Reckless

I lie on my bed and stare and the worn stuffed toy that’s neck is currently crushed by my clenched fist. My teddy bear, the thing that reminds me every day of my illness. It seems that all it does is stare at me no matter where I put it, waiting for my junior side to come out and play with it. And that’s probably the worst part. I know that no matter how much I hate this stupid bear, I’ll need it for when I lose myself. Nelson will be the first thing that I look for. I throw the teddy at the wall in frustration, a smile forming on my lips as it bounces and then crashes to the ground with a barely audible thud.

Sunday and I have absolutely nothing to do. No friends to go to because of my stupid disability, and nowhere to go that wouldn’t involve my mother following along just in case.

Eh, fuck it.

I roll off of my bed and slip on my black converse. Slipping into the hallway, I quickly walk down the stairs but stop from turning around the corner when I hear my mom on the phone.

“I know, and I’m sorry Rod. I can’t just leave him on his own though, it’s not safe.” She says, voice sounding tired and frustrated.

Rod, her boyfriend, talks on the other line.

“Because he’s my son! I can’t go out with you today, not unless he came along.” She taps her fingers on the counter. “That’s what I thought. How about tomorrow? There’s a boy coming to help take care of him so Haden wouldn’t be alone.”

Tomorrow? Why hadn’t she told me about this? I walk around the corner and she quickly closes her mouth, shutting off the words about to be spoken. I take a seat on the stool beside her and grab an apple.

“Can I call you back later? Okay, bye!” She switches the phone off and diverts her eyes away from my long stare.

“I have someone coming tomorrow?” I ask, and then take a bite out of my apple.

She nods. “Yeah, I got the call yesterday. His name is Quincy Joe.” She puts on her fake smile and starts to wipe the already spotless counter.

I chuckle, “What did he do to get this punishment?”

“I’m not sure that I understand your question.”

Another bite out of my apple. “Come on, you and I both know that no one would volunteer to help someone like me. I’m a total pain in the ass and I don’t even try to be.”

“Haden Turco! You know I don’t like you using that kind of language!” She shakes her finger at me like one of those mothers in a really bad movie.

“Nice try in trying to change the subject, but seriously, if he didn’t do anything then why is he doing it?”

She sighs, “I don’t know what you’re talking about, and he’s just a normal guy that wants to help.”

I shake my head and start to head out of the kitchen. Before leaving, I turn to face her. “By the way, you’re a really bad liar.”

I quickly write a note to my mom telling her where I’ll be. Grabbing my jacket off the coat hook, I slip out the front door and start walking towards the town library. I pull my hood over my head as the rain starts to fall, and zip my jacket up as the wind whips at my body. The rain starts to fall harder so I jog the rest of the way there and rush into the warmth and comfort of the library.

My own safe haven.

I’ve always loved books, even my junior side can be shut up with a good children’s book. Robin Hood is the most likely. The old books in the library give me comfort; make me feel most stable because I get to read about other people’s problems and mistakes instead of focusing on my own for a change. I’m currently reading The Hunger Games, not the manliest book but can you blame me? A world with twelve districts, each of which has to give one boy and one girl every year for a game, a game at which all but one of those kids gets killed?! It’s a must read series!

I’m engrossed in my book when it happens. That familiar wave of dizziness that tells me that I’m losing myself. I look around frantically, librarians at their desks, a old man in the corner reading, a tall woman searching through the stacks of books.

Not here. Anywhere but here.

I shouldn’t have left without my mom, I shouldn’t have left period. Stupid! I quickly get up and head for the door but it’s too late, I feel the rest of myself slip through the cracks, caged behind a different personality. All goes black.

I open my eyes and look around. Where am I? Where’s my mommy? Where’s Nelson? A man is looking at a box filled with books, I walk towards him.

I pull in his shirt. “Excuse me Mister!”

He looks at me. He’s short; I’m almost as tall as him! “What do you want kid? I don’t like punks like you hanging around my library.” He sounds angry; people that are angry are scary.

“Mister, have you seen my mommy?” I look around the big room again but can’t see her anywhere. Where is she?!

The angry man laughs. It’s not a nice laugh. “What are you, four?”

I cross my arms and stick out my tongue at him. “Actually I’m six and a half!”

“Really kid? Are you fucked in the head or something?”

I cover my ears. “You said a bad word! My mommy’s gonna yell at you!”

“Okay seriously? I’m getting fed up with your shit kid, get the fuck out of my face before I make you!” He takes a step towards me and I’m scared.

Why is he being such a meany? I step back away from him and look around at the people that are looking at us. The doors open and my mommy runs through very fast.

I smile and jump up and down. “Mommy!”

She looks at me and quickly come to me, hugging me hard. “Haden! I was so worried!”
I point over at the man that’s staring at my mommy and me. “This man was being very mean!” I stomp my foot.

She puts her arm around my stomach and starts to pull me towards the doors. She looks back at the man. “I am so sorry, he has a disorder. I’ll keep a better eye on him next time!”
He nods at her then turns away, going back to the books.

“Come on Hadester, Nelson’s waiting for you in the car.” She smiles at me and pulls me to the car.

She opens my door and I hop in. I grab Nelson and squeeze him tight. “Nelson!” I scream, happy to see my best friend. I buckle myself into my seatbelt, something mommy taught me how to do last year.

She gets in the car and starts to drive away.