Everybody Has a Reason

Two weeks later, Lila’s feelings for Conner increased every single day. She was addicted to him almost, she thought about him all the time, wanted to be with him all the time because she felt better, she felt like she could do anything.

Unfortunately, Conner was at work today, the day Lila kind of needed him really. The postman delivered a large box, not extremely heavy but it was substantially full. Maria was out at work again, so this left Lila alone with the box. She knew what it was. It was the whole reason she disappeared the other night.

“Thanks” says Lila softly to the postman, who gave a polite smile, nodded his head and made his way back to his van. Lila carried the box inside, closing the door with her foot and she carried the box upstairs to her room, putting it on her bed. Lila used one scissor leg to slit open the box and it was all there, a layer of newspaper on top. On top of the newspaper, a post it note in Genevieve’s handwriting reading “Dear Lila, Sorry for everything, Truly yours, Genevieve.

Lila’s eyes blurred slightly, as she remembered what she had said to her Grandmother, who had been nothing but kind, took her in when things went pear shaped, cooked her food, cleaned her room, washed her clothes, took her to whenever Lila needed to be.

Putting the note to the side and taking the newspaper, Lila saw the contents. It was plenty of memorabilia of Drew, play dough figurines, action figures, cuddly toys, stuff from school, stuff from when Drew was a baby, there was some stuff of Lila’s in there too. But it was the card that got Lila the most, as she sat on the bed and cried as she read the scraggly handwriting of when he was about 8 years old, Lila was 6. And it was Favourite Week in Drew’s class, so they had favourite foods, favourite movies, favourite activities. At the end of the week, they were told to make a card, draw a picture of anything they wanted and write inside a letter to their favourite person in the whole world. Most people did Moms, Dads, Both Parents, Dogs, Cats, Grandparents, Aunties, Uncles…but only Drew in the whole class picked Sister.

Lila couldn’t stop crying, as she choked on her tears, reading the fond words:

My favourite person in the whole world is….my baby sister I love her lots and lots. I love making her laugh because it makes me laugh too.
I love it when she makes funny faces behind our Grandma’s face.
I don’t like it when she cries, as it makes me upset.
0If someone ever upsets my sister. I will hurt them back.

I will always love my sister. She’s always my favourite person.
o x o x o x o x o x o
(hugs and kisses)

Lila smiled through her tears and wiped them gently away. “I love you Drew” she whispers, stroking the card with her thumb, on the front was a picture of Drew looking much taller then he would have been, and then their was Lila, who was very small, with curly hair and blue blobs as eyes and a red smile. But still, it was a good picture.

Sorting through the items, remembering the good times they had together was hard but it was somewhat a comfort to her, it made her feel that Drew hadn’t really gone.

It was then, she saw it. Lying there, at the bottom of the box, taped to bottom of it. In his very own hand writing. Lila.

With shaking hands, she peeled the tape off, and fortunately the envelope didn’t rip. She took it out and sighed, she couldn’t cry anymore. She was all out of tears.

She glanced around her room, it was a mess with all of his stuff scattered across the room, on the bed. Lila was sitting on the bottom, her stomach gurgling with anticipation. Did she really want to read the letter? She shuffled forward and slid off the bed, onto the carpet and leaned back on the bed, her knees automatically bringing themselves up. She played with the letter, toying with it, unsure what to do.

Even though she knew that reading this letter would change everything about Drew, what she misunderstood, why she had to go through the pain of losing him. She would have to face the truth. But, Lila’s curiosity was too great and she opened the letter and begin to read slowly so not to miss anything, this was the last thing of Drew.

Dear Lila,

I know that by now, I’m gone. You probably won’t ever understand why I’ve done this, well why I chose to do this.

I know, I’ve broken so many promises to you and for that I cannot be sorry enough for you. I truly am sorry for the pain I’ve caused you. I know that I promised you that I would always be there, but I couldn’t. Lila, please believe me when I say I tried. I really did try to make something work for me. But there’s something inside me that refused to go away.

The truth is Lilly is…I’m sick. I have depression. I feel empty and alone and I know this is never going to go away. I wanted to get help so many times but people aren’t going to help me. I can only get better if I want to help myself. And I don’t. Even though I smile and laugh and pretend everything is okay is because, well I love you Lilly and I don’t want you to be sucked in to. I don’t want you to take care of me because that’s not how it works. I’m your carer, you’re guardian. I should be able to have to care for you. Not the other way around.

I know you won’t understand and to be truthfully honest, I don’t either. I just feel like, I’m at my ends now. I feel scared, lonely but relieved. Knowing that the pain I feel is going to go away. I hope one day, you can understand. Just, promise me one thing. That’s all I deserve, I beg, no I desperately plead you that you never blame yourself and that you’ll still think of me fondly. I’m mostly likely the proudest brother in the whole universe to have a sister like you, because you’re amazing Lila. You’re smart, you’re funny, you’re beautiful, you’re kind and you’re just incredible. The things you’ve been through and you survived. You’re strong which is why I know you’re going to get through this. I love you and I’m sorry for everything. I’ll be watching over you, hopefully.

Yours truly,
Drew Thomas Scott.
Xxx

P.S Just know, that Mom & Dad would have been proud of you too. And now, I can be reunited with them. Like I wanted.

It seemed that although Lila couldn’t cry, didn’t mean that the sadness in her disappeared. Her throat was thick, her eyes stinging and her heart felt heavy like iron. She leaned her head back, trying to think properly.

“Oh Drew” she croaks, putting her hand to her chest, feeling her heart pounding. She wanted to understand somehow, but really. She couldn’t like Drew said, he didn’t understand himself so how was she mean to?

She just knew that now, Drew was unhappy. So if he’s happy now, watching over her with their parents as he said. Then she shouldn’t feel the need to be sad anymore. It’s what Drew wanted and she had to accept that, no matter how hard it was.

--

That evening, Conner knocked on Lila’s bedroom door, Maria had let him, and informed him that Lila hadn’t come downstairs all evening and she said to be left alone. Conner knew that she was hurting again about her brother.

He knocked again lightly, and listened closely for a response. “Go away” Lila’s voice, muffled. Conner sighed and knocked again.

“I SAID GO AWAY!” she shouts, getting frustrated as why Maria wouldn’t leave her alone.
Conner knocked again.

Conner heard her get off the bed, her feet almost stomping to the door, she swung it open and was about to shout when she stopped, frozen.

“Hi” Conner says simply, smiling kindly. Lila’s face relaxed and she stepped forward, hugging Conner’s torso. Conner laughed slightly and hugged her back, kissing her hair.

“Not going shout at me?” he teases, walking in with Lila still attached, closing the door behind him. Lila laughed but it was forced.

Conner took Lila by the arms and looked at softly “What’s going on girly?” Conner asks gently, and kissed her head. Lila sighed and let go and stormed back to her, climbing back in and laid down, flat on her back.

“My brother wrote me a letter. Everyone was right. He was sick. He had depression. He couldn’t cope with it, so he overdosed. He’s sorry and he loves me and he hopes that I will one day understand.” Lila summarizes in a monotone.

Conner sighed and sat on the edge of the bed, looking at Lila, thinking of a response.

“And do you?” Conner asks suddenly. Lila props herself up on her elbows and stared at confused.

“What?” she asks

“Do you understand?” repeats Conner, watching her response. Lila nodded slightly.

“Kind of. He was unhappy I get that. But I don’t get why he couldn’t come to me, why didn’t he want to help himself?” she asks but she didn’t really want an answer, afraid of the response.

“He gave up Lila. Sometimes, people just want to give up” Conner says carefully, he felt like he was treading on eggshells here. Lila sighed and she fell back down flat.

“He shouldn’t of given up Conner. He’s meant to be stronger then that” she says. Although she said this out loud, deep down inside. Lila knew that it wasn’t actually true. She knew that Conner would have tried as hard he could. Wouldn’t he?

Lila blinked away tears and propped herself back up on one elbow. Conner watched her gently, he smiled weakly.

“Come on” says Lila, patting the space beside her. Conner, slides back on the bed, shuffling backwards to where Lila was. He bounced down beside her and propped himself with his hand by his head and his elbow supporting his weight.

Lila turned to face him, curling up slightly and she shuffled closer. Conner put his free arm around her waist, stroking it slightly with his thumb. He smiles helpless at her. Lila smiled at him back.

She kissed him and Conner wasted no time responding to the kiss. After a good few minutes of kissing, Conner stopped and Lila looked confused.

“Don’t get carried away Lila, I might not stop” he whispers, pecking her and sitting up. Lila smiled to herself, she knew that Drew would approve of Conner. Because the simple fact of it….he was perfect. For her.

---

“Good luck” Lila says to Conner, he was about to go on to stage again. Lila had tagged along, going to stay for a while, then do some shopping. She needed some new clothes.

Conner grins and kissed her tenderly “I don’t need luck. I got you” he says sweetly and Lila hesitatingly let him go. She noticed the jealous glares from the girls that just happened to be here again. Everyone who was local now knew about Conner and Lila. Everyone seemed genuinely pleased for them.

Lila took her usual seat, sipping the drink that she didn’t ask for and she felt the butterflies in her stomach as Conner came up on stage. He whispered something to Jenny, who nodded and grinned and then he whispered something to Tom and Alex, who smirked and nodded. Lila suddenly felt curious, something was going on.

“Hi everyone” Conner says into the mike, causing some people to cheer loudly. It was late afternoon on the Friday, so most people had just finished work and come in for a pint. Conner had the whole crowd tonight.

A very familiar tune began to play, and a smile instantly came to Lila’s face. A happy tune which Lila had confessed to Conner that she had loved since she was little, Stanley use to sing it to her, whenever she would go to sleep.

“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine” Conner sings, he was playing guitar on his own. Everyone had gone quiet as he played the sweet tune. She was nodding her head side to side, a playful smile on her lips.
Conner winked at her and began singing again. “You’ll never know dear how much I love you” and something in Lila felt weird.

She realized at that very moment that even if Conner didn’t actually mean the song to her. She did love Conner. Why?

Because Conner had managed to fix her bruised, broken heart. She just hoped that he wouldn’t now be a causer of that. Because her heart was very fragile.