Being a Luddite

Christina gazed in dismay at the computer screen, which was humming gently. She could only assume that it was working on acquiring an Internet connection.

She sat for a bit, listening to it hum.

And then a bit longer.

She stared at it sternly. This had no obvious affect.

She sat and listened to the soft, annoying hum for a few more seconds.
And a few more.

The computer continued to hum blankly. If it had been a human, it would have assumed a poker face.

Christina picked up a nearby pot plant and smashed it into the computer screen. To no avail.
She swore at the computer screen. Copiously. As if in revenge, a message appeared. ‘Updates are ready to be installed. Shut down computer?’

“What updates?!” Christina had risen now and was shaking her fist at the unfortunate laptop. “I haven’t asked you to update anything! Did you hear me ask you for updates?! Where did they come from? You didn’t think of that, did you? You thought you were so clever, updating everything for me that you didn’t realize where they were from!! Where are the updates?! They could be a virus for all you know!”

Christina was sitting in restaurant. Damp soil from the pot plant had landed in her coffee cup. People were beginning to look at her oddly. She caught the eye of a nearby staring person. He gave her a patronizing, pitying smile, the kind you give to crazy people.

Christina drank her coffee.

“I don’t want updates,” she told the computer in what she hoped was a reasonable, calm voice. “I want you to let me online. Understand?” Her laptop hummed. She took this as a yes.

Christina jabbed furiously at the ‘repair wireless network’ option. Nothing happened for a bit.
Disabling wireless network… connecting to the wireless network…

Christina waited in anticipation for that elusive sign: ‘wireless connected. Signal strength: high’. And then she waited some more.

She drank the rest of her coffee.

A message box appeared. Yes! No. Wait. Hang on…

‘Updates are ready to install. Shut down computer?’

Seventeen startled customers stared as Christina threw the offending laptop out of the window.

Amidst the sounds of tinkling glass, Christina’s phone rang.

“Hello,” she answered, with all the enthusiasm of an innocent convict being sent to a slow and painful execution.

“Christina, hi! It’s Janet! How are you doing?”

“I just threw my computer out of the window.”

“…Oh?”

“It was a laptop.”

“Really?”

“So it was easy to throw,” she explained.

“Oh.”

“Hang on, I’ve got to go. The manager of the café’s yelling at me.”

“… Bye.”

An hour and a severe decrease in her finances later, Christina could at least say that she had paid for the damage she had done. As she walked out of the building, she saw her slightly mangled looking laptop on the floor. It was humming gently. She knelt down to read the text box that had appeared on the screen.

‘Updates are ready to install. Shut down computer?’