisps.'” John popped one of the miniature cookies in his mouth.

“Yeah, John,” I started sarcastically, “Because they buy ice cream and pick out all the cookie dough, just for a breakfast cereal.” I still smiled as I ate the cookie, my man shaped one in the toaster oven.

“Looks like you two are having fun.” Kennedy came in from the back.

“They've been laughing like hyenas.” Garret mentioned from the booth on his laptop.

“Look, Kenny!” I held out our creations, “We made mini-cookies!” I smiled childishly.

“Really?” Disbelief covered his features, “From what?”

“Cookie Dough ice cream.” John stated simple.

“That's something I would expect from Jack, not you.” Kennedy looked at John.

“It was her idea.” John blamed, pointing at me.

“Guilty!” I piped up, chewing another cookie.

“Can I have one?” Kenny asked and I pulled the possessively to my chest.

“What's the magic word?” I glared.

“Please?” Kennedy smiled wide.

“No.” I denied.

“Unicorn?”

“Close enough.” I said, holding them out and he took one. I even gave some to Garret.

“You know, I never would have done this on my own.” I mentioned as we finished up the last of my cookie man, throwing away the tin foil.

“And that's why you have me. To pull you into all kinds shenanigans.” He smiled.

“Well, I can think of a few other things...” I trailed off.

“Like?”

“Kissing, hugging, teasing.” I listed.

“But, it's mainly because I'm fun right?”

“Ehhhh....” I let out, “I mainly enjoy making out with you.” I joked, glad everyone else left a couple minutes ago so they wouldn't make gagging noises.

“Really?” Another smile lit up John's face as he inched closer. “You think I'm a good kisser?”

“I never said that, you're okay.”

“Ow, my ego, you've wounded it.” John whispered, now only centimeters away.

“You'll get over it.” I smiled against his lips.

His lips tasted like the cookies we had just ingested, only sweeter. It didn't take long for my arms to find their way around his neck, fingers twisting in his hair, me standing on my toes. His hands ran lightly down the curves of my body, then his strong arms wrapped around my waist.

“I take it back.” I said slightly out of breath, “You're a great kisser.”

“I knew you'd see the light.” He answered, pulling me in for another kiss. When he kissed me, it seemed as though it was his soul purpose in life. In fact, it was even like that when he held me. As if I was the only thing he ever wanted in life.

How selfish of me.

Faintly, I heard the bus door open, and steps approaching, but I couldn't pull away from from John, especially not as his fingers slipped into my hair, pressing me closer.

“We leave you alone for five minutes, and you're already canoodling like junkyard rabbits!” Jared called us out. There were so many things wrong with that statement.

“It's like watching a porno.” Pat sounded. That one too.

At the sound of his band mates' voice, John had sighed and disengaged himself from me. “You guys suck.” He groaned, resting his forehead on my collarbone, defeated.

“Hey, guys.” I greeted.

“See, John, that,” Pat motioned to me, “Is how you should greet your best friends.” John moved his middle finger up to point it in their direction.

I quickly grabbed hold of it, “John!” I exclaimed, while the other two boys laughed.

“Naw, don't worry, he does that to us all the time.” Pat waved off.

“It's how he tells us he loves us.” Jared added.

“Well, I don't think that's healthy.” I grumbled, John still hadn't moved his head from my shoulder. He grunted in response, nuzzling my neck with his nose.

“What else do you want to do today?” He mumbled as Jared and Pat went on their merry way to the back room. “We could snuggle some more.”

“As much as I would love to go and do that, I have to meet with the band.” I sighed, looking at a text. I took my hand from his hair, and reached out for him. Only his head was touching me.

He accepted my embrace eagerly, going to kiss the top of my head, mumbling his farewell as I went to the door, grabbing the big fuzzy coat on the way out.

-John-

I was actually kind of relieved Riley left. What I had been holding back from my mind for the passed three weeks hit me like a speeding train. The backroom door slid shut behind me and I sighed, running a hand through my hair. “What's up?” Jared asked, “Where's Riley?”

“She had to go meet with the rest of the band. Where are Ken and Garret?” I asked.

“At the venue doing who knows what.” Pat said, “I can call them...”

“Thanks.” I nodded, sitting down heavily on the couch.

“What's wrong, man?” Jared asked once again.

“I'll tell you when everyone gets here.” I whispered. I was close to falling apart now. Finally. I feel like I should have done this before. Break down, I mean. She's dying, and I was laughing. She's dying and I joked.

She's dying and I think I've fallen in love with her.

It didn't take very long for Kennedy and Garret to show up. I rested my head in my hands, pressing the palms into my stinging eyes, my elbows resting on my knees. I took a shaky breath, gearing up to start. “Riley has cancer.” I let out, feeling my palms start to get slick with tears.

She's dying and I know I can't tell her I'm in love her.

There was a stunned silence. Then, “What?” The word came from Garret's mouth in a whoosh of air.

“Riley has breast cancer.” I say again, and this time, my voice cracks.

I can't tell her because she'll only fight harder.

“But—bu—b,” Garret stutters out, “No!” He finally protests.

It just a heck of a lot more real. I can't take this.

“How long have you known?” Pat asks softly, sympathy covering his words.

“Three weeks.” I don't lift my head to look at them, I'm too busy crying, “And every day it gets more r-real, a-and.” I have to stop, because now there is a giant painful lump in my throat.

“Cancer?” Jared ask, still not believing. “How long has she known?”

I struggle to talk as I explain, my voice not wanting to work. It hurt. My chest, it felt like my heart was being gripped tightly by razor-sharp claws.

I can't tell her because, if she can't fight any longer, I don't want her to go through all that extra pain just for me.

“I want to give her the world, but I don't have the time. I want to do so much for her, but I can't. I want to show her so much, be with her, but the time is running out.” I sob, babbling, “Today, while we were walking, you know what she said to me?”

“What?” Kennedy asked.

“She said that, if it weren't for me, she wouldn't even get Chemo, she wouldn't have told anyone. Because, before she met me, she had given up.” I rub my eyes, still not pulling my hands away, “She just said it as a random thought, but to me, it meant much more than that. Sh—she said that and since then...it's all been settling in. I can't hold this back anymore, and I don't know what to d-do.” I admit pathetically, “What if I—what if she—I can't...” I jumble out in a big mess.

I can't tell her because she might die anyway. I can't do that to her. I can't let her think she's letting me down. Because she won't be, as long as I have the time I do with her, I won't regret it, I won't.

Someone's arms wraps around my shoulders, I think it's Garret. “My advice is to keep doing what you have been. It's great.” His voice whispers in my ear. “It helps her, I think.”

“I can't...I can't be strong anymore.” I tell him, “I can't.” I pull my hands away from my eyes. There are tracks down my wrist where the tears have slid. “It's hard to smile when she's dying.” My voice shatters on the last word, making it barely understandable.

“Just...be there for her.” Kennedy puts in, “Like we're here for you.”

I keep my head lowered, still leaning forward. More tears slowly fall down my cheeks and I sag into Garret's arms.

I decide, falling apart in Garret's arms when I desperately want them to be Riley's, but know they can't be, that I will show Riley, with the rest of the time we have on tour, what it means to be alive. She said she's never really lived, and I'm going to show her the time of her life. We'll go places she's never been, see things she never has.

I want to see that sparkle in her beautiful dark eyes.

But, it's so hard to think of doing that when I'm this scared. If it was this hard for me, I can't imagine what it must be like for the rest of her friends. Or even Riley herself.

Like me, she must be terrified, even more so, I believe. And that only makes my chest hurt worse.