All I Wanted

It was about 5 am when I got home. Mom's car was in the drive way, I knew she was worrying about me. I sighed at how dumb I felt, I had left my cell phone on my dresser.

I got out my car, legs heavy, and walked up the porch. The door flew open before I could touch it.

"Sunny, where on earth were you?" she looked as exhausted as I felt.

"I don't remember."

She eyed me, pulling me in by my arm. She closed the door, I turned and looked to her.
"I want an honest answer from you, Sunny. Where were you?"

I kept my throat tighten, my legs felt as if they would give, "That asshole...he took me to some party...I don't remember where...Barrington, I think."

She looked my features over, looking at my eyes swell with tears again, "Did he do something to you? Did he rape you?" she spoke quickly.

"No! No!" I coursed my disheveled hair, "He was kissing on me...his friend came in," I felt so pressured and sick, "It took me forever to find the way back here."

I wasn't making sense, to her or to myself. I felt so frazzled, so empty, so fucking sick.

"Are you okay?" she reached out.

"No!" I jumped back, "I wanna...I need to shower."
-

Here we go again with the mopey attitude, and laziness, and the sickness. The routine, that I had just broken from, was back. I laid in my bed, feeling so much pent up anger, that I had to resist the urge to scream and hit something.

"Sunny," mom called out to me, "Sunny, come here, please."

I sat up, looking around; the clock beside me read 4:45 pm; I had only slept for a few hours, my body was exhausted. I sighed, walking to my door, and opening it. I walked out to the hall, and to my mom's room. She sat on the bed, she was dressed in her tennis shoes and scrubs, "Yes?" my throat was thick.

"I have to pull an all-nighter, will you be fine?" she looked hesitant to go.

"Just peachy," I retorted quietly.

"I can skip--"

I shook my head, "It's fine, ma, don't worry about me."

She frowned, "After what happen, I can't help but worry."

"I'm fine, I'm not going anywhere."

She looked worried, "Are you sure? I won't be home until late tomorrow."

I nodded, "I just wanna rest."

She sighed, as if she was getting ready to break some news to me, "I hate to budge into your life, but um..." she patted the bed, motioning for me to sit beside her, and I did, "while you were napping...I couldn't help but hear you cry and talk in your sleep."

I eyed her, "What...what did I say?"

She tighten her lips, but released, "You talked about Frank...and I hate," her eyes got glossy, and she swallowed, "I hate seeing you like this, Sunny."

I was still confused, "Mom, I'm just a little depressed right now...everything will get better once school is over."

She shook her head, "No, Sunny, I mean, the way you are acting now is exactly how I was after your father and Ronnie died. Things felt as if they would never get better, and for years they didn't; I don't want that for you. Not for you, Mija." I swallowed hard, her eyes were filling with salty tears, "I called a friend of mine, he's a therapist--"

I cut her off, "I don't need a therapist, I don't want anyone else to barge into my life."

Mom sighed, "I just want you to get better."

"Things will get better, I promise."

She shook her head, "Sunny, you need to talk to someone."

I shrugged, "I'll call Mikey or Gee--"

"They're his friends, you can't--"

"Mikey and I are cool, remember? We don't talk about Frank."

She tweaked her mouth, trying to read me, "Okay, talk to Mikey."

"Thanks."
-

No, I didn't call Mikey, or Gee. I stayed in my bedroom, crying my eyes out. I felt so betrayed, so angry, and so lonely. Sex with Mikey didn't fill the void, it only deepen it. I missed Frank, dammit, I wanted him back!

I'm so sick of crying and making excuses. I wanted Frank, I wanted his love, and at this moment I don't care I what he did. I don't care if he slept with Marilyn, or if he was still sleeping with her, I just wanted to wrap my arms around his warm, chubby body and never let go. He was so protective of me, so loving. I wanted him to be with me and hurt Drew.

As for that asshole, yeah that was definitely over. I wanted to run his ass over and stop when I knew he was dead. I wanted to rip his heart out and shove it up his ass.

I wanted to kill, I wanted to hurt him. I'm so tired of being hurt, I just wanna hurt someone else.