The Choices We Make

“The decision is yours.” my mother said. I looked at my finger tips and bit my lip.

“I know.. I just don't know what would be right. I don't want to make the wrong decision” I admitted softly.

My mom smiled at me. “Sweetie, I know. You wont make the wrong decision if you go with the decision that would be best for you. Go sit in your room in the quiet and think about your options. Make a decision in the morning and then call Nate.” She kissed my forehead and ushered me towards the stairs.

I got up and pushed my chair in and walked up to my room. I had a lot to think about. My stupid decisions landed me in a really bad position. Yeah, just like a lot of fifteen year old girls around the country, I had to buy a pregnancy test and yeah you guessed it, it was positive. I didn't want to believe it, so I took five others. All positives. The babies dad was a guy that never really was tied down, Nate Isaac. We weren't a couple, not close. We just flirted around.. a lot.. and we were friends with benefits. We swore we would keep it strictly that way, no feelings, no attachments; obviously that's not what fate wanted.

My problem was not only that. If I decided to keep the baby then Nate and I would automatically have never ending ties. I didn't love Nate. I loved my best guy friend, Jake, who constantly sent mixed signals. If I didn't keep the baby, I would be faced with the pain of the decision and forever the thought about it.

My future was at risk as was Nate's. Mine of course was still two years away but Nate's would start in just under a year. Nate was a senior and I was only a sophomore. I would not let me and an unwanted baby get in the way of Nate's goals.

I thought on the subject for hours until I finally fell asleep.

When I woke up my head was pounding. I looked at the clock 10:00 a.m. I rolled out of bed and stretched and then grabbed my cell phone. It was time to call Nate and tell him. My heart started to beat quicker and my body started to quiver. I was scared. I had to tell him I was pregnant plus that I was getting rid of the baby, I was so fearful of all of it overwhelming him.

He picked up on the second ring. “Yo, yo, Acelynn. What's the haps?”

I sighed deeply and then touched my fingers tips to my stomach. I opened my mouth to say a word but Nate interrupted me.

“what's wrong? Is everything okay?” He asked me in a concerned voice. One thing I loved about him was that he could tell whenever something was off. He knew at ten in the morning that this would be more than a friendly call.

“Um. Well.. I..” I stopped myself right there as thoughts flooded my head. What if he wanted to be a man and keep the baby? What if he wanted to drop his dreams and goals for me? I couldn’t let that happen. I couldn't let him throw away his life like that. Maybe, I would just do this without him. I wanted him there, he deserved to be there, but I knew this would be best. What he didn't know couldn't hurt him. I would just get it done and things would stay normal between us, our lives would go unchanged. No ties, not attachments.

“What?”

“Never mind,” I sighed. “it wasn't important.” Nate wouldn't push me further, he wouldn't make me tell him anything because he believed I deserved privacy. I liked that about him. That's why our friendship worked out so well.

I knew what he would say before he said it. “Are you sure?” He asked like he did each time I avoided telling him something.

“Yes. I'll call you later. Bye.” I hung up the phone before he could say anything. My eyes tickled with tears and I got up and forced myself down the stairs and to the kitchen where my mom was probably looking at the newspaper.

People are really predictable when you know them for a while; my mother was sitting at the table reading the newspaper proving my thoughts right.

“Good morning, mom.” I said softly but enough for her to here and look up at me with her deep green eyes identical to mine. I sat down next to her and grabbed the comics section scanning it briefly before setting it back down.

My mom closed her newspaper and sat it down on the table. “So what's up? Did you decide what you want to do, dear?”

I nodded. I debated internally whether telling her I didn't tell Nate would be a good idea or not. I decided to just tell the truth, her glares and lecture couldn't be as bad as when I actually told her I was pregnant. Her glares were the worst. Lecture wasn't so bad when it ended up in options. My pregnancy lecture was about disappointment then she said I could get an abortion, do adoption, or keep the baby and get a job. She knew I would choose abortion, she was just hoping I didn't because that wouldn't of been what she would have chosen.

I seen her adjust in her seat and sit up a bit straighter. “What?”

“Abortion.”

Pain washed over her face. I had to do this for me, for Nate, and for her. She wasn't ready to be a grandma.

“Fine.” She wasn't going to argue. My mom knew when I made a decision it was serious and I wouldn't change my mind. Ever. “Did you tell Nate at least?”

I shook my head and looked down with shame trying to avoid her glares. “You need too.” She said.

“I can't. Can we please just go to the clinic? I really just want to get this over with. If Nate knew things would change and be different. I want things to stay just the way they are.”

She stood up and grabbed her purse and car keys. Without saying a word we walked out the front door and to the car. This would be a long ride.

******
I sat in the parking lot of the clinic in my moms car, tears running down my face. This is why I wanted Nate to be with me. My mom was holding tissues and passing them to me as I drenched more and more of them. I try to have a strong exterior but sometimes I just let a few things through. My mom was one of the only people I would let see me cry. The only one who would never see me as weak for crying.

“What happened?” She asked, quietly, handing me another tissue.

“I couldn't do it. Just right about as it was going to happen I put my hand up to the doctor and told her to wait. I don't understand why, I was so for it when I thought it all out. It seemed like the right time but just as she was about to do it something in my heart wouldn't let it happen. I can't keep this baby though. I don't want to hold him back. He graduates in two months.”

My mom scrunched her eyebrows together and tapped the steering wheel with her fingers. “Okay, I'm going to support you and let you do what you want. I feel like a bad mom because what I'm about to suggest but what if you don't tell Nate, if you keep the baby your belly wont grow much anything in two months. He wont know. Just act the same around him and then after the school year just keep putting off hanging out with him.” She sighed.

“I guess I have too, but I now am going to loose Jake because he wont want me if I'm pregnant with Nate's baby, he already glares at Nate just for hugging me.”

“Obviously if you couldn't go through with this abortion something in your heart wanted you too keep it and maybe you didn't even see if because you pushed yourself to think you wanted an abortion. You can't let your head rule your heart. And if you want to keep this baby, which you do, you'll realize that there are things you have to give up and Jake is one of them. Well maybe not giving up Jake completely, I'm sure if you talked to him he would understand and even if you couldn't be romantically involved you could still be friends and if you like him so much than friends should just be enough.”

I smiled at my mom for being so wise and loving and understanding. I reached over the console and hugged my mom tightly as I cried on her shoulder for everything I was about to get myself into but I also cried for everything my mom has been through and still she never ceases to amaze me. That moment really made me grasp how lucky I was. My mom was very kind. There had always been a pregnant girl in my school and everyone always felt bad for her because her parents would kick her out, her boyfriend/babies daddy wouldn't care about her and she had no one to go through her pregnancy with. My situation was so much better. My mom would support me, my babies daddy was a good guy and would be there most likely if I told him, and I had my best friend and my family to help me through the pregnancy.

These are the moments in life when you realize how blessed or un blessed you are and if you are blessed, it's a moment that makes you think how worse things could be and how you shouldn't take anything for granted.