Ego te Provoco

I had gazed at the dead body for only a few moments before my mind drifted elsewhere. Mostly toward that one. Oh, the thought of that one beneath me, his throat in my hands, his life balancing precariously on the edge of the end and continuity. There was nothing I liked more than that moment. I loved their begging eyes and their desperate movements and the way they looked when they realized they wouldn’t be getting out of this alive.

I loved death. It was such an addicting thing. Once you’d tasted it once, you had to have more, and more, and more… But for now, I would wait. I drifted through the kitchen and out toward a long hall lined with doors. I slid my hand across them all, before opening one and stepping inside. This was a study. I remember not being allowed down here when I was a child, when my father was watching over me like a hawk, his piercing black eyes drilling holes into my soul. He had this mocking curl to his upper lip whenever I spoke to him, as though my words were worthless – as though I was worthless. Imagine feeling like dirt, like trash, at the tender age of eight or ten, imagine feeling already as though you had nothing to live for and no potential…I felt like I was doomed to never make it past even elementary school, that something as simple as high school was like an unattainable dream for a person like me.

So then I became reclusive.

I didn’t want to have friends anymore – I didn’t want to associate with people who could conceivably be the cause of my downfall. After all, I wanted my father to be proud of me, and it was possible that the people I was socializing with on a daily basis were doing me wrong, or at least weren’t doing me any good. It was then that I realized how much more potential I had than they, and how much smarter I was, how much more cunning, sly, strong…

I was simply better than they were, and all possible ways.

I studied. In my free time I studied for school and for recreational purposes. I wanted to learn as much about everything as I possibly could, and I didn’t care how long it took me to understand something, so long as I understood it better than all of them ever would. I had to be better.

I suppose that is what drove me to kill the first one. I was probably thirteen at the time and on the test scores someone continuously got marks one or two points higher than I. Thinking this meant I was a failure – no, it most definitely meant that I was a failure – I decided to be friendly. Friendly, you may ask? Why would you be friendly to the person who excels where you do not, you might add?

It was all part of the plan, you see. The very first plan, and as simple as it was, I knew I would succeed.

We became very close friends very quickly. We ‘hung out’ together at recess and we ate lunch together. One day I asked if he wanted to come over to my house after school so that we could study together for the upcoming math exam, and he eagerly agreed. Ah, if only everyone could have seen the delighted grin on his face to have finally been invited over to another human being’s house – lord only knows that it had never happened before seeing as he’d always been so damn uptight and obsessed with his studies.

He’d come home with me after school but had paused awkwardly outside of the front door, looking up at the ancient-looking building which I lived in. I gestured impatiently for him to come inside, it looked like it was going to rain, and he followed hurriedly, keeping his head down so as to not allow me to see the embarrassed flush on his cheeks. I hated to admit it at the time, but something about him had been addictive, alluring almost. There was something about the boy that had intrigued me to no end…Well, actually, to a very definitive end.

I’d brought him up to my room and for a short while we did study, but I soon stopped that by gesturing for him to come sit next to me so I could show him something. He didn’t notice the dangerous look in my eyes…Or maybe he did and didn’t want to acknowledge it. I patted the bed next to me and he shifted uncomfortably. A smirk practically devoured my lips and I slid an arm around his shoulders, drawing him closer. The boy stiffened considerably and tried to push me away, but I wouldn’t have any of that. When I wanted something, I got it.

I leaned over so that he could feel my breath on his cheek and quietly I murmured the words that I’d been simply aching to say since the first day that I’d met him. “You’re holding me back. You’re making yourself seem better than me. Nobody is better than me, so I’m going to fucking kill you.”

I could still clearly remember the look of terror that had been in his eyes as he heard the absolute sincerity in my voice. Barely a second later my hands were around his throat and his cheeks were turning slightly blue tinted as I cut off the air from his lungs.

I threw his body in a sub-level of the basement and nobody was ever the wiser.

I suppose that you could say that that was the turning point in my life…I suppose you could say that from there on out there was no chance of me ever meshing well with others my age…I suppose you could say that I conceivably should have felt some remorse for what I’d done, seeing as in that moment I’d become a cold-blooded, sadistic murderer…

But I’d rather not get poetic about my life, seeing as there’s two left to go before I can get what I want.

-

I lean back against the wall, waiting, almost like a spider waiting to creep up on its prey that got caught in his web. I crouch down on the floor with my bare arms draped across my knees in an overly relaxed manner. I listen to the hushed voices of my guests through the wall and I can’t help but smile. The next one would be coming along soon.

I’d gone into the study for only a brief moment, only to grab something which I slid into my pocket. I can feel its sharp contours pressing against the muscles of my leg.

Victim number two…When would you come and grace me with your presence? I’m in the mood to play.

I laugh.