Tour Stories

I was sitting in the greenroom before the show. All the guys had gone back to the van and were going to be a while. I began to pace the room, my mind was pounding. I clutched the small package to my chest. I looked at my day planner. Middle of fall, winter was coming. I started to breath heavily. It felt like I was sucking up air through a straw. My head felt more dizzy. Collapsed near the sofa and shifted myself with the little strength I had in me to have my back lean against it. More heavy, quick breaths. I couldn’t function. I started to cry. Not the few tears that roll down your cheeks then you’re done. I wish it was that kind of crying. No, this was the real kind, the raw kind, the messy kind. I could feel my cheeks getting splotchy and red. I pulled my knees to my chest and attempted to breath in even breaths. Come on, Erica. They don’t know that you get like this Calm down before one of them walks in. Come on, stop it. Nothing I told myself made me feel any better.

Suddenly I heard the door swing open and I looked up with wide eyes. Zach was standing in the doorway and looked back at me with scared eyes.

“Erica! What is going on?”

I tried to use the sofa to ease myself up and talk to him proper, but when I leaned back on my arm it gave out under me. I started to cry harder than I though possible. Zach quickly closed the door and locked it. He ran over to me and collected my fetal positioned self. He lifted me up and sat on the sofa. I was cradled in his arms, the one place I ever felt save. I turned to face him and bury my face in his shirt.

He gently rubbed my back, “Erica, come on now. What’s happening with you?” He picked up my limp body so I was sitting somewhat upright, with support from his chest. We were quiet while I cleaned up a bit. He repeated, “Erica. Come on, tell me what’s wrong.”

I sucked back air and calmed my nerves, “Me.”

His face twisted in to confusion, “I don’t understand. What are you talking about?”

“It’s getting colder.”

“Yeah,” he paused. “What are you telling me?”

“I was scared. I wanted to tell you sooner, but I never thought I’d get like this again. I thought that by being with you guys I’d be okay.” I sniffled back tears, “I guess I can’t even control it myself.”

“But control what?” his voice was soft, attempting to hide his fear. But for someone like me, I always picked up on those kinds of things.

“I have S.A.D.”

“Sad? You have sad? You mean you are sad? Why?”

“No, no, no. I have S.A.D. So, yes technically I am sad, but it’s more complicated than that.” He didn’t say anything so I just continued, “Basically it means I have Seasonal Affective Disorder, or seasonal depression.”

“But you’re our little ray on sunshine,” Zach said not understanding.

“For all my highs, there’s an equal low. That’s why Kylie gave me the name Wandering Sunshine when I was a junior. I am a ray of sunshine, but like sunshine I tend to fade in and out. Hide and appear. We wander.”

For the first time Zach walked in he noticed the package in my hands. He put one of his hands around mine, “What’s this then?”

I looked down at it as if noticing it for the first time too. “It’s,” I opened my hands in his open palm. There in the ripped tissue paper was a small gold bracelet. Engraved in it was the word SUNSHINE, “my nonna just send it out to me.”

Zach picked it up and looked it over, he then picked up my left wrist and slid it on, “It’s perfect.” He then leaned his forehead to mine, we both closed our eyes. “Hey,” my eyes fluttered open and looked straight into his, “we’ll get through this together. Okay?”

I nodded, then slouched down a bit and cuddled against him. Gradually we shifted so we were in a proper spooning position. His arms were tightly wrapped around me.

After some time in silence I spoke up, “I know I can fight to hold on, but the summer is completely gone now. I’ll have to wait another six months to be the better version of myself. I just hope it doesn’t get bad as it used to. I hope I don’t lose myself. It’d be so much easier if I could blame something else. Like, can’t it be autumn’s fault? It’s the gateway season. It’s what gets me to start thinking like this.”

Zach was quiet then said softly, “Erica. You’re a genius!” I was flipped over and Zach was hovering over me. I was showered with kisses. “Do you have paper and a pen?” He was really excited. I knew it had to me a song. Quickly I handed him the packaging the bracelet came in and a Sharpie. He quickly wrote what his mind was concocting.

I slowly read out loud what he was scratching down, “We can fight to hold on, but August is gone. And even if the sun falls, I hope we don’t lose it all. ‘Cause no summer lasts forever. Just blame it on September.”

He looked up at me, smiling. He leaned in and kissed me. “Thank you.”

“I’m not sure I understand.”

Zach capped the Sharpie and shook the packaging. “When you started talking about the past and how you are the best version of yourself when it’s warm and sunny out. I started to think of summer loves. And how I had a summer love once, and it took a while to get over her. How the fall came in and ruined all that we had. Just like it does your happiness.”

He grinned again and kissed my cheek. I leaned my head down on his shoulder. We leaned back on the sofa and stayed quiet like we do a lot. We didn’t need to talk all the time. The fact that we were able to stay together in complete silence comfortably with each other was powerful to both of us. Just as we find this ground shaking power in words. That’s why it takes a while for certain things to come out properly. We need to pick out the best words to say before letting anyone hear our thoughts.

After what felt like a perfect hour spent, someone started to bang on the door so they can get ready before the show. Zach and I looked at each other, we smiled softly and nuzzled our heads together. Zach got up and opened the door while I starred down at my new bracelet. I then reached for Zach’s backpack and pulled out my copy of Perks that I kept hidden there. I cracked open the worn binding to the first page, “August 25, 1991. Dear friend...”