When I Look at the Stars, I Feel Like Myself

During performances, there isn't a lot to do, really. I have to stay close to the stage in case something goes wrong with the equipment, which it hasn't yet, knock on wood, so usually I just sit and space out.

I like to think that it's because I'm so awesome that the equipment is too afraid to malfunction when I'm around. Like, the Chuck Norris of sound techs or something. That would be cool.

The past few days I've mainly thought about everything that happened that day on the bus. Holland's eating disorder, Elina's rape, Riley's cancer. I made me really...sad. It kind of felt like they didn't trust us enough to tell us. At least, that's how it felt to me.

Tonight, as Calvin' jumped around and they all joked onstage, I thought about Marcee. About our mom. Probably just because Cal mentioned it earlier. I was pretty young, I guess, when mom passed away. I mean, that's what everyone always said, that I was young. But, she was gone long before that.

Calvin always tried to make me go into another room, or have me hide in a closet when mom came home drunk and high with a new man of the evening, but I always heard. I sometimes suffered the hunger. There were just somethings Calvin couldn't protect me from.

Mom and her boyfriend, Gerald was his name I think, were screaming at each other. Mom didn't have any money again for what she was given by him. I don't know what she was always taking from these guys, but they were mad when she didn't pay them.

It was something worth a lot of money.

Her words were mumbled and slurred, I couldn't understand them, and I don't know how Gerald did. But he answered back in a clear and harsh voice.

Calvin pushed me into the closet, telling me to cover my ears. I did as I was told, because I didn't like the words they were saying to each other. “Stay in here with me, please.” I whimpered, afraid that they would find me in here. They might hurt Calvin, too, if he stays out there.

Many of mom's boyfriends have. I didn't want to see Calvin hurt. Calvin nodded slowly, and sat next to me, his arms around me.

I was only six when mom started bringing different guys home every week, and a little younger when she started using. It didn't matter what it was, as long as it made her get high or hallucinate or whatever, she would take it.

And, it would eventually be the death of her.

“Mommy?” I whined, trying to wake her up. She was lying face down on her bed.

“Don't touch her.” Calvin warned, picking up mom's cell phone. “I'm going to call Marcee.”

“What's wrong with her?” I asked, turning to Calvin. “Is she okay?”

“I don't think so, Reese.”

I remember thinking how serious it must have been because he used my real name. I had always known myself to be 'RJ'. Not Reese. When I was that age I vaguely knew my name even was Reese. I barely remember that fact now, even.

The lights flashing in the window hurt my eyes. There were blues and reds and even a few yellows. Marcee was talking to the police, after Calvin had talked to them.

Another policeman comes up to me, “I need to ask you a few questions.” He said, making me feel like a little kid again. I nodded quickly, looking at Calvin. Calvin gave me a reassuring nod, but there was something in his eyes.

The policeman asked questions I didn't know the answer to. I felt even more like I little kid when I didn't understand and he had to ask the question again slower and in simpler terms.

Within about an hour, everything was cleared out, and we were being taken away in a car. “What's happening?” I asked, looking at Calvin again.

“I don't know, RJ.” He whispered, he seemed frightened. I didn't understand. “But I love you. If we don't see each other again after this, I love you so much.”

“I don't want to leave you, Calvin.” I cried, shaking my head as I threw my arms around him. “I love you, too.”

I remember Calvin clutching my hand as we stood at the funeral home, Marcee was there with us. It was the first time since mom's death that Calvin and I were out of the Foster Home.

I remember not crying, people blamed it on me not understanding. I was only twelve, after all.

But I understood perfectly well, mom was dead. She wasn't coming back.

After the funeral, we went back to Marcee's place as we often did before, but this time it was different. All our toys were there, the little that we had, and there were beds, actual beds for us in an extra room.

“Are we staying with you, Miss Marci?” I asked, a little excited at the possibility.

She smiled down at me, “Yeah, RJ, you'll be staying with me. Calvin, too.”

“You mean it?” I was beaming. “Forever?”

“As long as you want.” She confirmed.

Maybe I didn't understand after all, because I was actually happy. My mother just died and I was happy. I should at least have cried.

Calvin's scream in accomplishment interrupted my thoughts, They still had about ten minutes in their set, and already they were sweaty and out of breath.

Calvin admired Marcee, too, I knew that, but he always had it in his head that he was the only one allowed to take care of me. It took him a while to come around and fully accept Marcee. He always felt he needed to do it on his own.

I coughed, and Calvin got me the thermometer. “Here, take this too.” He said, handing me a small pill. “It's a Motrin.”

“I'm going to get you sick, Calvin.” I said hoarsely.

“I'll be fine.” He grunted.

“Hey, Cal, don't worry, I got it, you go do your homework.” Marcee said, coming in with a warm yarn blanket and a pillow. “We don't want you sick too.”

“I'll do it when he's sleeping.” Calvin answered. Marcee frowned slightly, but accepted his persistence and walked out of the room.

At times it was a little annoying, Calvin always hanging over me. I was a teenager, I didn't need help from my older brother. I wasn't a child. But it had always like that.

I didn't know if it was because he was skeptical of Marcee at first, because nobody could possibly be that nice to us. I was fully trustful of her, I never once thought that she would leave. But, Calvin always thought the worst of every situation at that time.

He had never had any other proof that things could end up different, that things could end up happy. Calvin's a bit of a skeptic. He needs to take a big look around, see all the fans, the success, how happy we are now. How happy we were with Marcee.

I think, somewhere deep down, he knows.

“Thank you so much!” I grinned at Marcee, enjoying the new skateboard for her. Even if it wasn't a famous name brand or anything, it was more than we got from our mother ever.

Christmas was better this year than we ever got, and it wasn't just because of the presents. We didn't have to wonder if we were even going to get fed today, the next. And Marcee's smile and enthusiasm beat out any bad thing.

“Okay, now, who is up for Christmas carols?” Marcee asked, the wrapping paper all cleaned up and the dinner all eaten. With leftovers.

“Marcee...” I whined, but followed her to the piano. “Why?”

“Because they're fun.” She shrugged, tapping on the keys. “And you two have the best voices.” She added. “Which one is your favorite, Calvin?” Marcee asked him, turning her eyes in his direction.

“I like...” He began and paused a moment to think, “I like 'Silent Night'”

“That's one of my favorites too!” She exclaimed, playing a string of notes on the piano, and she started singing.

I could almost hear Marcee's voice again as I spaced out, a large smile on my face. You know, I think it was then that Calvin really started getting into singing. Marcee always encouraged us to do what we loved, and when she said she loved when we sang, Calvin decided he liked it too.

“Hey, little bro!” Calvin captured me in a headlock, giving me a noogie as he hopped offstage, the last one off as he revved up the crowd a little more than necessary. But that was Calvin for you. He has a way with people, and with the spotlight.

“Dude!” I exclaimed, trying to push him off me. “I have to go do my job now.” I punched his arm lightly, getting onstage.

As I was unhooking Elina's keyboard, my pocket started vibrating, a call. I looked at the I.D. It was Marcee. “Hello?” I started, plugging my other ear in order to hear her.

“Hey, RJ, are you busy?”

“Yeah, they just got offstage, can I call you back in like...fifteen minutes.”

“Oh, yeah, of course. I never remember what times I'm supposed to call.” She laughed.

She was always like this, always forgetful. But never once did she forget us. Sometimes, I even compared her to an angel. An angel sent from heaven to look over Calvin and me.

“Awww, both my little boys are sick.” Marcee frowned, coming in the living room with bowls of chicken soup. I was curled up on one side of the couch, Calvin on the other. I knew I would get him sick if he always hung over me like he had been.

“I'm not little.” I coughed, stomach churning. We had only been living with Marcee for a month and a half.

“But you have a fever.” She said, “So you're going to be treated like a big baby.” She cooed, feeling my forehead.

Calvin coughed pathetically, earning her attention. I took a bowl of soup, sipping the broth. “You know, they say brothers share everything, but I think you two are taking it too literal.” She chuckled as she got both of us to start eating our food.

“Thanks, Marcee.” Calvin coughed again, and it was really the first time I heard him say it.

“Hey, RJ, how is everything?” Marcee greeted me when she picked up her phone. I bit my lip lightly, trying to form everything into words. “RJ?”

“Not so great, honestly. I mean, tour's great...but...I don't know...” I sighed.

“What's wrong, hun?” She asked. I could just imagine that worried look on her face.

“You know Holland, the blue haired chick?” I asked, when she gave a noise of understanding, I continued, “She's got an eating disorder.”

“That's terrible! She's already so thin!”

“Well, we're trying to help her, but there's not much you can do if she's not cooperating...but I guess she it. She's putting up with all of Ross' rules...and Elina, the short brunette...she's had some problems too.” I vented.

“Like what?”

“Like...being abused my her mom's boyfriends...” I started, “And that's not even it, there's probably more she's not saying. And...and Riley--”

“The one Calvin has a crush on.” Marcee said factually.

“What?” This sure was news to me.

“You mean, you've never noticed?” Marcee giggled at me being clueless. “It's so obvious. He's totally in love.”

“Whether Calvin likes her or not...she's...she's sick...” I paused, “She's got breast cancer.”

“Oh, RJ...” She sighed, “I'm sorry.”

“It's going to be hard, when we all come back, you know?” I sighed, “But we'll pull through.”

She offered up her sympathies, and then we hung up. “Hey, guys.” I said upon entering the dressing room. From our band, the only ones missing were the three girls. “Where are our girls?” I asked, even though I figured they were with their boy toys.

Oh, God, I think I'm turning into Dalton.

“Holland is with Jack, Elina is with Zack, and Riley went to take a shower and go to the bus to sleep.” Ross reported, eyes trained on his solitaire game.

“Riley's not with John?” I asked, surprised, then looked at Calvin after seeing Ross shrug.

There was only one other time I knew Calvin liked someone. And, that time, too, Marcee knew before I did. Was there something that guys just missed, that girls could see?

Maybe women could read minds.

“Calvin!” Marcee called, “Jenny is on the phone!” She came into the room after a couple seconds and Calvin had picked up the receiver.

She sat next to me, “So, she's been calling a lot, huh?” Marcee said, making conversation, “And Valentine’s Day is coming up soon. As long as I'm helping him pick out something, do you need help, too, RJ? Even though you're a little young for a girlfriend...”

I shook my head, and blushed. There actually was someone.

So, the next day she took us to a flower shop. It wasn't that big of a place, but it smelled like heaven. “Okay, Cal...do you know her favorite flower?” Marcee asked, looking at all the arrangements.

“I don't know...roses?”

“That's a good choice...” Marcee regarded thoughtfully. Ten minutes later, Calvin was filling out a note card for half a dozen roses, then Marcee turned to me. “Alright, RJ, confess. Who is she?”

I mumbled out her name and kicked at the ground. “Well, then we should buy her a pink carnation, don't you think?”

I sat next to Calvin. “Do you think...” I started, a little nervous to how he would react. “When we get back, so you think we could go to mom's grave?”

Calvin looked at me, surprised. I was surprised myself. We'd only went to her grave once before. “Yeah, I guess. Why?” He answered.

I shrugged, “I don't know...we haven't gone since I was sixteen...and I just think it would be a good idea.”

“It has been a while.” He said, examining his phone.

It was rare for the air in Arizona to have a chill, but this particular day, it did. I zipped up my light jacket up, not used to the cold breeze. I didn't know what we were doing here, really, except paying our respects to our mother, but the last time I saw this place was at the funeral.

Calvin had a few white roses in his hands, and they shook slightly as he shivered a little since he didn't have on a jacket.

We stared down at the headstone, our mother's name engraved in it. Along with a short epitaph that read: Loving mother, friend, and sister.

It was lie. She didn't care about her kids, she didn't have many friends, and her family never talked to her after she had Calvin out of wedlock.

Only one of her siblings was even at the funeral.

After he had answered, a silence settled over us. I glanced at Ross. It may have seemed like he was playing an innocent game of solitaire and so absorbed, but really he was listening to everything we were saying. So I didn't know whether or not I should bring up the whole Riley thing.

Instead, I thought back to the first time Calvin came home from practice with the new bass player.

The door swung open and Calvin entered. “Dude! This new bass player, her name is Riley, is so amazing. She's only been playing for about four years and she's one of the best we've seen so far. Even better than the guy who had been playing since he was four.”

“You seem excited.” Marcee mentioned, a knowing smile on her face.

“Yeah, this means we can actually be a band and, you know, play shows.” He was beaming. “Apparently she moved from Tuscon about three years ago, and she met Elina on her first day of school, and they've been friends since. Why Elina just found out a week ago that she played is a mystery to me. But, now that our band is complete, I have a good feeling about this.” He rambled on and on about Riley, the new bass player.

I felt I knew her whole life story without even meeting her after five minutes. All the while, Marcee's smile just kept getting bigger.

At the time I just marked it up to his optimistic attitude. And, even though at that time we already had an apartment together, I went over to Marcee's place to see how she was doing. That, and Fridays were always brownie night at her place.

She made the best brownies ever.

I guess I should have seen earlier, like Marcee had. What kind of a brother am I? I don't even know who he likes, and he took care of me for the first thirteen years of my life basically.

But, I did know much everything else about him. Even knowing this didn't ease the fact that I felt like a failure as a brother. “I'm going to start loading everything in our trailer, can you help?” I asked Calvin. He nodded and, searching for any excuse not to sit at his computer any longer, Ross came too.

With their help, it didn't take me as long. “Thanks, guys, now my back won't be sore tonight.” I said, putting the last case in the trailer.

“Oh, you poor abused techie.” Calvin teased, punching my arm lightly.

“I have to organize a few things, but you guys can go ahead and go back inside.” I waved them off. They sauntered off without a word and I did my job.

After locking up, I went around to the front doors of the venue, the concert was going to be over soon and Ross and I usually did a little promoting of our band. Ross was already there with our little fliers.

While all the fans bought shirts for the Maine and All Time Low, the only thing they would find for You First was a flier. And all it was was a four by four sheet of paper with the name, website URLs, and a little picture of the whole band.

Nothing fancy, sure, but it got our point across. We were serious. As people began trickling out, Ross handed my a large stack of the papers, telling me to get to work. I gave him a thumbs up and smiled.

Girl after girl after girl after boy came out, a few taking the flier I offered them, and a few even shared a few conversational words with me. They were nice, I loved doing this because I always met the nicest people.

“Hey, so are you in this band?” A pretty redhead asked me upon taking the flier.

“No, but my brother is.”

“Really? So, are you like a tech or did he just bring you along for kicks and giggles?”

“I'm mainly the tech, but it's a little of both.” I answered, taking note of her bright blue eyes.

“So, does this techie have a name?” She asked, smiling, revealing white, straight teeth. She was gorgeous.

“RJ.” I nodded, “And what's your name?”

“Natalie.” She replied, “Does the R and J stand for anything?”

I gave a short laugh, “You know, nobody really asks that. It stands for Reese Jensen.”

“Reese? Like, from 'Malcolm in the Middle'?” She laughed. She had a pretty laugh. I was utterly enamored with her. “Are you as evil as he is?”

“No, I could never be.” I shook my head.

Instead of handing out the fliers, I talked with her. She was stunning. And, it turned out that she was going to be going to Colorado in the summer to go to college since her aunt lived there. She said she didn't want to stay in Montana. I could understand that.

She even hinted that maybe she could come visit Phoenix. And, when she asked for my phone number, I about died.