My Little Bubble , Needs To Be Popped

Telling the truth was something everyone had trouble with. Whether you are a very religious person or some homeless man on the street you are always faced with the truth one way or another and for some reason it was the hardest thing for people to do. White lies existed all around us but they were there for the sake of ourselves. Too many feelings and emotions would be harmed if complete honesty was brought up every single moment of the day, so then why was I asking John to be completely honest with me? Would it be better if I didn’t know what had gone on in our relationship when I had my back turned?

Was my need to know so great that I could risk myself getting hurt more than I already was? The past that I’d buried so deep within me, that I’d hidden from my own self in order to keep myself sane was slowly coming up and stirring feelings inside of me that I wanted nothing to do with. A soft breath left my lips as I opened my mouth slightly, licking my lips that were drying from the crisp air that was around us. John was looking at me; I could feel his brown eyes on my face after the words had left my mouth. I think he was surprised by the question and I didn’t blame him, it had come out from nowhere.

I raised one of my delicate eyebrows up, turning slightly to focus my own brown eyes on him as he made what I was assuming a gurgle noise…well it sounded more like a cat dying than anything. John’s nervous laugh had a shiver rolling down my back, knowing it couldn’t be good at all…especially if he was having difficulty with talking. Okay, I officially regret asking for complete honesty. Would it have been better if I’d just asked him to lie to me again? His voice, the one I’d dreamed about for so long when I first left, hit my ears and made me take in a sharp intake of breath as I waited for him to continue.

“Well, if you want honesty I did cheat on you. Like three times. I got drunk. I couldn't help myself. The first two times, I thought they were you, till I woke and saw that it wasn't. I thought it wasn't such a big deal, but it was. Then the last time was at the party…Fuck. I fucked up big time. You had no idea how fucking shitty I felt. Babydoll, you were all I could think of when it happened. Then I heard that you left and I was like fuck!”

While he was talking I kept quiet, digging my shoes into the sand to keep myself occupied. The more he said, the more I felt my heart shattering inside of me and the pieces were just left there. I always had a feeling there was more to this whole thing and I’d been right but to think that I’d been betrayed three times by the man that I’d fallen hard for…it hurt. Like fucking hell. Unable to help myself I rolled my eyes at him saying he thought two out of the three girls were me though the worst one was probably the last one because I’d been there and caught him.

Anger was building up inside of me as well as sadness, managing to bring tears to my eyes. As best as I could I blinked them away to hide them and looked at John when he paused again, feeling that there was something he was leaving off.

“Everything that happened was my fault. Not knowing what I was going to do, except beg for you forgiveness. I know it won't and wouldn't work, so I just let you leave. I did think about you though. I still have the picture that Pat took of us..”

I huffed at what he said, rolling my eyes in the process. It was his fault because I did everything I could to keep the relationship solid, to keep it strong but he was the one who kept knocking it down, he was the one who kept screwing things over. His reason for letting me go made sense but I would have come back to him at some point.

My brown eyes danced over to him once more, leaning to the side slightly as he showed me the picture on his iPhone, a gasp leaving my lips. He’d kept that as his background?

“I never did forget you.”

He had thought about me this whole time…but that doesn’t make what he did right. He should have been truthful with me! More than likely I wouldn’t have run if he’d told me he’d cheated right from the start. Hell, I’d have kept his dick on a leash if anything!

I couldn’t help the tears that were running down my cheeks and the anger was still present in me, deciding it wasn’t going to be pushed aside anymore and locked away.

“Why didn’t you fucking say anything? Huh, John? Were you scared that I would have dumped your ass? Is that why?” My voice poured out into the air as I stood up and stared down at him.

A moment later my glaze moved up above me as John stood up, his tall stature making me look so small and so much like a child. His hands that I’d once welcomed reached out to me in his attempt to grab me but I put my hands out and pushed him away, not wanting him to touch me or be any closer.

"No! It wasn't that. I didn't want to leave you broken hearted!"

His words certainly didn’t help because he’d left me just that, broken hearted! And worse, I’d never been able to love after him. Guys would also be right there and yet I refused to get close to any of them because I was scared of what they would do to me. I was scared they’d hurt me like John had.

My make-up was no doubt running down my face as tears flowed fast and easy down my face, not bothering at all to slow down and allow me to stop them. I had no control. I never have control of myself when I was around John.

“Well you sure as Hell left me fucking broken hearted, stupid ass!” I yelled out pointedly at him, trying to get him to see that his attempt obviously failed.

I’d yelled pretty loud, John cringing away from me for a moment but the quiet air rested back around us. The world was spinning; my heart completely destroyed at this point and my whole body was weak from the anger and crying I was doing. I couldn’t catch myself in time as my knees gave out and I collapsed into John, feeling as he sat us down on the sand once more. As much as I wanted to get away from him I couldn’t, instead I just clutched his white V-neck shirt tighter and buried my face in his chest much like a small child. I felt him rub his hand soothingly up and down my back and as much as I didn’t want it to, it helped.

My body tensed as he leaned into me, his lips noticeably present at my ear and his hushed voice was soon echoing in my head.

“I never meant to hurt you. You were my everything, and still are. That means a lot. I love you, Lily."

What he was saying though…I wasn’t sure if I should believe it or not. He’s lied to me multiple times so how was I supposed to believe him now? The more I repeated what he said, the more I believed it. He probably never meant to hurt me, it was the alcohol that was at fault but John was the one who needed to know when to stop drinking. Whether or not he still loves me…that was up in the air. Whether or not I still love him…that was not going to come up anytime soon.

Carefully, I flipped around and sniffled quietly as I looked up at John for a moment before I brought my hands to my face and wiped my tears away with the streaking eyeliner I had on. A shark intake of breath flowed through me as his thumb swiped across my skin, wiping away some of the tears as well but I didn’t jump away from his touch, just looking down at the ground. After a while I turned my head to look at John with guarded eyes.

“Why, John? Why?”

"I…really don't know, Lily. I didn't mean to do that shit to you."

I sniffled again, wiping the back of my hand against my nose before I dropped my hand to my lap and just stared, not sure what to say. This wasn’t supposed to happen; I was supposed to avoid this and yet here me and John were, talking about our fucked up situation.

"I'm sorry. I wish I could do something."

John wanted to do something? Too bad he couldn’t rewind time and come to me about what was going on. Apparently time travel wasn’t possible yet.

“Maybe you could.” I said as I looked up at the stars that were shining above us as I laid down slightly, my head resting on John’s chest partly.

“And what’s that?” He asked, seeming to be curious about what he could do.

The thing was…it wasn’t that hard. If you couldn’t rewind, then restart. I wasn’t completely sure if restarting would fix everything between us and I knew it wasn’t going to be easy for me but it was worth a try. My problem was getting over the fear that I’d developed thanks to him.

“Start from the beginning. Let’s just start from the beginning, back to when we’d first become friends and then just let it go from there. But John…”

I trailed off, biting my lip before turning to look at him. “John, if you hurt me one more time that’ll be the end. Because of you I wasn’t able to fall for another guy, the constant fear of being hurt was always there and it would never go away. I can’t take being hurt again; my heart won’t survive another heartbreak.”

Sighing I stood up and turned around slightly, looking at the bonfire party that was in full swing but I didn’t feel like partying anymore. If anything, I wanted to curl up and cry myself to sleep in hopes that I’d feel better afterwards. I ran a hand through my brown hair, messing up the locks before I shook them out and back into place.

“John…I don’t think you’re the main problem. You only do things you regret when you’re drunk and as much as I hate to say it…you have a drinking problem. I’m not saying you have to stop partying but you need to stop getting wasted.”

I kneeled down beside John, leaning over and pressing my lips against his cheek before I pulled away slightly and gave him the best smile I could muster. Standing up, I walked away from John with my arms wrapped around myself but I completely avoided the party, ignoring the looks my boys sent me. If anything, they’d just leave me alone and I wouldn’t have to deal with them anymore. All I wanted was a night of sleep.

<3 <3 <3 <3

When morning came around I was awake before anyone else so getting ready wasn’t much of a problem. I went straight to the bathroom in the back, purposely using up all the hot water for the shower before I stepped out with a towel wrapped around me. As quietly as I could, I tiptoed over to my bunk and shifted through my bag, pulling out the clothes I was going to wear before going over to the bathroom once more.

Once inside I dropped the towel and slipped on a pair of white panties and a white bra before I used the towel to dry off my hair. When I was finished with that I dropped the towel on the counter and grabbed my skinny blue jeans, slipping them on before I grabbed the gray tank-top and pulled that over my head. I adjusted the straps on my tank-top before pulling on a gray and black cardigan, letting it hand at my sides loosely like it was supposed to.

My outfit was simple but still showed off my body amazingly well, the style I usually preferred when it came to getting dressed. I knew the boys had a show tonight which meant everything was going to be in a bit of chaos so I might as well be comfortable while sorting everything out. After brushing my brown hair I ran out of the bathroom just as most of my boys were waking up.

“Lily, how can you wake up so early?” Garrett asked, a yawn soon following.

“I had to wake up a six in the morning every day so I’m used to it.” I explained before moving past him to my bunk.

I tossed my bag at the end and then slid my hand under my pillow, letting my fingers brush against the gray beanie that was under there. I wanted to wear it right now, to just pull it on my head and enjoy the warmth it gave me so why the hell shouldn’t I. Pulling out the hat I pulled it on over my head, adjusting it slightly so my hair was hanging out perfectly.

“Lily…is that hat…” Pat’s voice hit my ears, making me turn around and look at him before my eyes landed on John who was standing near him.

“Nope, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I lied, turning around and walking briskly out to the main area.