Letters to Prince Charming

Dear Carl,

I missed you today, like really bad.

I don’t know what happened, I just saw the word dad and it hit me like a ton of bricks that you’re gone. That isn’t supposed to happen after a year is it?

I don’t know…

I just started crying; like hard. I start to sob and had to cover my mouth so I wasn’t too loud. I was scared I’d wake my Gram and she’d ask what was wrong. I couldn’t have her ask a question I didn’t know…

I didn’t know a lot of things lately and I couldn’t just give her that answer.

Like with school I’m still giving her the run around. Someone said something interesting about it though, they said:

You think maybe schools hard because it’s getting so close to your dad’s one year death mark? At the time I shrugged it off and said ‘maybe’ just so she’d drop the subject. Lately though I’m starting to believe it…

I don’t know!

I just… can you come back? For just a day?

Just an hour even?

I know you can’t but I really wish you would, I just… Want you here for a second.

I dyed my hair back to black like you wanted… I miss the red but I’m sticking to black.

I plan to move to L.A. next year around this time. That’s where you were born… Maybe that’s why I feel so at home even though I had never been there before then…

I just… I miss you so fucking much it hurts. It hurts worse than anything I’ve ever felt; physically and emotionally.

I’ve had people die before but this is worse than all of that combined.

I mean it’s been a fucking year and I still get these days where… where I feel like it just happened yesterday.

I feel like I want to scream at the top of my lungs from the pain but I won’t can’t.

I don’t know, I’ll just sit here and wait for sleep to bring some sort of nightmare. I’m hoping it’ll be a dream of you though… just so I’ll feel a little better for a little longer.

I have to go, I’m going to-

I don’t know what I’m going to do but I have to go.

I love you