When I Look at the Stars, I Feel Like Myself

“Well, that went well,” I sigh, just as soon as Holland was out of the breakfast room. It was going good until he commented on her modeling for him. I don't think I've ever seen Holland, outside of on stage and at work, in anything more revealing/tight than sweatpants.

“You think so?” Jack asks me, face bright.

“No, I was being sarcastic, Jack,” I reply. I just wasn't in the mood anymore, “She looked like she was about to punch you,” I can tell today's not going to be a good day.

“You need to stop provoking Holland, Jack,” I scold, pointing a finger at him, “she is very... sensitive, and if you want to get on her good side, you have to put on a cute smile and act like no amount of puppies in the world can match your innocence,” he smiles cutely, and gives me his best innocent look.

Not the most convincing one I've seen but...

It's the most convincing one I've seen from All Time Low.

“Work on that,” I advise.

He gives me a little salute, and turns back to his orange juice and toast.

Man, this breakfast really sucks.

“Alright, love,” Dalton turns toward me, “I must be off, give me a hug and kiss good-bye,” He opens his arms wide, and I stand and enter them.

He squeezes me in a tight bear-hug, and I stand on my toes to kiss his cheek, “See you, Dally-bear,” I say in his ear.

“I'll be back in time for lunch, Lina. I'll make you some Spaghetti-Os.” he promises.

“Okay,” I smile at him, stepping out of his arms and turning towards Calvin, “Do you want one?” I ask, holding my arms out for him.

He grimaces, “No. I think from that I'm going to be sick,” he holds his stomach, but gives me a quick squeeze good-bye.

When they leave, I turn towards the table again. They all gave me weird looks, so I say, “What?”

They look down again, going back to eating their breakfast. I roll my eyes and go upstairs to the room I'm sharing with All Time Low. Yeah, it does kind of suck, being the only girl in there.I guess they figure, since I'm underage and all, they should probably leave me alone and stop being so inappropriate. Not to mention more than half of them have a girlfriend or are interested in someone else.

Also not mentioning the fact that no one has ever been interested in me, why should famous people be the first?

I grab something other than pajamas from my clothing bag, and head to the bathroom for a much needed shower. I never washed the chlorine from my hair after I went on a late night swim. I never actually went to sleep, I stayed up just looking at the stars until the sun rose. Then I went back in the room and watched cartoons.

Adventure Time, mainly. That show is so rad.

Making sure I have all my shampoo and such, and that there's a clean towel in the bathroom, I turn on the water to almost boiling and step under. After undressing, of course.

Oops, I forgot to take off my bra. Gah... I'm really tired...

Someone closes the door to the room, but I think nothing of it. They just came in here to get ready for the day. I hear a knock at the bathroom door.

“Elina?” Zack calls from the other side. I wish he would just leave me alone. Honestly, he doesn't have to try so hard to make me feel included.

Nothing will change the fact that men find me repulsive with one look. Every time I meet a new guy, well, anyone really, they examine me head-to-toe. When they reach the top, they look away as soon as they scanned.

It really pisses me off. I know I'm disgusting, but do you have to make your distaste so blatantly obvious?

“What?” I shout over the water, turning it off some, so I could hear him better.

“Oh, just wanted to know if it was you,” he dismisses. He had to have known it was me. Rian left a long time ago, Jack is still downstairs, and Alex is still sleeping.

“Yeah, it's me,” I mutter to him, turning the water back on. Only this time, I turn it all the way down, and the water runs over me like icicles.

There's a long pause on the other side of the door, and I can tell that he hasn't left yet. I can still sense his presence, and it's freaking me out.

I turn the water off, after washing the last of the conditioner out of my hair, “What do you want?”

I hear shuffling on his side, and he speaks quietly. I lean over to the crease in the door to hear him, “Well, I was going to meet up with Rian at this one music store. It has a lot of pianos and keyboards there, and I was wondering if maybe... you'd come with me?”

I pause. While it is a very tempting offer, with the pianos included, I just wanted to be alone right now. I needed some time to get out all those files left in the rejects of my brain and figure them out. Today seemed as good a day as any.

However, those things behind The Wall can, and never will be, touched. I left them locked up there for a reason. I guess that's why my heart is so cold, but it never seems like it on the outside. The Walls surround my heart, making it invisible to everyone. And the lack of attention mixed with unknown memories and emotions froze it over into a rock hard shell that manages to pump blood, somehow.

If I don't want to see it or feel it, certainly no one else does.

“I don't know...” I reply, my default answer when I need more convincing.

“Well, I mean, if you don't want to go there, that's fine. We can go somewhere else,” he mumbled.

I smiled. He's so cute when he's being awkward, “No, it's fine. Let's just go there.”

X

I sat in the front seat of a car that Zack got somehow. I didn't bother to ask. It was really quiet in the car; not something I'm used to.

To distract myself from the growing silence, I pull my legs up into the seat, so I'm sitting cross-legged. Then I start bouncing my knees up and down, one at a time.

I drum my hands on the dashboard, impatience growing by the second, “How long until we get there?” I ask.

He thinks for a moment, looking down at the clock, “Thirty minutes,”

I sigh, and blow some hair off my forehead. This will take forever in the silence. I reach over and get my large shoulder bag from the floor. I pull out my CD wallet, and flip through it.

Zack looks over at me, “Whatcha got in there?” he asks.

“CDs...” I state, “Mainly things like...” I pause, reading off some bands in the wallet, “Barenaked Ladies, Rise Against, Less Than Jake, Jack's Mannequin, Zebrahead, Something Corporate, Jesse McCartn--” he cuts me off.

“Wait, two things... Did you almost say Jesse McCartney, and, put in Something Corporate,” he says.

I smile. This is my favorite band of all time. Well, one of them. I can't pick just one.

“Yes, is that such a crime?” I say, referring to the Jesse McCartney comment, pretending to be offended.

“It is in some countries,” he jokes.

I pop in “Leaving Through the Window” and sit back in my seat, legs still crisscrossed.

“Andrew is kind of my hero,” I blurt out, desperate to make conversation in the silence between us.

“Why?” he asked.

“Well... I don't know...I guess it's because of his leukemia, mainly.” I answer, “He's been through that, and he still does all of his crazy tricks on the piano,” I laugh, “and that's another thing. He plays the piano in his band,”

“You play the keyboard,” Zack points out.

“Yes, but that's different,” I say.

“How?”

“Keyboards have a more artificial sound to them. Pianos are just beautiful and natural,”

“Then why don't you play the piano in your songs?”

“I'm not good enough at piano...” I mumble. It doesn't make much sense, since they're essentially the same thing. But, that's what I truly believe.

Zack sighs. I'm not sure what that's supposed to mean, but he doesn't say anything else on the subject.

“Maybe I do, maybe I don't, but I know I haven't yet,” I sing along, loudly, sighing at the end. I love those lyrics, for some reason. I can't ever figure them out, and I can't relate to them, but they're beautiful.

For the rest of the car ride, we sing along to the CD together, belting it out especially loud to 'iF U C Jordan'.

X

When we get there, Rian wants Zack to come look at the cymbals with him. I go too, but leave after a few minutes.

The baby grands are calling me.

It's been so long since I've sat down and played an actual piano. My mom had to sell our baby grand when my aunt died to pay for bills. Then she got her new job, and never bothered to buy me a new one.

I look around the section, admiring all the different woods used to make them. Cherry, Mahogany, and there's even one that's a shiny silver color.

Then I see it. Down the hallway, into the other room, just slightly, is the most beautiful piano I've ever seen. I walk towards it, examining it closer.

It's a Grand Piano, and made with ebony wood. Real ebony. I slide the key cover up and gasp slightly.

The keys, instead of traditional black on white, are now white on black. Basically, the sharp and flat keys are white instead of black.

I pull the bench back, which is equally breath-taking, and sit on the edge of it. My fingers find middle C in a millisecond. It's habit, really. Even if the song I'm playing starts on low G, or something.

I guess it keeps from getting keys mixed up, I don't know. I've never not done it.

I sit there, just hovering over the keys, not sure whether to bother the beauty of the object. Opting to play something, I search my mind for a song. I go through albums and albums in my stored piano memory, almost deciding to play 'Sometimes I Just Go For It' by The Used.

Instead, I play 'Konstantine'. Something Corporate always knew what was best for me, anyway.

Zack's

Rian was distracting me with all of his crazy drummer talk so much, that I lost Elina.

“So, I was thinking of gett--” Rian is cut off by me.

“Sorry man, but do you know where Elina went?”

“Uh, I think she went towards the pianos,” he said.

“I'm going to go find her,” I say, turning away. I do feel bad for leaving right in the middle of a conversation, but I don't know what it is about Elina. There's something that she gives off...

I know it's crazy, but I feel like I should protect her so nothing bad happens to her. I feel like she's already had enough bad luck in her life. And I barely know her.

I see her, just standing there. She's looking at something, obviously, a hand covering her mouth.

I follow her gaze and see a piano in the back that outshines the rest. But that might just be because it's bigger than the others.

As I get closer, I realize that that's not the only reason. It's a beautiful, sleek, black color with gold knobs on the key cover.

Elina is sitting on the bench, ready to play. I can practically see the wheels in her brain turning, trying to find a song beautiful enough to be played on this piano.

As she starts playing, I look down at her fingers, gliding over the keys perfectly.

Wait. Are those keys black?

Is that normal?

“I can't imagine all the people that you know...” she sings softly, just loud enough for me to hear, “And the places that you go, when the lights are turned down low,”

I caught my breath. This song. Konstantine.

“You've got to get out, you can't stand to see me shaking,”

Her voice is unbearable. Not in a bad way, it's just too... heartbreaking.

“Could you let me go?” she pause for a second, just long enough to let out a chuckle, “I didn't think so,”

Her voice is so full of sadness. Like she can relate to this song, like she's experienced the same kind of heartbreak.

“And if I hurt you, then I'm sorry. Please don't think that this was easy,” she sings, her voice breaking.

And that's when tears sprang into my eyes. I can't imagine what's going through her head right now. I can't imagine the hurt she must be feeling right now.

“It's to dying to another's arms and why I had to try it,” she looks up, and I see a tear slip from her lash, “It's to Jimmy Eat World and those nights in my car, Where the first star you see might not be a star I'm not your star,” she extended the last note, and it reached a point where I was sure Rian could hear it, too.

She's beautiful.

The piano, I mean.

“If this is what it takes, just to lie in my mistakes,” she looks down again, and more tears fall from her eyes.

Okay, so she's beautiful. And all I want to do right now is wipe those tears and make sure no more come ever again.

“And live with what I did to you, all the hell I put you through,” she pauses again, fingers halted.

She takes a shaky breath, and I'm afraid she won't continue. I'm afraid she won't finish the song.

She continues, and I breathe a sigh of relief.

“It's not hard to dream, you'll always be my Konstantine,” she sings impeccably, “They'll never hurt you like I do,”

“Did you know I miss you? Did you know I miss you?”

From what I've heard, that's very personal to her. Just the song she wrote proves that. But I've been wondering...

Who is that song about?

John told me it was about an ex-boyfriend, but it doesn't quite fit.

She stops, and lets out a spoken line, “God, I miss you,”

She picks up again, like nothing happened. Just as if there were no pause.

“My Konstantine,” she breathes out the last line, pressing in the last notes. She slides the key cover back in place, and leans her elbows on it, placing her head in her hands.

She's sobbing.

And I don't know what to do, because the very sight of her body racking with sobs is enough to break the coldest person's heart.

X

While I was playing the song, there was no definite thing I was thinking about.

Erin, Dalton, Dad, Mom, and everyone that has ever hurt me in one way or another.

If the lyric reminded me of love, I thought of Dalton. If the lyric was about loss or missing someone, I thought of Erin. If it was about causing another pain, I thought of mom.

The one line that got me was “It's to dying in another's arms, and I why I had to try it,”. That one was dad through and through.

He died in my arms. I was seven. My mom didn't have to tell me he wasn't coming back; I saw the lights leave his eyes. I saw his soul get snared by Death.

“And if I hurt you, then I'm sorry. Please don't think that this was easy,” was Erin. I'm sure I hurt her more than she hurt me.

It was also my mom. She hurt me more than I hurt her. The only difference between me hurting Erin and her hurting me is that she's not sorry about it. She doesn't even think what she does hurts me.

And the line “Could you let me go? I didn't think so,” especially reminds me of Dalton. It's what I feel I'm like.

Could I let him go?

I don't think so.

I hadn't even realized I was sobbing almost hysterically until I felt a hand on my back, soothing me.

“Elina...” Zack whispers in my ear, wrapping his arms around me, “I heard,”

I bury my face in his neck, hoping he doesn't mind all the moisture coming from every opening on my face. I don't even care that he heard me singing, that he heard me playing the piano.

I'm just glad someone's here to comfort me right now, that his arms are so perfect to cry in. A shoulder to cry on is all I really need.

X

I told Zack about my dad dying. How I was there.

”Daddy!” a young version of Erin exclaimed from the back seat, “we're leaving without mom?”

Erin was the one that was almost oblivious to our parent's fights. Either that, or she just liked to pretend they never happened.

“Yes, sweetie. Mommy had some work to catch up on,” he explained.

“Where are we going?” I ask also in the back. Neither of us were big enough to sit in the front.

“Ice cream,” he smiles. I remember being glad that my father was home, for once. He was always working, and I don't remember a time when he wasn't. Except this one. And once or twice on our birthdays.

It was like I never even had a father.

It was late, about nine, and we were out on a two-lane road that led to the town. I was singing along to whatever song was on the radio, I don't even remember who it was by, when it started raining.

I don't remember much between that time and when we lost control of the vehicle, but we went into a tree. Dad wasn't wearing his seat belt.

He wasn't in the car, so I left to go look for him. Erin was passed out, I had a gash down my leg, and my right foot was in searing pain, and so was my left arm, but I just wanted to make sure dad was okay.

I found him quite a ways away from the car. ”Li-Li...” he gasped, a smile on his face.

I held his head in my hands on my lap, chanting ”You'll be fine, daddy. You'll get cookie dough ice cream with Kit-Kats like always,”

”Lina,” he gasped, getting ready to use his last breath, Then his chest fell. I don't know what he was going to say.

His head fell to the side, and he was gone. I heard police sirens, but stayed there crying, next to my father.

I was his last words, and I don't even remember a happy time with him.

The car is silent when I'm done telling my story. Zack reaches across and places his hand on my shaking one. His thumb rubs mine soothingly.

“How old were you?”

“Seven,” I answer, “my unlucky number. I had to get seven stitches, and I broke three bones in my foot, three in my left hand, and my left arm. Seven bones. ”

He lets out a chuckle, and says, “I think you have a right to say that,”

He has no idea.