House Full of Roses

The day after it happened, everyone seemed in shock. Everyone is too shaken to speak a single word, too dazed to offer a kind gesture to those grieving around us. Yesterday was the day I came home to find the letter waiting for me on the fourth step of the stairs, the broken step. That seemed fitting, given that the letter broke our hearts.

This news, this loss was staggering. No one expected it to happen so soon. After all, Jimmy was so young.

The time we should have been celebrating the new year and the completion of the guys' new single instead we spent mourning. After a few days, the initial shock wore off. We all sat around telling stories of Jimmy's antics, ones that made us laugh so hard we cried. There will never be any time better spent.

Like the incidence with the 'stallion duck' that was truly a goose. That day will be permanently engraved in my memories.

Sometimes the recollections leave me happy, because talking about Jimmy almost makes it feel as though he is still here. Other times I feel dry, the reminiscences draining my already empty soul. I cry. So much sometimes that I'm not sure where the tears could possibly coming from.

I hear some people say this isn't real, this isn't happening. Ah, how I wish that were true.

Zacky says that we're all just victims of a crime. A crime of God. But how does God commit a crime? From time to time I believe this, but other times I feel this is just an excuse. An excuse to help cover the pain we can't shelter inside.

Occasionally I ask myself what's left here now that Jimmy is gone. After all, how are you supposed to live without your best friend, the love of your life? I need something more. Please God. I find myself asking. Please send Jimmy back to us for just a little while. But I know nothing good can last forever. It seems that is the poison in our lives. We find something good, something we want to stick with, someone we love, and before we can blink, it's gone.

Sometime I would trade it all just to have Jimmy alive again, and here with us.

I don't know why, know one does, but the year of Jimmy's death just seemed wrong, almost like we were sitting in the shadow of a sleeping demon. And on that fateful day when we lost Jimmy, the time had come for it to awaken.

Life with Jimmy was easy. We were all so care-free, joking, full of life. We were living on top of the world and we thought nothing would ever bring us down. The guys were working on a new album, which they were sure would be their best yet. For that period of my life, I was happy. I was content. I had good friends, a wonderful life, and a love to last the ages.

But since last December, it seems we're standing in a desolate waste land, searching for a sign. For what, I have no idea. Maybe a sign that this is all a horrible nightmare, and that soon I'll wake up and find Jimmy lying next to me in our bed.

Or maybe we're looking for a indicator of what's to come. Will a future without a good friend be as dark and bleak as I foresee? Or will the clouds on the horizon suddenly part to lead us to a future where lives goes on? Albeit, a hole will always remain, but life would move on. We would move on.

We all need a reason to stay. My reason wasn't apparent at first, but eventually it came to light. Yes, life without Jimmy may be difficult, but Jimmy wouldn't have wanted us to grieve for him for the rest of our lives. So that is my reason to stay. To make Jimmy happy, whether he be here on earth with the rest of us, or partying it up in the afterlife.

We the victims live with this crime. God's crime of cutting Jimmy's life thread many years too soon. And for the rest of time, one thing will always hold true.

We'll miss you, Jimmy.