Gotta Have You

"I just can't do this anymore." I sighed exasperatedly into my cell. "You're never home, and when you are, you're either asleep, eating or watching TV. I can't remember the last time we had a legitimate conversation. It's like we're not even together anymore!" I know that me complaining about your job and that you're never home makes you upset, but for some reason I can't keep it in. "I know you work hard so that you can live your dream and spoil me rotten when the occasion arises, but I'd rather more normal time with you than short, amazing moments when you remind me how much you love me."

"What do you want me to do, quit my job?" you say, your voice rising slightly.

I tossed a couple of boxes of Easy Mac into the cart, knowing I'd need something quick and easy if you wanted dinner when you got home late.

"You know how hard I've worked to get to where I am, Frankie." you continued, sighing. I knew you're wondering why I couldn't understand how important this was to you. "This is a dream job. This job is what I've wanted since I was a just a scrawny kid, sketching super heroes in the margins of my class notes. But I have to work really hard if I want to keep it."

"I know, I know." I said, starting to set all the food on the conveyor belt. "But sometimes I wish you were still that scrawny kid, or that enthusiastic art school graduate with huge dreams, but nowhere to go from there. That's the Gerard I fell in love with. Not this workaholic who rarely even kisses me goodbye before leaving for work."

"I didn't know it was that important to you." You knew I was upset now. I never called you by your full name unless I was angry or upset with you.

"It isn't! I'm just saying that you used to keep me in bed until we absolutely had to get up, keep me wrapped in your arms for as long as you could before we had to go to class, as if I was special.... what's happened to us, Gerard?"

"I don't know." you said, sounding sad. "We grew up, I guess. Stopped believing in the happily ever after."

"So you're not happy with me now?" I said, eyes starting to go blurry with tears as I dumped the last grocery bag into the trunk of my car.

"I never said that, I just-"

"Just what?" I said. "Just don't love me anymore?"

"You know I love you, Frankie."

"You do a shit job of showing it." I said, getting even more worked up. "You say you love me, but when was the last time you held me, just to feel me close to you? When was the last time you gave anything up for me? I'm always second best these days. The way you're acting is starting to make me doubt you ever loved me at all."

I'd gone too far, and we both knew it. I couldn't figure out what to say, what to do to make it right, but I wasn't so sure I wanted to just then.

"How can you say that?" you said, sounding incredibly hurt. "How can you think I don't love you? You're my everything."

"I don't feel like I am. And if you can't make me feel loved, and if I don't make you happy-"

"Frankie, don't do this."

"-then maybe we should reconsider this relationship."

"You mean... break up?" you said, tears creeping into your voice.

"Yeah." I sighed, the tears running down my face silently now. "I just don't think this is working anymore. We're not working anymore. You said yourself you'd given up on our happily ever after. If you're not happy, I'm not going to force you to stay with me."

"Frankie, I've never been happier than when I'm with you. Don't do this. This isn't the answer. We can work this out. I can work less hours, make sure you know just how much I love you every second of every day."

"It's the only way we can be free and happy again. You'll have more time to work on your comics and I'll have more time to focus on my writing. I haven't been able to finish a decent chapter in months, because I'm always making sure that every single second I have with you is the best part of both of our days. I get spaced out while I'm writing, thinking too much about you and me and what I've done to make you so distant. This is for the best, Gerard."

"Frankie, please." you were sobbing now. I could hear it in your voice.

"Goodbye, Gerard."

I knew if I'd stayed on the line any longer, I would have lost my nerve.

At that time, I truly thought this was the best way to make you happy. That's all I've ever wanted. But I underestimated how much we needed each other.

I knew I was the cause of this. I just wanted you happy, but your "dream job" was taking priority over me and I couldn't stand it. You were always first in my life, but I was starting to think I wasn't first in yours.

I don't think you know this, but I did cry over our break up. I sate there in that Kroger parking lot for almost an hour.

I must have been quite a sight to see when I showed up at Ray's house shortly after I finished sobbing, holding grocery bags limply in my arms, tears and eyeliner staining my cheeks and my eyes red from all the crying. I must have scared the shit out of him, and his girlfriend, who was over at the time, but kindly left so I wouldn't feel uncomfortable, reassuring me it was all right and that she had somewhere else to be.

I was devastated that I wouldn't have you anymore, but I just knew it was for the best.

But those opinions have changed.

You've got some real nerve, you know; making me need you like I do.