When I Look at the Stars, I Feel Like Myself

In the hotel room, I cuddle into Zack's side, watching a movie with the rest of his band. I'm kind of glad that at the beginning of tour, this arrangement was made. It worked out for the best, even though I was pissed about it before.

It's nice to be Zack's girlfriend. He makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, just by looking at me. He might convince me to stay in Arizona. Scratch that, he will convince me to stay. I'll help Riley through her treatments, and help Holland get better. I'll be okay, even if it comes time for Riley to leave us.

I hope that doesn't happen, but if it does... I'm pretty sure I could handle it.

“What are you thinking about?” Zack asks me, playing with my fingers.

I look around, and everyone's gone. “Where is everyone?”

“They went to get food, or something,” he answers, shrugging.

“Oh.” I say, closing my eyes, “Well, to answer your question, I was thinking about how nice it is to be your girlfriend,”

“Tell the truth,”

“That is the truth,” I say. Well, part of it.

He shoots me a look, but accepts it, “Okay,”

I wrap my arms around his bare waist. This guy must have something against shirts. Not that I'm complaining or anything...

I'm still confused on why I'm so comfortable around Zack. Even now, I still can't let all of my band get too close. Even though they know about what happened to me.

Yeah, even now, it's still difficult to say the word in my mind.

“What are you doing New Year's?” Zack questions.

“Random, and you got that song stuck in my head,” I complain, and start singing it out loud, “Out of a thousand, invitations, you'll receive...”

“I love your singing, but please stop,” Zack laughs.

“What do you got against Donny?” I ask.

“What?”

“I was singing the Donny Osmond version...”

“Osmond, huh?”

“Yeah, my mom used to play him all the time, during the holidays. She started playing Christmas music while making Thanksgiving Dinner,” I sigh in nostalgia.

“Before your aunt died?”

“Yeah,”

“Why don't you celebrate Christmas anymore?” he asks.

I sigh. I knew this would come up eventually, but I didn't think it would be during a moment that seemed so perfect.

“Well, our mom was always gone, so Erin and I just didn't decorate. We gave each other gifts, but not anyone else. We had each other, and at that time, we were all we had,” I start, “I just stopped after she died, there was no one to give to anymore,”

“What about your band?”

“They thought I never celebrated. Not even Dalton knows,” I explain, “I don't get them gifts, and they don't get me gifts. It works out,”

“Christmas isn't just about the gifts,” Zack complains, and is about to continue.

“You think I don't know that?” I almost scream at him, “It's about your family! I know that, but maybe when you've got no family left, you'll understand!” I yell at him, standing up from the couch, and rushing to the door. I don't want him to see me cry, not this time.

“Well, don't you consider your band your family?” he asks.

I wish he wouldn't have made me realize that. Because, in my experience, family members die. That's what they all do.

And sometimes, they just leave, like my mom. They just fall out of the family.

Well, like mother, like daughter.

X

Soon, I run into Alex. He's standing in the hall, no doubt talking to Sierra. He takes the phone away from his ear, and tucks it away in the pocket of his pants.

“Hey, Lina,” he greets casually, “What's up?”

“Zack upset me,” I answer honestly.

“Yeah, he was the first one of us on that douche bag website,”

I laugh, getting more relaxed and comfortable by the second.

We talk for a while, just about nothing in general. I don't know how or why, but we got on the subject of Erin, and his brother, Danny. The one he wrote 'Lullabies' about.

“Does it... still hurt sometimes?” I ask, wanting to be assured that my pain was normal.

“Yeah, every time I think about when I found out, my chest hurts, and I can hardly breathe,” he admits, “It used to be that I hurt every time I just thought about him, but now, I just feel what I felt at the time it happened,” he pauses, “Did that make sense?”

“Not really,” I shook my head.

“Well,” he sighs in thought, “right after he... went through with his decision, if it was a happy memory, I would still feel sad, and angry. But now, if it's a happy memory, I feel happy again,” he finishes, “It's kind of hard to explain,”

I nod, attempting to understand. I think, what I can take from this, that it's okay for me to still be hurting, and it will eventually stop hurting so much.

“Your pain right now, it's perfectly normal,” Alex continues, as if he read my thoughts, “I'm sure you were hurting even worse when it first happened?”

I nod, not wanting to give an audible conformation for some reason.

“There.” he states simply, “That's proof that it gets better. It already has, hasn't it?”

Alex can be a real pain sometimes, like when he macks on his girlfriend right in front of me, but he also give the best advice and pep talks in the world.

“You should make up with Zack,” he states quietly, “I'm sure you don't want to spend what little time you have left with him on this tour glaring at each other,”

“I know,” I mumble, toeing the carpet as we walk back to our room.

“So, how 'bout you guys have a steamy make-out session when we get back? I'll take the guys bowling or something,” he nudges me suggestively.

I blush a deep scarlet, “N-no,” I stutter, “I can't d-do that yet,”

“Why not?” he asks, honestly confused, “When you guys cuddle up on the couch, it always looks like you're about to,” he pauses, “It's a little gross,”

My blush grows deeper, as I reach for the door knob. I turn it, but the door won't open.

“Uhh, I think you need this?” Alex asks, pulling out a plastic card.

The room key. I blush once more, muttering, “Oh, yeah,”

“You're so cute sometimes,” Alex coos.

He slides the card in, waits for the light to turn green, and opens the door. I step into the room, and look around. Jack is passed out on the bed, Rian is doing something on his laptop, and Zack is lifting weights.

Holy sweet mother of Jesus, he's got some big muscles. I'm not looking at them because big muscles turn me on, or anything. They're just so... impressive.

I tear my eyes away, not wanting to seem like I'm staring. I was, but that's beside the point.

“Alright, I gotta go make a food run,” Alex announces. I swear, these boys couldn't go two hours without something to eat, “Anyone want to come with?”

“I'm totally in,” Rian says, “There's nothing to do here,”

Jack springs up from the bed, all sleeping forgotten, “Where are we going?” he sings, clapping his hands three times.

“Wal-mart, probably,” Alex says passively.

“Wow? You didn't get the Dora reference?” When Alex tries to amend his mistake, Jack puts his hand up, “No, your chance came and went,”

“Alright let's go...” Alex leads the way out the door, his head hanging in defeat.

“Wait!” I call, “You didn't ask me or... Zack,” They're at the elevator before I got the third word out.

I sigh, shutting the door and leaning against it. I'm not mad at Zack anymore, I don't think I was in the first place. I want to make up with him, but I don't know how.

My eyes are closed, and I think I definitely need a shower. Just because I need some time alone away from everyone else.

“Elina,” Zack says, touching my side. My eyes shoot open.

“Zack,” I say simply, staring up into his intense green eyes. His hand cups the side of my face, while his other pulls me closer.

“I'm sorry,” he mumbles, our lips so close that when they move, they brush together. The feeling is enough to make my eyes flutter closed, and my whole body to inch forward to his.

“You don't have to be,” I whisper against his lips, “I wasn't even mad at you in the first place,”

He closes the gap between us, and our lips move together. In perfect sync, perfect harmony. His fingers lace into my hair, holding me in place and pressing my lips closer to his. He sucks on my bottom lip, and the feeling is so good, that I have to pull away to get my breath back.

He rests his forehead on mine, closing his eyes. His breathing is heavy, like mine, but after a few moments, it slows and returns to normal.

“Hey Zack,” I say, barely audible.

“Hmm?” he vocalizes, eyes opening.

“I...” I trail off, “Thanks,” I say, pulling him into a hug, standing on my tiptoes to place my chin in the crook of his neck.

“You're welcome,”

“I'm sorry that I can't... do things a normal girlfriend would,” I start, but he cuts me off.

“Don't ever be sorry for that,” he pulls away to look in my eyes, voice serious and eyes full of warning, “I don't care if you won't have sex with me. That is what I normally look for in a relationship,” he admits, “But with you... Being beside you is enough. Don't get me wrong, I can't wait until you're ready, but I'm not mad or upset that you're not right now,”

I stare at him in disbelief. When did I ever get so lucky to have someone like Zack?

“Remember when I said that All Time Low was the best thing that ever happened to me?”

I want to correct him, and say that he actually said that Maryland was the best thing, but I don't want to ruin the moment, so I just nod instead.

“Well, I don't think that will ever change. It might get boring sometimes, but doesn't every job? I don't think it will change, because it's how I met you,” he smiles, tracing my bottom lip with his finger, “You changed my life, Elina. For the better,”

I smile, and pull him down for another kiss.

X

We're headed down to Montana, six o'clock in the morning.

“What do you want to get a tattoo of?” Dalton asks, walking to me with a bowl of cereal in his hand.

Oh, yeah. That tattoo parlor is in this state.

“Uh, I haven't really thought about it,” I answer honestly.

“Well, you better start thinking, because we're going there in four hours,”

“Why are you up so early?” Riley asks groggily, stepping off the elevator.

“Well, I never went to sleep,” Dalton says.

“And I went to bed early,” I shrug.

“Why are you up?” Dalton returns.

“I'm going for a run,” she says, as I take note of her running shoes.

“Alright, have fun, sex monkey,” Dalton calls after her.

“What the fuck, Dalton?”

“What?” he asks defensively, “It's a pet name,”

“I think you need a brain-to-mouth filter,” I mumble, taking a sip of my milk.

After a few moments of sitting there, our stomachs full (which is a surprising defeat, for Dalton), we start to get bored.

“What shall we do for...” he looks at an imaginary watch, “Three hours?”

I blow hair off my forehead, and look to the ceiling.

“Let's talk about your tattoo,” Dalton suggests.

“Alright,” I say.

“Where do you want it?”

I think about this. I can't think of a place that isn't too intimate for someone else to touch. I can't even think about being comfortable with a stranger touching any part of my body.

“Lina?”

“Oh. Um...” I scratch my head, “I don't think I want one. Anymore,”

“What?” he exclaims, “You should get one,” he pushes, “C'mon. Just behind your ear?”

I sigh. I guess behind the ear wouldn't be too bad. Though, my ear is very sensitive.

“I'll get one behind my ear,” I agree, “And one on my toe...” it just popped out of my mouth, I didn't even think about it.

“Your toe?” he questions.

“Just a star,” I say, “I mean, it would be cute, don't you think so?”

“Yeah... a plain black one?”

“Yeah! The one that goes like this:” I draw the shape on the table, two curved lines on top, one on the sides and bottom.

“Yeah, that would be cute,” he agrees, “What about behind your ear?”

“Uh,” I pause, thinking.

“Maybe a... memorial?” he suggests, “To Erin?”

“That sounds like a great idea,” my eyes light up, “but... what will it be?”

“Her initials? I mean, they're the same as yours, but...”

“Her initials, her birth date, and death date,” I decide, nodding my head. “On the back of my neck. And underneath it, I'll put something else. Something symbolic,”

“Like what?”

“Lyrics, to a song,” I state, “I'll have to figure that out, though,”

“Alright,” Dalton says.

After a few moments of silence, Dalton says, “Well, that killed thirty minutes,”

“Sonic?” I suggest.

“Hell yes,”

X

Dalton ended up falling asleep, so I started a new game of Crisis Core on my PSP. I returned to the All Time Low hotel room, and lay down next to Zack.

He wakes up, after I scream at the stupid Genesis Clones for the fifth time.

“Good morning,” he yawns, slinging an arm around my shoulder.

“Damn it all to fuck!” I exclaim, “That bitch-fucker!”

“Are you okay?”

“Shit, fuck, damn,” I say, admitting defeat as Sephiroth pushed me off the ledge.

“What are you playing?”

“Crisis core.” I answer, opting to shut off the device to calm down a bit, “Sorry, I have video game Tourettes,”

He laughs, the sound filling my ears, and making me warm inside.

“You're so cute,”

“Right back atcha, Zackykins,” I say, still blushing.

“I need a cute name for you,” he states.

“Fire away,”

After a hundred scrapped ideas, he sighs, and says, “I got nothing,”

“You can... call me Li-Li,” I state. That nickname is reserved for the people that hold my highest amount of trust. I made the mistake of letting someone I shouldn't have trusted call me that, and I still regret it. I won't with Zack, though. Even if he does betray me.

“Sounds nice,” he says, playing with my fingers.

Yeah, it really does.

X

“Have you decided on the lyrics yet?” Dalton asks, on our bus heading to the parlor.

“Yeah, but it's a surprise.” I say.

“Will you just tell me the band?” he pleads.

“Nope!” I exclaim, popping the 'p'.

“Plllleeeeaaasssseeeee?” he draws out, clasping his fingers together, and kneeling on the ground.

“Fine,” I huff, “New Found Glory,”

“What song?” he asks, “'When I Die'?”

“No, 'Sonny'” I say, mainly because I need help choosing which one.

“There's... Everything happens for a reason, or Pictures fade away but memory is forever, or It takes a lot to let go, or, last one, For now we'll say goodbye,” I list.

“Hmm... I like...” he places a finger on his chin, stroking it.

“I was going to do small decorations around it, too, so keep that in mind,”

“Well, pictures,” he shortens it, “Is a little long for a neck tattoo,” he says, “and Everything happens for a reason is a little... unfitting,”

“Okay, so that leaves two,” I say.

“Do, For now, we'll say goodbye,”

“Okay,” I close. I was thinking that one all along.

I can't wait for it, anymore. I don't even want the stupid star anymore. If I had to choose between the two, I'd definitely get the one dedicated to Erin Rachel Burgundy.