The Religious Experience

When I awoke it was still dark outside. As if I had awoken before the rest of the world. I creeped out of my bed. My clock read 3:46 a.m.

Far to early to be up in my mind, but I couldn't seem to fall under the opiate of slumber. I sighed, the sound adding to the quiet natural melody of night. I got up and drew a bath for myself. Maybe that will help me sleep.

I undressed and frowned as I saw myself in the mirror. In the mirror was a lanky, mousy looking girl who was to tall for her age. I felt like it couldn't be me, but deep down I knew it was. I just didn't seem to recognize the awkward looking girl in the mirror.

How petty that sounds. Worrying about how you look. But all teenage girls go trough that, right? Even some boys do. It seems so cliche hearing it from a friend but when it happens to you it's the most awful thing in the world. It's a tad ironic if you think about it.

I stepped into the tub slowly. The warm water wrapped around me, like a liquid blanket. I had lit candles around the tub, so it smelled like rain and gardens. It smelled delicious.

I've always been fascinated by candles. I thought the flame was like a human in some ways. It has it's ups and downs, it flickers sometimes, only to go out in the end. A bit morbid, but it's true.

The flame also just strikes me as beautiful. The way it has different colors, how it makes every thing and everyone brighter. How it entrances people to touch it, but only ends up burning you. How it requires attention. I just loved it.

Flames are in every person, I think. I think it's a life force. It's your dreams and hopes. I know it seems awfully cheesy but doesn't everyone have cheesy thoughts sometimes? And besides, its my way of thinking about life. I chuckled. I finally have my deep thoughts about life in a bath tub. Eh.

I started thinking...what if I was more like a flame? I suppose I'd be stronger, yet still weak. I'd be graceful, braver. My features wouldn't have to look beautiful, I just would be. I'd stand out. Yet I'd still be loyal to God(that will never change) because I'd need to be looked after. I suppose in a way I'd be delicate. It's strange...a single blow could destroy me.

I wondered what my mother would do, if I was a flame. Would she be the one blowing me out or the one protecting me from the wind? Would she accept me? Would she still be stingy towards me?

I always do this. Imagine I'm someone else, someone more interesting, someone with more stories to tell. I guess I just find myself boring. I wonder if Derek thinks I'm boring? I wonder if I should change.

But how would I do that?

Mother says 'you are, who you are' a lot. I think shes trying to compensate for the fact that she isn't happy. Father and I know that. That she isn't happy. I don't know why. Father says it's because she doesn't have any more dreams.

I think it's because she lost her flame.