Let Me In

So I came inside to be with you,
We talked all night,
About everything you could imagine,
'Cause come the morning, I'll be gone,
And as our eyes start to close,
I turn to you and I let you know,
That I love you.

“Let me just tell the band I won’t be at the hotel tonight,” he said without a direct answer, “Want to say hi to them?”

I nodded, and he gently grasped my hand and led me towards where the van was parked. I was greeted by all of the band, and we talked while Josh grabbed a few things he would need if he stayed with me for the night.

When he had everything, we bid the band goodbye, and walked through the lot to my awaiting car. We slid in, and I blushed as I hurriedly turned down the Aaron Carter CD I had listened to on the drive to calm me down.

“Kickin’ it old school are we Payt?” Josh said with a laugh and using my old nickname.

“You know there’s something about Aaron Carter that calms my nerves,” I said still blushing.

“Ever since we were teens,” he said smiling.

I smiled back, and we drove the short distance we had left to the apartment complex I lived in. I pulled in next to Jen’s car, and smiled while sighing as I shut off the car. I reached into the backseat to grab my purse, and let Josh grab his bag as well. We climbed out of the car, and I hit the button twice in order to set the alarm.

“She might be sleeping, but she’ll need to be up soon for a feeding anyways,” I said as we climbed the stairs.

He just nodded, and we stopped in front of the red door as I fished for the right key. I stuck it in, and before I could even push the door open all of the way, I could hear the cries of Molly.

“Shh, baby it’s okay, Mommy’s here,” I said rushing over without even thinking about Josh in the doorway.

Jen smiled, relieved and I bounced Molly as I soothed her.

“Oh! Jen, this is Josh. Josh this my cousin, Jen,” I said turning towards them, “Thank you so much Jen, I owe you big time. I hope she wasn’t this fussy all night.”

“She was an angel up until about five minutes ago,” she said grabbing her purse, “I think she needs to be fed and changed. She crashed about 20 minutes after you left.”

“I’ll get to it,” I said with a smile, “I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?”

She nodded, and walked past Josh, who was still standing awkwardly in the foyer. I motioned for him to join me on the couch, and he quickly obliged. I rocked Molly, and it didn’t take long for her to become her normal happy self.

“Wanna hold her while I get her bottle ready?” I asked as I watched Josh stare at her intently.

“Uh, sure,” he said nervously, “I haven’t held a baby for about 11 years though.”

“It’s easy, I’ll show you,” I said scooting closer and placing Molly into his arms, “Just make sure her heads supported, and you’ll do fine.”

He nodded, and I smiled as he started cooing at her. I walked into the kitchen and shuffled through the cabinets finding a bottle. I put in the necessary formula, as well as water before placing it in the microwave to warm it. I glanced over the bar, and Molly had Josh’s finger grasped in her small hand which caused a hug smile to form on his face.

The microwave dinged, and I grabbed the bottle out testing the temperature on my wrist. It was perfect, and I padded back to Josh and Molly.

“Want to feed her?” I asked seeing as he was so intrigued by her.

“Yeah,” he said quietly while smiling.

I handed him the bottle, and he fed her like it was a second sense. I tucked my legs up under me and watched the man I hoped was the father of my child, interact with my daughter. When she had drained the bottle, I handed Josh her burp rag, and he effortlessly placed her on his shoulder and burped her.

“I’m going to change her and put her down for the night,” I said standing up and getting handed Molly, “I’ll be right back.”

He nodded, and I disappeared into her bedroom and placed her on the changing table. I unbuttoned her onsie pajamas, and changed her diaper before redoing the buttons. I rocked her in my arms until she was almost asleep, and placed her in her crib. I turned on her ‘Twilight Turtle’, using it as a nightlight, and wound her mobile up before leaving her room.

I twisted my hair up into a messy bun, and walked back into the living where Josh no longer was. I let confusion take over my face, and scanned the apartment, noticing his bag still by the door. I heard the porch door slide open, and he walked in ruffling his hair.

“I guess we should talk about everything, shouldn’t we?” I said as he placed his cigarettes back on his bag.

“If you want,” he said nodding.

I motioned for him to follow me into my bedroom, and he obliged. I walked into the small walk in closet, and slid on a pair of baggy shorts in place of my jeans, and took my sweater off leaving me in a tank top. I sat on top of the covers on my bed, and patted the spot next to me. He took it, and we sat in silence for a few minutes, not knowing exactly what to say.

He finally asked how life had been the past year, and I opened up about everything. I told him the struggles I had faced when I first arrived, and how shut in I had become. I then explained to him about finding out I was pregnant, and how many times I had his number dialed on my phone but couldn’t press send to call.

Throughout all of my explanations, Josh listened intently, and only spoke up to calm me when I started crying. When I had finally stopped crying, I thanked him for his kindness, and asked him how he had been.

It almost hurt me to hear him talk about how torn up he was when I left. He told me about his worsened drinking habit, and his slew of one-night stands. I cringed at the thought of him with another woman, but realized that he wasn’t mine and I had no control over it. He also explained that he had written Passenger Seat about me even before I had left.

“I wrote it about 2 months before you left,” he said softly, “I wanted to tell you that I had feelings, but I couldn’t because you weren’t single, and we were just best friends.”

“It was beautiful,” I said with a reassuring smile, “And I can honestly say that I have had feelings for you for the longest time. I was just scared of Brady, honestly.”

He nodded in understanding, and another comfortable silence overtook us. Josh played with a few frayed strands from a hole in his jeans, and I could tell he was thinking about something. I tapped my fingers against my kneecaps absentmindedly.

“What color hair did Brady have?” Josh asked out of nowhere startling me.

“He had dark hair like me,” I said with a weird look, “What made you ask that.”

“Molly has blonde hair,” he said pointing out the obvious, “If you and Brady had dark hair, then she would too.”

“That doesn’t mean she’s yours though,” I said trying not to be harsh, “My hair darkened considerably as I grew older.”

“I think we should get a paternity test,” he said looking me dead in the eyes, “If that gorgeous little girl in there is mine, I have to be here for her. Hell, even she isn’t I want to be.”

“You’ll be gone by tomorrow morning, we don’t have time for a paternity test,” I said with a look.

“Tour ends in a few days, I can come back,” he said with an almost pleading look, “Please Payton, just let me do this?”

“Tell me what day tour ends and I’ll call the doctors to schedule an appointment,” I said knowing it was for the best, “We better get to sleep soon, I know you have to be up early.”

He nodded, and I slid off of the bed to go brush my teeth. He joined me, and I allowed him to change while I went and turned down the bed. He hesitantly crawled in next to me, and we laid on our sides facing each other.

“Thank you for coming tonight,” he said quietly, “I meant everything I said when I introduced that song, ya know. I know it’s been almost a year, but there’s still something about you that almost haunts me.”

“I feel the same way too,” I said connecting my eyes to his, “I haven’t even considered any of the guys that have asked me on dates, because I know they aren’t you.”

He scooted closer, and smiled as he pressed his lips to my forehead. I snuggled in closer to him, feeling the comfort in his body heat, as he draped his arm over my torso. His fingers traced up and down my back, and I could feel my eyes start to slowly droop as I watched Josh’s do the same.

“Just know I love you,” he said in his tired voice, and softly pressing his lips to mine.

I smiled, feeling like I was on cloud nine, and nuzzled my face into his neck as I fell asleep to his breathing.