All I Wanted

The ball dropped, welcoming in 2008 without a bang. I was alone, sad, crying like an idiot, and wishing I could stop. I hated being this way, hated crying, hated everyone.

Cliche feelings.

I hated myself, most of all. 

Crying like that over an asshole, something I told myself I'd never do. But here I am. Stupid Central.

Even if all was bad, I had my mom and Drew. 2 people that I could trust. I missed having a girl friend, but I don't think I'd ever trust another girl again. Any girl I see, I wanted to kill her.
All these, idiotic, events plagued my brain. I missed Frank, but I hated him. Seeing his face made it even harder, his voice was stuck in my ears, I wanted to rid myself of him.

I hated feeling this way, and now I regret saying that it was worth it. It wasn't worth it anymore.
-

I didn't tell mom about Frank's visit, though I wanted to. I didn't want to tell Drew, I knew he would ask, and I didn't feel like getting into details with him.

As the week wore on, my dreams were filled him again. My fucking brain was betraying me. Everything in my heart was right, but my brain was persistent. The cells begged for Frank; his cute smile, his messy hair, his laugh, everything.

I even thought about calling him, but stopped myself. I even thought about calling Normal, but I couldn't; I was angry at the both of them, and to be honest, I wanted to beat the hell out of her. They deserved to be treated terrible, hell they could have each other for all I care.
-

When school started Drew walked with me. He and I had become close; he was funny and took me away from the world.

I had one class with him, English, and we shared lunch. I saw Normal during my first period, Trig, and didn't say anything to her. The rest of my classes were a mystery.
At lunch Drew and I sat in the cafeteria talking about how it was going so far. I tried to be involved with him, but I spotted Cameron and Normal. Cameron waved at me, I didn't know if he knew or not.

"How's my favorite tutor?" Cameron walked over to me in Government.

"Hey," I hugged him.

"Where have you been? I missed ya!" he let me go.

"I, uh, been busy with my mom," I lied quickly.

"You don't have to lie to me," he sat beside me, "Marilyn told me you guys had another fight."

I looked over at him, "We did."

"So? Can I help you guys patch things up?" Cameron smiled.

"I'll talk to her," I told him, "I just need a little time, Cam."
-

After school I walked home with Drew. I had been thinking about Normal, and Frank, all day. I tried to keep it at a minimum, but it ate at my brain.

"You look, stress, Sun," Drew put his arm around my shoulder.

"I am," I mumbled.

"What is it?" I nodded.

"This guy I use to date."

He hummed, "You miss him?"

I shook my head, "No, I hate him."

Drew chuckled, "Keep yourself busy."

Mom came home early that night and brought pizza. We both sat on the couch to watch some mind numbing TV.

"How was school?" she asked.

"It was fine..." she looked over at me, "Marilyn and I didn't talk." 

"You don't need to talk to her," her voice was rising, "she can't be your friend if she treats you that way," I nodded in agreement.

We both watched Cleopatra in silence. It bugged me that I was still running this all in my head.

"Ma?" she looked over at me, "Can I ask you something?"

Mom sighed softly, "You miss Frank?" she paused the movie.

"I really do," I began to tear up, "it hurts so bad," the tears streamed, "I hate them for what they did, but it hurts."

She rubbed my back, "I know, sweetie, I know."

"What do I do? I want to hate him, but I-I can't! It's impossible; I think about him all day," I smiled slightly, "and I still get butterflies when I think about all the sweet things he did."

Mom looked at me sternly, but her gaze was apologetic, "I can't tell you want to do or how to feel, but I want to advise you about what he and your friend did," I frowned a bit, "You love him. You'll always love him, he's your first love, he'll always be special to you." 

Her gaze didn't change, I didn't know what to think.

"Would you be angry if I got back with him?" she shrugged.

"I don't know...I don't trust him anymore," she spoke softly.

"Should I?" she took a deep breath.

"Your father was unfaithful once..." she looked down at her lap, "I was so angry I hit him," she looked at me, "he professed his love to me for 6 months until I took him back," she swallowed, "he was faithful until the day he died...he would always tell me where he was going and how long he would be gone. He would call and tell me he loved me at odd times," she smiled, "I knew, even if he cheated just once, he would regret it everyday."

I was still a little confused, "Did you hate him?" she shook her head.

"I cried everyday until I took him back," I smiled to myself, "and I know you must feel that way about Frank, huh?"

"Yes."

"Then...whatever makes you happy, Mija," she patted my leg, "just be cautious...there will be other men out there."