World So Cold

“Just a taste,” said Damon. A gust of wind came and blew my hair back, exposing my neck. I was sure it was Damon’s doing considering it had been perfectly calm a moment before. “And you know what? I want more,” he said and leaned in.

I had to do something. I had to stop him from biting me. He couldn’t taste my blood. Not again. If he bit me who knows if he could stop. My blood was like a drug. It was an addiction to vampires. There was no way he could have more without wanting more again.

As he leaned in I pressed my lips to his. I could tell I caught him by surprise. What surprised me were the feelings that coursed through my body. I couldn’t tell you what they were, I didn’t know myself. But it wasn’t something I was used to feeling.

Quickly pulling away Damon and I stared at each other in surprise. He hadn’t expected me to do that and neither had I. Stepping away from, Damon released me. I couldn’t read the look on his face other than he had not expected that. I didn’t know if he had felt what I did.

I didn’t give him a chance to say anything as I quickly took off into the trees. I changed into a black leopard as I continued running, jumping over logs and other items. I stopped once I felt I had gotten far enough away from him.

As I stopped I could see the rays of the morning light beginning to shine over the horizon. I changed back into a vampire and stood among the shadows of the oak trees. I stared at the forever rising sun as an idea began to formulate in my head.

The branches of the tree shielded me from the rays of the sun as I stared at the patch of sunlight that lay before me. I played with the lapis lazuli ring on my finger. Slow and methodically I pulled the ring off and held it in my palm.

It was such a beautiful ring. Filled with such Power as to make me allowed to walk in the sun. Setting it down on the grass I walked to the edge of the shadows. One more step and I would be engulfed in sunlight.

I reached out a tentative hand into the sunlight. Instantly my skin burned and sizzled like I had coated it in acid. I pulled back reflexively. The skin healed and the pain subsided. I took a deep breath. I thought of poor Stefan in the boarding house. I’m glad he would not know what I was doing.

He’d surely try to stop me. Too bad he couldn’t. I didn’t want him to either. I wanted this to happen. I didn’t want to keep living anymore. He didn’t love me. He didn’t want me. I was nothing to him. I couldn’t stand to live with the pain anymore. It was all too great.

I could shut off the pain. I could flip a switch and become a monster. But to save myself or the lives of hundreds of people was not a hard decision to make. I was nothing after all. I was of no importance to anyone.

I looked up at the sun and marveled at how bright it was. How it gave life to others and was now going to end mine. The creature of darkness stepping out of the shadows. I was going to die today. I was going to stop roaming this Earth.

Finally after so many years it would end. The pain I felt would end. I wouldn’t have to feel this way anymore and I wouldn’t bring such misery to others. People would be safer. Life would be better. The world would be better.

Damon wouldn’t care either. He never cared about me. Why is it never me? Why am I the one who is always cast aside? He wanted Katherine. He got Katherine. And then she tore him apart and left him. Now there’s Elena, who just happens to look exactly like Katherine.

And then there’s me. I’ve always been there. Even before Katherine arrived, I was there. He and I were together and we were happy, in love. At least that’s what I thought. And I’m still here, waiting for him. Waiting for him to realize that I do love him and that I always will. Instead he goes for what’s just out of reach. Instead of getting what he can, he goes for what he can’t.

I fear that there’s no point left. I spent the last 300 years unknowingly searching for him. He makes me feel that everything in the world can be right. I feel emotion around him, I feel alive. I’m not some cold, undead, unfeeling vampire anymore. I’m no longer a monster.

That’s what I felt go through me, I realized with a start. I felt alive for that second. I didn’t feel dead. But there’s no way I could go back to him. He only wants my blood. He only wants to use me. And I’m sure he did not feel the same thing.

I’ve lost him. I lost him and next will be my humanity. And if I lose all the humanity I have left, what little I have left. Then I fear that I’ll just give up. I’ll stop fighting the Power. I’ll let it completely take over. I’ll become the monster people make us out to be. And I don’t want that.

I’d rather be dead. With that thought I took the final step out into the sunlight.