When I Look at the Stars, I Feel Like Myself

I woke up with a pounding headache and nausea. My whole body hurt. It was a good thing tour was over by the end of this month. My body was telling me I was getting worse.

After the show last night, dad called to tell me that my appointment was the day after I got back. I got out of bed, feeling sore and weak. I walked to the bathroom, holding onto my chest tenderly. I seriously felt like a train hit me.

I wanted to talk to John. But, he's been acting weird lately. Like...he'll be all gunge-ho about doing something with me, or it would seem like he's avoiding me. I don't know what's going on with him, but I just want him to talk to me about it.

Looking in the mirror affirmed the fact that I hadn't slept well. My eyes were a little bloodshot, and my hair was a mess. I leaned against the counter of the sink, holding my aching head. After a few shaky breaths, I made my way back to my bunk, checking the time.

Almost one in the afternoon. Why did they let me sleep so long?

That's when I realized that no one was on the bus. I knew that both Elina and Holland where on All Time Low's bus, but I had no idea where the boys were. I got dressed, in black skinny jeans and a green tank top, not bothering to find a proper shirt to wear.

I stumbled out of the bus, shielding my eyes from the light. There was something else up with me besides just my cancer right now. Breast cancer didn't have symptoms like this. I covered my mouth as I coughed.

Maybe I was getting really sick. Cancer lowered your immune system, and not even just when going through chemo.

I got to The Maine's bus and punched in the code. “Riley? You're not with John?” Garret sounded. I shook my head, “Why not?”

“I didn't even know John had gone anywhere. I just woke up.” I answered, sitting across from him at the table.

“Are you okay?”

“I think I'm getting sick.” I said, “Well, sicker.” I tried to joke, but it didn't work. It just made me feel worse. Garret frowned.

Did he even know about my cancer?

“Do you know?” I asked, examining the table, “Do you know that I have breast cancer?”

“Yeah...” He shifted, “John told us all. I'm really sorry, Riley...”

I lifted a shoulder. “It's life...and it screws people over all the time, right?”

“It shouldn't have to happen to you.” He whispered, studying my face.

I again shrugged, letting my hair fall over my face. “What's been with John lately? He's barely talked to me at all this week...he's been acting weird.”

Garret sighed, sinking in his seat, “It's hard, Riley...”

“Is it because I'm sick?”

“No, Riley.” Garret rushed, “God, no.”

“Then what is it, Garret? Going out with—falling in love with—someone who has cancer is like buying milk with its expiration stamp rubbed off. Sure, it might be good for a couple weeks, or it could go bad tomorrow. I don't see why anyone would want to buy that carton when they could have one with a set date, new and visible.”

“Riley, it's not that. Don't even think like that, okay?” Garret began, I looked at the table with red tear swollen eyes. It was hard not to think of it like that.

“I was okay with being alone, you know...” I cut in before Garret could continue. “And then I met John.”

“Riley, look at me.” Garret instructed. I looked at him. “Now, think back, if you will, to about...let's say, Halloween. At the Berry Farm, how did John act?”

“Like...like a normal boyfriend would at a carnival, I guess.

“He even gave you that giant panda, right?” I nodded at him, “And when he asked you to be his girlfriend?”

“He was really nervous, it was really cute.”

“And when you guys kiss?”

I blushed. This was Garret I was talking to, he was against all forms of John's affection to me. “It's like I'm the only thing in the world.” I admitted.

“And all of this was after he found out about your cancer?”

“Yeah, but that doesn't mean he didn't change his mind--”

“John's not rethinking anything about your relationship, Riley. He's just...scared. He really cares for you and he doesn't want to lose you.”

“How do you know?” I asked, desperately wanting to believe his words.

“He told me...after your date with the cookie shake thing, he admitted all of this to us. I've known him a long time and I've never seen him break down that hard. He's trying to give you everything in the world, Riley...and I guess he's realizing that he can't do that.”

“I don't want everything, I just want him.”

“He'll realize that eventually, Riley.” Garret tried to cheer me up with a smile. “Honestly, and I don't care how cliché or overdone this is, because it's true, but honestly...I've never seen him act the way he does when he's with you with anyone else. It's...it's like he--”

The door swung open and the rest of The Maine walked in, John stepping on last.

“Riley, hey.” John let out, he seemed a little surprised, “What are you doing here?”

“I need to talk to you, John.” I looked up at him.

“Is something wrong? Are you okay?” He asked, setting the bag that he was carrying down and went to me. The rest of the guys, sensing we needed some privacy, left the bus. He knelt down in front of me, eye level.

“I hurt, John. I hurt all over. But that's not why I'm upset right now. Garret told me what you said...” I started, “And I get that it's hard for you right now, because it's hard for me, too. But, it's just the beginning...I'll be in and out of the hospital, asleep most of the time I'm not. I'll lose all my hair, get worse before I get better. There will be surgeries, treatments, scars, and bruises. I'll be practically dying before your eyes. It'll be hard, John, it will be so hard,” My voice grew more and more unsteady as I went on, “and you don't have to be strong for me, John. Never. Right now, I don't even want to be strong.”

“Riley--” He tried, but I wasn't done.

“I can feel myself getting worse by the day, and I don't want anyone to think they have to smile. I want someone to show me how terrified they are, because then I'd know I'm not the only one who's only being held together by a thin sting of hope.”

John moved to sit on his knees in front of me, and took a deep breath, “I never thought my whole future could be based solely on one moment. And that moment was when I first I saw you, Riley. I thought you were gorgeous, easily the most beautiful person I've ever seen. And then I actually got to know you. God, you were like an angel, Riley. These innocent eyes, they caught me, and your laugh, it's my favorite sound. But it's so much more than that.”

I waited while he stood up to pace, something I noticed that he did sometimes when he was getting frustrated. This time, I think it was because he didn't know what to say. What he didn't realize is, everything he had already said was enough.

“It's more than that...you're everything I never thought I'd have, and I wanted to be with you from the moment I saw you. Every moment I thought about you, which was a lot of them, I wanted to be better. I wanted to be someone you could fall in love with, I wanted to be the one who showed you everything. Before I met you, Riley, I had given up, too. On ever finding someone who made me feel like you do. It was like you woke me up. I was sleeping and I didn't even realize it...but you woke me up, Riley.” He looked at me with green eyes filled with tears and helplessness.

“And then...you told me about your cancer.” His voice cracked considerably and he paused before going on again. “I thought it was some sick cosmic joke. I was letting myself get close to someone after years and years of meaningless relationships, and you were dying. You were being eaten away by a disease that I could do nothing about. Just when I found something that filled me up, that I could live for...”

John sat next to me and took my hand, kissing the knuckles softly. A single tear fell onto my skin from his eye, and he wiped it hastily away with his thumb. “I didn't tell you this, but that night, the night you told me, I took a walk far away from the bus so no one could hear me screaming. I cursed, swore, kicked, and punched at the sky—at God—for doing this to you. I hated fate and the world at that moment. I hated that you could be taken away from me. I prayed and prayed that you wouldn't leave me. I pleaded for strength while this was happening to you, because I didn't want you to see me break.”

“John--” I started, trying to let him know he didn't have to tell me this. But, just like me earlier, he wasn't done. He needed to say this.

“And I was, for the most part. And then you told your band, and suddenly that's all I could see when people were looking at you. For some reason, when they looked at you and I knew that they knew about your cancer, it reminded me. And that's why I broke down. When it was only you and me who knew, I could push it from my mind. I didn't want to believe it, Riley.” He shook his head.

“John, it's okay. It's what I needed.” I held the sides of his face, but he turned his face away from me. My hands dropped uselessly into my lap.

“And then I decided I would give you everything, that I would show you places that you've never seen. But I can't do that, Riley. We don't have time. I can't give you anything.”

“I don't need all of that, John. Don't you get it?” I asked, tears in my eyes again, “I just want you. Remember? You saved me. I know that it sounds really needy, John, but you are the only reason why I'm going to fight. I'm going to fight and fight until I beat this again.”

“I don't want you to go, Riley.” He mumbled pathetically. “I'd give anything for you to make it through this.”

“And I will.” I said confidently, hoping to convince myself as well as John. I slipped my thin arms around him, climbing into his lap. “I will.” I repeated. John's arms found their way round me, capturing me in a bone crushing embrace.

But, I didn't feel it. I only wanted him to hold me tighter. “I hate that my only wish is for you to grow old.” He whispered into my hair.

“I hate that mine is to stop being so afraid.” I lifted my head from his neck to connect eyes with him. I pushed my lips to his, softly applying pressure. “But with you here, it's not so bad.” I added, kissing him once more.

I didn't think about that scary and inevitable future; that flies from my mind and I only think about now. Right now, I focus on John. Right now he's my past, present, and future. I don't need anything else right here. I don't care about that constant ache in my breast just outside my ribcage. All I care about is the swelling inside my ribcage.

It sounds painful, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Just as desperately as he was kissing me, I clutched John, and my earlier weakness vanished, replaced by the desperate need not to let this end.

Love just pulls you in further than you're supposed to go with someone. It makes the pain of losing them so much worse. I don't want to do that to John. At least...that's what I thought before. Now I can't stand to be apart from him. Emotionally, at least. Because I know that he'll have other tours to do, songs to record...

I couldn't bear to have him leave me forever.

John's lips against mine became more urgent and they detached themselves from me to move down my jaw, to the skin of my neck, sucking impatiently.

As if on instinct, my body pressed closer to him and my fingers tangled in his hair. “J-John.” I stuttered, breath shaky. “John...I love you.”

The words slip out, and I have no doubt I meant them, but I never thought I would say them so soon. To anybody.

John stops what he was doing, and I knew I shouldn't have let the phrase out. I didn't want him to stop. His grip on me loosens as he pulls away to look at me. There's something in his eyes that tells me he loves me too, but he doesn't speak the words out loud.

Maybe he's afraid to say them...because even though he loves me, he knows that I might not be his forever. And, I understand that. A ghost of a smile passes over his face, and it only confirms my suspicions. I smile back, leaning my forehead against his.

He stretched his neck out to meet my lips again, letting his actions say what he couldn't. Maybe he will say them one day. And I could wait for that day.

“SWEET JESUS!” Dalton's voice splits through the passionate haze around John and me. “You dirty sex monkey!” He exclaimed. We were only kissing....

“What--” I cleared my throat dispelling the husky tone, “What do you want?” I asked, pulling away from John, his hands still in my hair.

“You two were really going at it! Who knew, for all I tease you, kitten, you'd be closer to being deflowered first than our number one favorite sexually frustrated couple Jack and Holland?” Dalton continued.

“We were only kissing.” I mumbled, face turning red.

“Uh-huh, look at the position you're in, Riley.” Dalton pointed out. I looked down at John. I was straddling his hips, back pressed against the small table of the kitchen area. I blushed a deeper red. “So...John...you like it when the woman takes control?”

“If you don't have anything important to say, leave.” I groaned, smacking a hand over my face.

“Or is it that Riley is less innocent that we all thought. Maybe she's a bassist by day and a dominatrix by night.”

“Leave!” I exclaimed, pointing to the door.

I don't think I've ever been this embarrassed.

“Is that a hickey?!” Dalton shouted, running over. I guess I spoke too soon.

“John, do something.” I whined.

“Dalton, can you please get to your point?” John asked.

“Why, certainly, my dear friend.”

“Sometimes, I get the impression that he likes you more than he does me.” I pouted.

“Naw, Ri, I just like teasing you.” He ruffled my already somewhat messed up hair. “Anyway, I came to ask if you wanted to see the gift that I got you.”

“You can't give her your gift before I give her mine!” John protested.

“What are you talking about?” I asked, confused. “Why did you get me gifts?”

“Because they reminded us of you.” Dalton smiled. Oh, great...this could be anything ranging from a weird sex toy to a stuffed animal, at least in Dalton's case. I had no idea what John had gotten me. “I got you!” Dalton held out the vowel sound and flung his hands up in the air, holding a CD I couldn't really see.

At least it wasn't a whip or something.

“What is it?” I asked, squinting.

“It's Death Cab For Cutie.” Dalton explained, “I'm replacing your 'Plans' disk that I stol—er—lost.”

“It's okay, Dalton, I knew I wasn't going to get that back.” I shook my head, “But thanks.”

“You like Death Cab?” John asked.

“Yeah.” I nodded.

“You just keep getting more and more amazing.” John smiled.

“I'll leave you two to it, then.” Dalton saluted, leaving the CD on the table and exiting the bus.

“Sometimes, I think he just comes in because he knows he's interrupting something.” I sighed, getting off John's lap and picking up the Death Cab For Cutie CD. He stood, going to the bag he had abandoned.

“I didn't know what you really like, so...” He said nervously, “I just got the one that Jared said was the prettiest.”

“Jared?” I asked, pressing play on the little CD player they had sitting on their counter.

“He makes most of my decisions.” John joked. He handed me a little box, a bracelet box.

“John, you didn't have to--”

“But I wanted to, so hush and open it.” He urged. I did as I was told and inside there was a beaded hemp bracelet with a silver pendant in the middle, it read Hope in fancy cursive letters.

“So you'll always have it.” John explained, “Hope.” He took it from the box and tied it around my wrist.

“Thank you.” I told him, kissing his cheek.

…..

“I think that's what I want to name my first boy...” I thought out loud, a little tired as John ran his fingers through my hair as we sat on the couch in the back of the bus. “Declan.” I added as we watched 'Leap Year', all decked out in our pajamas.

“What about the sixth?” John asked.

“What?” I sounded, confused.

“You know, John Cornelius O'Callaghan VI, we've got to keep the tradition going.” He stated simply.

I beamed, “Fine, but Declan is our second boy, and our first girl will be Elizabeth after my grandma and we'll need a Christopher, as well.”

“How many kids do you want?” He laughed a little.

“A million!” I declared.

“So...four?”

“No. A million.” I replied stubbornly.

“Okay, but think about what that will do to your figure.” John warned.

“Yupp, I'll be fat and ugly.” I smiled.

“Never.” He said kissing me once on the lips.

At that moment, I let out a yawn. “Tired?” John chuckled.

I nodded, standing up, pulling on his hand. By this time, everyone knew about my hickey, and as I pulled the curtain to John's bunk back, Pat called from his bunk, which had its curtain wide open still, “Don't give her anymore hickeys, Johno.”

John flipped him off before climbing in after me and closing the curtain. “You think you have it bad, I have to deal with Dalton.” I emphasized.

“I think he's got enough from you earlier today.”

“Oh, Johnny, there's so much you don't know about my friends.” I laughed quietly.

“Good night, babe.” He pecked my forehead, brushing my hair away from my face.

“Night, Johno.” I smiled as I curled against his chest to sleep.

I know it might sound a little immature, but I seriously can't think of anything better at the moment than John's warm chest. I can't think of a more perfect feeling than the beating of his heart again my cheek.

I don't feel scared or intimidated of what lies ahead in the coming months as I fall asleep. Because it's John. He is my angel, my comforter.