World So Cold

I cried until I was asleep. Once I woke up I was aware of the sound of breathing. Breathing and a heartbeat. Sitting straight up in bed I looked towards the source of the noise. Seeing Elena sitting there, I stared in confusion.

“What are you doing here?” I asked. I sounded a bit harsh.

“Stefan wanted me to watch over you while he went out. He didn’t trust you to be alone. Honestly, I don’t think he wanted me alone either.” I felt like I was about to laugh. Stefan sent a human to watch me? It was just comical.

“So you know about us,” I said. It wasn’t a question.

“Yes, and I know the danger it poses to you guys if your secret gets out. I won’t tell. I don’t want anything to happen.”

“That and I’d kill you.” She seemed surprised at my bluntness. “I tolerate you, Elena. I don’t like humans, but Stefan loves you. Therefore, I’ll be nice. But the second you hurt him, you’re dead.”

“I would never hurt him,” said Elena. Her eyes were hard, determined. She shifted in her seat a little put off by my threat.

“Then we’ll be good friends,” I said smiling. It felt fake though. “Why does Stefan not want you alone?” I asked her.

“He doesn’t trust Damon. And frankly neither do I.”

“Smart girl,” I remarked. Just then I heard the door downstairs open and footsteps begin moving. “Stefan’s home,” I said smiling. I got off the bed and moved towards the doorway. I could smell what he had. The craving moved me forward.

I opened the door just as Stefan got there. I held out my hand to him in which he placed the baggie. “Thank you,” I said and then walked back into the room. Immediately I ripped open the bag and started drinking the contents.

I could feel my face change as the desire over came me. It was then that Elena let out a small noise. Looking over at her I smirked. “Not too glamorous is it?” I asked. She stared at me slightly wide eyed in terror. I had blood around my mouth and on my lips and my face was no longer human. I didn’t blame her.

“Juliet,” snapped Stefan. As I looked at him I shrugged. Not my fault his girl couldn’t handle it. Life wasn’t always perfect or beautiful. Welcome to the dark side, I thought almost laughing aloud as I continued to drink from the bag.

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Listen?

I stared out the window, the house to myself. Stefan and Elena had gone to some party hosted by their new teacher. Some Alaric Saltzman guy. Placing a hand on the window I felt the cold and smooth touch of it. Just like Damon’s lips, my mind murmured. I tore my hand away from the mirror as if I had been burned.

“Non posso stare senza di te,” I whispered knowing it was completely true, no matter how much I wished it wasn’t. Looking out at the darkness that cloaked the land I wished to be outside. It was natural, part of my instincts, to be out at night.

Going up onto the widow’s walk I enjoyed the feeling of the cool air. I had thankfully been wearing a jacket so I was not cold. That and it didn’t have much effect on me. I faced into the wind and let it blow my hair back.

I thought of Damon as I did so. He was a constant thought on my mind now. He wouldn’t leave. In my dreams, in my thoughts, he was always there. But he would never be close to me. He was always too far, just out of reach. Someone I couldn’t touch, no matter how much I wanted to.

I wish I could be over him. I wish I could forget him. I wished so many things that wouldn’t or couldn’t happen. But mostly I wished that we could be together. I was tired of going through this alone. I didn’t want to be alone anymore.

For the first time in a long time I felt. I had feelings, I felt my human side, I was able to show emotion. And it sucked. It was painful. I thought of yesterday and how I had almost killed myself over the rush of emotion that overtook me.

It was like Damon’s kiss had brought the humanity out of me. The sudden overwhelming feeling of being alive had almost killed me. The pain that he had caused, the thing I had ignored for years had come back to the surface.

At that moment I couldn’t handle it. Now it was better, slightly easier. It still hurt. It felt like someone was staking me. But it was bearable. I wasn’t going to kill myself over it. I could live, for now. I didn’t know how long.

I loved him, I hated him, I didn’t want to be without him. For all that he had done to me, all that I could not forgive. I wanted to be done with him but how do you walk away from someone who has your heart?

The answer is you can’t. You’re attached to them by the strings coming from your heart. Nobody could live without a heart. Vampires could try. Eventually though we’d feel emotion again. We couldn’t keep up the charade forever.

I was stuck was loving him. I wanted to be with him and I knew in doing that I would only put myself through torture. It would only hurt me. He didn’t love me. He never would. It had always been, and always will be, Katherine. Never me.

But I couldn’t forget him. I couldn’t get over him. He was in my thoughts, in my dreams. It’s like he’s taken over me. I was lost. I didn’t know who I was anymore, all I knew was him. All I thought about was him. Ever since that kiss.

Nothing but him. If he had become addicted to my blood, I was addicted to him. I wanted just to see him one more time. To just touch him, have the feel of him near me. I wanted him.

And this wasn’t me. This wasn’t who I was. I was never this weak, this vulnerable. I was usually the strong one. The one in charge, the one killing. But Damon had taken that over. He was stronger than I was. He had more Power.

I realized something then, in that moment. I realized that I would never get over him. No matter how much time went by I would always love him. Forever and always he would have my heart.