Through Grass, Grown Tall

”God you are beautiful, you know that, right?” John’s lips were pressing against Hunter’s before moving towards her neck and stopping directly on to her collarbone where he let his tongue glide over her soft skin just to get a rise out of her. He was careful enough to know not to leave any marks, but he wasn’t careful enough to stop himself. He’d never be that careful.

“John –“ her voice was breathy and full of lust that was driving John crazy. He peered at her through his eyelashes as his tongue pressed against her skin again. Her eyes were closed and her bottom lip was sucked under her front teeth. She looked like she was struggling with herself on if she should stop him or not. But once he felt her hands slide through this overgrown hair he knew her answer. And with a smirk against her skin John kept going.

This was exactly where he wanted to be. Lying on his bed with Hunter Champagne under her. He wanted it to always be this way, but life wasn’t that simple. At least, it couldn’t be that simple; now, anyway.

“Hunter,” John started to say something to her. He wanted to tell her how he was falling for her. He wanted to tell her she was the only girl he could picture himself with. That she was the only thing that still made him happy. But he didn’t get the chance. Because before he could say another word, her phone was ringing and even though he let out a sigh that Hunter could easily read as a signal to not answer, but once she saw the name flash across the screen, John knew she was a gonner.
Of course he had to call right at that moment. Of course nothing could work out for John. Of course he’d always fall second to Chase.

And it was starting to get tiresome.

The relationship between Hunter and himself was moving quicker and quicker each day. They were already beyond figuring things out about each other or being nervous around each other – they were in a legitimate relationship. But it was one that he couldn’t tell anyone about. Because as far as everyone else knew – Hunter was, and would always be, Chase’s. And that didn’t settle with John.
Because even on the days where John would let himself think about what life would be like when Chase did cease to exist, he couldn’t picture a time where people would ever be fully on board with the idea of Hunter and him together. And that wasn’t fucking fair in any way.

John could give Hunter everything. John could work extra hours at his bullshit job and save up to buy her gifts. He could take her out on a whim to a restaurant or a movie. He could cuddle with her and sleep with her and make her feel everything that Chase would never be able to do again. He could be everything that Hunter needed and wanted, but at the end of the day, he could never be Chase. And that ultimately killed him.

Because as far as he was concerned, he was beyond in love with Hunter Champagne. But it could never be more. He couldn’t share the love he felt for her with anyone. He couldn’t take her out in public and he couldn’t kiss her when she made him laugh in front of other people. He couldn’t do anything – and it was starting to kill him.

He was starting to count off the days until it would all be over.

The doctors had ultimately given Chase a few weeks at this point. They couldn’t see him living past two months. It was all going to be over.

Or at least that’s what John thought. It was sick, and he knew that, but it was the only thing keeping him from falling apart. At least, when it was over, he and Hunter could comfort each other. At least, what he hope would happen, would be that people would see that happening and accept the next steps. All John wanted to do was kiss her in public and tell her he loved her.

His mind hadn’t wrapped around the fact that in order to get the girl he loved, he’d have to sacrifice his own brother. He didn’t realize it, but God, would the heavens open up and create havoc everywhere when it all finally happened. The Earth was going to quake from the sins he’d committed, but he couldn’t see that far into the future. He couldn’t see anything but how perfect Hunter looked half dressed. Or how angelic, but still sexy, she looked when she slept next to him. He couldn’t think of anything but her.

It was just breaking his heart that she didn’t exactly feel the same.

Because even if she loved John, like he knew she did, he still knew she loved Chase, too. And that even if he wasn’t willing to share her, she couldn’t just turn off her connection to the younger O’Callaghan. She couldn’t deny him of his last rights.

“Please, Hunt-“ But John’s pleading didn’t matter. Her fingers still opened her flip phone and signaled for him to be quiet. Her body moved away from him subconsciously, and her mind focused in on the other love of her life; his brother.

“Hey, Chase, baby.” Her voice was soft and sweet like honey. It was layered on extra thick today, John thought as he rolled away from her and onto his back with an exasperated sigh leaving his throat and his eyes starting to blur. He wanted this all to be over. He wanted to fucking matter.
“I know, Chase. I know. But you know how school is. Not everyone can be excused from classes and homework.” She spoke quickly to him while her eyes darted around the room and searched for her shirt and shorts that had been casted aside so carelessly not long before. She let out a laugh at something Chase had spoken back to her, but John felt sick. He’d never hated his brother before at any moment in his life. In fact, he’d always felt guilty and sad for his brother. He’d always felt like Chase had gotten the short end of the stick – even if John was always second. At least John would live to see twenty. But for whatever reason, in that moment, watching as Hunter dressed herself and spoke on the phone with Chase, he hated him.

“Well, I can’t use that pity excuse all the time, Chase. I mean, when you get better what are people going to think? That I was lying the whole time?” She said the words so easily. She said them like she was hopeful. She said them like she believed they were true. And that was what hurt John the most. Chase would always have Hunter’s heart. And even though it was certain he was going to die, she’d always hold a hope in her heart that made her believe other wise. She’d never be able to let him go.
And John knew, lying there as he watched her wave to him without even looking at him before exiting his room – that he’d never fully have her.

Not until they both could figure out a way to let Chase go.

And God-fucking-knows how long that was going to take. Because, even after death, how do you really let go of someone who knew everything about you? How do you let go of your blood? How do you let go of the good brother?

*

John was exhausted.

After his meltdown in the kitchen two nights before to his mother, where she’d left him with nothing but words that cut him to the core, he’d done nothing but lock himself into his bedroom and put everything he felt on paper.

Sure, the seclusion probably wasn’t healthy, and maybe he’d be better off talking about how he felt to someone, but the didn’t want to talk. He wanted solace, and piece of mind, but he didn’t want to talk. That wasn’t the kind of person he was. He’d never been one to just throw out his feelings to anyone at any moment in time. In fact, the last person he’d really spoken to about everything he felt and all the things that were weighing him down was, well, Hunter. And that hadn’t really worked out all that well. So John stopped. The only way he was now able to even release any of his thoughts and the pressures he felt was writing words down. They weren’t all songs – god knows his band would be more excited about everything that was him if they were songs – but they were still words that meant something to him. Scattered and rambling, most of the time, but every once in awhile he struck gold. He hadn’t stuck gold in a long time though. And now with everything changing in his life again, it felt like he had no where to turn.

Apparently, no one was even fazed not hearing from him. His phone had gone off a few times the first day – texts and calls from Eric and Jared – but all of it remained unanswered. And after a few more tries, he realized they’d finally given up. He knew it was because his mother told them he was fine. He’d heard the house phone ring last night and he’d heard his mother mention his name a few times. He figured they’d just wanted to double check that he wasn’t dead. That was all he thought, but then he heard her mention Hunter’s name and he’d realized that everyone was starting to find out about the mess that was Hunter Champaign. And that’s when he really felt his heart break. He’d realized then, in that moment on his bed with his guitar over his lap and the white lined notebook full of scribbles and crossed out words sitting next to him, that he’d never be able to get over Hunter because no part of him ever really wanted to.

She was still his. And that was that. He’d never be able to let her go because he wasn’t supposed to. And that was what it finally came down to. So when his hands started to glide over the notebook a little more swiftly than usual and the pages started to get filled with words that his body had been dying to get out for so long – John realized he needed to let it all go. He needed to own up to everything that had been holding him back for so long. He needed to stop trying to build up his walls and rather, break them down. Brick by brick. And he knew he needed one other person to help him do that. Because, as time had told him so much before, Hunter was always the one person who could understand everything he was going through. He just needed to prove to her that he’d always been that person for her, too.

*

“Are you hungry?” Jenny’s voice was calling out softly to her disheveled son as he finally made an appearance on the bottom floor of the house for the first time since their conversation the other night. She’d let him be because she knew how John worked. Chase had always been more emotional. He was easy to read when he was mad or happy or even sad. Chase had never been able to hide anything. He was a lot like her in that respect. But John, God, John was complicated. He was stoic and reserved. He could be the happiest person in the world on the outside, but inside he could be dying and you’d never know. It’d taken Jenny until Chase’s death to realize that John worked in a different way. It’d taken until the middle of the funeral, where he’d stood up and spoke thoughtful, heartbreaking words about his little brother that she’d realized he was full of so much she didn’t know. He’d spoke about Chase in a way that even Jenny didn’t know him. And that was baffling to her, because she’d been with Chase more than any other human. John had told stories about the two of them getting in trouble and running from the police. He’d laughed and smiled as he remembered his brother, but he’d always lost his voice when he finally had to say goodbye. She’d realized then, that she’d never know everything that made up John and who he actually was, until she watched him kiss the top of his brother’s coffin and walk out of the church without looking back. She didn’t see him for nearly three days after the funeral, but when he showed back up he kissed her on the cheek and told her he loved her. And then he walked out of the house and towards the shed where he pulled out the lawnmower and went about life like it was business as usual. It wasn’t until a few days later, when Jenny felt like she should follow John’s lead and cook a sit down meal to get back to normal, that she even found out Hunter had left.

And that’s when everything changed.

She’d simply asked if he’d spoken to Hunter and John had looked at her with such guilt in his eyes that even Jenny could tell everything she’d heard about her son and Hunter was true. She’d tried to ignore it for the last few days. She’d heard the murmurings at the wake and the funeral. She’d even see how hard Hunter and John had worked to avoid each other. Jenny had wondered why they weren’t using each other for moral support, but now it all made sense. And her heart really broke then. God may have taken her one son, but in doing so – he’d taken them both in some form. Jenny realized that all along he’d been heartbroken over so many things. And none of them she could fix. But when he’d responded to her with sad eyes and a cracking voice she wished she could fix everything, but she couldn’t.

“She left town.”

“Where did she go?”

And that was the first time she’d seen her son cry since before puberty. His head had fallen into his hands and his shoulders quaked with the pressure of his lungs beating against him and gasping for air. She hadn’t been able to move to comfort him because she was just in too much shock. And it wasn’t because she couldn’t believe he was crying, but rather that she realized he’d never cried at any time when Chase got sicker and sicker. But here he was, crying over Hunter. Crying over a girl who had dated his brother. A girl who Jenny realized left the only son she had left. And that’s when Jenny realized the real truth – John loved Hunter.

“Nah, I’m okay. I got up earlier and made myself a sandwich.” Jenny looked at the clock and let her eyes widen when she noticed the time was still far too early for a sandwich. Hell, it was still too early for John to even be awake.

“What time did you wake up?” She laughed a little as she asked it because she noticed the smirk on his lips at her confused face. That was her John. Mischievous with a wry smile sitting on his thin lips. He looked like the child she still thought of him as most days.

“Honestly, I don’t even think I went to bed.” He shrugged it off while Jenny let out a sigh and a scoff. But he spoke again before she could voice her concerns, “I’m fine, mom. Really, I’m fine. I just needed to work some things out. I swear.” And then he did something she didn’t expect, he leaned over and wrapped his arms around her before pressing his lips against her cheek and speaking softly to her, “I’m going to be fine, mom. I love you.” And then he was unwrapping his arms from around her body and moving across the kitchen to slip on his shoes and grab his keys. Everything about him seemed to calm and collected, but Jenny was still his mother and even if he told her he was okay, she’d never be sure she’d believe it.

“Where are you going?” She spoke to him as the timer on the coffee pot beeped through the kitchen and John turned around and sent her a soft smile.

“I’m going to see dad.” And with that he was gone. The door behind him was closing and Jenny could hear the garage door opening before the rumble of that old truck caused her to let out her own smile. That was her John. And that was enough.

*

The smell of the hospice hospital where his dad had been for as many months as John could remember, actually made him want to puke. It reminded him of Chase. It reminded him of death. It reminded him that even if John was going to work on getting himself better – he was still going to have to bury at least one more person. His stomach clenched as a tired looking nurse wheeled an old man right past him. His skin looked grey and full of wrinkles and his face was covered in an oxygen mask that was whirling with noises that sounded like the score to a scary movie. His body shivered as they moved past him and he found himself staring at the floor trying to will the walk down the hallway to be over quicker. He was practically counting the steps it took for him to reach his destination, but even his long legs couldn’t get him there quick enough.

And just as the hallway came to an end, John let out a breath he didn’t notice he’d even been holding as his shoes scuffed to a stop just outside of the last door on the left. Room 224. John took another deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment. He tried to imagine what it had looked like to have seen Chase in such a similar state a few years ago. It wasn’t hard to picture Chase sick because he’d always been sick. Since John could remember Chase was always attached to some kind of machine for a few hours here and there or even weeks at a time. John tried to remember how Chase would sit in the hospital bed for hours while John sat nearby and tried to keep him company. He remembered how Chase would play a game he’d invented, out of boredom obviously, called rate the nurses. John knew it was a sick game to play with his brother considering the entire premise of the actual ‘game’ was to rate the scale of hotness of each nurse that cared for Chase. But for whatever reason, John always played along. Maybe it was because Chase was his brother. Or maybe it was because John knew that Chase was just trying to distract him from the truth – someday, he wouldn’t be able to do these stupid things with his brother. John shook his head of those memories and tried to imagine doing such a thing with his father. But he couldn’t even picture what it would be like to see his father once he opened that door. Chase was the sick O’Callaghan, his father wasn’t supposed to be also. Not now anyway. And not this fucking soon.

He thought about how the last time he’d come here to see his dad things were different. His dad had just been admitted and John had been confused as to why. It always seemed like his dad was okay. It always seemed like his mother had taken such good care of him when he was home. The Cancer wasn’t as progressed as they claimed it was – that’s what John kept telling himself. His father wasn’t going to die. This was all a sick joke. Those were all the things he’d thought on that first day here, but time had proven otherwise. His father had grown sick so quickly. John had come so often in those first few weeks that he didn’t even recognize the progression. But after being away for a few weeks touring in random places – he’d come home to find his dad changed into a different man. John had tried to pretend like he wasn’t shocked or that he wasn’t sad or scared. He’d tried to talk to him like he always had before. But everything was different. His father couldn’t keep his eyes open very much and there was more and more medicine being pumped into him. Nurses were always in and out of the room rather than occasionally being there. John knew then, that his father was really dying. But he couldn’t handle it. He wasn’t ready to handle it. So he’d kissed his father goodbye and told him he’d be back soon and left the building without any intention of ever coming back. He didn’t want these moments to be the last ones he had of his father. He didn’t want to remember everyone in his family this way. So frail and empty. He didn’t want to live through it all over again.

But he had to. And now he knew that. Especially after the last few days. John knew he had to face the demons he’d been holding on to for so long. And saying a proper, possible, goodbye to his father was one of those things. Saying a proper goodbye to Chase was another, but John wasn’t sure he’d ever get to do that. And even now, with his hand hovering over the door to the room that housed the man who once beat him at everything, John wasn’t convinced he’d ever be able to let go of him either. And fuck, he wasn’t sure he wanted to.

“Dad?” The door squeaked open and the sound of machines pumping and whirling about hit John’s ears. His father was lying in the middle of the full size bed looking so very small. His veins were see through against his practically transparent skin. His bones were noticeable and his hair was practically gone from the top of his head. His chest looked like it was gasping for breath’s and John felt his heart break. This man wasn’t his father. And for a moment John debated on leaving. He had a quick thought that told him saying goodbye to this corpse wouldn’t do anything. That he could find a better way to say goodbye to the man who’d sculpted him into the person he was. The man who’d told him he needed to shape his life up or he wouldn’t be welcomed in their home the first few months after Chase’s death and Hunter’s disappearance that had lead him to practically drinking his life away. This body lying before him was never going to be the man from his memories, both good and bad, but he was still his father. And that was the only thing that kept him from bolting. He’d bolted on Chase when it got too hard, and Hunter had bolted on him – someone had to end the cycle. And this was the time.

“Pop, I know you’re asleep, but it’s me, John.” His voice was so soft and his body moved through the room to pull the extra chair a little closer to the bed. He sat down so slowly like he was afraid his movements would make too much noise. So he stared. And then he dropped his head into his hands and let the beeping of the machines lull him into the strangest of memories.

Back to a time when Chase was in this position and his dad had walked in on John just sitting there with no expression on his face and now sunlight even streaming in. His father had stared for a moment before pulling up a chair and sitting right next to John. He patted his son on the back and let out a sigh.

“You should go out and do something, John.” His father had apparently taken his mother’s place in trying to convince John that he should be doing more than just sitting around. But that’s where they were both wrong. John would sit with Chase while he slept because he was afraid of him when he was awake. He was afraid of the things Chase would say or the guilt that would run through John every time he tried to hold a conversation with his brother like everything was okay. Nothing was okay. John was the worst brother Chase could ever have. And the shitty thing was, he was the only one he ever got. John had wanted to tell his father, right then and there, that he’d been seeing Hunter. He was bubbling with guilt and stress. He wanted to come clean, but he couldn’t. As much as he wanted to be set free of his guilt, he also didn’t want to share Hunter. Or share that side of Hunter with anyone else. He already had to share her love with Chase, he didn’t want to have to give his share of that love up. And that’s what it would lead to. He knew what his father would have said – he knew the anger that would have radiated from the mans body, before it was replaced by sadness. John knew all of that, but he couldn’t bring himself to come clean. At least, at the time he couldn’t.

But part of letting go was letting all your cards show.

And John knew, as he opened his eyes and peered at his dying father, that he had to admit the truth to someone. Even if it was years too late and even if he never actually heard it. He had to hear himself say it for his own sanity.

“I love Hunter, dad.” John’s throat felt like it was closing in and his body felt too warm for how cold the room actually was. “I always have and I did some shitty stuff while Chase was alive, but I couldn’t stop myself. I loved her, too, dad. I loved her and I wanted her to love me back, but I couldn’t make her just mine. She loved Chase, dad. And as much as I loved Chase, was as much as I loved Hunter. I just – I ruined everything, dad. I’m fucked up and I ruined everything and after Chase died and Hunter left I was a mess. I drank myself into oblivion and I did so many terrible things. I wanted to die then, too, dad. I wanted it all to be over. But I couldn’t even get that.” He paused after he spoke the words and felt himself wiping away the tears that had managed to escape before taking a breath and continuing. “I didn’t take care of Chase like I promised I would. I took every ounce of happiness he had left because I was selfish. I am selfish. And I’ve been so selfish. And I’m sorry those are the last memories of me you’re ever going to have. I wanted to do right, for him, for mom, for you, but I couldn’t. I just – I couldn’t.” He let a few more tears fall as he thought of all the times he never called and the nights he drank himself into a restless coma. He thought of all the times his father found him curled around a toilet in the morning as his mother cried in the other room. He thought about all of the moments he was alive, but was never actually living. He thought about how he didn’t deserve the life he had. How he’d wished, on so many occasions, that it was him who’d died. Everyone would have been better off.

But then he looked at his father, lying so lifeless and aged, and he realized the truth of the matter – he couldn’t change the past, but he’d be damned if he was going to let all of this steal his future.
“I’m not going to do those things anymore, dad. I’m going to be better. I’m going to take care of Ma and I’m going to be better. I promise. I can’t take it all back, but I can let you know we’re all going to be okay. I’m going to make sure we’re all okay. I love you and I’m sorry I was such a shitty son. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to be whom you wanted for so long. But I’m going to fix it all. I have to. I just have to. It’s time.” John felt his body shake as he let out the last of his words and he listened as his father’s heart monitor sped up and the beeping over powered the room. And then he felt it.
The skin that covered his father was cold and clammy, but it calmed John regardless. His father had managed to move his hand to John’s and gripped it as hard as he could. And as his eyes fluttered open, John knew his dad was confused.

“Chase?” His father’s eyes blinked multiple times and John closed his own with heartbreak for a moment before answering his father. He knew his father was on so much medication and so delusional that he shouldn’t take the mistake to heart, but it was hard not to when you’d always been the second son. He wished again that it was him who’d died. Not Chase. Everyone wanted Chase.

“Nah, Dad, its John.” His father gripped his hand tighter around John’s and John pressed a smile to his lips to let him know that it was okay. That everything was okay. But then he saw it, the registering of who he was in his father’s eyes and he watched as the man who looked so eerily like him smiled back.

“Even better.” And that made John feel worse. He’d wished he was dead so many times, but the way his father was looking at him now, through sleepy eyes and a fragile body, told him that he was exactly who his father had wanted to see. He spoke in such a raspy voice. One that was followed by a gasping of breath and a string of coughs. “I’ve been waiting for you, John.” John found himself tightening his own grip on his father’s hand and forcing himself to hold back the tears that were blurring his vision.

“I’m sorry it took me so long.” John spoke softly with his own raspy voice. “I’m sorry it always takes me so long.” His father let out a chuckle at this and coughed once again. Before closing his eyes and resting again. He didn’t speak for awhile and John assumed his even breaths meant that he had fallen back into sleep. But John should have learned, nothing was ever that simple.

“He loved you, John.” His words were quiet, but John still heard him. “Chase loved you and you took advantage of that. He trusted you and idolized you, and you took advantage of that.” Even dying his father knew how to hold a lecture and cut you to the core.

“Dad, I – I –“

“He loved you, John. You were his brother. I know not everything is simple, but nothing was that simple for him either. I love you, son, and I want you to be okay. I need to know you’ll be okay.”

“Dad –“

“What happened, despite everything, wasn’t your fault. Chase let go, John. He gave up. I need you to never, ever, ever give up. I need you to make sure none of it was in vain, John.” His father coughed so hard John swore it was all over for him. He moved to his feet to head for the door, but his father’s grip tightened on his hand. “You have to let the past go, John. But you can’t let it fall by the wayside. There’s a reason you did the things you did. Fight for it, John.” His father was resting again and John started to think it was time for him to go. He needed to think about all of these things that were being thrown at him from a man who’d known him since birth. A man who’d loved him since birth, or so he hoped. But apparently there was one last thing he had to say. “I love you, John. And so did Chase. In the end, all he wanted was for you to be happy. Don’t you see? He wanted you to have Hunter. Because even if Chase loved her – he knew you probably loved her more.”

“She’s a mess now, dad. I just don’t think I can fix it.” John’s voice was broken and monotone. Like he’d said this so many times to himself that even he couldn’t see a way to solve it.

“Then fix her, John. And while you’re at it, let her fix you, also.” And with that, his father was patting John on the hand in such a loving way and moving his own hand back to rest at this frail side. “Now, go do something, John.”

“I love you, dad.” John whispered as he stood up from the chair and leaned over to kiss his father on the forehead before heading towards the door. But he couldn’t leave without looking back once more and taking all of the man who gave him life in. And for some reason, he couldn’t help but feel some kind of strength pulsating through his chest. He wasn’t going to fail this time, he couldn’t. And he wasn’t going to let this be the end of his time with his father either. “I’ll see you soon, Pops.”

“I hope you do, John. I hope you do.” And even though John knew his father was giving up on his own fight, he was started to realize that his was just beginning.

*

John parked his car in the driveway of the house he’d known so well for so long. He could see his mother’s car also parked in the driveway and imagined her moving around the inside of the house trying to keep herself busy. He could imagine her cleaning something or concocting some kind of recipe to keep her mind at ease. He could picture her alone, like she’d been too many times in life, and John could feel his body start to twitch with sadness. He was going to fix all of them. He just needed to think.

He removed his keys from the ignition and dropped them onto the front seat of his truck as he lifted his body weight out of the car and shut the door with enough force to close it, but not enough force to make any noise that his mother could hear. He needed a second alone. He needed to breathe.
He hadn’t been able to think so easily lately. The last few years were a blur and the last few weeks were even worse. He’d always been good at multitasking and putting his efforts into so many different things. He’d always been able to balance everything; the band, his family, his life, his needs and wants. He’d always been able to see the big picture, but in the last few months and days, the big picture was too overwhelming. He knew his band was waiting on him to get his shit together. He knew his fans were starting to wonder what was taking so long for a new release. He knew his own body and mind was ready for some release. He knew it was time. But action and theory were always issues that John had to work really hard to comprehend.

He needed to start acting more than thinking.

His eyes closed as he let out a breath and titled his head up towards the sky. His skin was dull and pale, but the sun’s rays were beating down on his face for the first time in so long. And he could practically feel his skin warming with each second he stood there. He started to feel the change.

“I’m sorry, Chase.” He whispered the words toward the sky because he didn’t know what else to say. And truthfully, he wasn’t sure he’d ever said the words aloud. He couldn’t think of why he’d never said them, but again, he couldn’t remember much from the last two years. He kept his eyes closed and his head towards the sky and he left the sun beat down harder on him. He heard the birds chirping loudly nearby and a warm breeze of wind rushed past him. Softly enough that it felt like he was trying really hard to believe it was happening, but still strong enough that he felt his whole body being enveloped by it. John could practically feel the winds of change happening. He could practically feel Chase’s presence near him. He could practically hear the tree’s whispering back their own apology to him. He knew it was crazy, but it was all the signal he needed. He’d been waiting so long for a sign that things would be okay, but really, maybe all he’d been waiting for was the moment his mind would catch up to his body and let itself believe in more than just the everyday acceptance of what had happened. And maybe all he really needed to know what that Chase was using the earth to show John everything would be okay.

“Through grass, grown tall,” he spoke as the winds picked up and the birds suddenly flew from the few trees near his childhood home and danced across the sky with their wings flapping against the blue sky and the sun shining all around them. John knew then, that even in death, and through the earth that was covering his little brother, he’d never not have him nearby. Even through grass grown tall, Chase would always be there.

And that was something John was beginning to realize.

He needed some time alone. He needed a few extra minutes to himelf before he walked into his house and answered all of his mother’s question. He needed to be out of the cave he’d locked himself in. So without thinking, his feet started to carry him down the street he’d grown up on. The street that had given him stitches when he’d flown over the handlebars or his bike. The street that had seen more games of hide ‘n seek and red light, green light than even he could count. The street that had even held good memories of Chase. Back in those days, when Chase was still able to play with the group of kids. Back before his body started to eat away at itself. Back when things were still simple and ‘thinking’ meant making sure to look both ways before you crossed the road.

John didn’t look both ways before he crossed.

He didn’t even think about the turns his body was automatically making or the way his strides picked up and carried his long, lanky body around the corner. He didn’t think about where he was going, but somehow, he knew this was where he needed to be. He just didn’t expect to see Hunter outside of her house when he arrived. He didn’t expect to see her with her knees pulled up to her chest and her small, fragile body curled up on the curb. He didn’t expect to see her sitting there with a cup of coffee steaming from next to her and a cigarette dangling from her tiny fingers. He didn’t expect to see her, but he also didn’t expect his body to be so relaxed when he did. It was like every part of him unfroze as he stared at her. Like everything that had happened in the last two years didn’t matter. All that mattered was now. All that mattered was her.

“If you’re going to stare like you’ve seen a ghost, I’d rather you kept walking.” Her voice was so dry and raspy. Like she’d been crying. John convinced himself it was because of the tubes that had been down her throat in the hospital when her stomach was pumped, or from the countless number of cigarettes she’d let dangle between those hands of hers. He convinced himself of this, but deep down he knew it wasn’t true. He knew someone had gotten their claws into her and caused her to break down. Hunter Champagne didn’t break down.

“You and I both know this town is full of ghosts, Hunter.” He answered her back without raising his voice or even moving any closer. He didn’t want to scare her off. He couldn’t afford that at this point. And from the way she looked – he knew that she’d already been told off. He knew she was a mess, but even if he knew part of it was because of him – he knew someone else had gotten into her.
So that only left one person who could have this much effect on her: Eric.

He knew that Eric would let her have it once he heard what had gone down. Eric was her best friend after all. And fuck, Eric was angry. For the first few days and months, Eric had been angry at John. John and how he’d fucked with Hunter and let everyone think so badly of her. But after awhile, Eric’s anger grew to frustration and sadness. Mostly sadness when he realized that Hunter wasn’t coming back. And then, after awhile, that sadness grew back into anger, but this time it wasn’t directed at John – it was solely aimed at Hunter. So John knew that Eric wasn’t going to let this go. He’d been excited to know Hunter was alive and back in town, and even gone so far as to drunkenly tell John the other night that everything was going to be okay now. That they were all going to be okay. But then Hunter tried to end her own life – and John knew, even without having spoken to him, that Eric was angry. And by the way Hunter looked now, so sad and dejected and deflated of any fight left in her, John knew Eric had gotten to her.

“Well, from what I’ve heard, you’re the one who has been living like a ghost these last few years.” Hunter puffed at her cigarette and exhaled the smoke like the nicotine was attached to her words.
“Yeah, well, I guess we’ve both spent a few years living like ghosts, huh?” John didn’t move closer to her or try to sit next to her. He didn’t know why he didn’t try to make it seem more normal for them to be having a conversation outside of her childhood home, but he couldn’t. No part of this was normal in the last few years. His body didn’t know how to react.

“Ghosts are everywhere, John. The sooner you realize you can’t escape them, the sooner you can get the fuck over them.” She spit the words out so harsh as she threw the white stick to the ground and pushed her frail body up to use all her force to crush it. Like doing that was proving something to him, but it wasn’t. It was never going to be that simple.

“How’s that working out for you, Hunter?” He fixed his stance so he could prepare himself for the fight that was about to happen. He could see Hunter’s blue eyes turn almost black with anger. He could see her shoulders tense and her throat swallow the words she was working so hard to hold in. She wasn’t strong enough to fight, but that didn’t stop John. “Have you gotten over everything? You trying to end your life wasn’t an outcry for help? Don’t tell me you’re not still a fucking ghost, Hunter. Because you are. God, you’re so fucking see through it’s pathetic.” He’d told himself he was going to fix everything; he’d promised his father he was going to also. But fuck, this wasn’t the way he’d planned on doing it. He couldn’t control himself. It was like her lying to him about being okay was tearing him apart. Like he’d known he’d been lying to himself for so long about being okay, but hearing her say it was really pulling the layers off of his lie. Exposing himself to who he really was. Who they both really were. Who they both had let themselves become. And fuck, he hated it.

“Go fuck yourself, John.” She started to move from the curb. Reaching to grab the coffee and spill it out on the sidewalk, but John’s mind caused his body to reach for her before she could get to far away.

“No.” He gripped at her wrist and watched as her face turned red with anger while she tried to fight back, but she couldn’t. In the years since she’d left, she’d lost every part of her that was willing to fight. “You look like shit. You’re acting like a fucking idiot and you don’t get to try to kill yourself. You don’t get to take another life, it doesn’t work like that. You didn’t lose as much as me, Hunter.”

“I fucking lost Chase, too, John. So you can suck a dick. I lost the boy I loved. Don’t you get that? We both lost someone.” Her words cut at John, but he knew they were said in vain. She was trying to protect herself. She was trying to justify her sadness and her wandering and her disappearance. She was trying to barter her reasons for the person she’d become based off of her loss. He’d done the same too many times before.

“No, you lost one of the boys you loved, so don’t fucking lie to yourself. You loved me and I’m still here. You lost Chase, we both lost Chase, but here’s the thing, Hunter Champagne, after you lost Chase that was the end of it for you. After I lost Chase, I still lost you too. So don’t tell me our losses were equal, because they’re not. Chase, we couldn’t control losing, but you’ve always controlled the amount of loss I’ve felt and I’m done. I’m done waiting for you to come back. I’m done waiting for you to realize you left me here. I’m done because I have to be done. We both have to be done, Hunter. Don’t you get it? We’re killing ourselves over the past we can’t change.” His grip on her had loosened, but she didn’t back away. Instead, John found that she was moving closer. So he did the same. And then he did something, neither of them expected, or were probably prepared for, he wrapped his arms around her and held her as tight as he could. “I love you too much to watch you kill yourself. And I know you love me Hunter. I know you do. And you can fight it for as long as you need too, but I’m always going to be here. I made that promise to someone we both loved – and I can’t just let it go because of mistakes in judgment we both made when we were just kids. I’m going to fix you, Hunter, the same way you’re going to fix me. Because really, we’re all we both have left. And we need help, God, do we need help, but I can’t lose you again. I just can’t. So you can fight me, and hate me and tell me you don’t want to see me, but I’m going to keep showing up. I have to make all of this worth it. I have to. Do you understand that?” John had started to whisper the words into Hunter’s hair as she pressed her small body further into his embrace. He wondered how long it had been since someone had held her like this. He couldn’t even remember for himself, apart from his mother, how long it had been since he’d been held like this either. But he knew that the tension in his muscles and the worry in his mind was starting to fade. He knew this was where he needed to be. And then he felt Hunter cry. He felt her body rack with sobs and her head nuzzle it’s way into his chest and her cries of sadness leave her body. He didn’t move and he didn’t try to calm her down – he just let her let it all go. Because if there was one thing he could remember about the days after Chase’s death up to the one’s that lead to her leaving, was this – he’d only wished he’d held her one more time because maybe things would have been different. And even if it was too late to fix the past, it was still early enough to start working on the future.

“He shouldn’t have died. Not like that. Not like we let him. We – we –“ Her body was shaking and her words were mumbled and clouded with tears and laced with pain. John knew what she was saying, even if she couldn’t get it all out, because he’d been thinking about the exact same thing since the doctors announced Chase’s time of death. He’d thought of nothing else on most days. Everything had gone wrong, but now – now it was time to make them right. So John did the one other thing he wished he’d done in those days before Hunter left in the cover of night. He leaned down and he captured her lips with his own. It was sweet and simple and it didn’t push any boundaries or make anything stranger than it already was. It was just a simple act of love that one person was showing another. One that was far too overdue. And even if Hunter wanted to kiss him back, she couldn’t. John had already pulled away at that point and held her at an arms length so he could see her face and tell her these words that were full of truth and promise. And even though he was hoping to see some kind of recognition on her face that told him everything was going to be okay, he didn’t see that. Instead, John stared at Hunter and saw nothing but emptiness in her blue eyes and that killed him inside. Because nothing that was going to come next was ever going to be easy. And everything they’d have to do to save them selves was going to be next to impossible. He was praying they’d survive, but right now, as he stared at Hunter’s blank face, he was just hoping not to let either of them drown before they ever even had a chance to see a glimpse of the shore.

“I’m going to fix us, Hunter. I’m going to fix everything. You just have to try, too.” And that was it. He was gripping her shoulders and nodding his head in her direction with his eyes staring straight into hers. He was telling the truth. He was finally telling the truth. They weren’t okay, but they would be. All they had to do was try. Years before Hunter was his anchor because she understood everything that he was going through, but now he had to be her buoy, because there was no way she’d survive on her own. And honestly, there was no way John could continue to survive on his own either. They needed each other’s buoyancy. “I’ll see you later.” And with that, John turned on his heel and let his feet guide him back the way he originally came without even realizing it before. And even though he could feel her stare in the back of his head as he walked down the street, he didn’t turn around. Instead, he let the warm winds of change guide him back to the home he’d known for his whole life.