Make Me Feel Like Dirt

“So, did you have fun last night?”

I froze slightly, shutting the front door before turning around to face my boyfriend, forcing a smile onto my face. Yes, forcing. My head is pounding, my stomach feels like it’s constantly being punched and I just generally feel like hell. I need to stop drinking so much…

“Yeah it was alright, Rian. John Oh likes to party, you know that,” I nodded, shrugging.

The tequila shots. The scantily-dressed girls. The beer pong. The bright lights. The swirling smoke. The heat. It’s all just a blur.

“Who else was there?” Rian asked curiously, leaning against the doorframe with his arms folded over his chest.

“If you’d come with me, you would know,” I shot back, not liking his tone.

Why is he being so goddamn nosy? I walked past him into the kitchen, pouring cold water into a glass to ease my headache. Rian stared at me like he was expecting a better answer, so I rolled my eyes.

“Just the usual guys,” I said simply, taking a sip.

Rian stared at me for a few seconds, making me a bit uncomfortable. What?!

“So nothing out of the ordinary happened?” he asked, frowning.

“No, I already said that,” I replied, confused.

I finished my glass of water and started to walk out of the room, when Rian shot his hand out, slamming the door shut.

“Cut the bullshit Zack. I know exactly what happened last night,” Rian growled.

“What the fuck are you on about?” I asked wearily.

“I was woken up by a phone call at 4am. Kyle was sobbing, saying how sorry he was for letting you seduce him and that he would never forgive himself. You fucking cheated on me, Zack, and you don’t even have the balls to admit it!” Rian said angrily.

My jaw dropped slightly as I processed his words. What the fuck?!

“I didn’t cheat on you!” I defended, eyes bulging and arms wide.

Rian shook his head, ignoring me.

“I gave you every opportunity to confess, and you can’t even respect me enough to do it,” Rian sneered.

“I didn’t cheat on you! Why would I? You know I love you,” I replied, getting angry myself.

“Then why would Kyle call me and confess while crying?” Rian replied through gritted teeth, raising an eyebrow.

“I don’t know, maybe whatever he was smoking last night made him delusional,” I retorted.

“Fucking hell Zack, stop lying, you crossed the line this time,” Rian scowled.

“But I’m not lying!” I insisted, throwing my hands up in the air.

“Have you got any idea how it feels to be me when you do stupid stuff like this? I feel humiliated, Zack, because I put my trust into someone who abuses it. I feel furious because you betrayed me again. But most of all, I’m hurt Zack. Why can’t I be enough for you? Why can’t you be happy with just me?” Rian cried out.

I shook my head desperately. I can’t believe all of this! Rian knows I would never hurt him.

“Are you really going to believe Kyle, someone who you barely know, over your boyfriend, who you’ve known since you were 14? Someone who loves you?” I exasperated.

“I don’t know what to believe, Zack. John is such a bad influence on you, and you know it. Every party you go to of his without me, you come back smelling of all sorts of things. And then there’s the photos of you way too close to people. And then there was that time you made-out with Pat while Kennedy caught it on film! I’ve always believed your excuses, but this…this I can’t,” Rian said softly.

“But I didn’t do anything!” I whimpered, stepping closer to him.

But Rian stepped backwards, holding his hands out to stop me getting any closer. Tears sprung in my eyes and I swallowed heavily to prevent them from falling. This isn’t fair! I-I…shit, I don’t even remember last night. But I would remember if I cheated on Rian, I know I would! He’s my everything and he knows it.

“I can’t stand cheaters,” Rian whispered.

“What are you saying?” I choked.

Rian winced at my voice, biting his lip.

“I can’t do this Zack. I can’t be with someone I don’t trust,” Rian said quietly.

“N-No, you don’t mean that. You can’t go! I love you,” I begged, whispering the last part.

Tears filled Rian’s own eyes, spilling over messily.

“I thought I loved you too,” Rian whimpered.

I reached out to brush his tears away, but he pushed my hands away from him. Oh my God, he’s serious about this! He can’t be!

“Rian please, I’ll do anything. I swear on my life that I didn’t cheat on you! I would never! You’ve got to believe me, please,” I pleaded, my bottom lip trembling.

“I can’t Zack. I’m sorry but I can’t,” Rian said sadly.

Rian walked out of the kitchen quickly and I tried to follow him but my limbs wouldn’t move. All I could do was sink to the floor, resting my head on my knees. I feel like I can’t breathe. This…this can’t be happening. Rian can’t leave me! We have so much planned for our future together for this to be over! We’ve been together for nearly 3 years now, damn it! We always talked about getting married, and then adopting kids, and maybe moving out to a nice quiet suburban town with a white picket fence house…but now…now these dreams could be over, and I didn’t even do anything! I know I didn’t! I don’t understand why he won’t believe me. I thought Rian knew how much I love him. How much I won’t be able to survive without him by my side. How little worth I have on my own.

I don’t know how long I was sitting there, but the tears just kept flowing, even more so when Rian appeared in front of me holding a suitcase. His forehead creased and he pressed his lips tightly together when he saw my bloodshot eyes and tear-streaked face, but he just gripped tighter to his bag.

“I’m going to stay with Alex and Jack for a while,” Rian announced.

“Rian please…”

Rian held out a hand to interrupt me, shaking his head.

“I need a break from this chaos, Zack. It isn’t healthy. If…If you can straighten yourself out, give me a call and we might be able to work things out. But don’t call me until then. It’s all down to you, Zack. I can’t be here while you do it,” Rian said firmly.

“I love you,” I whispered, trying to etch his face into my memory.

“I know,” Rian replied with a weak smile.

The second he left my line of sight, raw sobs tore from my throat. I felt numb on the outside and like I was being torn apart from the inside, a constant battle of emotions raging. How can something so right turn into something so wrong?